Chapter 43

CHAPTER

FORTY-THREE

DANI

“You ready?” Jenny asks, as she steps into my house.

“Almost,” I call from the bathroom. I fix my lipstick and take one more look in the mirror. I look presentable. Practically normal, but with a touch of extra makeup to hide the dark circles under my eyes. Sleep has not been my friend lately.

It’s winter break, so I have way too much time on my hands since school’s out. Dad got Tyler ice skating lessons for Christmas, and he takes him every afternoon, giving me more alone time than I want. Tyler may be a budding hockey player after these lessons, and that would make Chance happy.

Jenny and I are attending Matt and Darcy’s housewarming this evening. Darcy asked me to come, and you can’t say no to her. It’ll be my first time seeing them since the trial. It’s only been a few weeks, but it feels like a lifetime.

After that horrible day, I’ve avoided all things that remind me of the humiliation of those accusations. I asked Courtney about Mr. De cker’s comment, and she admitted the Deckers were paying her, but she would have done it for free anyway. She assured me she worked for me and wasn’t sharing information or anything I said with them. I believe her. It was just part of their charity case and PR clean-up, right?

Courtney got a second deposition scheduled with Pauly Jackson a week after the trial and absolutely shredded him. She counter-sued him for damages, and we received a hefty settlement from him without going to court again. I paid her for her services, insisted she pay the Deckers back, made an anonymous donation to the Reaper’s Foundation, and set the rest aside for Tyler’s education. I refuse to live off his dirty money. There’s no way I can profit from this. I’ve gained so much and lost even more.

At least I’m free of that complication.

But I’m still complicated. I have a kid. I’m not used to the wealthy lifestyle. I’m still a victim in his eyes. I’m a PR nightmare. After the sentencing, I was in all the tabloids, and my picture was even on ESPN. The victim who tried to snag one of America’s most eligible bachelors. All the gossip magazines made me look like a pathetic girl reaching beyond my station. Maybe I was? Either way, I messed up.

Sully Decker’s words float in and out of my dreams. He’s willing to let his family get dragged through the messy press for their happiness. They value family. It’s what Alexander kept saying. Showing. Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted for Tyler and me? A loving family. A family with Xander. But best to keep that where it belongs, in my dreams.

I’ve considered calling Alexander and started dozens of texts, but never followed through. What do I say? I’m sorry isn’t enough to fix the damage I’ve inflicted. Now it’s been six weeks since I asked him to leave, and it’s just awkward. Too much time has passed. Has he moved on? He hasn’t reached out to me, but then again, he isn’t the one who needs to apologize this time. I’m the one who said hurtful things to him. I’m the one who didn’t trust him enough to take him at his word. I’m the one who broke his heart.

And here I am, going to a housewarming for a mutual friend because I can’t say no, and my best friend is now part of that circle. Jenny and Luis are officially a couple, and both are head over heels. They’re perfect for each other and I’m so happy for them. And Luis has become a good friend to me and a fabulous room tio , just like he promised. My class loves him.

I grab my coat and black Kate Spade bag and meet Jenny and Luis in the foyer. I open my purse to add my lipstick and notice a piece of paper tucked in there. The one from Tripp. In the chaos and emotion of the day, I forgot about it. Now isn’t the time.

Jenny pulls me out of my thoughts. Focus. Get through tonight. Note later.

“You look,” Jenny hesitates, “cute.”

“What, is this not okay?” I look down at my long black sweater and black jeans. My black booties have a slight heel. And I have my nice black purse I never use. It matches. I’ve dressed for my mood. Or a funeral. Which could be interchangeable.

“You always look great,” Luis says diplomatically.

I quirk my eyebrow. “Always?”

He gives me a shrug and a smile. Since Luis has become a regular visitor, he’s seen me in holey shirts, worn pajama bottoms, and mismatched socks. I’ve been a bit of a hot mess lately. But it’s the new year, so I’m striving to up my game, and I thought I had today. But apparently not.

“I didn’t know you owned so much black,” Jenny says. “But you look great. If you feel comfortable, then let’s go.”

