iii

Gerard sat in the armchair opposite Jim. It was the hour after four in the afternoon when Shane could manage the bar downstairs on his own.

‘I don't know how much your mother has told you,' Jim said.

‘The bare minimum.'

‘She might have mentioned that it makes no sense for her to go on running the chip shop. If things were different, we would think of selling the whole building but obviously your mother doesn't want to do that, and I don't either. The next question is: do you want to run the chip shop?'

‘There isn't really much else I can do. I suppose I thought the business would be passed on to me at some stage.'

‘That is still the case. But it's a bit early, that's all. What your mother suggested is this. You use the same accountant and the same bank as I do. You pay your mother rent at half the market price. We meet once a week and we go over accounts and any other queries and problems. I will have full access to your accounts. We do this for the next few years and then we talk about the next move.'

‘The next move?'

‘Well, maybe hand the place over to you in its entirety. But that's for the future. Does that make sense to you? It's a big responsibility. Having to work nights at the weekend is not for everyone.'

‘I'll do my best.'

As Gerard was standing up, Jim thought of one more thing he wanted to say.

‘It's important that you leave the announcement of the engagement to your mother and myself. I know it might be tempting to tell someone, even your sisters. But it would be great if you didn't. In a while, we'll be letting everyone know. I think she feels a bit guilty for telling you before the others, but it's done now.'

When Gerard had gone, Jim sat back and closed his eyes. He wanted Eilis to get in touch with him and he wanted her to say that he could follow her to New York. If she agreed, then he would speak to Shane and Colette about renting the pub from him. He had some money saved, but the income from renting would make his life easier in New York, especially at the beginning.

If Eilis came and said she wanted to be with him, then he would find Nancy as soon as he could and tell her that he no longer wanted to marry her. It would be better if she had not told Gerard about their engagement, but she had, he was sure, told no one else. If he went to America, Nancy would not have to deal with all the gossip in the town.

He still believed that Eilis might say yes. After all, she had agreed to meet him in the Montrose Hotel. It had not taken much persuasion. When he had tried to begin a conversation about how they might live, she had told him he would have to wait. So he would have to do that. But he could not wait for too much longer.

He imagined a scene in which he crossed the Market Square to see if he could find Nancy alone, or in which he phoned her to ask if she could come to his house that night. She would be full of arrangements, forms to fill in, dates for travel, hopes that he would spend Christmas in Miriam's house with Laura and Gerard. It would be so natural once their engagement was announced. Also, she had spoken about moving out of the town completely and building a bungalow and having a garden.

She would be careful about this, he knew, as he had not expressed any great enthusiasm for the idea. He liked being able to take a short break in the rooms above the pub. He liked being able to climb the stairs at night and put his feet up instead of getting into a car and driving out into the countryside. He looked forward to Nancy being there at the end of the day, having a drink with her when all his customers had gone home and everything was cleaned up. And then he realised that there was no point in looking forward to this – it was precisely what he was ready to walk away from.

He tried to picture Nancy's face when he told her that he no longer wished to go through with what they had arranged. What reason would he give? What would she say? If he told her that he was leaving the town but did not state why, what would she conclude?

She would not believe him. It would surely take time to make her understand that he meant what he said. How long would this meeting between them take?

Since only Nancy herself and Gerard and Father Walsh were aware of their engagement, then there was no reason why Eilis should ever know that he had had any relationship at all with Nancy. Even in the future, he thought, it was something he would never share with her.

He went down to the bar to tell Shane that he had some business to do and he wouldn't be joining him behind the counter for an hour or two. And then he returned to his armchair and put his head back once more and closed his eyes.

He understood something about people, he thought, because he owned a pub. Each night from behind the counter he studied customers who were fully aware that they should go home or that they should not even consider having another drink. He watched them doing what made no sense, unwilling to listen to argument or reason.

He had become so used to this that normally he hardly put a thought into it. He and Shane, and even Andy, prided themselves on being able to manage these men and were proud also that they themselves never touched a drink when they were working.

Now, however, in the plans he was making, Jim realised that he himself was like one of his own worst customers, someone who knew what he should not do but was driven to do it regardless, no matter how much trouble it would cause.

He was also accustomed to hearing men boast, talking like big fellows about all the money they had or some girl they would soon get engaged to, or a son who had made a fortune in England. He knew to smile and nod his head. Most of what they said was fantasy. Jim wondered if he also, under the spell not of alcohol but of the heady plans he and Nancy were making, had been indulging in fantasy when he thought Eilis might want him to follow her to New York and be with her there.

What evidence did he have for that? What evidence did he have that she had not met him in the Montrose Hotel on a whim or as a way of completing something that had begun years before? But as soon as the thought came into his head that it might have meant nothing to her, he convinced himself that it was not true. He believed from what had happened between them in the hotel that she would not disappear on him as she had done before.

