24. Oakley

24

OAKLEY

I thought I'd be able to get to my room and put some underwear on without having to see anyone first, but luck is not on my side. Everyone is sitting in the living room when I walk in and they all turn to look at me.

For a moment, silence passes between us until Briar says, "Just can't wipe that smile off your face, can you?"

I don't even realize I'm smiling, but now that he said so… no, I can't.

Shutting the door behind me, I cross the room and drop into the chair. Then wince because it's been quite a while since I had sex and yep, I can feel it.

"Good night?" Haze asks. His smile is small, reminding me a lot of Loren. Unassuming. Quiet. There's a lot behind the smile, but he keeps it closed off from the world.

"Yes," I admit. "Also, a good morning."

Haze chuckles.

I bring my knees up and wrap my arms around my legs. They're looking at my neck. I can feel their eyes as if their fingers are brushing the wounds.

They're beginning to itch. It's been absolute torture trying not to scratch at them. But I don't want them to scar and live the rest of my life with people staring at my neck.

My friends were… not nearly as ready to accept the explanation I gave them about being attacked and Loren rescuing me. It's the truth; however, they've been waiting for the news to report something.

As if they know my thoughts, Briar says, "I haven't seen a report yet."

I sigh, reflexively wrapping my hand around my neck. "I told you—I didn't press charges." There isn't someone alive to press them against.

Obviously, I couldn't tell him that. Even without Voss warning me this morning, I wouldn't have said anything.

"We believe that," Levis says. "We're not convinced you should let it go."

"You don't have to be convinced. You just have to support my decision and trust that it's taken care of," I insist.

"Loren rescued you," Honey Bee muses as if she's trying to get the missing pieces to appear and fall into place.

"I'm not going to talk about this again," I say and get to my feet.

"All right, all right," Briar says, raising his hand. "We'll drop it."

"Looking at the remnants of that… fight… makes us upset," Honey Bee admits. "We're just worried."

"I know and I appreciate it. As it turns out, you had grounds to be worried. But I promise you, I'm good. Everything is fine."

The truth is, I haven't told them the full details because that would lead to a lot of questions that I simply can't answer. It was almost midnight when my phone rang the day of the attack; Honey Bee was freaking out because no one had seen or heard from me since my argument with Brek.

It took me a long time to assure her I was fine, that I'd had an accident and was healing, but I'd be home the following day. With Myro and Jalon's help, we came up with a story. Since there was simply no way to say anything other than I had been attacked with something around my neck, we had to start there. Then somehow tie Loren in since I was at their house, and leave the attacker anonymous, which wasn't hard because we didn't actually know who he was.

At the time, anyway. While Loren didn't say, I'm sure he now knows who he was.

"One more question," Levis says. I sigh. "This isn't just some kinky shit that got out of hand, is it?"

My eyes widen. Briar spits out his drink and then chokes on it as he tries to catch his breath. Haze laughs, slapping his back. Even Brek manages to crack a smile, though it's not at the question so much as it is Briar sputtering.

"No," I promise, once I'm relatively sure Briar's going to make it. "I'm not really into kinky shit. I'll leave that for you."

He shrugs one shoulder, not confirming or denying that he's interested in kinky shit. Not gonna lie, I'm slightly intrigued now.

"You hanging out for the day or taking off as soon as he's free?" Brek asks.

There's no mistaking the bitterness in his voice, even as he tries to hide it. He's been weird for a while now; ever since I started talking to Loren. While he still refuses to admit to not liking Loren, I'm not sure what to do about it.

"That depends. If you're going to act like an ass and still not give me a legitimate reason why, I'm leaving as soon as he's done doing whatever it is Loren does. Your choice."

I can tell there's a whole lot that he wants to say, but Brek doesn't answer. Honey Bee untucks her legs and scooches across the cushion to cuddle into his side. Brek sighs, wrapping his arm around her shoulders, now avoiding my eyes.

"Any closer to deciding on a major?" Briar asks.

Giving him a thankful smile that he's moved the conversation away from Loren, I shake my head. "Honestly, the classes I like the best, I'm not sure how to make a career out of them. I love ancient cultures, but where is the practical application in that?"

Every single one of my friends is graduating this spring. All five. Then there's me. Still stupidly undecided. I think I have enough courses for a double major in a number of fields by now because of taking extra classes during semesters and summer courses. But fuck if I know what to do with any of them.

"You can be a researcher," Honey Bee suggests. "Or an archaeologist and discover lost cities and treasures."

I nod absently. The thing is, I'm fascinated with this stuff but… neither of those things sound particularly appealing.

"You want to be a professional student," Levis says, amused.

Sighing, I nod and drop my face into my hands. "Why can't that be a thing?! I could test out new courses and stuff."

"Maybe you need a sugar daddy," Briar teases, not for the first time.

Brek scowls, turning his attention to the window.

"Maybe," I say, shrugging. "Any leads on jobs?" I ask.

"Actually," Levis starts, "I've been talking to Jalon. I might take an internship at Van Doren Technologies for a bit. They have their fingers in probably every single career field imaginable and since they seem friendly enough across the street, I thought I'd see what he thought about it."

"He agreed?" Briar asked.

Levis shrugs. "He's suggesting that I work for the summer in information technology, but if I want the position that I've been talking about, I really need a master's degree. He's not wrong, and I've had it on my mind for a while now."

"That's a lot more school, isn't it?" Brek asks.

Levis shrugs. "A Ph.D. is like five more years after a master's degree. Usually, you can get a masters in just a couple. I'm not ruling out either."

"That doesn't surprise me in the least," Honey Bee says. "You're such an overachiever."

He smirks, shrugging.

"Are you still with the same girl?" I ask.

