Chapter Thirty

One might say that the Irish are, on the whole, a romantic people. But what we really love in our romances is a good tragedy, and so it seemed fitting that I realized the depths of my feelings now that it was too late.

I held myself together all the way home, a strange sort of preserving numbness stealing over my mind, encapsulating all the thoughts within so tightly that I couldn't turn them over and over as I took the Tube back to Hendon. I didn't even feel the cold.

A neighbor stopped to chat, but I later had almost no recollection of what we talked about. It was as though I was in a daze. It sounds rather dramatic, and I suppose it is. Isn't heartbreak usually?

It was just so stupid of me not to have realized it before now. I supposed it had been obvious for the longest time, but I had been ignoring it. Oh, I'd known that I was attracted to him, that I admired him, valued his opinion, that I trusted him with my life. But I hadn't tied all those elements together into what they clearly were: love.

That he didn't feel the same was patently obvious. He had admitted that he cared about me—otherwise he would not have been so worried about my safety that he dismissed me—but he hadn't cared enough not to say goodbye.

He had let me walk out the door, and he had made it very clear that I wasn't likely to be seeing him again.

And so that was that.

It wasn't until I was back in my flat that that dam burst, and I sank with great heaving sobs upon the sofa.

It was perhaps only half an hour later when there was a tap at the door.

"Ellie?" a voice called. It was Felix.

I didn't really want to see him, not now. But I got up anyway and went to open the door.

He started when he saw my face. "What is it, love? What's happened?"

I tried to pull myself together. I couldn't share this with Felix. But I couldn't stop the tears either.

"Everyone's all right," I said to assure him there had been no sudden deaths or anything so dire. I wiped at my face. "It's just… it's something else…"

He came in, closing the door, and gathered me into his arms, his free hand gently stroking my hair as he murmured soothing noises. "It's all right, Ellie. Whatever it is, it'll be all right."

I pressed my face against his jacket, unable to look up at him. I couldn't tell him. I simply could not tell him I was in love with Major Ramsey. Not now. Not like this.

"It's nothing so very earth-shattering," I said at last. "I'm just rather in a muddle at the moment."

"It seems it must be something pretty important."

I pulled back, wiping at the wet patch on his coat from my tears. "I've got your coat all soggy."

"Don't worry about that, sweet. Why don't we sit down, and you can tell me all about it."

I drew in a shaky breath.

"Or you needn't talk, if you don't want to," he said. "We can just sit. But let me stay with you awhile."

I nodded, sniffed. "I'd like that."

We went over to the sofa. I sat, and Felix sat close, his arm around me. It felt so right to lean on him when I needed comfort. But it felt wrong, too, because my heart was broken over another man. This wasn't fair to Felix. It wasn't fair of me to accept his support when I knew now for certain that I wasn't in love with him.

Another involuntary sob escaped me at the thought.

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong, love?"

I took a handkerchief out of my pocket and realized it was one of the major's that I'd neglected to return to him. I wiped my eyes with it.

"It's silly, really," I said, trying to make my tone light. "Major Ramsey sacked me today. Dismissed me like… like I mean nothing at all."

Felix said nothing. I wondered if he was waiting for me to continue or if he was trying to decide how he should reply. I knew the fact I was no longer working for Major Ramsey would not hurt Felix's feelings in the least. He had never really liked my doing it. His feelings for the major aside, he didn't like the danger it put me in.

"I… the work was important to me. And now I'm at loose ends. I don't even know what I'm going to do next."

"We could get married."

At first, I wasn't sure I had heard him right. I turned to gape at him.

"I know this is sudden," he said. "I don't have a ring. I hadn't really thought this out, to be honest. But I've been known to win big on impulsive gambles, so there you have it."

"I… I…" I felt absolutely frozen. I could not have formulated a sentence at that moment to save my life.

His warm brown eyes searched my face. And then he smiled. It was an easy, comfortable smile. "That's a no if I've ever seen one. All right, then. No harm done. One can't win them all."

"No, Felix," I said quickly, grabbing his arm. "Please don't… it's just that I…"

The weight of all the emotions hit me, and I started to cry again.

He gave a little affectionate laugh but pulled me into his arms, leaning his cheek against the top of my head. "It's all right, love. I usually have much better timing than this. It just occurred to me, and I came out with it. Just put it from your mind. We don't ever have to talk about it again."