But still, if the moment came when she had to decide between the father of her children and a man who was already engaged and was prepared to destroy the life of another woman, an old friend of hers, what would she do? It was essential, he saw, that Eilis never guessed about Nancy.

He was still dreaming and he resolved that he must stop. He loved Nancy and she loved him. When he looked around the room, it was easy to imagine the life they had planned. Why would he destroy that? And Eilis had not been in touch. She could have no idea how urgent it was that she give him a sign.

In all his life, he had never imagined himself capable of going through that scene with Gerard, who trusted him so fundamentally, while knowing that he was preparing to walk away from Nancy, never to see her or Gerard again. What was most strange was that he had meant every word he had said to Gerard, or had meant every word at the time.

Often, when a customer was really drunk, he could seem sober for a few moments, could stand up straight and no longer slur his words before reverting even more intensely to their drunken state. Jim felt as though, in talking to Nancy and Gerard, he was acting the part of a sober man. But soon he would begin to sway again and slur his words and call out for another drink.

What if Eilis and he did not manage their life in America? After a silence of almost twenty-five years, they had seen each other only three times. What if her children didn't like him? How could they like him if he was the one who would change their lives by coming to America to be with their mother?

And how would he live knowing that he had betrayed Nancy? How could he coldly inform her that he did not want to be with her? That was on one side of the scales. On the other was a question that was starker and more pressing: how could he let this chance to be with Eilis slip by? If she gave him any intimation that she wanted to be with him, he would be like the man standing at the bar knowing he should not have another drink but utterly determined at the same time to forge ahead, his last pound note face up on the counter.

—

‘Gerard's been different since you spoke to him,' Nancy said. ‘He's agreed to work on Saturday night even though his friends are going to Whites.'

They were having a late-night drink in Jim's living room.

‘Gerard should take one night of the weekend off,' Jim said. ‘It wouldn't do to have him miss everything that's going on.'

‘Well, he can't take Saturday night off. It isn't just the busiest night, but the night when you need someone in control.'

Jim was almost tempted to tell her about his own Saturday nights running the bar, nights when most of his friends were at dances.

‘What are you thinking about?' she asked.

‘It's hard, working Saturday nights. I always found it hard.'

‘I never heard you complain.'

He shrugged.

‘Maybe we should arrange for you to have a Saturday night free now and then,' she said.

He poured another drink for both of them.

‘Did you see this week's Echo?'

‘I never have to open it. If there's any local news, a customer is bound to tell me.'

‘There's another site for sale at Lucas Park. It has outline planning permission.'

‘You mean for a house?'

‘Yes.'

‘You mentioned that before.'

‘No, that one was different. It was in a hollow. I thought it would be damp. This one is on higher ground.'

‘Have you actually seen it?'

‘I drove by it.'

He realised that Nancy had put more thought into this than she was ready to let him know. She had done this before when she had raised the possibility of them marrying in Rome. If he wanted to stop her making plans to buy a site, he should do so now. But there was something so certain and passionate about Nancy when she spoke about their future together. She could have no inkling, not the slightest, that Jim's mind was drifting back again and again to Eilis, to where she was and what she was thinking now.

‘You know,' Nancy said, ‘I've drawn up plans for the kind of bungalow we might build. I've been working on them for some time.'

She, he saw, was living in the future. Her life was made up of plans. Her good humour depended on what life would be like a year from now, two years from now. He was in the future too. He dreamed of coming home from work in some American suburb, pushing the gate and opening the front door to find Eilis there. Maybe if the weather was right, they could take a walk together. He saw her as he had seen her when she came home from America the first time and appeared with her mother at mass. He saw her then as she was coming towards him on the strand at Cush. He saw her in the lamplight in their room in the Montrose Hotel.

‘Are you tired?' Nancy asked him.

He nodded and smiled.

—

Gerard, it seemed, began to soak in every word that Jim said. And he did not seem to have any problem with the news that Jim was going to marry his mother and that she would move out of the house on the Market Square. But more than that: after the rows with his mother, Gerard appeared to want guidance. If Jim had told him he had to work every single night of the week, Gerard might quietly assent. This, he supposed, was what went on in most houses in the town every day. This was what Shane did when he went home. He spoke to his children; he paid attention to what they needed. And they listened to what he said.

But Shane had been looking after his children since they were born. Jim could advise Gerard all he liked, but he would never be his father. He never had to get up in the night when Gerard cried; he wasn't there when Gerard took his first steps. He found himself, some days, feeling sorry about this.

Gerard behaved differently now that he had been told he was taking over his mother's business. His way of nodding to Jim and Shane before he took his place on a stool at the bar was gruff and serious, as if he were someone arriving from a hard day's work in a bank or an office. He seemed to be carrying weight on his shoulders. When Shane asked Jim what the matter with Gerard was, Jim found himself tempted to share the news with Shane. But he was careful to stop himself.

