Chapter 9

NINE

Z ed woke up to a nightmare.

Flick's throat in his hands. Flick's discolored face. Horrified, Zed let go and stepped back. Pain spiked through his temples as he watched Flick collapse onto his hands and knees, wheezing. He barely sucked in a handful of breaths before he was up again, stumbling through the dark to engage all the lights the cabin had to offer.

Zed staggered backward until his back connected with the wall. His knees gave out and he thudded to his ass, slumping forward, head cupped in his hands. He couldn't look at Flick, couldn't bear to see the red handprint illuminated by the harsh lights.

He'd almost…he'd almost…

"Zed?"

He looked up, surprised to see Ness crouched in front of him. Had he lost time again? Flick stood behind her, all but vibrating—from anger, or fear, or worry, Zed couldn't tell. She offered him her small professional smile—the one she pulled out when shit was really bad. "You with us?"

He shook his head and tried to look down again, but she stopped the movement with the heel of her palm against his forehead. "Uh-uh, look at me." She shifted her fingers to his chin, holding him still, and shined her damned penlight in his eyes. "You being your quiet and contemplative self, or is it something else?"

He pulled his chin from her grasp, gently, and his gaze rested on Flick for a moment. She had to ask? He'd just woken up strangling Flick. His best friend, his lover, the one person of all people who should be safe in his arms. He'd betrayed that trust, that friendship—not only now, but so many times. When he'd left Flick after graduation. When he hadn't searched for him when he'd gone MIA. When he'd given up all contact with everyone and didn't know…

"Zed?" The light flashing in his eyes brought him back.

He squinted, pain flaring again. "I feel off. I'm not…coming back together."

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know what day it is?"

Of course he did, it was…Zed's mouth opened and closed as he realized that he had no idea. "No."

"Time?"

It was after dinner, wasn't it? But…how far after…? Fuck. "No." His chest tightened, as if someone was screwing a band around it.

"What station are we on?"

The first station name that popped into mind left his lips. "Dardanos." No…shit, that wasn't right. "Hemera?"

A soft breath escaped Flick. "Ness, stop." His voice was rough, scratchy.

She ignored him. "What's your full name?"

"Zander Damianos Anatolius." That was right. That felt right.

"And his?" She pointed to Flick.

"Flick." No, that wasn't his full name. His full name was…was…"I—I know this."

Ness waited, her expression calm and unaffected, which did nothing to soothe the panic starting to sputter in his chest. When he looked at Flick he knew Flick wasn't his full name. He knew who he was and what role he filled in his life, what role he'd always filled, but…that one piece wasn't falling into place.

"Fuck. I know…oh God, why can't I…"

Flick knelt beside him and reached for his hand. "It's okay. Shh, it's all right."

Zed gripped his fingers tightly. "No, it's not okay. I know your name! Why can't I…why can't…." Fuck! It was…goddamn it, it was…"Felix. Felix."

"Yeah. Felix." Flick's lips curved upward, a brief, brief smile, and he glanced at Nessa before meeting Zed's gaze again. "Felix Ingesson."

"I know that," Zed whispered. "Felix Ingesson. Felix Ingesson." How could he forget? How could he ever forget? "I'm sorry. Damn it, Flick, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay." Flick pulled Zed's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to a knuckle. "Ness is going to take care of you."

"As best I can," she agreed.

"You need to get me off the ship."

Flick's gaze darkened. "No."

"I'm a danger. I almost?—"

"But you didn't. You snapped out of it."

"Fixer…"

"Shut up, Elias," Flick snapped over his shoulder. "We're not abandoning him."

Zed lifted his gaze to Elias's, who hovered near the cabin door with Qek. Elias's expression was strained, lines etched around his eyes and mouth. In contrast, Qek's features were smooth and wrinkle-free, a sign of her concern.

"You need your family," Elias said. "They've got resources?—"

Zed shook his head, panic rising, his breath coming too quick. "No. I don't want them to know."

"Damn it, they could help."