I think about changing, but I don’t. I’m tired of trying to act like I’m okay. I’m not. I mean, I’m functional. I’m just different. I’m not sunshine anymore. I’ve embraced the darkness.

Darcy and Matt’s house isn’t that far from mine. It’s in an older, more historic, and therefore, more expensive neighborhood. The homes are charming craftsmen style with manicured yards, some still displaying tasteful Christmas decorations.

I clutch my purse during the short drive and I can’t help but think about the note. Should I read the long-forgotten message now? Certainly, it can’t be anything of significance, right? Just a hang-in-there kind of encouragement. I take it out and hold it in my hand. Okay, you can do this. Face your fears now because it’s likely your biggest fear will be at this party. I don’t know how to face him or keep myself from running into his arms and begging for forgiveness. How to smile and pretend I don’t care if he’s not there or, worse yet, with someone else.

I unfold it and immediately recognize the stationery. It reminds me of the note I left on Xander’s desk the night of our first kiss. I wrote a quote from Pretty Woman , one of my favorite movies. He gave her a dream world, and come to think of it, I was living a little of that story, minus the prostitution part. Of course, after the trial, a few of the tabloids alluded to that, too. My note to him read, In case I forget to tell you, I had a great time tonight. I sealed it with a kiss. I faced my fears then. I can do it again tonight.

We pull into the driveway of a larger home, and it’s lit up from the inside. Several luxury cars are parked along the street, and a few more are ahead of us in the driveway. There’s a high privacy fence surrounding the wooded backyard. It looks like a perfect house to start a family. I’m so happy for Darcy and Matt. They’re the sweetest young couple.

Before I get out of the car, I take a deep breath and unfold the note. Alexander’s handwriting makes my heart shatter before I even read the words. I’ve been such a fool. He wanted us to meet clandestinely after the trial, listing a time and place. Now he thinks I stood him up on top of everything else. I assume it’s another reason he hasn’t contacted me. I ghosted him. I feel sick, nauseous, and this isn’t a stomach bug. It’s a consequence of my prideful ind ependence. Why did I push him away when all I wanted was to run into his arms? I’m an idiot.

But now is not the time. Now is the time to smile and be happy for others. When I get home tonight, I’ll let myself cry. I take a deep breath and plaster on my best fake-it-’til-you-make-it smile. It’s time to celebrate with Darcy and Matt. Rainbows from storm clouds, I remind myself. My assault was the catalyst for Matt’s call up to the Reapers, and that’s an absolute rainbow. Remembering makes my smile a little more authentic.

Luis opens the car door for Jenny and me. As I get out of the back seat, I take in my surroundings. This gorgeous house screams happy family. From the welcoming front porch with the cozy swing to the colorful pansies that fill the planters. It’s perfect, and I can see Darcy’s touch from here. Focus on her and the beauty she creates. That shouldn’t be hard.

Darcy greets us at the front door. Her smile fills her face, and she hugs me tightly. She looks like something from the runway, but is still casual and effortless. I don’t know how she does it, but she’s always got a style that slays.

She gives Jenny and Luis a quick hi, and they quickly disappear into the house, leaving me on the porch. Way to be my wingman, Jenny.

“I’m so glad you came! I’ve missed you.” She steps back and looks at me from head to toe, another disapproving eye.

“This place is amazing.” Awkward level just hit a ten. I should have insisted on driving myself so I could bail early, but Luis wouldn’t hear of it. He gave me some bullshit line about climate change and saving the planet. I didn’t have the energy to argue, and here I am.

She looks around, admiring her surroundings, almost like she doesn’t live here and see it all the time. “It is, isn’t it? I had fun getting it ready,” she says. “It still needs a few finishing touches, but it’s livable.”

“Hank, get back here!” Matt calls as a rolly-polly English Bulldog puppy charges toward me. I reach down and scoop him up. A light brown spot covers one eye, giving him an abundance of character. His tongue lolls out of his mouth, his cuteness factor going off the charts. Bulldogs are the most adorable puppies, and I may want to steal this one and not give him back. It reminds me of the first time I met Courtney, and Joe and Mickey helped buffer the awkwardness. I’ll take this buffer every day.

