Chapter 29

In the moment, Lucky might not have fully considered what spending the night at Maverick’s house would entail.

Her boyfriend asked. She said yes. And now she was standing like an awkward penguin in the middle of his kitchen while he prepped the counter to make donuts.

“What’s wrong?” he asked over his shoulder. “This should be easy for you.”

“I don’t cook. I perfect making other people’s recipes and reuse them until the family’s kids want something new. Then I learn some more.”

Maverick smiled against her lips as his arms slid around her waist. “Ah, your secret revealed.” He almost always smiled right before he kissed her. “What is it?”

She rested her forehead against his. “Nothing.”

“I know when you’re upset. Tell me.”

She grabbed loose fistfuls of his shirt to keep herself in the moment. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing.”

“About?”

“Right now. I’ve been trying to figure out what we’re doing, and I can’t.”

He pulled back in confusion. “You don’t want to make donuts?”

“I do. That’s…fine. But we’re here. Alone. For once. With nowhere to go. And you’re not—” She took a breath. “I’m asexual.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Uh. Okay.”

“I don’t always read situations like this correctly. I’m not sure if you’re waiting for me to make the first move or if I’m supposed to be forward and do it or if you don’t want to at all. We don’t have to. I just—I don’t like feeling confused about this.”

“Okay. I hear you,” he said. “So, did I do something to make you confused?”

She sighed. “Please don’t get mad at me because I didn’t pick up on sexy time signals or whatever. You have to tell me. I know that’s not hot or even romantic, but that’s what works for me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” He rubbed her cheek with the back of his hand. “I would never get mad at you for that. I take it that’s happened before?”

She nodded, unable to look at him. She used to have sex with her ex-boyfriend Louis whenever he wanted. Whether she enjoyed it was as predictable as a coin toss. Not that he cared. But that still wasn’t enough because she never brought it up or initiated it, which he said was “really weird.”

So, Lucky did what she always did and researched. Turns out, she wasn’t weird—she was asexual. And she began to suspect she didn’t like Louis as much as she had convinced herself she had.

Maverick gently raised her chin. “Donuts aren’t a code for anything. I need to use the dough before it goes bad. I figured we would make them, relax, maybe watch a movie, and then go from there. That’s honestly as far as I got. I didn’t invite you here to necessarily have sex. My only goal was to spend time with you.”

She almost always kissed him as fast and desperate as she felt.

So, they made donuts. He stood behind her as he taught her how, guiding her hands with his as they rolled the dough, cut them into near-perfect shapes, and mixed the filling while they proofed. His kitchen filled with the smell of the warm oil, the crackling bubble of the dough frying, the sweet cinnamon sugar they dusted on top. Her favorite.

Afterward, they settled on the couch wrapped in a blanket. He reclined backward, one leg up and the other bent at the knee, his foot on the floor. She nestled half on top of him, half squeezed into the sliver of space between him and the couch. His arm curved around her back, holding her firmly against him. Every few minutes, he’d kiss the top of her forehead and she nuzzled his jaw in return. Perfectly warm. Perfectly happy.

“That’s what you wanted to tell me in the tree house, wasn’t it?” He shifted to look at her.

She smiled from the feeling of his voice vibrating in his chest. It’d been so, so long since she’d been close enough to experience it like this. “Yeah.”

“That makes sense. Explains a lot.”

It took some effort, but she managed to roll over, lying on top of him. He moved with her, hands holding her steady at the hip.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She traced the curve at the hollow of his throat with nimble fingers.

He inhaled sharply in response but said nothing, gaze fixed on her face.

“It’s okay to ask me. About anything. I don’t mind.”

He captured her fingers suddenly and held them in place against his chest. She caught the barest hint of frustration in his expression before it faded.

“It’d be helpful, for me, if you told me whether or not you wanted to.”

“What do you want?” he asked.

“I want to know what you want so I can start processing the idea.”

“Processing.” He laughed, chest rumbling beneath her, but he stopped abruptly. “Wait…you’re serious?”

Lucky nodded. She hated feeling ignorant. She wanted to be informed and confident in her choices. So, she’d taken Georgia’s advice, which led to her researching how to approach a partner about sex. She’d get it right this time.

“I don’t handle spontaneous well. I know that’s a big turn-on for some people, so I need to mentally prepare for that kind of thing. My libido is also on the lower side. I don’t think about sex often, if at all, and I really don’t like being surprised.” She scrunched her nose, completely comfortable with him. “Now, I know that might make me sound boring, but I promise having sex won’t be.”

“It won’t.” He traded the last bits of his smile for a furrowed brow.

“Nope. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it.”

“I see.”

She kissed his chin and kept smiling. She’d learned the most important behavioral parts of sexual negotiations were smiling and eye contact. She also needed to be firm but not inflexible. Give-and-take and compromise were crucial to setting boundaries. She wanted Maverick. She wanted to make this work.

