17. Memphis

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

memphis

“ W e probably owe him an apology,” I said to Indy as soon as Utah was in his truck and had ripped the radio out of his ear without so much as a goodbye .

“How much do you want to bet that he’s already tossed that earpiece out the window?” Indy asked as he laughed.

“You don’t feel bad?”

“Feel bad?” Indy repeated. “He’s fine. I told you he can’t die. He probably would have said something if Montana had actually stabbed him at any point in that little exchange.”

“He’s so mad at us.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He’s in love with you, so you’re safe. And experience tells me that even when he’s mad at me, he gets over it quickly, because he already knows he can’t live without my charm and quick wit.”

“Make sure you keep an eye on that chatroom,” I said to Indy before I closed my laptop. “It’s only a matter of time before Richmond reaches out.”

“You have plans?” he asked.

“You don’t have to sound so shocked when you say things like that,” I said and laughed. “But no. Not really. I just need a minute.”

He was laughing by the time I made it to the door. “Tell him I’m not sorry. We’ll call it payback for all those times he’s hung up on me, cut me out of conversations, and just outright kept secrets.”

I waved at Kyle while I walked by the open overhead doors of Jersey’s detached garage. He came out to start Persephone and Hades every couple of days to let them run for a little while to make sure they stayed ready in case Jersey were to magically reappear here at any given moment. Just listening to both cars idle squeezed something in my heart.

“Need something?” Kyle asked as he came out of the garage with Dandy right on his heels.

I shook my head. “Just going to walk for a bit.”

He panicked a little every single time he asked if I needed something. He was never anything short of terrified that I might say yes one of these days after the emotional roller coaster that Trista and I rode straight through this property over the last several months.

I was never much of an animal person, but Dandy had effortlessly grown on me in our time here. She circled my legs and beat me to death with her tail while I tried to pet her the entire way.

“Take her with you,” Kyle said.

“Isn’t she supposed to stay with you?”

“She’s allowed to take breaks, too,” he said and winked at me.

Dandy stopped several times to look back at Kyle while she walked with me. I wondered if she was expecting him to call her back. Or maybe hoping that he would, so she didn’t have to feel responsible for my emotions, too. Then I laughed at myself for being so concerned about what a dog was thinking.

“But you’re not just a regular dog, are you?” I whispered and ran my hand down her back.

I wondered if all golden retrievers were this kind of special, or if it was just her.

“I should probably call him, right?” I asked her. “Apologizing over a text feels cowardly. I always made Jersey call me to apologize. But I sound like a dumbass every time it’s just him and me talking.”

She wagged her tail harder when I looked back down at her in between my out-loud thoughts.

“At least you won’t tell anybody if I make a fool out of myself.”

I pulled my phone out while we walked and forced my finger to touch Utah’s name. It made me smile that he answered it before it even rang twice.

“Yes, angel?”

His voice was different. Tense and short.

But I was still angel .

“You’re mad at me and that’s how you answer my call?” I asked.

“I can be mad at you and respect you, she-devil.”

“ She-devil feels a little extreme,” I laughed.

“I had to juggle three different conversations, two of which were outright contradictory, while dodging a motherfucking knife, Memphis. She-devil is appropriate. Respectfully, of course.”

“ Of course ,” I repeated. “I’m sorry, Utah.”

His noticeably stunned silence on the other end made me wildly uncomfortable.

“But Indy said he’s not sorry. He actually kind of made it sound like you deserved it. So, if you’re going to stay mad at one of us, make it him.”

I felt better instantly when he laughed that time.

“Are you okay?” I asked. I nearly passed out on the spot when I could imagine the way that he was probably smirking at that question.

“I’m fine, sugar. Stuffed him in the corner of that alley and left your little chatroom business card in his pocket.”

“Indy keeps saying you can’t be killed.”

“Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it can’t ,” he laughed.

“Where’d you learn how to do this?” I asked.

“Do what? Not die?”

“Smartass. Jersey was a Marine. He was practically trained for this kind of job. What’d you do?”

