Chapter 15

Chapter

Fifteen

Quinn

Three Christmases ago…

“Just tell me to wait for you,” I whisper as I slide my nose along hers.

Emery strokes her fingers over my cheek as she hiccups a sob. Her eyes drown in tears, her lips trembling as her gaze refuses to leave mine. My heart aches when she shakes her head. “I can’t. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I would, though,” I promise. I’d do anything for this girl.

Tears slide down her cheeks, and I quickly wipe them away with my thumb. Her voice is small as she whispers, “I know, which is why I won’t ask.”

I can’t take this. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and press my nose into hers. “I love you, Emery, and I think I always will.”

I’m not sure how I keep it together.

How I don’t allow my heart to beat out of my chest.

Or go insane from the constant ringing in my ears.

Or die from the pain of my heart shattering within me.

But I do.

That is, until the door opens and my mom looks up at me sleepily, and I let the first tear fall.

“Quinn?” My mom stands in her purple Assassins PJs that have pictures of my dad all over them. On her feet are her purple slippers with the Assassins’ emblem on the toe. Even her robe is Assassins purple, and on the lapel, it reads Mrs. Adler. I bought her that robe.

She’s the Assassins’ biggest fan.

But right now, she’s my mom.

Confusion is on her face, but when she sees another tear roll down my cheek, she springs into action. She wraps her arms around me, holding me so close that I’m unable to draw a breath, and I’m grateful for that.

It hurts to breathe.

It’s hurt to fucking exist since Emery walked away from me.

I don’t even recognize my own voice as I whisper, “Mom.”

“I’m here, sweetheart,” she says, gathering my huge body against hers. “Are you hurt?”

I can’t answer her. I only clutch her as she squeezes me tightly. I’m not hurt, not in the bloody way, even though I feel as if I went to war with Emery. She hit me where I was weak, with her sweet, gorgeous body, and I almost gave in. I wanted to so damn badly. Then she attacked me with my own move, and hearing her voice as she sang that song hit me right on target. It made me want to call everything off. She made me want to believe the words she sang.

Made me wish for what I want—Her. Forever.

But then Ava’s words started playing on a loop in my head, and I could no longer hear Emery’s voice. Only Ava’s.

“If she loved you even a fraction of the amount you love her, she wouldn’t have left you.”

Ava was right when she assumed Emery would ruin things. I had to shut it down. I had to. I couldn’t let her hurt Ava’s image or let her singing to me get back to her parents. The thing is, I didn’t expect it to get that heated.

I didn’t expect to utter those words.

I don’t love you.

I choke on a sob as Mom pulls back, reaching up to wipe my face free of the tears. “Quinn baby, talk to me. Who do I need to kill?”

I know she’s trying to make me laugh, but I don’t think I’m able to make that sound anymore. I lean down, resting my chin on her head. Once more, she wraps her arms around me, rubbing my back as she lays her head on my chest. I swallow hard before sniffing back another round of tears that want to escape.

“I lied, Mom.”

I feel her tense beneath me. “That’s okay. I’m sure you can fix it.”

I shake my head before letting her go and turning my back to her. I cup the back of my head with both hands, breathing in deeply as I look up into the night sky. The sky is so dark and empty, mirroring how I feel. There are no stars, and once more, I can compare that to my own life.

Emery may be crazy, but she’s always brought so much light to my life.

I take a step down and lower myself onto the front stairs, leaning forward on my knees. It isn’t until this moment that I remember the Brookses are inside. I shouldn’t have come here. Shit, if my dad hears me, he’ll get on to me for letting Emery get under my skin again. He doesn’t like how things have played out between us, and while he still cares deeply for Emery, he doesn’t want me getting hurt by her again. Though, I’m sure he’d take her insane ass over Ava any time of the day.

My mom sits beside me and cuddles into my side, wrapping both her arms around my forearm. I close my eyes and lean my head into hers. She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t ask questions. We just sit together for a long time. Tears continue to fall, and I swear my soul hurts. I don’t know how that can be or if that’s even what I’m feeling, but I just feel so fucking empty.

I shouldn’t have said those words to Emery.

I shouldn’t have lied to her.

I clear my throat before I exhale. “I went out with Flynn and Sawyer, and Emery was there,” I start, and if my words surprise my mother, she doesn’t let on. Instead, she rubs my forearm, listening intently, but no more words come out. I can’t tell her how Emery made me feel, how I was trying so desperately to protect her, but in doing so, I’m pretty sure I hurt her. Something I don’t want to do. I’m not the vengeful type and I understand why she left, so I don’t want to hurt her.

I close my eyes, feeling like an idiot, before I mutter, “We got into a huge fight.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she whispers. “What about?”

I explain that Emery’s been living with me and that she’s hell-bent on me not marrying Ava. I don’t miss the grin my mom tries to hide as she says, “Well, that’s pretty on-brand for our dear Emery.”

“Yeah, but she’s taking it too far, and Ava is pissed.”

“About what? Ava isn’t living with you, and you two are childhood friends.”

“Yeah, but Ava knows we’re more than just childhood friends, Mom. She thinks that Emery will do something to embarrass her family. Hell, I’m sure she’s nervous I’ll call the whole thing off. She knows how I feel about Emery.”

Mom doesn’t say anything for a long while, but then she says, “You knew she was coming back anyway, right? I think Emery decided before Grandpa and Grandma passed.”