So why wasn’t it working? Maverick was frowning.

“Was that too nerdy? I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He frowned harder. “For what?”

“Ruining the mood by talking too much. But if I don’t ask, then—”

“You haven’t ruined anything.” He paused. “I’m…processing. I’m not sure if having sex is a good idea.”

“Oh, you don’t want to.”

He shook his head. “That’s not what I said.”

“You don’t want to…with me?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to—”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Nope, no, you didn’t. No.” He laughed nervously. “I feel like you’re spinning out here and that’s not where I’m going. I’ll explain. I need a second.” He raised one of her hands to his mouth, kissing her knuckles and then her palm.

She pressed her lips together to keep quiet. He let her get everything she wanted to say out into the open and she’d do the same for him. No interruptions. No assumptions.

“You know me,” he began quietly. “You called me cautious. I can see how you might interpret my…self-control for something it isn’t. You’re so affectionate, and I love that about you. I can’t stress that enough—love it. Okay?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “I love that about you too.”

“Okay.” He bit his lower lip, dragging it through his teeth before continuing. “I feel like you might be sensitive about this, but I don’t know how else to explain it.”

“Tell me. It’s okay.” She braced herself for impact.

He took a deep breath. “I don’t think we’re on the same wavelength. I mean, look how we’re laying—it’s obvious that I’m the only one struggling right now.”

“Oh, shit.” She instantly reeled backward, using the back of the couch to sit up. How could she be so selfishly oblivious? She was literally laying between his legs on top of him. Of course, he was having a hard time.

But he sat up just as quickly, pulling her back to him. “No, don’t go, please. Don’t leave.”

He pulled her into his lap, at presumably a better angle, holding her against his chest again. She curled her arms under his, placing her hands on his shoulders and doing her best to hide her face.

Faking attraction wasn’t hard when the other person didn’t see you clearly.

Lucky learned to be a mirror. People saw what they wanted. Their desires reflected.

But Maverick saw through her like a window. She chose to let him see who she was. He chose to see her beyond his needs.

“If I start crying, no, I didn’t.” He was so, so good to her.

“Okay.” He rubbed her back, smooth, gentle circles.

“This is so strange. I worked so hard learning all the rules and taking the time to figure out how to make them work for me.” She started giggling. “No one’s ever rejected my sexual advances before.”

His reluctant laugh made her look at him. “I didn’t reject you.”

“I know,” she said softly. “Thank you for showing me how much you really do see me. I said no one did, and here you are, proving me wrong—wow, you’re really wrecking my ego tonight.”

“I told you—you don’t know everything.”

“And you hit me with the I told you so?” Lucky was saved from further humbling by her phone chirping across the room.

“What is that?” he asked.

“I chose the most annoying sound possible for Hennessee’s motion detector alarm. Otherwise, I won’t look at it.” She regretfully untangled herself from him. The orchard had frequent visitors like possums and raccoons. More so now that Gengar wasn’t constantly patrolling his territory. “Oh, shit.”

“Everything okay?” He turned off the TV and was folding the blanket.

“Yeah. Raccoons.”

She also had seven missed calls from the unknown caller. In Springstop, the calls became so frequent she tuned them out until she copied the times on her spreadsheet for analysis. And then…Maverick happened. She’d been so preoccupied by him that she’d forgotten all about them.

According to the call log, before today, the last call was a few hours before she returned to Hennessee House. Nothing in between then and now—the night she skipped curfew.

Interesting.

The screen changed, signaling an incoming call. “Hello?”

Low-grade static sounded through the phone. She held it slightly away from her ear, purposefully turning her back to Maverick. The noise continued with the addition of clicking every three seconds.

Maverick’s hand on her lower back made her hang up. “Come on.”

They’d stopped at the store to get the toiletries she preferred, but he let her borrow one of his shirts for bed. She walked out of the guest bathroom post-shower wearing it, holding it to her nose and sniffing.

“Are you checking if it’s clean?”

“No.” She snorted. “It smells like you.” She kissed him, then buried her face in his neck, inhaling to make him laugh.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Stop smelling so good, then.” She walked to the bed. “Which side do you normally sleep on?”

“The middle.”

“Perfect. You can curl around me on either side. I prefer being the little spoon.”

“Somehow, I knew that.”

Lucky was under Maverick’s covers in record time, turning her back to him. As instructed, he curved his body around her, sliding one arm across her chest, holding her close just under her breasts. He kissed the back of her neck before she felt their shared pillow dip when he relaxed. She bided her time by counting his breaths before rolling over to face him. “Maverick.”

“Lucky.” He was already smiling, clearly amused. He was also topless.