“This must be Hank?” I ask. I snuggle with the adorable dog, rubbing his face against mine, when his sandpaper tongue licks my cheek. He puts my sour mood on a temporary hiatus, and I allow the joy to pour into my heart. It hurts just a little less now.

“Yeah, Hank Aaron,” Matt says as he stands beside Darcy. He kisses her on the top of the head, and you can practically see the love aura surround them. “Come on in, Dani. We’re glad you’re here.” Matt motions for me to come in and takes my coat and purse.

“Most everyone is out back. We’ve got lots of heaters and the fire pit going. Why don’t you let Darcy show you around, and you can join us when you’re done,” he says. He gives her a wink and heads to the back of the house with my coat.

Hank squirms. “Is it okay if I put him down?”

“Sure, it’s his house.” I put him on the floor, and he runs a quick circle around me and then plops down on my feet, exhausted from the sudden burst of energy. He hasn’t quite grown into his skin, and his feet are too big for his body. His entire backside wiggles, and I can’t help but smile and think how much Tyler would love him.

I take a minute to look around the house after we leave the welcoming entryway. It’s homey, comfortable. The front room has a large sectional facing a fireplace, the gas logs burning bright. The massive TV is above the mantel, paused in the middle of a game, as if someone rushed out, with the controllers thrown on the ottoman. The video game systems are all neatly stacked on the bookshelves, which are pretty bare except for some empty frames, like they're waiting for future memories. It’s a little more minimal than I would have thought for Darcy, but the multiple gaming systems for Matt tracks. She said it wasn’t quite finished. It’s probably those little details that take more thought and time.

“This is gorgeous. I love the colors.” The walls are dark grey, but the accent chairs and pillows add a pop of color. It’s dramatic and fun, both eye-catching and balanced. It’s similar to what she did in my classroom. The darkness and the light.

I step in and run my hand along the back of the sofa, the soft fibers confirming its luxury fabric. It reminds me of the sofa in Xander’s penthouse. That is the most comfortable piece of furniture I’ve ever seen. Yes, this house is comfy but expensive.

“Oh, I’m so glad. Wait until you see the kitchen. It’s a dream.” We walk deeper into the house to the gorgeous kitchen. A swear jar sits on the counter and a sense of pride blooms when I think of what I started. Matt must be working on his language too.

I see people laughing and enjoying themselves outside through the large window in the backyard. I wonder if he’s out there. I've got butterflies thinking about seeing him.

“This is amazing, Darcy.” Someday I’d love to get her help with my house. Looking around, I feel we have similar tastes. She’s just a lot more high-end.

“It is. It’s absolutely perfect.”

I feel a tug at my ankle and look down to see Hank biting at the cuff of my jeans. I reach down and pick him up again. I scratch him behind his ears, and he looks at me with big puppy dog eyes, and I melt.

“Looks like you’ve made a friend.” I tense, frozen in place at the sound of the deep voice behind me. The voice that haunts my dreams. Hank is climbing over my shoulder to get to him.

“I think Matt needs me.” Darcy excuses herself. “Good luck,” she says, although I’m not sure which one of us she’s talking to.

“Hi, sunshine.” His voice sounds a little different, his usual confidence and swagger missing.

I slowly turn and look up into those deep blue eyes, made bluer by the sweater he’s wearing. He looks good. Real good. A hesitant smile graces his face. He licks his lips like he’s nervous and wants to say something, but bites his bottom lip to stop himself. I want to put those lips to mine, taste him, but that’s not my place anymore.

Hank squirms on my shoulder, breaking our stare down and drawing my attention away from Alexander.

“Hank, stop.” There’s no hesitancy in Alexander’s voice now and the dog obeys the command. “Here, I’ll take him.”

He reaches for Hank, and I instinctively lean in until I remember he wants the dog. He puts him down on the floor and says, “Go to your bed.” The dog looks up at him, turns, and wobbles down the hall while we both watch him walk away.

