Chapter 22

Traze rolled over silently in his bed, his back turned to Veda just as she had hers turned to him.

He wasn't even sure what happened. Just yesterday, Veda was happy to spend time with him, happy to kiss him… Now she couldn't even sleep under the same shelter as him? Not even when it was the most beneficial thing for her and would keep her warm all night long?

He was hurt but didn't want to say that to Veda, so instead he swallowed his feelings as he lay next to her. Batair was on the other side of Veda, and that fact at least comforted Traze. Between Batair and him, she would be protected.

No matter how frustrated Traze was with her, he would always care about whether she was kept safe. She was his kode. Even if she never wanted him, he would protect her for all of his days.

She truly was frustrating him, though. In this way, it was difficult for Traze to have a human kode. They did not operate in the same way Ateran women did. Veda clearly had complicated emotions, more than Traze could understand.

He wished desperately that she could just feel the same way he did, that her emotions were not so fickle. He wanted her to love him as he loved her, without question and without selfishness.

Though that wasn't entirely true. Was it? He had been selfish. He had put his desire to be a good leader over his love for her. He wished he could take all of that back. Maybe then, Veda's feelings for him would be simpler. Perhaps if he had shown his love from the beginning, she would have loved him in return.

"You're breathing too loud," Veda muttered.

Traze scoffed. "I am breathing too loud? You know I must breathe while I sleep. Right? If I do not, I will die, as would you, I presume."

"Yeah, but you don't need to do it so damn loud!" Veda snapped.

Batair whined next to her, clearly not enjoying the arguing between them.

"I'm sorry, Batair," Veda said softly. "It's just that your owner is really frustrating me."

Traze flipped around to face her. "And why? Why am I frustrating you so deeply? What have I done except try to protect you and care for you in any way that I can?"

"That is exactly the problem!" Veda turned around too, putting her back to Batair. "Do you know how frustrating it is to be followed around every second of every day? I'm an adult, Traze! I don't need you watching me constantly. Can you just cut me a break?"

"I do not wish you to annoy you, Veda! I am trying to make sure you are safe and happy."

"But why do you care so much?" She threw her hands up in the air. "It's obvious to me that the other Ateran warriors don't watch me like a hawk, just you! Why are you so concerned with my wellbeing when nobody else is?"

Because she was his kode, of course. He wanted to explain that to her, but this hardly seemed like the right time.

"You had no problem with me watching you yesterday as we shared intimacy in the pond," Traze pointed out to her.

Veda's face flushed red. "Well, I was just caught up in enjoying my time with you. That's all."

"Right, I see, because it is so easy for human women to enjoy time with many men and then toss them aside. Correct?"

Veda gasped. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Traze regretted what he said immediately. "Nothing." He tried to take it back.

"No, no, I'm pretty sure you just called me a tramp." She shook her head at him.

"What is a tramp?" Traze didn't get the reference.

"A tramp is a woman who sleeps with a lot of men. A woman with… loose morals."

"I was not trying to say that of you."

"But you did! You judge me because, what, the first man I met wasn't my forever mate? Well, sorry, Traze! But it doesn't work like that on Earth! You think I wouldn't rather be an Ateran and just know that when I love someone, it's forever? That's such a low blow to make when I've told you how badly I wish to be loved by someone instantly. I've craved that love that ever since I was a child because that instant love is what your parents are supposed to provide for you. Mine didn't… And now you're using that fact against me? You want to use it to hurt me?"

No, that wasn't what Traze wanted to do at all, and he greatly regretted his choice of words as he saw tears fill Veda's eyes.

Without asking, he pulled her in close, and she cried on his shoulder for a bit.

"I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry, Veda. I should not have said it. It was not right. I do not wish to hurt you. Please don't cry."

She wiped her tears but stayed in his arms.

"I wish I could have what you Aterans get to have, Traze. I wish I could be someone's kode. I wish I felt deserving of the kind of love you Aterans give so freely." She started crying again.

Traze rubbed her back softly and ran his fingers through her red hair.

"Come, come. Lie down with me, Veda. You need to rest."

She did lie down with him for a moment, but then she quickly pulled away.

"No, see, I can't. I can't do this with you. I'm sorry."

"But why not?" Traze could not understand. "You seemed to enjoy the time spent with me yesterday. Why do you now not want to be with me?"

"I do want to be with you. That's the problem. You just don't get how it is for humans. We fall in love slowly. And every day, I'm falling more in love with you. But I can't have you. Can I? You're not mine. And the more time I spend with you, the more it's going to hurt when I have to pull away, which I'm inevitably going to have to do. So please just respect that this is hard for me, and… let me distance myself from you."