On one of these nights, and it would not be far away, Nancy would tell him it was time they finally announced their engagement. She would have a plan. She would tell her daughters first and then her sister, then Jim would tell Shane and Colette and get in touch with his siblings. And they would go to Kerr's or Dermot Rock's where Jim would buy her a ring. And from that moment, it would be public.

When Nancy was ready for the announcement, Jim would be able to think of no excuse to postpone it. Sometimes he was able to tell himself that the matter was in Eilis's hands. If she said yes, he would follow her. If she said no, he would do what he already had planned. His worry was that she would prevaricate. She had no reason to believe that he was in a desperate hurry to find out what she wanted. She could easily tell him that they should wait and see, that they might keep in touch once she returned to America. But that would not be good enough.

—

One Saturday in the bar, Jim asked Shane, ‘Who is that tall, dark-haired young fellow? He's been in here a few times.'

‘That's the American. He's called Larry. He's Eilis Lacey's son.'

Jim caught the fellow's eye for a second. He moved away from the group around Andy and approached to shake Jim's hand.

‘Hi, Jimmy,' he said, smiling. ‘I'm Mrs Lacey's grandson. I'm here from Long Island. Mrs Lacey of Court Street.'

Jim smiled as best he could. When he turned, he saw that Shane had noticed that he was upset. He was annoyed for letting that happen. But he could not stop himself. The boy had his mother's smile. Without saying anything to Shane, Jim made his way quickly to the door that led to his own hallway and he went upstairs.

This was proof, in case he needed it, that Eilis had another life, that she was married to another man, that, no matter what they decided, Jim and she would have no children together, that the time for all that with Eilis or with Nancy was over. He had let his life pass him by in a way that Eilis had not, Nancy had not.

He went into the bathroom and looked at his own face in the mirror. He wished Larry had gone to some other pub. It was easier just to have Eilis describe him. He imagined Eilis driving this boy and his sister from the airport to Enniscorthy after being with him in the hotel. He was glad to have had that time with her. At least he would have the memory of that, if nothing else.

—

When Colette appeared the next evening he was certain that Shane had sent her. He heard her voice in the hallway.

‘Do you mind if I come up for a minute?'

If she had found him in the bar he would have told her he was too busy to have a chat. But that was probably why she had not come earlier.

She and Shane missed nothing. His absence on the day when he met Eilis at the Montrose Hotel would not have gone unnoticed, nor would Nancy's calling in to the pub looking for him that same afternoon. But he was sure, despite their ability to draw conclusions, that they had not pieced together what was happening.

As Colette came into the room, he was glad she and Shane did not know anything. They would see things more clearly than he did. He did not want advice from Colette.

‘There's something going on, Jim,' Colette said.

‘Did Shane say that?'

‘If there's anything you want to tell me and you don't want me to repeat it to Shane, then you can trust me completely.'

‘I know that.'

‘All we want is for you not to be upset.'

‘I know, but it's not simple, is it?'

‘It could be.'

He would have to be careful, he thought. It was important that no one at all knew about Eilis. If he were to marry Nancy and settle down with her, then he did not want Colette or anyone else to know how ready he had been to go with Eilis.

‘Can we talk in a week or so?' he asked.

‘Will you have news then?'

‘I might.'

She smiled.

‘Is it who I think it is?'

‘Go away now! I know you. You're looking for too much information.'

—

That night, as he was about to go to bed, the phone rang. He picked up the receiver and, hearing silence on the line, he guessed that the caller in a phone box was not pressing button A.

‘Press button A,' he said.

But there was no sound on the other end. He waited, listening closely. Whoever was calling waited too. And then the call ended. It was one o'clock in the morning. Nancy would never call from a payphone.

But Eilis could have sneaked out of her mother's house. It could be Eilis trying to speak to him. Perhaps she was having trouble with the button. Perhaps the phone was broken. Or maybe she had hesitated when she heard his voice. All he had said was ‘Hello' and ‘Press button A'. He was sure his voice had not been unfriendly. Still, if the phone rang again, he would try to put more warmth into the way he spoke.

He sat by the phone willing it to ring again. He closed his eyes and concentrated hard and clenched his fists. But nothing happened. He imagined her standing in the box wondering if she might try again, have more courage this time. He would give anything for her to call and agree to come to him.

When he had waited for long enough, he fetched his jacket, making sure the keys were in the pocket, and set out to walk to the phone box at Parnell Avenue. He knew how unlikely it would be to find her there but at least he would see the box, at least he would not regret that he had failed to come out to look for her.

There was no one on Court Street. He moved quietly past her house, sure now that she was in there sleeping, that the call had been a wrong number. When he got to the end of John Street he hesitated. If he took a few more steps, he would see the phone box. No, it was not possible she could be there. And when he looked, he was right. It was empty.