He clears his throat, the silence a chasm between us. After a few seconds that feel like hours, he takes a deep breath, and he gives me a nervous smile. “How have you been? Tyler?” His voice brings me back to focus. This smile, the one I’ve only seen him use around me, warms me from the inside out. He looks at me like he’s unsure of my response.

What do I say? Is this where I break down and tell him I’m miserable without him? I need to keep it simple. Not complicated, even if I am.

“Good, we’re good. Winter break’s almost over, so we’re back to school soon.” I can’t believe we’re doing small talk, but at least he’s not mad. We’re awkward, but that’s on me. He seems hesitant with me, but pretty comfortable in these surroundings. “You?”

“I’ve been busy. Lots of things to get ready for this new season.” He runs his hands through his hair, something he does when he’s frustrated, but tousled haired Alexander is one of my favorite looks. He rushes to say what’s been weighing on his mind. “Listen, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. It absolutely gutted me. But Jack said it was best for you and, fuck.” He shakes his head. “Fudge, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I know you felt alone and abandoned, but...” He looks like he coul d cry, his pain and regret visible on his face. This is so unexpected, I'm shocked.

“Stop. Stop right there.” I put my hand up to touch his chest, remember he’s not mine to touch, and slowly drop it to my side. I take a deep breath. “I wasn’t alone. You sent your family. I was the one who withdrew. I’m the one who screwed up and didn’t tell you, didn’t trust you. That’s all on me. And it’s me who needs to apologize to you. I was overwhelmed, self-conscious of our differences, and too self-reliant. So I’m sorry. And besides, I need to thank you. Courtney was a lifesaver. I was in way over my head. I’m terrified to think about where I’d be without her. So thank you.”

He shakes his head at me like he disagrees. “Of course. You should have never been in that situation.”

“But I was. And it’s over now. And look at the blessings. I wouldn’t have met you and your amazing friends. Your generous donations wouldn’t have blessed our school. Darcy and her amazing talent wouldn’t have brightened my room for my students and me. Jenny would have never met Luis. It was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Rainbows from storm clouds.” As much as it was a horrible experience, I mean it. It was the catalyst for meeting some amazing people. I put my half-full spin on it.

I consider apologizing for not meeting him. I can tell him I just found his note. But why bring that up? It’s probably best he thinks I didn’t want to meet him. It makes it easier to pretend I don’t want us together. It would never work. I’m still complicated. He’s still complex.

He processes what I said, mumbling “storm clouds and rainbows” under his breath. His look shifts from upset to resolve. I know this look. It’s his determined, take-action look. He’s made a decision about something. Probably grateful he’s not with complicated anymore.

“Speaking of Darcy, what do you think of the house?” His question takes our conversation in an unexpected direction .

“It’s great. She did an amazing job.” I reach out and run my hand over the countertop.

“She did, didn’t she? That girl is talented and so damn sweet. Hard to believe she’s related to Cole.” He laughs at his joke. He gives Cole a hard time, but I know he secretly likes the guy. “Let me finish giving you the tour.” He reaches out and takes my hand, this time without hesitation. The connection is like a spark to my heart, warmth spreading through my veins. It feels natural. Right.

“The owner’s suite is upstairs,” he says as he points to stairs and pulls me down a hallway. His excitement about this house is unexpected. Or maybe it’s just part of this awkward encounter. I’m not sure. “It’s like its own oasis, with a separate sitting area and huge bath.”

“Come on,” He’s acting like a child on Christmas morning, ready to show off all his toys. Only this isn’t his to be excited about. It’s confusing, yet I’m curious about why it excites him, so I follow.

Hank greets us again, gives a high-pitched puppy bark, and Alexander shakes his head at him. He points to the fireplace, where I notice the dog bed and realize that’s where he’s supposed to be. Those big eyes look at Alexander pleading to be part of the tour. Alexander exhales loudly, and says, “Come on, Hank, let’s show her the rest.”

He leads me down another hall. “Guest bedroom,” he says. I barely have time to peek in because he pulls me deeper down the hall. “Another bedroom, laundry room, bathroom.” He stops in front of a closed door and looks at me with an intensity of a thousand suns. I wish I could read his mind because I’m beyond confused.