Levis nods.

"She the one?"

He shrugs. "Could be. She's sweet."

"And hot," Briar says.

Honey Bee nods. "There's like three girls in the world I'd swing that way for, and I think yours is one of them." She fans herself while pretending to drool.

Levis grins. "She's hot," he agrees. "She's also smart and sweet. Our dreams for the future seem to align."

"Then what's the holdup?" Honey Bee asks.

"The fact that we've only been together for four months."

"Oh no, that's fair," Briar says. "Give them time to let their true colors show."

"She seems genuine so far," Levis said, "and hasn't gotten jealous over our living situation or how much time we spend together. She says she's excited to meet Honey Bee and is sure you'll be quick friends." He shrugs.

"Girls have said that before," Honey Bee says.

We all glance at Briar.

He waves us off. "Single for the win right now."

Honey Bee gives him a pouty look. "Sorry, Briar."

Briar shrugs. "I'm learning not to fall so quickly. Less disappointing that way."

"Any new prospects?" I ask.

"A couple. I feel like I need to have an elevator pitch that lists the things they need to be down with before I even talk to them."

"I can totally make one for you," Brek says. "I've been looking for a project that's beyond the required shit my courses have lined up."

Briar laughs. "Knock yourself out, bro. It definitely can't hurt."

"I'm thinking a little pamphlet," Brek says, dropping his head onto the back of the couch thoughtfully. "Oh! I could make it digital and interactive!"

"He's going to be handing them a QR code and having them take questionnaires," Haze says.

"Hey, that's cool. I want my wife and kids already." Briar pouts. "I'm really kind of tired of waiting."

"Such a sap," I mutter.

He meets my eyes and we exchange grins. We both know I want that too. Well, not the wife part.

"Haze?" Honey Bee asks.

He looks up from his phone. "Yes?"

"Any boyfriends we should know about?"

"Plural? No. Two seems like a lot of work."

"I could totally handle two lovers," Brek says wistfully, making us all look at him. A beat passes and he picks his head up. "What? One to ride me and one to sit on my face. I think that sounds really good, no?"

"So you want a threesome," Briar says. "That's different from having two girlfriends, dude."

"Well, yeah, I guess. Okay, yes, definitely. But I don't just want a threesome. I think cuddling with two bodies would be great. This side is cold right now." He raises the arm that Honey Bee isn't under.

"We've tainted his view of the world by always being in a group," Levis says, amused.

"Do you have two girlfriends?" Honey Bee asks.

Brek laughs. "Not even one. I swear, all the girls I meet are only looking to fuck around, and I'm not entirely sure I'm into that right now."

"Aw. Our sweet Brekky is growing up," Briar says, grinning.

Brek rolls his eyes.

"Anyway," I call out. "Back to you, Haze. Boyfriend?"

Haze shakes his head.

"Who're you talking to right now, then?" Honey Bee asks, eyeing his phone. "Hook up?"

He snorts. "No. My professor, actually. I hate this assignment and I want to swap it. He's at least entertaining the idea."

"Are you intentionally being elusive and not answering the question about whether you're seeing someone or…?" Briar asks.

"I'm not being elusive. I'm not seeing anyone."

"Are you interested in someone?" I ask.

Haze shakes his head, shrugging. After a minute, he sighs. "You know, I thought it would be great to just be… out. Without fear or worry about my brothers and father. Oren's far away and I don't have to keep thinking about coming home and finding him curled in the corner of his bed because they're fucking shit to him. Yet… I still feel…"

He trails off.

Levis gets up and squishes into the cushion next to him, wrapping our big guy in a hug. Haze laughs but drops his head on Levis' shoulder.

"I'm fine," Haze insists. "Seriously, I feel a lot fucking better being here. I'm not exactly scared to tell people. I mean, the girls that hit on me know because I make sure they do but, I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready to make an announcement. It feels too big, too much pressure."

"That's cool," Levis says. "You don't have a deadline to meet."

"Yeah, but the more you guys shack up with partners and shit, the more I realize I want that. I can't exactly have it both ways. It's not like I want to hide a relationship either, but not hiding means being out in the world and again, I'm not sure I'm there. So what's the option right in the middle because I think I need that one?"

"I'm not going to say this to pressure you in any way, Haze," I start. "I know how scared you've been. I've taken on your fear a lot over the years because I was afraid of your family, and I was afraid that they'd take you away from us if they knew I was gay. And I just want you to know that it is scary finally telling everyone the truth and making it readily known, embracing that part of myself, but it's also really, really freeing. I feel good. I don't have to constantly chant in my head that's too gay as a means of policing how I act or what I wear or how I talk. For the first time in my life, I'm not carrying this weight around on my shoulders."

"You're confusing those feel-good endorphins from freedom of expression with regular sex," Honey Bee teases.

I roll my eyes, as Haze and Briar snort in amusement.

"Joking aside, I'm really, really happy that you've finally been able to freely be who you are," Honey Bee admits. "It's been so fun these last few months seeing you share glimpses of yourself with the rest of the world and not just us. I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks," I say.

"Thanks for that," Haze says. "I really appreciate knowing that you struggled, but you feel it was worth it."

"Definitely. For a lot of reasons, this was the right move for me. Even if we did it for you," I say.

Haze shakes his head.

"We did it for all of us," Levis comments. "Haze's safety was definitely a top priority, but I think it was the best decision we've all made together."

"Together," Honey Bee says, grinning.

"Together," we agree as a group. Even Brek is smiling right now.

Sometimes I wonder how long we can keep this sentimentality before we're pulled apart in different directions. Life happens. We're adults now. We're cultivating relationships. How long before this is nothing but a memory?

The knowledge that these moments are numbered makes my chest ache.