Chapter 20

Ivan stares at me, the colour draining from his face. I’m obviously right.

“I don’t know anything about Kate. Drew mentioned her name, but he didn’t say anything more.” I let go of the steering wheel and touch his thigh. He blinks and looks down at my hand as if he’s not sure why it’s there.

“You didn’t say anything to me.” Ivan sounds confused. “Why not?”

Good question. Why didn’t I? Fear of what she means to him or why she left. Jealousy at the thought of her being important enough for Drew to be shocked I’d heard of her. “I didn’t think it was necessary. We both have pasts, Ivan. I guess she’s a bit more than just an ex, and I’m probably not going to like what you’re going to tell me.”

“Can we go inside?” He peers over my shoulder. Is he unable to look at me? Christ, how bad is this news?

I unclick my seat belt and open the door. When I get out, I lean against the car, waiting for Ivan to come around. Instead of moving to the path that leads to his door, he stands in front of me, his arms boxing me in. “Stop thinking the worst, baby. There’s nothing going on.”

He brushes my mouth in a brief feather-light kiss and rests his forehead against mine. “You’re the most important person in my life.”

“Okay,” I whisper.

Ivan takes my hand, and we walk into the house, where he leads me straight upstairs to his room. But when he tugs me to the bathroom, I drop his hand.

“Talk to me, Ivan. I’m not getting in the shower with you, not with this hanging over our heads. Start talking.” I sit on the edge of the bed.

When he sits next to me, I lay my hand on his thigh. His lips tilt up in a small smile. “I’ve never been one for relationships. I’ve always thought they’d be too much work to maintain, that I’d have to give up who I am for the other person. That being with one person would be boring, so I just played the field with Grindr hook-ups and holidaymakers.”

He takes a breath. “Kate’s family own one of the big white houses on the hill. They use it as a holiday home. She’s been coming down here for the summer for years. As she got older, she would come alone. Her family have money and spend their lives chasing the sun. We’d hook up every now and then, but it was never anything more than fun sex for both of us.”

He runs his hand through his hair. I can see how much he hates to tell me about her. “It’s okay, baby. I know it’s hard for you.”

“It had been a while since I’d seen her. She’s one of these free spirits, always trying out new things. Reiki one month, pottery the next, that sort of thing. And she liked to travel, to go off the beaten track. Early this summer, she came back, and we hung out a few times. Then without saying goodbye, she left again. She was back here in the autumn, Drew saw her.”

My stomach clenches as the blood in my veins turns to ice. I know what he’s going to say. “She’s pregnant.”

“Yeah, I think so. Drew sent me a photo of her sporting a baby bump back last year when I was away. It didn’t mean anything to me because we always used protection, and she was on the pill too, so I brushed the pic off. She was probably seeing other men. We didn’t ever have a relationship.”

“Have you heard from her?” Panic rolls through me. Inside, I’m screaming. I’m going to lose him before we’ve even started.

“No nothing. We were never exclusive. I can’t imagine why she would want a baby. She was always dead against it. It would mess up her plans. With a baby, it would be impossible to do all the things she wanted. But I keep going back through the months, and it’s possible that the baby is mine.”

“I don’t understand why it would be something she would keep from you. You must have liked each other, spent time talking. You know her lifestyle well enough. It doesn’t make sense.” Jesus! She could turn up here with a baby and want Ivan to be all happy families. “She can’t have you.”

Ivan widens his eyes in surprise at my outburst. “No, she can’t. But I don’t know if it’s anything to do with me. I needed you to know because I don’t want any secrets between us. Again, I could be wrong and worrying about nothing.”

“Have you tried to contact her? Ask her what’s going on? What the hell? Is she going to show up here in however many months’ time with a child for you to look after?”

“No, I don’t believe that will happen for a second. I don’t believe that it’s mine. I only know I had sex with her early last summer, which was also the last time I saw her. If she wanted me to know, she would’ve told me. She’s not the sort of person to hold back.”

My head is reeling. Do I want to have a boyfriend who also has a child? What does it mean for us? Does he expect me to be part of it too? Do I want to share him? He’ll want to be a part of the baby’s life, have weekends and holidays with it. Christ, this is a shitshow.

I walk over to the window. The bright, sunny day seems to have picked up on my mood, as it’s turned grey and wet. I’m not even looking at anything. My head is too messed up, full of Ivan having a child.

“Brodie,” Ivan says quietly. “Can you talk to me?”

I shake my head, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t have any thoughts that make any sense. There’s no way I can put a coherent sentence together. My eyes burn at the thought of not being with him, of walking away, but this is huge, and I don’t know what to think.

When his hands touch my biceps, I flinch. He immediately releases me. I hadn’t even heard him approach. I stay staring out the window.

“This could all be pointless. She may be happily living with the baby daddy and hasn’t even given me a thought. I don’t have any answers, Brodie. The only thing I know is you’re the most important person in my life. I don’t want you to walk away from a situation that hasn’t even happened and probably won’t.”

“Then why are you telling me? What did you want to achieve talking about her?” I turn around to face him. He looks crushed.

“Because you’re my boyfriend, and I didn’t want any secrets between us, not on my part. It’s what people do, or so I’m told. They share. This is a small town with a higher-than-average older population. There aren’t many people our age. The ones who are will know who Kate is and that we hooked up. I thought it important to tell you before someone else does.” He holds out his hand.

I’m not going to be churlish, so I take it. He’s right. This is a subject I should only hear from him. If only I didn’t have to. “I know, and you’re right. But what if…” I shake my head. We don’t have any answers. Maybe she’ll never come back. The house here is only a holiday home after all.

“Then I can deal with it. I’m not ready to be a parent, baby. I can help support one, but it’s not something I plan to have any time soon.”

I let go of his hand and wrap my arms around his waist. “Then let’s hope we never have to.”

Ivan nods and strokes his nose over mine, then tentatively touches my lips. It’s a slow kiss, almost melancholy, the room full of questions with unknown answers. It’s what I need, though. I don’t need teeth-clashing, clothes-pulling, frantic kisses. This one is like the first we shared. Sweet and full of promise. Only now it’s full of love too.

“Shower?” I ask when the kiss ends.

“Do you still want to go to see Merrick?” Ivan scrubs the shampoo through my hair. It’s an action I’ve never thought another person would do for me, but it’s incredibly sensual, especially when interspersed with chaste kisses.

“No, it’s fine. We’ve had enough excitement for the day. Anyway, it’s not that important. It will come up in conversation at some point.”

“What do you want to do now? Tip.” He gives me a nudge, and I tip my head back under the water.

“You.”