4. Chapter 4 - Kaitlyn

One Spring night, we celebrated Zach and Emma's not-quite-wedding anniversary after a full day of celebrating Ben's birthday. They had chosen to celebrate a Fakiversary near the date when Ben was born, because, as Zach pointed out, that was when they felt like they got hitched. But also, as he pointed out, "There is too much going on in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we'll never get a proper celebration!"

Ben was seven years old, give or take a bit of time because of time travel. Emma and Zach were celebrating their seventh Fakiversary.

Zach had said, when he was telling us the plan, "It's the itchy one!"

Emma smacked him in the arm. "Are you itchy?"

He laughed, "No, of course not, it's just what it's called!"

Fraoch said, "What does itchy mean?"

Zach said, "They call it the seven-year-itch, when you want to fool around — ugh, it was my poor attempt at a joke."

Fraoch's eyes went wide. "I am surprised ye survived it."

Magnus said, "I think we hae come close tae a murder, I am grateful Madame Emma inna the type tae carry a dirk."

Zach said, "I thought it would be funny, but in hindsight..."

She said, "What my husband is forgetting is that itchiness can go both ways." She scratched behind her ear and then her side.

He said, "Oh no, no, no don't tease me!"

She said, "He's also forgetting the true meaning of a Fakiversary, where husbands must lavish gifts upon their wives, especially long-suffering wives."

He joked, "So the thing I was already getting you...?"

She grinned. "Sounds like the only solution is you'll need to double it."

He said, "Yes, of course, anything you say, love of my life. Just, promise if you get itchy you come to me for the cream."

We all groaned, exaggeratedly. Zach said, "I know I know, humor is risky, again, poor joke. I will triple the size of the diamond."

Emma laughed. He kissed her on the cheek.

We had offered to watch the kids while Zach and Emma went out to dinner, but they had gone out the weekend before to a hotel for two nights, calling it the prelude to the Fakiversary, and so for the actual Fakiversary they preferred to have a dinner with all of us.

The kids were wiped out by the day, a bouncy house with a water slide, and cake and ice cream. The littles had been melting down, and had all gone to bed. Archie and Ben, already in their pajamas, were watching a movie and eating popcorn in the living room with popcorn.

And we adults were out on the back deck, a long table decorated with a floral centerpiece, and takeaway from Zach's favorite restaurant. He had to sit there while we served it too, not helping, since he was part of the couple we were celebrating.

He gripped the edge of the table comically, pretending like it was hard to watch Fraoch pull boxes from the bags, popping the clamshell lids open, and peeking inside. Fraoch poked a finger in and licked it. "Och aye, tis garlic potatoes."

Zach groaned. "It says it on the box! You don't have to put your finger in!"

"Aye, but ye canna trust everything, Zach, this is yer problem, ye are too trustful!" Fraoch grinned at Hayley. "Inna it true?"

"I disagree, his problem is he's mistrustful, look at him, he can't even trust us to open the boxes and put them in front of everyone." She pulled a box out of the bag, checked the tag taped to the side. "Short ribs, who ordered short ribs?'

Zach said, "Me!"

Hayley grinned. "Let me check first." She opened the clamshell and poked her finger in. "Yep, seems like short ribs!"

Zach groaned, put his arms around Emma's shoulders, and buried his face in her hair. "Don't make me watch! We should have gone out."

We got the boxes of food in front of all the places. I said, "I'm sorry we didn't open it in the kitchen and put it prettily on the plates."

Zach said, "I couldn't bear letting you do it out of my sight, or in my sight, I might have a problem — but kidding aside, this is perfect."

Magnus pushed his chair out and raised a glass of whisky. We all raised our glasses.

He opened a piece of paper and I could see his handwriting on it. He squinted at his notes in the darkness, "Och nae, tis difficult tae read, I have a good toast I wanted tae make..."

I turned on my phone's flashlight and held it over the page.

He said without reading, "We hae convened here, a light tae illuminate the words, a deck built from hearty trees, here in the present, with our gathered guests from so many different ages, one, our Sophie, carrying a bairn, bringing a future tae our family?—"

Sophie smiled, "I am due with the next moon."