He opens the door to another large bedroom, and I’m baffled. It’s decorated in Reapers’ colors. Signed team posters line the walls and a twin bed is placed off to one side in the corner. A child-size desk sits by the window, next to a low bookshelf filled with childre n’s books. Why would Matt and Darcy have a child’s bedroom in their house?

“I don’t,” I stutter. “I don’t understand.”

Hank plops next to Alexander, his legs sliding out from under him. He lets out an audible sigh. We both look down at him and snicker.

“What don’t you understand, sunshine?” He cups my face, his thumb brushes against my bottom lip, his eyes gaze into mine. “I love you. I love you so fucking much. This is ours. When you’re ready, that is. Tomorrow, next month, next year. It’s a home for us, our family. You, me, Tyler. Because sunshine, that’s what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted, and I’m sorry, but I’m tired of waiting.”

Do I understand him correctly? This isn’t Matt and Darcy’s house? He bought a house for us? He’s been working on this for how long? The entire time we’ve been apart? Maybe before? A house isn’t an overnight thing you can pick up at Target. It takes time.

It sinks in. He still wants me. Wants us. He wants complicated.

“What did I tell you about apologizing?” I tease. His lips turn into a slight smile at the reprimand.

I reach out and wrap my hand around his neck, pulling him down. Our lips meet, our mouths devour one another, our souls connect, and my body returns to life. I could kiss this man for the rest of eternity. Is that what he’s asking?

I push him slightly to break our kiss because he’s taken my breath away. “Are you sure? Won’t you miss walking to work?” I can’t believe he’d give up his fantastic penthouse for a house with a yard. Does this urban bachelor want to be a suburban dad?

“Sunshine, I want to wake up with you so much more.” Hard to believe he wants to wake up with me every morning and live the chaotic domestic life.

It’s time to take down the last barrier around my heart and surrender to what I’ve known for months, but was too afraid to admit to myself. I put my hands on his cheeks and make sure his eyes look into mine. I need him to understand precisely how much saying these words means to me. “I love you, Alexander Decker. So fucking much.” I repeat his words back to him. It’s worth a hundred dollars in the swear jar. Hell, it’s worth all the money I have, and I say it again. “So fucking much.”

He gazes into my soul, grasps my message, and a literal twinkle shines in his eye. He gets it. I’m saying yes. Yes to him. Yes to us. Yes to family.

Our lips meet, our hands frantic, exploring, touching. I need to feel skin against skin. With that thought, I think we need to be upstairs. I’m not doing this in Tyler’s room and move us toward the door.

He must read my mind or body language. Frankly, I’m practically climbing him like a tree, so it’s easy to interpret. He kisses me behind my ear, sending chills down my spine. “As much as I’d love to christen this house, and oh baby, we’re going to christen this house, we have guests here.” He kisses me again, this time more chastely, and when I try to deepen it, he growls in the back of his throat, heating my core. I miss the sounds he makes. Sounds that make me feel desirable. Sounds that remind me he’s insatiable. “Now that I think about it, that may have been the one flaw in Team True Love’s plan,” he murmurs against my lips.

“Team True Love? What’s that?”

A chuckle reverberates through his chest. “My family. They’ve been pretty helpful when it comes to you and grand gestures. Darcy knew you’d come to her party.” He rolls his eyes, but a genuine smile fills his face. I can’t wait to hear this story. He runs his fingers through my curls, relishing my thoroughly kissed look. No reason to hide it now. I’m smiling too. “Come on, let’s say hello and goodbye and send them home.”

“I like that plan. I like all your plans.” I kiss him again, melting into him. I don’t want to let him go .

He picks me up and spins me around. “I was hoping you would say that. Because sunshine, do I have plans.” His grin warms me from the inside out. He whispers into my ear. “Once they're gone, I’m going to get you out of this.” He pulls at my sweater and scowls. “Because sunshine, black is, most definitely, not your color.”

That’s a plan I can live with.