On a scale of one to ten, he broke it because he was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen. She touched his arm, loving the smooth texture of his skin and the way it hugged his muscles. “So, how do you like to be touched?”

“You’re doing just fine.” He kissed her once and had her in the palm of his hand.

“If you need to—”

“See, that’s it though. If I need to.” He propped himself up on his elbow. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do but that isn’t what I need. It’s not that simple.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t.” His gaze dropped to the sheets, but she wasn’t going to let him run away from her. They’d come too far. She pressed her forehead against his, making him look at her. His eyes burned with conflict, seeming even darker.

“Explain it to me.”

“I already know it’ll make you feel bad. It’s not your fault and I don’t want you thinking it is.”

“Noted,” she said. “Tell me anyway.”

He caressed her cheek, across her jaw, and down the lines of her neck. She fought to keep her breathing even. It might not have been sexual, but his touch absolutely did something to her. She felt those sensations in vivid detail, every blissful second as he moved across her skin.

No one had ever made her feel that way. No one had ever held her so delicately in their hands that if they were to crush her, she’d come back for more. But he would never do that to her. Because he proved how precious she was to him.

Maybe that was it. The inherent safety in his touch had irrevocably changed her.

“In my dreams, you always talk in riddles,” he began. “Everything you say is designed to torment me. You’re not even supposed to be there. I dream about monsters and phantoms, demons and misery, worlds with no rules other than pain. I’ve made my way through, taking what I want, controlling what I can’t for years, and now suddenly there’s you. Deep in the heart of me every night.”

The ferocity in his eyes left her breathless. Mesmerized—no better word for the control he had over her in that moment.

“I can’t write about you. Every night I hope you’re there so I’ll have another chance to figure out how your dream story will end. Because when I’m awake I think about you too much, too often. I can’t stop. I’m so desperate for you it’s shameful. Every part of me is overpowered by you all the time. I hide it because I don’t understand how this happened. I can’t write about you. I can’t make sense of it.”

Lucky grinned. “That’s why you said you wanted to see where this goes. How long have you been dreaming about me?” she teased.

He bit his lip. “You know me, and I see you. I don’t want to feel your indifference. I can’t because I think it’ll break me.”

She exhaled a delicate laugh. “If I wasn’t okay with having sex, please trust me when I say I would have never offered. I would’ve gone out of my way to avoid even talking about it. Wanting you to clue me in doesn’t mean I’m indifferent.”

“The way you keep talking about it makes it seem like that’s exactly what’ll happen. Your whole focus is on me. Like, you need me to ask because it’s some obligation you’ve convinced yourself you need to fulfill,” he said, disbelief on full display. “I have never once brought up sex. You’re the one who keeps doing it.”

“Because I know you’re thinking about it and trying to hide it. And it’s not an obligation. It’s…kindness?”

“No, it isn’t.” His smile had almost returned.

“It’s…it’s…understanding?”

“It’s you, pretending. That’s the word you’re looking for.”

“Well, if I’m pretending, then so are you,” she challenged. They needed to have an agreement in place that they could both be happy with. They needed to decide together, openly and honestly. Didn’t he understand that? “Pretending you’re ‘fine’ isn’t going to do either of us any good. You can’t surprise me with this later on. I need you to tell me if this is something important to you because I honestly feel like it is. All my cards are on the table, and you can barely match my honesty.”

“Because I only have one card.” Maverick hesitated. “I want you to want me as desperately as I want you.”

“You think I don’t want you?” She climbed onto his lap, placing her hands on his shoulders. “I want you to listen to me very carefully. I’m going to speak slowly to ensure you understand every word. No, I don’t have a well of unbridled passion to pull from. It’s never going to feel like that so make your peace with it now.”

“Lucky—”

“Do not interrupt me.” She kissed him long enough to make her point. “Do you have any idea how hard all of this has been for me? I have never been this vulnerable in my life. I’ve shared things with you I planned to take to my grave, alone and unloved. But you ruined that when you promised to keep me safe, because I believed you. I still believe you. I want you to be happy and I want to be the one who makes you happy. Me. I want you more than I have ever wanted anyone, but I will never sacrifice myself to do that. And now I know that you would never ask me to.

“I know you and you see me. I’m yours and you are mine. Any questions?”

His smile was as criminal as it was transcendent. “No, ma’am.”

“Good.” Lucky kissed him, as gently as she could manage while caressing the curve of his jaw. His hands finally left her hips to tentatively travel up the back of her shirt. The heat from his hands permeated her skin, reaching down to her muscles. Maintaining eye contact, she whispered against his lips, “Because you make me feel safe.” She brushed her nose against his. “I want us to get to a place where you feel comfortable telling me what you need.”

Lucky had told him everything, but she knew from his uncertain touches and hard-won smiles that he’d barely gotten started. Maverick wasn’t where she was. Not yet.