26. Zane

26

ZANE

A s the weeks pass after we cut all contact with Lyric, it feels like a relief at first. The constant drama, the tension—it all disappeared overnight. I could focus on classes, the fraternity and my life without the constant reminder of her presence. It was a breath of fresh air and I thought maybe we had made the right decision.

But as the days turned into weeks, that relief started to fade. I find myself thinking about her more often than I'd like to admit. I miss her presence, the way she'd challenge us and even the fire in her eyes when she was angry. I miss the way she made me feel less alone.

I try to distract myself with frat events, parties, and endless studying, but nothing seems to fill the void she left behind. The house feels emptier without her, and I catch myself looking for her in the crowd, hoping for a glimpse of her, even though I know it's pointless.

Levi and Archer don't talk about her much, but I can see it in their eyes. We're all struggling, pretending that everything's fine when it's not. The nights are the worst. I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, replaying every moment we spent together, every intimate moment, every joke we shared, every flirtatious moment.

Did we make a mistake? Did we go too far?

I push the thoughts away, but they always come back, nagging at me, whispering that we were wrong. I want to believe that cutting her off was the right move and that we're better off without her. But deep down, I know it's a lie. I miss her, more than I ever thought possible.

The holidays are approaching fast, and Levi and I have joined the committee to decorate the house. We stand outside one afternoon together, working on stringing lights on the exterior trim. We watch campus life bustle around us, a group of friends laughing and talking, couples holding hands, sharing secrets and I feel a pang of envy.

Levi looks up at me where I'm on the ladder and touches my leg. "Hey. You okay?" he asks, his voice low.

I hook a strand and shrug. "Yeah, just thinking."

"About her?" he asks, and I can't help but nod.

"Do you think we made a mistake?" I ask, finally voicing the question that's been gnawing at me.

Levi sighs. "I don't know, man. It felt right at the time, but now… I'm not so sure."

"Honestly? I feel like revenge felt good. Seeing her broken and defeated felt good. But somehow, I feel like it's made my own life worse."

"Me too," Levi admits. "Revenge only feels good for a little while, but then you're left cold and empty."

We continue working in silence for a while, the weight of our decisions hanging heavily between us. Once the lights are strung, we move on to decorating the lawn with more lights and lawn ornaments. There's also a giant, twelve-foot tree to decorate. Some of the frat brothers are decorating the inside, but we promised to come help decorate the tree in the foyer once we're done.

The afternoon light is fading so we're motivated to finish quickly, trying to beat the sunset. "Why did we think those flyers were a good idea?" Levi asks, breaking the silence as we throw nets of lights over the bushes together.

"We were hurting and lashing out," I say, releasing a sigh as we check to make sure the lights are all working. "We had good reason not to trust Lyric, but instead of doing something smart about it and talking to her, we chose to blow everything up this time."

"I just wish I could understand why Lyric changed so much," Levi murmurs.

I wrap a strand of lights around a sapling. "I don't know. Maybe the pressure of everything we were doing was getting to her."

Levi pushes a stake into the ground that is going to hold an inflatable Santa Claus. "I meant why she changed in high school. It feels like there's always been this big divide between the Lyric of that summer and the one before everything happened."

"Yeah," I say slowly, pausing. "It's like everything changed after she gave up her virginity. Do you think maybe she regretted it? Maybe wanted a way out and took the first opportunity she saw?"

Levi pulls the inflatable out of a box. "Maybe. I can't say without asking her, though. And I'm sure as shit not ready to talk to her yet."

"Me neither," I agree. Is there even any way to make things right? The questions swirl around in my mind, like wondering why Lyric felt she couldn't talk to us if she had regrets about our time together that summer. Or wondering why we keep getting tangled up with her time after time, even though we know she's toxic for us.

It's because I've been trying to cling to the past , I realize with startling clarity. Losing my parents means I lost any connection I had with my own history, with my own childhood. I've been clinging hard to any semblance of a relationship with Lyric because I didn't want to lose yet another connection to my past.

I take a step back from the tree and examine the lights, wondering if they've been strung correctly. It feels unbalanced, like there are too many on one side.

"What do you think?" I ask Levi. He looks up from where he's inserting another stake and eyes the tree.

"It's alright," he says, shrugging.

"Alright?"

"It's fine," he amends.

I run a hand through my hair, irritation rising. I wish Lyric were here. She's good at giving it to me straight. I remember one time when I was getting ready for our eighth-grade graduation, she came up and told me that my hair looked dumb with so much gel in it and made me wash it out.

The memory has me chuckling, recalling the way she held my head under the tap in the bathroom sink and helped me rinse the gel out.

It's times like this that I miss her the most, when I'm remembering what we used to have and missing it. She was our friend, first and foremost. Outside of our little band of brothers, she was the first person we connected with.

I think back to the day we met her. She was starting middle school and Levi was assigned as her older "buddy" who was supposed to help her out. He was pretty sullen and withdrawn after everything he went through with his parents over the summer, though, so he didn't do anything for her.

When he was talking to me and Archer at the lockers, Lyric came up and demanded that the two of us show her around since Levi "didn't want to do his job".

Levi thought it was funny, the way this barely eleven-year-old girl sassed him like that. And Archer and I were amused by the whole thing. She started hanging around us from then on, and slowly, we became inseparable.

I want to know what changed for her. When did we become her enemies? At what point did she decide she was done with us? And why did she throw us away like yesterday's garbage?

"Hey, pass me that box," Levi says, pulling me out of my thoughts of the past. "We're nearly done. Can you help with the lawn ornaments?"

"Yeah," I say, jogging over and picking up the box he's pointing at. "Let me fix the lights on that tree first."

I head back over and adjust it, trying to put Lyric out of my mind. I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. It's not healthy. One of my therapists told me that after my parents died. Lydia and Eric had me see several throughout the years as I came to terms with everything that happened, so I'm well-versed in therapy-speak now.

Maybe letting everything from the past go would help me. If I stopped dwelling on everything, I could focus instead on the future and figure out what I want to do with my life, as well as move past the hurt that Lyric has caused us.

As soon as I'm done with the tree lights, I join Levi as we set up the rest of the lawn ornaments. It feels good to focus on something productive and fun instead of dwelling on the stuff that haunts me.

We finish up just as the sun starts to go down and pack up the boxes to carry down to the frat basement, where they'll stay until the end of the holiday season.

"Looks good," Archer says as he comes up the walk. He had a study session at the library, so he had to skip the festivities, but he wanted to be back in time to decorate the tree with us.

"Thanks," I say, stepping back to look at our work. Levi stands with me, admiring what we've done. The lights are on a timer and they start lighting up as the sun gets further past the horizon, giving everything around us a warm, twinkling glow.

If only it were this easy to give our lives a shiny new look. As we walk into the house, I wonder once again if I can bring myself to let go of the past. Maybe that's the key. If I could let go, I could have the life I've been craving for so long.

I don't know if it's possible, but I have to at least try, right?