26. Lazaro

26

LAZARO

I can't shake the thoughts of Diana. Her absence haunts me, a constant ache in my chest that refuses to subside. Days blur together as I throw myself into work, desperate for any distraction.

And when that doesn’t work, I’m in the garage. But even the familiar rhythm of tinkering with engines fails to calm my racing mind. My hands move mechanically, but my thoughts always circle back to her. The memory of her smile, her laugh, the way she'd hum softly while cooking—it's all etched into my brain, tormenting me with what I've lost.

I try to focus on the task at hand, but frustration builds as I fumble with a simple repair. The wrench slips, scraping my knuckles. I barely feel the pain, too consumed by the storm raging inside me. I throw the tool across the shop and give up, heading back into the house.

I shower and consider getting drunk. Matteo finds me pouring the first of what will be many drinks.

“We got an assignment. Let’s go.”

I down the drink. “You don’t need me.”

“Get your head out of your ass, Lazaro. Let’s go.”

I nearly throw the glass. Instead, I give my cousin the finger as I follow him to the car. He prattles on about our mission, but I’m not paying attention. I know my role. Look scary. Maybe growl. Use intimidation to get our way.

“It won’t be a big deal. This guy talks a big game, but he’ll shit his pants if you look at him cross-eyed,” Matteo says as we enter the back room of a laundromat.

“He just needs a reminder of who's in charge and to pay his dues.”

We sit at a table, Matteo explaining the situation as the other man, Carl or something, watches with a smugness that grates on my nerves.

"Heard you've gone soft, Lazaro," Carl sneers, leaning back in his chair. "Lost your edge along with your memory, huh?"

Something snaps inside me. I shoot up, reach across the table, and grab Carl by the throat. Then the red mist takes over. I don't register Matteo's shouts as I pummel the man. All my pent-up anger and hurt pour out in a violent torrent.

“What the fuck, Lazaro!” Matteo grabs me and pushes me against the wall. I nearly take a swing at him, but the feel of the warm stickiness of blood on my knuckles brings me back into my body. Horror washes over me as I stare at my hands, then at Carl’s battered face.

"Jesus Christ," Matteo hisses, dragging me out of the room. "What the fuck was that?"

I can't answer him. My mind is reeling, trying to process the violence I just unleashed. This isn't me. Or is it? Perhaps the old me is returning.

Matteo pulls out his phone, keeping one eye on me. He calls one of Elio’s men to come and deal with Carl.

“You’re not going to kill him, are you?” I croak out.

Matteo purses his lips at me. “Why, you want to finish the job?”

I shake my head. “I didn’t mean… I don’t know what happened.”

“I do. You lost it. Fucking hell, Lazaro. Ever since Diana left, you’re like a ticking time bomb.”

He’s not wrong. Without Diana's calming presence, I'm losing control.

Diana. Her name echoes in my head, bringing a fresh wave of pain. God, I miss her. And clearly, I need her. Diana wasn't just some girl I was sleeping with. She was my anchor, keeping the darkness at bay. Without her, I'm adrift, at the mercy of my worst impulses.

Why had she left? Was it my fault? Was she ready for her next adventure? If I’d told her how I felt, would she have stayed?

Matteo brings me home, and I immediately quarantine myself in my room. My mind is racing with thoughts. Maybe I should leave. I could return to Indiana and go back to being Danny Paine. Like Lana would allow that.

But I can’t live like this anymore. I’ll go mad. I’ll become a liability to the family. I’ll terrify Ava. How do I find balance? Is finding a new balance even possible? Is Diana the only one who could bring that to me?

My fists clench as I think about Diana. Where is she now? Why did she leave without a word? The anger threatens to consume me again. I want to blame her for abandoning me.

I stand and pace the room like a caged animal. Diana left, moved on. It’s her talent. Going forward. Forging a new future. That’s what I need to do. I need to shake off the past—my life in Indiana, the loss of my memory, Diana. I need to let it all go and focus wholeheartedly on my future with my family, in the family business, married to Ava.

This is what's best for everyone, isn't it? Marrying Ava will secure the alliance with the Rinellas, keeping my family safe and our business thriving. It's what the old Lazaro would have done without hesitation, right?

But fuck! I’m not that man anymore. The man I am now craves something different, something real. I crave Diana. She brought light into my world when everything else was darkness. She saw me for who I am, not who I used to be or who everyone wants me to be. She wasn’t afraid of me even as I was afraid of myself.