"Aye, twill be a blessing. And we hae spent the day with bairns, celebrating the honor of them, and now we hae a toast from the past that I read upon the computer?—"

Fraoch said, "M'arm is growin' tired."

Magnus said, "Och, ye are soft."

Fraoch shrugged. "I am not the one who has written out a blessin' tae read afore dinner."

Magnus ignored him and began to read: "Chef Zach and Madame Emma, may the blessin' of light be upon ye – light without and light within. May the blessed sunlight shine upon ye like a great peat fire so stranger and friend may warm himself in the flame. And may light shine from yer eyes, like a candle set in the window, biddin' wanderers tae come in from the storm tae bless them with yer fine meals and yer warmth. And may the blessing of the rain be upon ye, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean, and leave there a shining pool where the blue Heaven shines reflected..."

Fraoch lowered his glass.

Magnus grinned, and continued, "...and may the blessing of the earth be on ye, soft under yer feet as ye pass along the roads, soft under ye as you lie upon it, tired at the end of day." He raised his glass even higher. "And may yer love grow strengthened in the arms of our family. Slàinte!"

We all said, "Slàinte!"

Fraoch said, "I grew impatient but twas lovely."

We sipped from our whisky and then dug into the food, a loud cacophony of conversation and laughter as we ate. At one point Noah woke up, crying in his bed. Beaty said, "Pardon me, I must go see tae the bairn. He is all turned upside down from the party today."

Quentin closed the box covering her food. "...to keep it warm." She left the deck with Mookie following along behind her, never leaving her side.

Hayley said, "Man, I really like the ease these days, nothing happening, no worries, history is settled?—"

James said, "Uh oh," and added, "Could we maybe wheesht and not tempt fate, because Sophie's due date is this week?"

We all raised our glasses to him and Sophie.

I tossed back a little more whisky. "Sophie, I cannot wait to meet your new baby, Jack and Noah are so old we need new babies around here!"

Everyone laughed, because the boys weren't even one yet.

James raised his glass, "Here's to the Irish triplets we're about to have in the house!"

I said, "One of the things I've liked is that the pregnancies take almost ten months, they're fairly constant, we can judge time by them. Even if you time jump, even if time shifts, your body is still growing a baby and it takes the amount of time that it takes."

Sophie said, "Och, I am ready for it tae be done though, the bairn has been kickin' up a storm, but aye, with time changin' around us, tis nice tae hae somethin' that follows the moon. The physician told me the bairn was due on the twenty-second day of the month, but I am inclined tae think he will be delivered tae our arms on the night of the new moon."

"That's lovely, we ought to drink to that." I raised my glass. "To the coming bairn on the night of the new moon and Sophie and James's waiting arms."

Everyone raised their glasses and we toasted with a bit more whisky.

Then Zach stood. "No one stop me. I know I'm not supposed to do anything, I must be waited on, but if we don't have a round of beers we're going to be drunk off my arse." He hiccuped, laughed, and went into the house.

Magnus shook his head. "How long did we keep him from the kitchen?"

Emma said, "It was a valiant effort, but lasted about an hour."

Fraoch said, "Tis where he is lord, he must rule over it."

We all raised our glasses again, but then Zach returned with a case of beer and a pitcher of what he called Party Punch, a nonalcoholic juice.

Hayley said, "Hey, how come you don't serve us Party Punch after a jump? Why go-go juice? Party Punch tastes much better."

"It's much better because it has mounds of sugar in it, go-go juice is specially made to be vitamin heavy and... gah!" He waved his hand. "Just drink your juice. Just accept that I have concoctions that are specially made and I know best. When I pass everyone a juice..." He popped a cap off a beer bottle and tipped it up taking a swig. "What do you say?"

Quentin joked, "Yes, sir. It tastes terrible, sir, thank you, sir."

Chef Zach said, "See, Quentin gets me!"

I said, "Now where were we...?"

Hayley said, "I said ‘History is settled' and was told to wheesht and not to tempt fate, is that what you mean?"

