19. Utah

CHAPTER NINETEEN

utah

I couldn’t prevent the smile that overtook my entire face when Memphis came rushing into her own room right after us while we carried her books inside. I did feel a little guilty that I’d gone through her entire house. I just thought I might find something of that first life she imagined she would miss if she really thought about or remembered it. I hoped I could give her a small piece of it back, but there was nothing. I didn’t find any trace of a family in that house. That left me with almost as many questions about that part of her world as I had about her taste in literature. It took an awful lot of willpower to keep myself in check and only pack them away rather than stopping to try to read several of the more questionable titles.

I watched her fingers drag along the edge of one of the totes as Kyle dropped the last one just inside her door and turned to leave.

“This was really sweet of you,” she said quietly, still without looking at me. “Even if it is also wildly embarrassing and part of me kind of wishes it never happened. Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Montana tried to carve me like a pumpkin, while you two argued about what I was supposed to be doing as I was doing it. I’m still pretty pissed.”

She stopped to smile right at me.

And it dissolved every bit of that pissy feeling I was trying desperately to hold onto.

It really hadn’t been all that difficult. Montana was new. Once I had the knife away from him, it was pretty easy. But it certainly hadn’t gone as smoothly as it should have.

“I’ll see you outside, angel. Soon as it’s dark,” I said and turned to leave her alone with her books.

Kyle and Indy were waiting for me in the kitchen when I walked back through.

“Just books?” Indy asked. “For real?”

“She said she missed them.”

“You really need us out there for this movie?” Kyle asked.

“ I don’t,” I laughed. “Trust me, the second that she suggests she doesn’t either, I’ll be happy to tell you both to scram.”

“That hardly seems fair. All that effort just for you to be the only one to get anything out of it. Least you could do is let us stay and watch,” Indy huffed.

“You’re a weird kid,” Kyle said and walked out, still shaking his head.

“You guys hear from Richmond yet?” I asked as soon as the door was closed.

“Just take the night off,” Indy said. “It’s good to see you like this, hoss. The work will still be waiting on us tomorrow.”

I went upstairs to shower as quickly as possible. As much as I really didn’t believe Memphis was remotely close to wanting the next step in a physical relationship yet, it wouldn’t hurt my case to wash the smells of gross hotel rooms and fist fights off me. The sun shot shockingly fast this time of year, so I didn’t really have time to waste.

Memphis wasn’t in her room by the time I made my way back downstairs. Nobody was in any of the common areas of the house, so I ventured out to the garage just to find myself stopped cold at the sight. Memphis had moved one blanket right in front of the projector, so that it was centered with our makeshift movie screen of the back wall of the garage. She had one of the other blankets wrapped around her already, the other two blankets piled up like pillows behind her, and she’d moved all the little coolers within arm's reach of where she was sitting.

No Indy.

No Kyle.

No anybody.

She looked at me for just a second when she noticed me, but she looked right back into her lap.

“I’ll send you back inside too if you make it weird, Utah. I swear I will. I don’t mind watching this movie by myself.”

I tripped over fucking nothing when I decided I’d better get moving before she really did change her mind and make me leave. I couldn’t get there fast enough. She laughed at me while I slid across the grass to try to slow myself down, and she definitely squealed a little when I jumped right over her to land on the other side of her on the open space of the blanket. As soon as I was sprawled out beside her, she grabbed one of the other blankets and threw it over my face.

“Everything about you really is just so fucking weird,” she said.

“You’re one to talk, nerd.”

I balled the blanket up and held it against the back of my head so I could lie back on it like a pillow.

“You really shouldn’t have gone back to my house,” she said while she stood and went to the projector to start the movie.

“Then you shouldn’t have told me you missed your books, sugar.”

She sat way fucking closer to me when she dropped back down on the blanket again. She occupied herself by wrapping the other blanket back around her, rather than risk looking at me now that she was right next to me.

“You didn’t have to do this either,” she said quietly once she’d looked back up to the wall where the movie started playing.

“We probably need to start scheduling nights off for all of us every so often anyway. Feels like this is about to get really heavy really fast with the direction we’re headed,” I said and paused. “Besides, this part was way easier,” I admitted. “I made Indy do it all.”

She smirked. “I don’t think either of them really wanted to be out here to watch this. Kyle didn’t seem overly fond of not sitting out here, though. Like he wasn’t allowed to leave me alone out here with you just because he knew Jersey wouldn’t like it.”

“Because that’s what we all need. Another angry Marine channeling his inner New Jersey to make sure the tension stays on this property even while he’s not here.”

Just her hands escaped the edges of the blanket that she was wearing like a massive coat so she could look down at them while she started picking at the nail polish on them. I sat up to put my hand over both of hers to hold them still.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not,” she whispered and swallowed so loudly that I could hear it.

“Then you don’t have to be…nervous? Uncomfortable? Whatever it is that makes you fidget every time I’m around and we’re alone.”

“It’s really not you,” she said and looked at me that time. “I’m sorry I keep making you think it is. I’m really fucking bad at doing new things. I overthink everything until every detail has a million possible meanings. And then all I can feel is stress over each of them. It serves a remarkable purpose when it’s work related. Keeps everybody alive and safe. Made me a damn good Judge, but damn useless at just being a regular person.”

I forced my hand in between hers then so I could tighten my grip on one of them.

“Why didn’t you go with Trista and New Jersey, Memphis? I know they wanted you to. I know you could see they needed the time to breathe. Why not give yourself that break, too?”

“We have way too much?—”

“Don’t,” I interrupted immediately.

“What?”

“Don’t give me the lie. Tell me the real reason.”

She sighed before she looked at me again.

“I have a sister here, Utah. We haven’t seen each other in years. Life was difficult for us, but as soon as I had the money, I set her up somewhere else, with a new family, and actual opportunities for a future. They didn’t have kids, but always wanted them. She was older than they probably would’ve liked and came with some pretty serious trauma, but they didn’t hesitate much once I explained that I was still willing to fund her entire life from a distance. People will go to some crazy lengths to have children.”

“You and I both know you could still handle the banking situation from any continent, angel.”

She squeezed my hand that time. “I live in perpetual fear that something will happen to her again. That she’ll need me.”

“Where are your parents?” I risked asking, wondering how far we could go into this conversation before she retreated.

“I don’t know. They never wanted us,” she shrugged. “Well, maybe they did at one point. But somewhere along the way, they must’ve changed their minds. I kind of always wondered if it was because I was the outcast kid. More trouble than I was really worth.”

She sucked in a very audible breath after that and took her hand back while she shook her head. For as much as I wanted to ask what that meant, how she could believe they’d just changed their minds about their children, she sure didn’t seem like she could handle much more of this discussion.

“I don’t think I’ve ever said those words out loud,” she whispered. “That shit sucked. Even to just say it.”

I reached for her far hip and hooked my hand around her to drag her the rest of the way against my side. Then I scooped an arm underneath her and just lifted her until I could sit her in front of me between my legs. She stiffened a little when I put my arms around her to squeeze her back into me, but she didn’t try to escape.

“I’m sorry, angel.”

I couldn’t help but wonder how many years I’d have to spend holding her to ease the kind of heartache that would come from believing your own parents didn’t want you. If she’d let me start now, I might stand a chance.

I could only relate to this feeling partially. I knew how it felt to be unwanted, but for as much as my parents didn’t want me, I also didn’t want them. Memphis seemed like she was in a different position. She wanted the love of her parents, while being rid of my mine was freeing just as much as it was damning.