Traze finally understood what Veda was doing. She hadn't changed her mind about him. She did not have fickle feelings. She was simply afraid to get closer to him because she did not know she was his kode.

It broke Traze's heart that he was responsible for her feeling this way. Had he been brave enough to be honest before, this would not have happened.

He ran his hands through Veda's hair. "I have something to tell you… Something I should have told you long ago."

She looked up at him. "What?"

He took in a steady breath. "Veda… You do not have to fear getting close to me." He tried to will himself to say it, but the words wouldn't come.

"Why? Why not?"

"Because… because you are my kode."

Her mouth dropped. "But… no, that can't be. Because… because if I was your kode… You would have known it as soon as you met me. So… please don't lie to me just to make me feel better or just because you want me to be your kode. This isn't something we can force."

"I'm not forcing anything, Veda. You are mine. You are my kode, and I did know it. I knew it before you even awoke from your coma."

She looked at him, wide-eyed. "You… You did?"

"Of course. It was why I was in the healing sands with you when you awoke. I was checking on you. It was one of the hardest times of my life, to love you so deeply and to worry that I may not ever get to meet you. When you awoke, it was the greatest relief of my life… And also my greatest worry."

Her face lit up for a moment and then contorted in confusion. "But why would it be your greatest worry?"

"Because… because my tribe was suffering. The healing sands were depleting, and I had a duty to my tribe to do everything I could to fix things. That's what I tried to do. I was being the best leader I could, but I could not be distracted by you and also be the best leader."

"I see. So that was what you saw me as… a distraction," she said bitterly.

"You're mad," Traze observed.

"I'm… I'm just hurt. The way everyone else described it, when you Aterans meet your kode, it's this magical moment where you fall instantly in love and you spend all of your days happy together. But by the time I awoke from my coma, I was just… a disappointment to you."

"No, no, it wasn't like that. I mean, I loved you, Veda. Of course I loved you."

"But you didn't tell me the truth. You didn't come clean and let me know how you felt about me, who I was to you."

"I was going to tell you eventually, and I admit I made a mistake by not announcing it immediately. I only wanted to have a little more time to figure out what was going on with the healing sands."

"But it never occurred to you that I could have helped with that? I mean, I have helped with that. You've noticed that. Right?"

"Of course I have! And I am forever grateful to you!" Traze took Veda's hand, but she jerked it back.

"But even after I discovered that injecting the healing sands was more effective than soaking in them, even after your problems were solved, you still didn't tell me who I was to you. I don't get you, Traze. You can sit here and believe in fate and that the Goddess Eana brought me to you, but you don't trust that fate? You don't trust that maybe being with me is the right thing? Maybe I'm good for you, and I'm what helps you to save the Living Sands? Do you not trust your goddess, or do you not trust me?"

That stung. Traze looked down in embarrassment.

She was right, of course. If he had truly trusted in Eana's gift, he would've learned that Veda was actually key to his becoming the best leader he could be. Without her, he may have never solved the dilemma of the healing sands. If he continued to deny her as his kode, he would've doomed his entire tribe. He should have trusted in her the moment she arrived.

"I am sorry, Veda. I know I have failed you. I only hope you can forgive me for my shortcomings. But I care for you so deeply, more than I've cared for anyone, even more than I care for my tribe."

But Veda did not want to hear it. She rolled over in her makeshift bed.

"I'm going to sleep."

Traze could not argue with her further. If she did not want to hear it, he would be quiet.

"Okay… Goodnight, Veda."

Veda said nothing.

Traze could hardly sleep, not even after he knew Veda had fallen into a deep slumber. He worried he had irreparably damaged his relationship with Veda. Perhaps he could not reestablish it.

And if he could not fix their relationship, it would be what he deserved for not trusting in Eana. She had sent him the greatest gift he ever received, and he shunned it. He hated himself for it.

Sometime in the night, he noticed Veda beginning to shiver. Despite her frustration with him, he could not let her remain cold.

He got behind her and wrapped his large arms around her, sharing his body warmth to the best of his ability. In her sleepy haze, she wrapped her hand around one of his arms. Her chills began to calm, and Traze could feel her soft breaths against his arm.

This was what he wanted. For all of his days. He didn't care about anything else but keeping Veda as his own. He would never sleep without her again would never leave her side.

He vowed that during this expedition, he would win her over. He would fix this.