I said, "I agree with the wheesht — no talking about the big scheme of things, not when everything seems good — it feels settled. We're surrounded by twinkly lights and barbecue, babies sleeping, a baby about to be born... let's not discuss the history of the world."

Hayley said, "I'm sorry I said it. Now, looking around at everyone, that seems like a downward turn, who wants that? Not me! I ate a fine dish of barbecue, let's just digest."

Lochie said, "But..."

Magnus groaned. "What Lochinvar?"

"Nothin', just daena like the idea of becomin' soft."

Fraoch scoffed. "We arna soft." He tried to pop the cap off a beer and accidentally nicked his thumb, winced, and sucked it for a minute. "Daena look at me."

Lochie said, "We canna be soft, we must keep aware of our surroundings."

Quentin nodded. "Totally agree."

Lochie said, "We hae tae keep a clear eye when we look around at the timeline, make certain we arna missin' something."

Magnus exhaled. "Aye, tis true. We must always be watchful."

Hayley said, "Well, that's a downer. I notice no one told you to wheesht."

Beaty returned, holding Noah.

I asked, "Did Jack wake?"

"Nae, he's fast asleep."

She sat down with Noah in her lap. Quentin kissed her cheek and the top of Noah's wee head. Mookie dropped down to his side by her chair with a grunt.

I asked, "What would be a good way to keep aware of our surroundings?"

Lochie said, "Since Magnus has had the dream about becoming a king?—"

Magnus said, "They are recurring, and I am nae becomin' a king, I am the king. I am rulin' over people in a long ago past."

Lochie waved his hands toward Magnus, "See? Since those dreams started, I hae been thinkin' on the line of succession of the kings..."

Fraoch said, "Och nae..."

Lochie said, "What dost ye mean, ‘Och nae'?"

"Nothin' good comes from ye thinkin' on the kings, first ye speak on it, next we are riding intae battle somewhere."

"What is wrong with ridin' intae battle? If ye are needed tae ride, ye ought tae ride. This is what I am sayin', ye are grown soft..."

Fraoch waved his fists. "I will show ye soft, ye want an arse-kicking?"

Hayley said, "You boys have to stop arguing. Fraoch you are definitely not soft, you don't need to prove yourself, we all know it?—"

Fraoch said, "I fought him in an arena, not... how long ago was it?"

Hayley patted his arm. "Not long ago, you aren't soft, Lochie is just teasing to get his way."

Magnus said, "Aye, this is a pattern with ye, Lochinvar, tae get what ye want ye abuse us — dost ye want tae sit at the table with the men and enjoy a fine meal or dost ye want tae sit at the children's table with the bairns?"

"I want tae sit with the men. I am verra sorry, Fraoch, ye arna soft, ye could probably fight me without becomin' too winded. I would win, but then again I am much younger than ye, tis not yer softness but yer age."

Magnus chuckled. "Has this made it better, Fraoch?"

"Aye, that was a wonderful apology from a young lad, barely auld enough tae wipe his own arse."

Magnus chuckled more, then asked, "By the succession ye mean the list of the kings of Riaghalbane, not of Scotland?"

"Aye, why...?"

"Because lately I wonder if we are goin' tae see m'name appear on the list of Scottish kings."

Fraoch said, "I daena ever think it could be so easy."

Lochie said, "I will start with the list of Riaghalbane kings."

Magnus said, "I think Kaitlyn can get it for ye, right, mo reul-iuil?"

"Got it right here." I pulled my phone from my pocket, opened my note app and the document, Kings. I placed my phone on the table in front of Lochie.

Everyone leaned in.

I explained, "So we have Normond, then his son, then Artair's father, then Artair, then... couple more, then Magnus, but notice this is the official record. This is the one that is set. We have probably overwritten a lot of history, but we don't have that; it's lost to time?—"

Lochie said, "So this is the real, true history."

"Yes."

He asked, "And Magnus is a direct descendant, right?"

"Aye, I am direct."

Lochie asked, "But what of all the arena battles?"

I said, "There are probably a lot of those that were overwritten but the ones we know about we have on another list. I have a copy of it in my office."

