18. Lazaro

18

LAZARO

I ’m starving. Starving for food, but also for Diana, for the way she makes me feel, physically and emotionally. It’s unsettling how much I need her. It’s like I can’t breathe when she’s not around.

But right now, I need to feed us and then I’m going to make good on my threat and fuck her until she’s too tired to try and leave.

I walk toward the kitchen, rounding the corner, and I nearly collide with Piper. Time freezes as I take in her startled expression, the way she jumps away from me. The memory of my earlier outburst floods back, and I'm hit with a wave of shame. Piper's eyes are wide with fear, and it kills me to know I'm the cause.

"Piper, I'm so sorry," I blurt out, taking a step back to give her space. "I never meant to scare you earlier. Are you okay?”

Piper's eyes meet mine, and I can see a mix of emotions there. Fear, yes, but also a glimmer of understanding. She takes a deep breath before speaking. "Thank you for apologizing. I know you're going through a lot right now. Just… Please try to remember that your actions affect others too."

I nod, feeling both relieved and ashamed. "I'll do better, I promise." But even as I say it, I’m not sure I can do it. It’s not like I intended to break the vase or beat Elio’s foreman to a pulp. Something came over me.

“Are you okay?” she asks, surprising me. Why would she worry about me after what I did?

“Yeah, sure.”

“It’s just that I've never seen you lose your temper like that with Lana before. At least, not that I can remember."

That's right, Piper knew me before when she was Elio's high school sweetheart. The realization sends my mind reeling, trying desperately to grasp at memories that aren't there.

"I'm sorry, I… I don't remember much from before.” I run a hand through my hair in frustration. "I think I’m worse, though."

Piper's expression softens, a mix of sympathy and something else I can't quite place. "You were always intense. But the last time I saw you, we were just sixteen or so. What I remember was how you always had Lana's back. You two were inseparable."

Her words paint a picture of a past I can't recall, and it makes my chest ache. I try to imagine myself as the protective brother she describes, but it feels like grasping at smoke.

"I wish I could remember," I mutter, more to myself than to Piper.

She reaches out, patting my arm gently. "It'll come back in time. Just… try not to be so hard on yourself. Or Lana."

I nod, feeling a fresh wave of guilt. Not just for scaring Piper earlier, but for all the ways I've failed to be the brother Lana remembers and needs.

"I hate this. I hate letting everyone down. It's like I'm just a ghost of the brother I'm supposed to be." I’m surprised by my confession.

Piper's eyes fill with sympathy, but it only makes me feel worse. I don't want pity. I want to be the man they all remember. Or maybe I don’t. That’s the problem. Deep down, I think I’m fighting against remembering.

“Everyone understands,” she says.

"It's not just the memory loss. It's like… everything feels wrong. My instincts, my reactions. Who I was doesn’t seem to match up with who I am now."

The words pour out of me now, a dam finally breaking. "I feel like an impostor in my own life. Everyone's waiting for the old Lazaro to come back, but what if he never does? What if this is just who I am now?"

I meet Piper's gaze, seeing the concern there. "You're not disappointing anyone. We're just so grateful to have you back."

I scoff, unable to hide my disbelief. "How can you say that? I'm not the man you all remember. I can't be who Lana needs me to be."

Piper shakes her head, her grip on my arm tightening slightly. "That's not true. You're here. You're trying. That's what matters."

"But—”

"No buts. You have no idea how much it means to everyone that you're home. Lana never gave up hope. Even when others said you were gone for good, she kept searching."

I don’t know how she thinks that will relieve my guilt because it doesn’t. She never gave up on me, while I don’t remember her and find myself annoyed by her most of the time.

"We don't expect you to be exactly the same person you were before," Piper continues. "How could you be, after everything you've been through? But you're still Lazaro. You're still family."

A lump forms in my throat. I can see why Elio loves her and married her. She’s smart, calm, loving. Sort of like Diana. "I just can’t figure out how to be part of this family again."

"You don't have to figure it all out at once. Just be here. That's enough for now." She arches a brow. “But you might want to work on controlling that temper of yours. Elio's not as forgiving as I am. Next time you have a tantrum in front of me or Elysse?—”

I wave a hand. “He’ll put me back in the hospital. I get it. I’ll deserve it too.”

“Well, maybe not that extreme, but perhaps you can find other ways to let out the anger. Hit the gym, maybe see a counselor, I don’t know, but something more constructive.”

I nod, not having much confidence in counselors but knowing I need to find a way to control my anger. "I'll do my best. Thanks, Piper."

"That's what family's for, right? Just remember, we're all on your side. Even when it doesn't feel like it."

I watch her retreat up the hall feeling pretty good. I’ve gotten Diana back into my bed and made amends with Piper. I still need to put things right with Elio and Lana. Elysse too, although I don’t know how to do that. She’s just a kid and likely wants to give me a wide berth.

