35. Memphis

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

memphis

H oly fucking shit.

I already couldn’t breathe under the weight of his arm.

Adding the weight of those words was like an anchor on my chest.

I’d spent half my life reading smut. Fictional boyfriends said shit like that every other page. I never would’ve imagined in a million years that real men said such ridiculously dirty, over-the-top nonsense. I always assumed if I were in a position to hear something like that in real life, I would’ve laughed like a lunatic. Though now that it was actually happening, all I could do was close my eyes and lean my head back against Utah’s chest to let his filthy words drive me forward. His hand was so fucking big that I added my other hand on top of his just to be able to move his hand for him until his fingers were rubbing tiny circles on my clit. It wasn’t even close to enough. I was trying to move my hips into his hand harder almost immediately.

He was somehow everywhere, though. He was everything. I could feel his heart beating against my back. His labored breathing was directly in my ear. Every muscle in his body was tense with the amount of restraint it took him to just let me do this myself. I hadn’t even noticed that I’d moved both my legs so they were draped over each of his thighs, spreading myself nearly as wide as my hips would allow.

I was so fucking frustrated, though. I tried moving his hand back and forth, up and down, then went back to circling. It took no time at all when I did this alone, but I couldn’t make it happen with his hand.

“Utah,” I whined while I squirmed. “Can you?—”

“I absolutely fucking can,” he interrupted in a heartbeat. His hand broke free from mine the next second and came up to my mouth.

“Open,” he growled into my ear, sending goosebumps up all over my body. He tightened the arm that was around my chest until I opened my mouth, and he pushed his middle and ring fingers right down the middle of my tongue until I nearly gagged.

“Suck on them, Memphis,” he whispered against the side of my head. “Soak them.”

I realized I hadn’t actually done anything up to that point, aside from sit there with my fucking mouth open. I closed my lips on his fingers and sucked until I could feel my cheeks hollow out. I swirled my tongue over every inch of his skin that I could find. And he let out this tiny, pained exhale every time my tongue stud brushed across his fingers. I couldn’t even fathom why my heart was beating out of control by the time he’d slid his fingers back out of my mouth. He didn’t waste any time getting his very wet fingers back on my clit, and the contact had me arching my back in a matter of seconds. Both my hands moved to his thighs to dig my fingers into them, like I was afraid I might fall if I didn’t hold on with all the strength in my hands. I noticed the pressure on my chest lessened, but I didn’t realize why until his thumb from that hand was moving back and forth over my nipple and its piercing. I was still trying to grind my hips harder into his hand.

“Do you want more?” he whispered.

“Yes.” The word came out faster than I meant for it to. My brain hadn’t even had a whole second to process what he was really asking before my mouth decided for us. The flash of lightning through the sky the next moment let me watch while his palm dragged across my clit as two of his fingers disappeared inside me. My hands flew to hold onto the arm that was still on my chest while I watched his hand move.

“Breathe, Memphis.”

I sucked in a much-needed breath with his reminder and closed my eyes.

“Focus on me, angel. Only me. My hands. My fingers. My voice.”

His hand left my breasts and landed on the side of my face to turn my head until I was looking at him over my shoulder again.

“Me,” he whispered and kissed me.

I don’t know why he bothered. I wasn’t in control of anything my mouth was doing then. I couldn’t have kissed him back if I’d had a gun to my head. His hand was somehow both torturing me and setting me free. It had every nerve ending in my body firing signals at my brain at the same time from all directions. And staying in control of my brain was something I usually took an awful lot of fucking pride in.

“Utah,” I gasped out of nowhere, to even my own surprise. “I’m—I’ —”

So, my brain wasn’t even capable of communicating with my mouth anymore?

“You’re going to come for me, Memphis.” The deep rumble in his voice right in my ear made me fucking whimper. “You’re going to come for me now.”

He wasn’t wrong.

I did.

And I think I went blind for a few seconds.

Or maybe I still just had my eyes closed.

Utah pulled the blanket back up over me and locked his arms around my body before he kissed the side of my head.

“I think I like stargazing,” I said just before another deafening blast from the thunder made my entire body jolt. I looked up to realize that I couldn’t actually see the stars anymore through the clouds. Utah laughed and squeezed me.

“Just not being outside to do it?”

Tiny drops of water on my face opened my eyes to more lightning, and then another slight second of panic ripped through me at the sound of more thunder.

“We should go,” Utah said.

It might have been the most disappointing moment of my life when he lifted his arms off me. I enjoyed every second of what he’d just done. Wouldn’t have done that shit any differently. Wouldn’t take it back or change it for anything. I hadn’t spent a single second of that time afraid of him. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that he wouldn’t stop if I told him he was hurting me, or even if I just didn’t want him to keep going.

He leaned forward to sit us both upright a little more and started to reach for my clothes which had been tossed to the other side of the truck bed. I moved away from him just to turn back to face him, and I climbed right into his lap to lace my fingers behind his neck as the rain picked up. He smiled and his hands landed on my hips. Those hands ventured around my lower back and moved up to my shoulder blades to pull me into his chest so he could kiss me, but he stopped rather suddenly and pulled away.

