Chapter 23

“I’ve told you it’s okay, babe. The early mornings are a killer for you, so if you have to stay, then do it. I’m busy here too.” Boxes containing tiles for the kitchen walls and floor line the walls. Next to them is a separate pile for the two bathrooms and cloakroom. Ivan has been away for four weeks now and, up until this last week, has managed to come home most nights.

Unfortunately, we’ve both been so knackered we’ve fallen into bed with barely a word spoken between us. I miss him. I miss bouncing ideas about the house with him. I want him to be here with me, which means he gets a say in how it looks.

“There’s only another week or so to go, and honestly, Brode, I’ve had enough. I’m ready for the summer to start. I’ll try to make it back tomorrow.”

“Do what you can, okay? We can talk tonight when you’re done.”

“Okay, love you.”

“I love you too.”

I shove my phone back into my pocket and return to the house. Drew gives me a questioning look when I walk into the kitchen, which is almost finished. It’s not quite the bespoke one Merrick has but still pretty damned good. More rustic, keeping in tone with the farmhouse style, but behind the cupboard doors lie every mod con needed.

“Everything okay, mate?” Drew asks. “You’re scowling.”

“What? Yeah, sorry. Everything’s fine. Ivan can’t make it home tonight. They’re too far north to make it worthwhile. He’s knackered when he gets back.” Can I talk to Drew about him, about the worries I have for the summer?

“He’s changed, you know? Since he met you.” It seems I don’t have to ask. Drew beat me to it. “Settled, comfortable. He’s happy, and I haven’t seen him like that for a while now. He was very close to his dad, and his death hit him hard. He started chasing life in any way he could, and that led him to do some crazy shit. He’d go out on any wave, often by himself. He pushed his limits, but it was never enough. That’s when he turned to having hook-ups and messing around with anyone who caught his fancy. We were all worried about him.”

“How long ago was this?” He’s never mentioned his father to me, only that he died suddenly and that his mum moved out and gave him the house.

“About five or six years now. He had a heart attack on the golf course. Ivan was with him, and it wasn’t good.”

“Oh god! How dreadful. Poor man. I can understand why he went a little wild. Is that what it was like with him and Kate?”

“Has he told you about her?”

“Yeah, it was a while ago. Ivan didn’t want any secrets between us. He hasn’t heard anything from her, so we assume the baby is nothing to do with him.”

“I can’t believe he told you. You’d only just met each other. You’re the first serious relationship he’s had, and Ivan’s all about being open. He’s never given anyone, including Kate, the illusion of wanting anything more than some fun.”

Here’s the moment I’ve never had, and okay, it’s not Merrick, but I know Drew well enough to share this with him.

“There’s a lot more between Ivan and me than you or Merrick know about.” I keep it cryptic. I don’t want to tell him without Ivan being here with me. He doesn’t care who knows about us. He’s more than happy with being my boyfriend and is openly demonstrative and affectionate with me around our friends.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Drew’s question doesn’t sound accusatory, merely curious. Okay, I’m going to have to spill it.

“The night we had lasagne at your place. That wasn’t the first time we’d met.” I don’t offer anything else. Has Merrick shared my secret with Drew? But his face remains blank, then turns confused.

“How? How can that have happened? Did you bump into him here before that night? He’d been home a couple of days before I went round to see him.”

“No, it was last September. I met him in a club in London.” The heat of embarrassment creeps up my cheeks, and I look away. “We hooked up. It was my first time.”

Drew scrubs his hand over his forehead. “I don’t understand, first time what? Does Merrick know?”

“He knows I met a man, that it changed my life, and that’s why I came here. I haven’t told him it was Ivan, though. I didn’t think I’d see the stranger from that night again. It was one hell of a shock to both of us. I don’t expect you to understand. I didn’t. I had no clue what had come over me.” I smirk at my choice of words. Ivan came over me plenty of times that night. “But I found a new part of myself that night, one that wanted more. To be doing something else with my life.”

So far, I haven’t done much to achieve that new me apart from falling in love with a man and running a few classes at the school. My dream of opening my gym hasn’t come to anything yet. There’s a lack of suitable or even available land around here. Everywhere is either owned or has a caveat on it stating what it can or mainly can’t be used for. So I’ve had to put the idea on hold for now. I look out the window and the barns beyond the broken wooden fencing.

Why haven’t I thought of that? The barns would make an excellent gym. The oak frames are solid. The roofs will probably need attention, and the interiors need to be fully restored and remodelled, but it could work. If I can get planning permission. Luckily, I know a man who knows how this all works.

“Drew, can you come and look at something with me?” I stalk out of the kitchen and over to the barns. I drag open the enormous door and enter the empty cavernous space. It’s huge, big enough to have two floors, with multiple rooms.

“What’s up?”

“Do you think I’d get planning permission to turn this into a gym? You know what the council is like. What would they think?”

He stares up at the exposed roof. The sun shines through the gaps where tiles are missing.

“The planning office would prefer a barn conversion over a new build. They like to keep the aesthetics of the area, so having the barns looking still like barns will go a long way.”

He sounds positive, which makes me feel like it’s worth investigating further. I should talk to Munro. He’ll be happy to help me. Maybe he can come down and help with the design. I’ll need plans to submit for planning permission.

“I’ll help you where I can, but one suggestion I have is to get your house finished first. You’ll need somewhere relaxing when you start another project.”

“You’re right. Come on, then, Mr Taskmaster, put me back to work.” I clap him on the shoulder and walk back to the farmhouse.

For the rest of the afternoon, we work on the tiles and then happily accept Merrick’s offer of dinner at his house. Cooking for myself isn’t any fun, and after a couple of beers, I’m tired enough to fall straight into bed. When I get back to Ivan’s house, it’s dark, and with no lights to welcome me home, I feel lonely. If only Ivan were coming home tonight.

I open the door, which scrapes over the mail that had come in the last couple of days when I stayed at the farmhouse. I collect it all and set the envelopes on the table in the corner of the hall.

A weight settles on the bed, and I shoot up, my heart hammering in my throat. “What the hell?”

Ivan chuckles and clambers in next to me, pulling me down with him. “I missed you too much,” he murmurs and kisses my shoulder. I’m asleep again in seconds, and when I wake up again, I’m alone. Did I dream him coming home?

The toilet flushes in the bathroom, and a smile spreads over my face. Not a dream. Ivan’s home.