I picked up the phone. "It has more kings, regents, and a couple of interim managers, a usurper or two — during Magnus's reign there have been many arena battles, Samuel took the throne for a hot minute, then there were Fraoch's brothers, and..."

Lochie said, "This is what I was thinkin' on, none of this is on the main list, so I am ponderin' what else has been omitted and do we ken?"

Fraoch said, "Usurpers daena get tae stay on the official record or it looks like we are weak. I am usin' the ‘we', that means the royal we."

Hayley laughed. "I'm impressed you used it correctly."

Lochie said, "So ye will rewrite history just so ye daena hae some men upon the list?"

Magnus said, "Aye, because they are unimportant. Tae the victor go the spoils."

Fraoch said, "If they couldna hold their throne, they daena get the honor of our pen writin' their names upon our list."

Quentin said, "This means there's a lot of turbulence we're overlooking."

Magnus said, "Aye, or ye could think on it this way — we arna overlooking it, there is just an official list and then there are the footnotes. There are many more footnotes because of overthrow and battle, a few years here and there, tis a mess. There is a long history, whole books hae been written about it."

I said, "I've got a few of the official history books upstairs too..."

Lochie said, "Do the books include all the battles?"

Quentin said, "Yep, unless they are overwritten by time travel, they're there. I've looked them over, it's chilling."

Magnus said, "Kaitlyn will be sure tae get ye a copy of the list and some of the books, Lochie, ye can look them over. Tis funny though, ye haena been interested in the kingdom's history before. M'mother is always studyin' it."

Lochie said, "She is a wise auld crone."

We all groaned.

Beaty said, "Daena let her hear ye call her a crone, Lochie. I like ye, ye are a part of the family. I would miss ye when she feeds ye tae the dragons."

He chuckled. "I would never say that tae her face, I am a warrior — I am not foolhardy." He wiped barbecue sauce off his hands. "I am glad there is a good list... I wonder if there are repeating names, maybe a branch of cousins who are particularly troublesome."

Fraoch said, "Haena we dispatched all the cousins yet?"

Magnus said, "If we haena gotten them yet, we will." They clicked their beer bottles together.

Lochie said, "But this is a good example, all the enemies ye hae fought, Og Maggy, yet when we look down at this list none of them are mentioned. Ye daena want tae give them the honor of bein' on yer list, but without their names it looks as if yer throne has been easy tae keep."

Magnus nodded in agreement, "I suppose ye are right, Lochinvar, it belies the bloodshed we needed tae maintain the throne."

"Aye, and ye will want tae see the names tae see the way they might be connected. What if there is a cousin who plans tae avenge his brother?"

Magnus said, "Och, a revengin' cousin is the worst of them."

Quentin said, "We dismissed second and third cousins as insignificant, but maybe we do need to see a full list for the patterns."

Magnus nodded. "My mother has spoken tae me on something similar. She mentioned some of m'second cousins, insignificant relations, yet.... She said, she was keeping her eye on them."

Lochie said, "Wise auld crone, as I said."

We all groaned again. I said, "Please, please don't say it to her face, but yes, I'll give you the list and the books, all the stuff I have about the lines of succession."

Lochie tipped the beer to his mouth, with a grin. Then he put the beer bottle down and said, "Nae one is goin' tae ask me about m'readin'?" He looked down at Emma, "Madame Emma, I hae been talking about the list for ten minutes and nae one mentioned it!"

Beaty said, "I will ask, Lochie, how are yer reading lessons?"

"With Madame Emma's tutelage I hae learned tae read, verra proficiently."

We all applauded.

I said, "That is great, Lochie, I'm really proud of you. I'm sorry I didn't mention it. I didn't think you wanted to talk about it."

"I dinna much want tae talk on it but now I can read most everything!" He leaned forward, "Frookie, ye ought tae get Emma tae teach ye?—"

Fraoch said, "Och nae, I asked Archie tae read tae me one time! I needed help with the instructions — the letterin' was verra small! I can read! Och nae." He waved his hand at Lochie. "I am nae speakin' tae ye anymore, ye are givin' me indigestion." Then he said, "Most every night I read, daena I, m'bean ghlan?"

"Yes you do."

Lochie said, "What dost ye read?"