I rub my chest as if that will get rid of the ache. I've lost my memories, my sense of self, and now I've lost the one person who made me feel whole again.

“Fuck!”

Unable to stay cooped up in my room, I head out, finding myself behind the wheel of my car, aimlessly cruising through Chicago's late-night streets. I tell myself I’m just driving, but every place I pass, I’m looking for Diana. She’s out here somewhere, just beyond my reach.

As I turn down yet another street, I catch a glimpse of a woman with red hair. My heart leaps, but it's not her. It won’t ever be her. She’s probably out of Chicago. Hell, she’s probably out of Illinois.

I brake suddenly as a figure darts across the street. For a split second, I swear it's Diana, her curves silhouetted in the glow of a streetlight. But she vanishes into the shadows, leaving me to wonder if she was ever there at all.

I drive on, chasing ghosts and memories. No, I have to look forward. To do my duty. To fully immerse myself in my family and the family business. To marry Ava. All this spins through my head over and over until I arrive at a place called Northerly Island. I don’t remember it, and yet I feel drawn here.

I pull into a parking lot and see the view of the city. As I drive further, I see a familiar car parked facing the city, a familiar silhouette sitting on the hood taking in the view. I pull up to it and park. As I cut the engine, an inexplicable sense of nostalgia washes over me. It's like a half-remembered dream.

Stepping out of the car, I walk over to where Lana is sitting alone on the hood of the car she told me I’d rebuilt for her.

Lana turns, her eyes meeting mine. For a moment, I see a flash of the sister I've been told about. The one who never gave up looking for me. But it's quickly replaced by the guarded expression I've grown accustomed to.

"Did Elio tell you to drag me home?"

“No.” I shake my head, not sure how I got here. “I’ve been driving. I felt a pull here, I guess.” I lean against her car next to her.

Her eyebrows raise slightly. "We used to come here a lot, before…" She trails off, leaving the words unsaid.

I stare out over the water toward the city. I feel a familiarity, but no memories come.

“The first time we came, we were fourteen. You stole Dad’s car, and we came here.”

I guess I was incorrigible even as a kid. I can almost see it. A younger version of myself, reckless and carefree, dragging my sister along on an adventure.

Lana's expression darkens as she continues. "Some assholes showed up, started harassing me. I froze, but you…" She pauses, looking at me with a mix of admiration and sadness. "You didn't hesitate. You put yourself between me and them, even though there were more of them."

My fists clench involuntarily, a surge of protectiveness washing over me. Even without the memory, I know I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

“You beat them all to a pulp, and I know you don’t like hearing that about yourself, Lazaro, but you protected me. I never wanted to come back here, but you said I couldn’t let those fuckers make me afraid to go anywhere. So you brought me here again and again until I wasn't afraid anymore."

I swallow hard, moved by the depth of our bond, feeling guilty that I haven't fully appreciated how difficult my disappearance and memory loss have been for her.

“It's more than just a spot by the lake. It represents everything you've always been to me. My other half. My protector. No matter what, you've never failed to keep me safe, even when it meant putting yourself in harm's way. And when you disappeared, it became the place I could feel close to you.”

“I’m glad I was here. I’m sorry that I’m not?—”

“Stop.” She holds her hand up. “I’m not telling you all this to make you feel bad or try to make you remember and be the old Lazaro.”

“Then why are you telling me this?”

Lana turns to face me fully. "Because you’re not different. You’re still my brother that I spent nine months in the womb with. Whether you ever get your memories back or not, you're still you at your core."

I furrow my brow, not quite understanding. "What do you mean?"

"You're doing it again, Lazaro. Protecting me—protecting our family—by considering marrying Ava. Even though I can see it's eating you up inside."

I shrug. “I’ll deal?—”

“Matteo said you nearly beat someone to death.”

My jaw tightens. “Maybe I’ve been a little tense lately. I’ll deal with it.”

Lana squeezes my arm gently. "You don't have to pretend with me. I know this isn't what you want. But you're willing to do it to keep us safe, to secure our family's future. Just like you've always done." She makes a distasteful face. “It was more than Elio was willing to do.”

“He loves Piper. You can’t blame him for that.”

She studies me. “You called him out on that. Called me out on being with Henry.”

I look back over the city. “I was mad.”