"Or knowing this could ruin—" Zed broke off with a grunt as the hot spike he'd almost gotten used to poked his brain again.

"What about an AEF hospital?" Ness asked.

"No." But why not? The words didn't want to form, but he had to say it, had to explain again because he knew they didn't really understand, they didn't really comprehend how thoroughly he'd been left in the wind. God, his thoughts were a mess. "The AEF cut us loose."

"Yeah. You told us that before. But maybe?—"

"No, they cut us loose. They don't want to treat us. They don't want to help."

Elias pushed away from the wall and took a step forward. "I get what he means. They cut them loose, knowing their time was limited, and if he shows up now, like this, they're just going to help the end come. Am I right?"

Zed heaved out a relieved breath that someone understood. "Yes. That's right."

Ness made a frustrated noise. "But your family?—"

He scrambled to get up, ignoring the protests from the rest of the crew. Clothes, he needed clothes. And his stash of painkillers. He had enough to?—

Fuck. Maybe that was the solution.

"What are you doing?" Flick demanded as Zed searched unsteadily for what he needed.

"Leaving." Where were his pills?

"Okay, no. Wait." Ness blocked his path. "You're not leaving."

The hell he wasn't. He grabbed a pair of pants he found on the floor, unsure if they were his or Flick's until he pulled them on and discovered they fit. "What station are we on?"

"Central," Flick supplied.

Zed paused. "I lived here for a few months."

"Right, after you took the shovel to the head."

"I didn't know he was married at first. I should've asked. Why didn't I ask?" He realized his hands were on the fly of his pants but he couldn't remember if he'd been fastening them or removing them. "What am I doing?"

"If we try to contact your family for you, you'll be gone, won't you?" Elias asked, his voice soft.

Oh, right. That was what he'd been doing. "They can't know. This isn't…I'm not…" Damn it, when had words gotten so hard? "Flick?"

Flick swallowed, wincing at the movement, which reminded Zed all over again what he'd done. "I think he's got a valid worry about his dad. You've never met Alexander Anatolius. He's…intense. In a good way, usually. But if you hurt his family…" He scrubbed a hand over his shorn hair. "I don't know what to do, but I'm not letting you walk off this ship."

Qek clicked. "My solution is still viable."

"No, it's not," Flick countered. "It's too big of a risk. We can't ask you?—"

"You are not asking. I am offering. There is a significant difference."

Zed frowned. Did he have another hole in his memory? What solution? Ness noticed his confusion and laid a gentle hand on his arm. "The ashies experimented with stin poison too. They might know how to mitigate its effects but going to Ashie Prime could cause Qek to gender."

"Oh." Zed blinked, trying to understand the ramifications of that statement. He had a vague recollection of a conversation on Risus about ashie gender—but the details escaped him.

"If you wish to ensure your family does not throw their weight around the galaxy in your defense, this may be your only alternative."

"The potential cost is too high." Flick drew close to Zed, and Zed leaned more heavily into his anchor. God, he was tired. He just wanted to lie down with Flick and forget. Forget everything.

"Zed. Zed!"

He blinked, realizing that he was no longer leaning forward but standing upright, spine stiff. Flick had both hands on his shoulders and he was looking into his eyes, a vertical furrow etched between his brows.

"You back?" he asked softly.

"Where'd I go?" The slight uptick in the pounding in his head answered that question—as did the thoughts that shifted around, as insubstantial as scraps of paper on the wind. "You're Felix Ingesson. Felix Ingesson."

One of Flick's hands left his shoulder to weave their fingers together, the grip tight enough to be painful. "I've got you."

Qek clicked, the sound strangely sad. "I do not think time is on our side."

Silence filled the cabin, time marked only by soft breaths. Finally, Eli nodded. "Qek, set a course for Ashie Prime."

Zed shook his head. "No, Elias?—"

Qek stepped up beside Flick and slipped her hand beneath the one that was already clasping Zed's. "Fixer is my friend. You both came to my rescue on Risus. Because of that, I would attempt to dance with fate." She looked at Zed. "So you may realize yours."