"I am readin' right now about a man who came tae the world from another planet. Tis verra entertaining. There are paintings but I daena hae tae use them, I read the words upon the page."

Lochie said, "He came from another planet? How did he get tae the world, through the air?"

"Aye, he can fly."

Zach covered his mouth with a napkin so no one could see him laugh, his shoulders shaking. He took a big swig of beer, pretending to do something besides listen. Hayley, James, Quentin, and I were all glancing at each other bemused.

Lochie leaned back in his seat, as if he were mulling that over. Then he leaned forward. "Does he hae wings?"

Fraoch said, "Nae, he has a cape and the power tae fly with his arms out, swooping through the air."

Lochie said, "Och, I would like tae do that."

Fraoch said, "Aye, tis verra good, he is verra strong as well — ye would like him. I can loan ye one of the books, I hae collected many of them."

"Och aye, I would like tae read it now that I can. Dost ye ken tae read, Og Maggy?"

"Aye, I was tutored in London when I was wee, I also ken how tae speak other languages and tae perform maths, as well."

Lochie said, "I guess that's why ye are a king."

Magnus grinned. "That and the bloodline and the kickin' arse in an arena." Then he said, "Ye learnin' tae read because of the young lass?"

"Aye," he sighed, "she is a beauty."

Hayley said, "You met someone, Lochie?"

"Nae." He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

Fraoch said, "He haena met her yet, but he has looked upon her with awe."

"Aye, I will meet her, I just canna... not yet."

James said, "Is this Ash, from the Palace Saloon?"

Lochie nodded. "What kind of name is Ash, dost ye think? Tis the same as the Ash tree?"

I said, "I think it's short for Ashley, a nickname, like Lochie."

"Ashley, but they call her Ash, like the tree," he nodded. "Makes more sense."

James said, "I'll go down there with you next week and introduce you, I used to know her dad, and we all know the bartender, Don, we went to school with his older brother."

Hayley said, "James, you can't go to a bar next week, you're about to have a baby."

"Oh right."

Magnus checked his watch, then said, "Beaty and Sophie, will ye watch the bairns? The rest of us will go tae the Palace and see if we can introduce Lochie tae Ash, the maiden."

Lochie's eyes went wide. "What are ye... nae, not now... ye canna, we daena..."

Magnus stood. "Nae blusterin', Og Lochie, ye hae learned tae read and ye did it tae meet the maiden, ye are proud of yerself, aye?"

Lochie nodded.

Emma said, "I am very proud of you, Lochie, we ought to go to the Palace." She stood and jerked her head to Zach. "Come on, Babe, up and at em."

Hayley said, "Quentin and I will drive! Come on!"

Lochie shook his head, gripping the edge of the table, looking frightened.

Magnus said, "Lochinvar, we are goin' tae go tae the Palace Saloon, we will see if she is working. She might not be working, ye ken. If she is, James Cook will introduce ye. Ye will ken her name and she will ken yers."

Lochie said, "Nae one will mock me in front of her? I daena want her tae... ye winna talk down tae me?"

Magnus said, "Nae, Lochinvar, we all ken the importance and the dignity of the moment, we winna mock ye in front of her."

Fraoch said, "But if ye do something stupid I reserve the right tae insult ye in the truck after."

"I would expect it." Lochie took a deep breath.

Magnus said, "We will go, we will buy a round of drinks, we will introduce ye, and then we will come home. Twill be painless, Lochinvar."

Lochie had gone pale. "Tis the most excruciatin' thing in the world."

Fraoch clapped him on the back, "Come on, Og Lochie, throw on yer cologne and meet us in the car."

Lochie sniffed his armpits and said, "Aye, I will meet ye in the car."

He pushed his chair from the table and headed to the house.

I stood, "We're doing this?"

Magnus said, "Aye, we hae tae help the lad find a lass or he's going tae start a war."

I said, "What makes you think he wants to start a war?"

Fraoch straightened his kilt. "Why else does a young lad want tae see a long held list of usurpers tae go over the history of a kingdom? He's lookin' for trouble."

Magnus said, "Aye."

We all went into the house to gather our things to go.