“We don’t have to do this right now, angel.”

“Earlier you made it sound like we could do anything I wanted, Utah. Is that not the case anymore?”

He smirked. “Anything you want, Memphis.”

“Feels like maybe you want it, too,” I teased and shifted my hips just a little to drag myself across the very thick erection beneath me.

“There’s really no maybe about that.”

I tried to readjust myself in his lap to position him where I could just lower myself onto his dick, but every time I got to the point where I just barely had the tip in, I couldn’t force myself to move. Nothing about my brain would let it happen. Which upset me enough to get me to raise off of him completely and try it again, just to find myself frozen in the same fucking position.

“Memphis.”

I ignored him and tried another time.

“Memphis,” Utah said again, but in a tone forceful enough to make me actually look at him. “Calm down, sugar. It’s fine. It’s about to storm. You’re about to be stuck out here in a downpour with all the bugs in Indiana. This doesn’t have to happen tonight.”

I leaned down to kiss him, but when he tried to pull back that time, I held him in place and pushed his lips apart with my tongue to kiss him deeper, harder. I gave up trying to make myself take him and started grinding my hips against his stomach instead until he groaned into my mouth. I stopped kissing him and moved my hands to the sides of his face.

“Will you do it?” I asked.

I wanted it. I wanted him. I wanted him to be the one to do this for me. I needed it to happen. If there was ever another person who could take the fear of this away from me, I knew with every fiber of my being that it would be Utah. I’d absolutely convinced myself that getting through the panic about it the first time would make it easier any other time after. Especially, if it was still with this giant who was part asshole and part the kindest man I’d ever encountered.

“Memphis, I don’t think?—”

“ Anything I want ,” I repeated and kissed him quickly another time. “Please, Utah.”

A startled squeak came out of me when he put an arm all the way around my lower back and raised us both right up while he got onto his knees. I wrapped my legs around his waist, apparently instinctively, because it just fucking happened without me having to choose to do it. I held on around his neck while he lowered me back down beneath him. He moved the arm from underneath me to place his hand on the side of my face and kiss me another time. His body blocked most of the rain from falling on me directly, but we were both still soaked in no time. When he stopped kissing me, his hand ran down the front of my neck, between my breasts, until he had his dick in his hand to get the tip into me another time. I closed my eyes, and both my hands went to his sides to dig in with my nails in a moment of panic, just like I’d done the first fucking time.

My heart was beating in my throat, and I could hear the blood rushing through every vein and artery in my body. It was deafening. It dulled and numbed everything around me until I was right back to just the memories of how this went. It’d been years since I could remember the details of what used to happen. I’d always assumed it was some sort of coping mechanism. I only experienced it in nightmares now, when my brain wasn’t in charge and my terror was. Even the nightmares didn’t necessarily bring back the details, but faceless bodies on top of me were always present. And there was always pain. So much pain.

I could feel Utah lower his body down closer to mine, but he was doing everything in his power not to move his hips.

“Eyes open, angel,” he whispered beside my head and just barely raised up again. “Keep them on me.” He was quiet again until I actually managed to get my eyes open. He pushed in just a little more and stopped again when my eyes snapped shut and my grip on his sides tightened.

“Open your eyes, Memphis. Let me take over every sense you have. I want to be the only thing you can feel, the only thing you can see.”

He leaned down again and wiped some of the water from my face before he kissed my forehead.

“I won’t leave any space for whatever haunts you, if you can focus on just me right now,” he said and pressed his mouth to mine for just a few seconds before he rocked his hips a little harder. “Taste me. Look at me. Give this moment to me and I’ll replace all the bad, sugar. Feel me. Just me.”

He pushed the rest of the way into me, and a shaky sigh came out of me when my back arched. It definitely hurt, but not because he was being violent about anything. Because he was fucking ginormous.

“My fucking God,” I managed to breathe out.

“God’s not here, angel. That’s all me. And whether you’re about to be saved or damned, it’ll be at my hands. So, you and only you, can call me Colt.”

That glued my eyes to him.

Salvation.

Damnation.

Whatever he was offering, I wanted it. All of it.

Even with the stretching and stinging sensation from how big he was, I hadn’t felt this alive in years.

He moved his hips in little pulses at first. I imagined his intent was to give me a minute to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I ran my hands from the death grip I’d kept on his sides up across his ribs, under his lats, and then across his chest before I drove my fingers through the hair on the back of his head. Everything in my own body seemed to tighten after touching so much of him. Every muscle that corded through his body was flexed and solid with how much effort he was putting into holding back on my behalf. He lowered himself down to kiss me through the first time that he pulled all the way back out, just to ease in all the way to the hilt again. I had to move my mouth away from his to let the sigh escape with that movement, but I tightened my hold around his neck to keep him there on top of me as close as I could get him. He was still using the one hand directly beside my head to hold himself up, so he wasn’t crushing me, but his other hand came up to my face again.

“Don’t let anything take this from you,” he whispered. “This is you and me, angel. Only you and me.”

I dragged my nails across his scalp. “Will you go slow?”

His smile took my heart rate to what I imagined was a very dangerous level.

“I will do anything and everything you tell me to, baby.”