"We have to talk about it, Felix." I drew in a steadying breath. "I need to talk to you about… several things."

"You can talk to me about anything, Ellie. You know that."

"Some things are harder than others," I whispered.

"Do you want to tell me?" There was something in the words that caught my attention.

I looked up at him. "Tell you what?"

"Whatever it was that happened between you and Ramsey in Sunderland."

I could feel the heat creeping up my neck, and it was difficult to meet his gaze. "What do you mean?"

"Things haven't been quite the same between us since. You'll forgive me for bringing it up, but you've put a distance between us… physically."

I felt my flush deepen as I struggled to find the right words.

"You can tell me, Ellie," Felix said. "I'm not entitled to ask, of course, but I want you to know you can talk to me."

"I want to talk to you, Felix. It's just… This is different."

He was silent for a moment, and I thought how loud the ticking of my clock seemed.

When he finally spoke, his voice was neutral, careful. "It's none of my business, Ellie, not really. But if he seduced you and then tossed you aside…"

"No," I said quickly. "It wasn't like that."

Felix's voice was still calm, but I could feel the tension in his body now. "No matter how you felt about it, if he took you to bed under the assumption that there was some future for you and then…"

I shook my head against his chest, unable to look up at him. "No. He didn't… we didn't… We've kissed. That's all."

It felt good to admit it. To lay my cards on the table. Beside me, Felix's posture eased, and I felt him let out a breath at the knowledge that I hadn't been cruelly compromised.

Now that the dam had broken, I didn't feel as though I could stop the words. "But I have feelings for him, Felix. I didn't realize until today how strong they were, not until I realized I won't be seeing him again." I forced myself to look up into his face. No matter how hard this was, I had to be honest with him. "I care for you so much, Felix. You're my best friend. But I don't… I can't…"

"I understand," he said, shifting slightly away and taking his cigarette case from his pocket. "After all, the two of you have been engaged in all this top-secret work, and there's something rather sexy about secrets, isn't there?" His tone was light, but there was an edge to the words.

"Felix…"

"I don't blame you, Ellie. If anyone's at fault, it's him. He knows better, but he trifled with you anyway. I worried from the beginning he would turn your head and hurt you in the end."

My instinct was to defend the major, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. Not when Felix was angry and upset.

"I'm sorry," I said, fresh tears welling up. "I wouldn't have hurt you for anything."

He looked over at me and let out a sigh, his expression softening.

"Don't cry, sweet," he said, brushing the tears away with his thumbs. "Like I said, a man can't win them all. I know how to take my losses and shoulder on."

I knew him well enough to know he was crushed, but for my sake, he was putting his own feelings aside for the time being. He was the truest friend I could have asked for, and I felt wretched.

"We'll still be friends, won't we?" I asked, clasping his hand. "I couldn't bear it if you hated me."

He looked into my eyes. "Nothing on this earth would stop me from being your friend, Ellie McDonnell." Quiet settled between us for a moment, as Felix smoked.

And then he said, "I came here to make my own confession to you."

I turned to look at him.

"I'm going away again, and this time it could be months, maybe longer."

I felt a sinking feeling at the idea of losing him.

"Back to Scotland?"

He hesitated. "No. To France."

I gasped, as shocked as if he had slapped me. "Felix, no," I breathed.

"I told you I've been doing some work related to the war effort. Well, an opportunity has come up for me to do more of it in France."

I knew how dangerous the situation was in France. Knew that there was no mercy for spies. And whatever Felix was doing there would be considered espionage by the Nazis. If he was caught, he would be tortured and killed.

All of these thoughts must have flashed across my face, because he reached out and caught my hand. "Don't look like that. It's going to be all right."

"But, Felix. You've done enough for the cause. Your leg…"

"My leg may prove an asset," he said. "Who expects a one-legged spy?"

I was too miserable to even smile at his levity. "Oh, Felix. Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

"I'm afraid not. It's all set. It's been in the works for the past few weeks, in fact, but I was trying to find the right time to tell you."

I wondered suddenly if that was why he had asked me to marry him, because he was worried he wouldn't be back. I had turned down his proposal, and now there was a chance I would never see him again. "I'm scared, Felix."

"You know I'm a lucky fellow, Ellie. You don't have to worry about me."

I would worry about him every second of every day, of course.

"Just promise me you'll make it home, Felix."

He squeezed my hand. "I promise."