My heart clenches at the mention of my grandparents, who loved me and always encouraged something between Emery and me.

You two look good together, Grandma would say.

The greatest lover is a best friend, Grandpa would say while waggling his brushy brows at me.

I ignore that thought—hell, I’ve been ignoring a fucking lot when it comes to Emery lately. But the tears in her eyes, the sob that broke from her lips…no, I can’t ignore that.

That reaction is engrained in me.

“You two were so young?—”

“But she left,” I say in a low voice. “I know why. I get it. But Mom, I would have loved her. Not stifled her or held her back.”

“You’re right, and I trust and believe that. But I understand her truth too. She was scared.”

A tear rolls down my face as I think back to the moment out at the chalet for Christmas. How the snow fell around us and she choked back her sobs. She was young. We both were, and honestly, we still are. I can’t kick the knowledge that she ran. She cut off communication. She didn’t want to stay even the most casual of friends. She wanted an acquaintance she could wish happy holidays to. “I don’t believe she wants me. It’s more that she’s a toddler and someone has stolen the toy she wanted.”

My mom tsks as she shifts back to look at me. I meet her pleading emerald eyes, and they cut just as deep as my lie to Emery did. “Emery is a lot of things, but you know as well as I do, when she wants something, it’s because she truly wants it.” I let myself digest what she just said, but the insecurities stay at the forefront of my mind. My mom’s voice is small and hesitant as she says, “Quinny, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why you’re so determined to marry that girl. I know Emery has a lot of faults, and I understand why you feel the way you do. But have you asked what she is thinking? Have you two talked it out? You have a lot unsaid between the two of you. It seems you two jumped right into how it was before, and honey, everything has changed.”

“You’re right. We did,” I say, shaking my head. “But really, it doesn’t matter.”

She wipes my cheek, catching a tear I hadn’t realized had fallen. Her eyes are wise and so full of love. “I think it does.”

“It can’t,” I whisper. “Emery will ruin everything.”

Air rushes out of my mom as she wraps her arms around me like she wants to put me back together. For the first time in my life, I know she can’t. The only glue that could is Emery.

Shit, I can’t think like that.

Mom kisses my cheek, and against it, she offers, “Or she’ll make everything the way you’ve always wanted it to be.”

A lump forms in my throat as I close my eyes and lean my head to hers. My whole body is racked by my sobs, and I wish I could take back what I said. I wish I hadn’t gotten into that argument with her. One, she was drunk. And two, emotions are always high when it comes to her and me. I don’t want to lose her again, but I don’t know how to keep her at arm’s length. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to her. I asked her once if she wanted me to wait for her, and she said she couldn’t do that to me.

I can’t do it to her.

“What did you lie to her about?”

By the grace of God, my phone rings, keeping me from answering that question. I dig it out since it’s well past one in the morning and no one would be calling to tell me my auto warranty is expired. I see that it’s Flynn, and my stomach drops.

Shit. Is Em okay?

“Hey.”

I hear yelling and god-awful singing as Flynn’s voice comes over the line. “Bro, I don’t know where you went off to, but Emery is fucking shit-faced and got into an altercation with some girl who told her she was simping over you. No clue who the girl was, but she heard y’all, I guess. But anyway, the cops came, and now Emery won’t stop singing ‘Dial Drunk’ by Noah Kahan to them and is crying for you.” I hear a crash that I assume is him dropping his phone, and then he curses.

But I can still hear Emery singing the song. But with my name instead of “you.” “I’d die for him, I’d dieeeeeeeeeeee for Quinn Phillips Adler!”

Jesus Christ.

“Still at Whiskey Row?”

“Yup, in the parking lot.”

“Okay. Try to keep her from getting arrested. I’m on my way.”

My mom stands with me as Flynn adds, “That’s not the problem. The problem is keeping the cops from egging her on. They all know her and think it’s funny she’s being a love-sick fool. So, come get your woman and save us all the damn hassle.”

The line goes dead, and I can’t help but laugh. One second, she has me crying, and the next, she has me cracking up.

My Emery is fucking unpredictable.

But that’s how it’s always been.

Just as she has always been mine.

“Emery?” Mom asks, searching my face, and I nod.

“Yeah. Gotta go save Flynn from her.”

Mom pats my face. “You know I’d help you with whatever you needed.”

Her eyes search mine, and I nod. “I’m fine.”

She blows out a breath, shaking her head. “You know, when Shelli was younger, I knew she had gotten into drugs, even when she told me she hadn’t. When Posey was sleeping with Boon, I knew, but still, she said it wasn’t happening. When the twins?—”

“Mom, I get it. But I’m not lying.”

“But you are. You’ve been lying since you brought Ava home,” she says, her tone sharp and to the point. “And I don’t care. I don’t, Quinn. I just want for you to be happy, and if that means getting you out of something, I’d do it, baby. In a heartbeat. And I wouldn’t say a word.”

Tears burn my eyes, and once more, I’m unable to speak. I lean down, kissing the top of her head. She leans into my kiss and squeezes my biceps in her palms. With so much emotion in my voice, I say, “I love you, Mom.”

I move away as she tells me the same, but all I can think is that the lie I just told my mom is nothing compared to the lie I told Emery.

And honestly, I don’t know how to come back from either.