I step into the kitchen, stopping short when I find Lana and Henry lounging comfortably at the counter holding glasses of wine. They're laughing about something, heads bent close together, and for a moment I feel like I'm intruding on a private moment. Maybe I should come back later.

As soon as Lana spots me, though, the atmosphere shifts. Her laughter dies abruptly, and her posture stiffens. The easy smile on her face vanishes, replaced by a guarded expression that makes me feel like shit. It's like watching a wall slam down between us.

Henry picks up on the change immediately. He straightens up, wrapping his arm around Lana as if to protect her.

“I just came to get some dinner for me and Diana,” I say awkwardly.

Lana’s eyes narrow and I know it’s about Diana. What is her problem?

“I should probably get going.” He gives her a kiss. “Behave.”

She purses her lips at him, and he kisses her again. It’s interesting to watch the way he deals with her. It’s like he knows how prickly she is and isn’t afraid to meet it head on. But she doesn’t seem to get pissed about it. I suppose that’s love.

As he moves to leave, Henry pauses beside me. He gives my shoulder a light pat, the gesture conveying a silent understanding of the complicated situation. "Take it easy, Lazaro.”

I nod, grateful for the small show of support. As Henry exits, the kitchen falls into an uncomfortable silence. Lana takes her wine and sits at the table, pointedly avoiding my gaze.

I could get the food and leave without saying a word. After all, Diana is upstairs waiting for me. But after the heart-to-heart with Piper, I know I need to make an effort with Lana.

I take a deep breath and sit down across from her, noting how she tenses at my proximity. I don’t think she’s afraid of me. I think she’s gearing up for the conversation that will most likely end with an argument.

"I'm sorry. For losing my temper earlier. For scaring Piper and Elysse. For… everything, really."

Lana's eyes flick up to meet mine, surprise evident in her expression. She clearly wasn't expecting an apology.

"I know I've been difficult since I came back. To be honest, I’ve only thought about how hard it’s been for me. I haven’t considered how hard this has been for you. To have me here, but not really, not the way you remember me."

Lana's guard begins to drop, her shoulders sagging slightly. The ice in her eyes melts, replaced by vulnerability.

"I'm trying, Lana. I swear I am. But it's not easy. Nothing feels right. I don't feel like the brother you knew, and I don't know how to be him again."

Lana's breath catches and her eyes glisten with tears. It shows me just how much pain she's been carrying.

"I never meant to hurt you. I know I've been pushing you away, and that's not fair. You've done nothing but try to help me, and I've been too caught up in my own head to see it,” I finish.

Lana reaches out hesitantly, her hand hovering over mine for a moment before she gently grasps it. The gesture is small, yet meaningful. "I'm sorry too. I've been pushing too hard, expecting too much. I guess I want everything to be how it was before. It’s no secret that I’m not very patient.”

I give her a wan smile. “I wish I could give you what you want. I hate disappointing you. I know I'm not the brother you lost, and every time I fail to live up to your memory, it feels like I'm letting you down."

Lana's eyes widen in shock and pain. “Oh, Lazaro. I had no idea. I… I feel like I'm the one failing you. I should have been there for you, should have seen how much you were struggling. Instead, I've been so focused on getting my old brother back that I couldn't see the pain you're in now."

She sniffs, trying to hold her tears back. The sight of her pain, mirroring my own, is too much to bear.

Without thinking, I pull her into a tight hug. "You're not failing me, Lana. You found me. You fought for me when everyone else gave up. I just hope you can accept who I am now. Even if I'm not the brother you remember."

Lana pulls back from our embrace, her eyes still glistening with tears. She cups my face in her hands, her gaze intense and full of emotion.

"Lazaro, listen to me.” Her stern, bossy tone makes me laugh. “I love you. Unconditionally. No matter what. You're my brother, my twin, my other half. That connection we have? It's still there. It always will be."

I nod. “I do feel the connection to you. When you entered the garage, I had no clue who you were, but deep inside me, I knew you.” I shake my head because that sounds crazy. “If that makes any sense.”

“It does. You and I are a part of each other. I know things are different now, but that doesn't change how much you mean to me. We'll figure this out together, okay? Whatever you need, I'm here."

Taking a deep breath, I know I need to address one more thing. "One more thing. Diana is here, and she has her job back. I want her with me. I need her support right now."

I watch as Lana's expression shifts, a flicker of irritation crossing her face. She sucks in a breath and nods. "Okay," she says softly. "If it’s important to you.”

“It is.”

I’m not convinced that Lana won’t cause trouble for Diana. But I don’t want to ruin this moment by driving home how important this is to me. I just hope she does behave because I don’t want to have to choose between Diana and my sister.