“Yeah, life taught me all this shit. I pretty much learned it out of necessity. I could learn to fend for myself, or I could die.”

“That’s—depressing. I’m sorry I asked.”

“Where’d you learn the hacker extraordinaire gig?”

“I don’t really know. The code writing kind of came naturally. Once I had the basics, everything else just fell into place, like it was my primary language. The rest of it happened the way it did for you, I suppose. I had to learn to find my way into other people’s systems. I needed to be able to get into places I wasn’t supposed to, so I figured it out as I went.”

“The Internet taught you how to master the Internet?” he asked and laughed.

“Like you said, it was a necessity.”

“Why was it necessary for you?”

“That’s a really shitty story, Utah. That’s material you don’t even attempt to cover until like date nine or ten,” I said and paused. “Or maybe even relationship year fifteen.”

“That’s the second time you’ve brought up dates, angel. You sure you’re not asking me out?”

“Stop making it weird. I’m already weird. I don’t need your help.”

“I’m not the one who keeps bringing it up.”

I had no idea where this conversation was supposed to go after that. I looked down at Dandy and shrugged my shoulders, like maybe she’d be able to offer some assistance. But there was no helpful advice to come from the tongue that flopped out of her mouth while we walked.

“Do you miss anything about it?” Utah asked. “Your first life?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It wasn’t even that long ago, but it doesn’t feel real anymore. Like it wasn’t even mine, or maybe it was a dream. I think if it felt real, I’d miss everything about it. So, maybe that’s why my brain remembers it the way that it does.”

He was quiet that time, and it made me uncomfortable again to imagine him feeling sorry for me. I hadn’t ever been in a position that required me to murder my father. He was the last person who should feel sorry for me after his experiences.

“I do miss Jersey though,” I said, trying desperately to find a slightly different subject. “And my books. I don’t have anything to do here when I need a distraction. I can only paint my nails so much.”

“Your books,” he repeated with a laugh. “You miss your books. Where are they?”

“My house in Memphis. I don’t think Jersey would’ve considered them a necessity when he told me to pack the essentials before they came for me. So, that’s where they still are. A sad, lonely library.”

“Aren’t most libraries sad and lonely?”

“Most libraries at least have their librarian. And the librarian never has to feel lonely if the books are there. Endless friends available.”

“God, you really are a nerd. What kind of books are we talking about here?”

“Mmm,” I mumbled and paused. “Mostly textbooks.”

Not entirely untrue. There were textbooks.

“You feeling the need to lie about a set of books has suddenly overtaken all my curiosity.”

“Can we maybe dig into your life instead?” I asked. “Something terribly personal about you, perhaps?”

He laughed and that was all it took to make my cheeks heat up.

“Ask me anything you want, angel. I can’t be embarrassed. I’ve spent way too much time working with Indy. Even more time learning that what other people think just does not matter.”

That opportunity took my mind in all of the worst possible directions.

How many women have you been with?

What’d they look like?

Is there a specific type?

Who was your favorite?

Why was she your favorite?

Does she have a social security number?

How do I become one of those women you’ve been with?

But how do I also become the only woman you’ll be with?

Have you been in a serious relationship?

Or has everything always been temporary?

“Memphis?”

“Fuck, right,” I mumbled.

“What?”

“When is your birthday?”

He laughed again. “That’s the big question? I tell you to ask me anything under the sun and you want my birthday? I don’t know why I was sitting here imagining you instantly asking how big my dick was. I really have spent way too much time with Indy.”

The way my mouth instantly fucking dried up.

“December twelfth, sugar.”

Was the answer to his assumed question still on the table though? That one sounded way more interesting than his birthday.

“Anything else?” he asked after I was awkwardly quiet for another ridiculous length of time.

“Why don’t you have any tattoos?”

“It’s hard for me to imagine doing something to intentionally damage my body even more. It’s already covered in scars. I don’t think I could justify paying someone to make it worse.”

“You could’ve just said you don’t like them,” I laughed.

“I couldn’t. Because that’s not true at all.”

“What?” I asked.

“I love everything about the way they look on your skin.”

God, I couldn’t breathe again.