“But you’re not wrong. Why can Elio and I have love, but not you?”

I roll my shoulders to try to rid them of the tension growing in them.

"I'm so sorry, Lazaro. I didn't see it before. I thought I was protecting you, but I was just pushing away the one person who truly helps you." She looks down. “Or maybe I was jealous of her.”

I look at her, not sure what she’s telling me.

“You’ve always been the one to keep me even keeled. I wanted to be that for you. I wanted to save you like you saved me. But Diana is the one who did that for you.”

I shrug, wanting to act like it’s no big deal. “She left.”

“I didn’t tell her to go this time, but before… I confronted her, accused her of taking advantage of you. I was wrong, and I see that now. She brings out the best in you. You need her."

I shake my head, frustration bubbling up inside me. “Well, too bad for me then because she’s gone. Might as well marry Ava and help the family, right? I mean, it’s not that big of a hardship. She’s pretty. She’s sweet. She’s terrified of me, but I think she might be more scared of her father.”

“Rinella is a fuckhead, but that’s not the point. The point is you and Diana?—”

“There is no me and Diana. She's gone, and I have to learn to live without her, don't I?" The words taste bitter on my tongue, but I force myself to face the truth. Diana chose to leave.

“Why? Find her. Tell her how you feel. I’m certain she feels the same.”

It’s odd to hear Lana speak so forcefully about the power of love. “You don’t know shit.” I wince at the terseness of my voice. “She left. She doesn’t want me.”

“Or she left because you were being pressured to marry Ava. She either didn’t want to see you with another woman or maybe she left for the family, knowing this marriage was important.”

I stare at Lana, trying to keep the hope that she's right out of my heart. Maybe Diana didn’t leave because she didn’t want me. Maybe she left because I fucked up in not telling Elio and Lana no about the marriage from the start.

In the end, it doesn’t matter, though. “I have to marry Ava. Rinella will?—”

“Let me handle Rinella. There are other ways to appease him. He found another mate for her, so clearly, he’s letting go of the idea of Ava marrying a D’Amato.”

“I feel bad for Ava." That protective part of me wishes I could help her. "She doesn’t want to go to New York. Why can’t she marry Matteo? He's family and he said he’d do it.”

She laughs. “Matteo is a man whore…” She trails off. “Although he does act weird about her.” She shakes his head. “The point is, I'll make Rinella see reason."

"How? He's not exactly known for being reasonable."

"I have my ways," Lana says with a smirk. "Don't worry about that part. Your job is to make things right with Diana."

I run a hand through my hair. "She’s gone. She’s probably a million miles away… physically and emotionally by now.”

“Since when does something like that stop a D’Amato?”

"What if I do find her but it's too late? What if she doesn't want me anymore?" I don't know if I could handle her rejection.

Lana reaches out and squeezes my arm. "Then at least you'll know you tried. But I saw the way she looked at you. I don't think it's too late."

I sigh. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s better off without me?—”

“Don’t you ever say that, Lazaro D’Amato.” Lana’s voice is sharp. “You’re a good man. You’re better off with her, and she’s better off with you.”

“I don’t know where to look. She gave up her apartment.”

“Lucky for you, my man is a private eye. I’ve already asked Henry to help locate her."

I stare at my sister, stunned by her thoughtfulness. "You did that? For me?"

Lana nods, her eyes shining with affection. "Of course I did. You're my brother. I want you to be happy. I know it sometimes doesn't feel like it. I can be a bitch, but when all is said and done, I want you to be as happy as I am. I believe Diana is the one who can do that for you."

Overwhelmed by her love and support, I pull Lana into a tight hug. She wraps her arms around me, and for a moment, we're just kids again, facing the world together.

As we pull apart, I feel a renewed sense of purpose coursing through me. I hop up from the car, energy thrumming through my veins. "I'm going to find her. I don't care how long it takes or what I have to do."

Lana grins at me. "That's the Lazaro I know.” She presses her hands to my cheeks. “You’re afraid of your anger, the violence, but that’s not what you are. Passion is what fuels you, Lazaro. Yes, sometimes it’s an angry passion, but even that comes from love. Love for your family. Love for Diana.”

I close my eyes, letting her words seep into my soul. It’s odd how much I needed to hear those words. How they resonate. Passion and intensity don’t have to be negative. I can steer them into something positive. Into a life with Diana. If she’ll have me.