Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Lisa hadn’t expected to wake up so early, especially not after she’d tossed and turned until the early hours of the morning. The embarrassment of having to be lectured by her host, for such appalling manners, kept returning. But it was his stern voice playing on repeat in her mind, that really made her squirm. She couldn’t stop herself from imagining what would have happened if Rick had decided to punish her.

Of course, he never would have. He was Maya’s Daddy, and they were very happy. But it did bring up all those old urges and desires that she’d tried to keep locked away.

Her overactive mind left her with a restless sleep that ended when the sun was barely up. She sighed and threw off the blankets, deciding to get dressed for the day. It felt weird wandering around someone else’s house in pajamas, and she couldn’t hide in the bedroom forever, though it was tempting.

She was going to have to talk to Maya, and she wasn’t looking forward to that. Rick had been kinder about the whole thing than she could have expected, but she had no idea how Maya was going to react. She just hoped their friendship wouldn’t end because of it.

To distract herself she pulled out the laptop and started making a mental list of things she needed to get done, while she checked her e-mail. She was just finishing a morning scan of the job listings, when she heard the sound of a door closing somewhere in the house.

She opened the bedroom door and stuck her head out, listening. There was definitely some noise coming from the kitchen. For some reason, she immediately assumed it was Maya.

It would be a good time for them to talk privately, she decided. So she headed down the hall. The fact that it was Rick in the kitchen took her off guard, and she gasped. Her first instinct was to back out of the room before he noticed. Before she could make the decision, he saw her, and it was too late.

All the guilt from the night before came rushing back, and with it worry that maybe he’d changed his mind about her staying. She wanted to apologize again for what she’d done, but she wasn’t sure how to bring it up. It was so awkward.

They ended up talking about waffles instead. Boring, but at least the topic didn’t make her turn red. Eventually she relaxed. Rick was easy to be around, even when he hinted at the embarrassment of the night before. The topic of kinky relationships even came up, which took her by surprise.

He told her the same things the websites had said. All that talk about how D/s relationships weren’t just about sex, but he seemed to really mean it. It was a confusing contradiction since what she’d seen him doing with Maya was very sexual, but it did make her wonder.

It had been a low stress morning, which went a long way towards pulling her out of her head. She’d finally pushed the guilt and embarrassment away, so it wasn’t constantly sitting in the back of her mind. But then Maya woke up, and everything kind of crumbled.

Seeing Maya in the doorway, angry, brought everything back in a rush, and even knowing it had just been a joke, didn’t help. Maya did have every reason to be mad at her. To hate her even.

The hug didn’t help. She found herself blinking back tears and was on the verge of crying and Maya seemed to get that.

“I’m not mad at you, Lisa. I don’t even mind what you saw. Please don’t be upset,” Maya said, keeping her voice low and the words for her ears only.

“How can you not be mad? I spied on you,” Lisa whispered back. Her eyes flicked over to Rick, but he didn’t seem to be paying them any attention.

“If I were you, I’d be curious too, and we did leave the door open, which was my fault. Besides, we’ve played in clubs before. It’s kind of exciting to know people are watching.”

That felt really different to Lisa. Knowing people were watching, was consenting to them seeing everything. She’d stolen a glimpse into their private life, and it felt wrong. “That’s not the same,” she insisted. She felt, rather than heard, Maya’s sigh.

“No. It’s not. And you shouldn’t have done it, but you already know that. I’m not going to help you beat yourself up about it, especially when I understand why you did it.” Maya squeezed her again and added, “If you had a Dom, you’d definitely be getting spanked for this though.”

“Well, I don’t. I’m never going to have what you have, Maya.” Her voice rose at the end, and she flinched as she shot another look at Rick.

Luckily, he was too busy setting out the waffles to have heard her.

Maya shook her head. “We’ll see,” she said, firmly. She let go of Lisa and looked over at the breakfast spread with a wide smile. “I’m starving! Let’s eat!”

It was a nice meal. The waffles were delicious with fresh fruit and a little syrup. Maya’s plate was a disaster that looked more like a dessert than a breakfast, but her friend’s laughter was infectious, and it made the meal fun.

Towards the end Rick directed them back to serious issues and she was forced to tell him the whole story of all her failures. Maya projected an aura of support throughout the whole tale, but it was still hard to admit everything that had gone wrong.

Rick took it so seriously. He put on a professional demeanor, and she could practically see him making mental notes as she talked. She wasn’t dumb enough to think anything would come of it, but she was grateful that he would even ask.

She didn’t deserve his help. She knew that, and he’d probably realize it later too. The fact that they’d opened their home to her, and still wanted to help, even after what had happened, just made it worse. The guilt was almost suffocating, but maybe that was the punishment she deserved.

Rick took the notebook with her information and left shortly after breakfast, leaving them to clean up the kitchen. “But it’s Saturday… isn’t everything closed?”

Maya piled the plates in the sink and shrugged. “He’s a judge. That tends to open doors, even on the weekend.” There was a note of pride in her voice.

“Oh.” She hesitated and then added, “He really doesn’t need to do all of this for me.”

Maya turned around, leaning against the sink to look at Lisa. “Rick likes helping people and he likes solving problems. If he can do anything to help you get back on your feet, it will make us both happy.”

And get me out of their house faster, Lisa thought to herself. But that was unfair, she knew Maya wasn’t thinking like that. It was her own guilt at being a burden that was kicking in. “I appreciate the help. I just…”

“Lisa, just let him—let us help you.”

“I am.” Lisa snorted. “I mean, it’s not like I have a choice. I don’t really have anyone else and I’ve kind of hit rock bottom. I really don’t know how I messed everything up so badly.”

Maya shook her head. “From what you told me… none of this was really your fault. I still can’t believe Unemployment is that backed up. How do they expect people to survive waiting months?” She pulled some storage bags out of a drawer and began dumping the toppings into them.

Lisa took the bowls over to the sink as they were emptied and started filling it with hot water so she could wash everything. “They said there’s been unprecedented fraud and it’s holding things up.”

Maya sucked her teeth in disapproval. “Well, maybe Rick can help there too. I’m not sure. The important thing is that you have a safe place to stay while we sort it all out.” She came over to dry the dishes, as Lisa washed them.

“I can’t believe you still want me here after what I did.” It was barely more than a mumble, but Maya heard her anyway.

“See, this is why you need a Dom. All those icky guilt feelings are going to build up. You’ll make yourself miserable over it. I already said I was okay about it, the only one who needs to forgive you is you, and punishment helps with that.”

“Maya, no Dom wants me. I’m never going to have one.” Lisa sounded as tired as she felt.

Maya scowled. “That’s silly. You’re pretty. You’re smart and fun. Why wouldn’t a Dom want you?”

“Because I’m not… like you. I don’t have anything to give them back.”

Her friend tilted her head, squinting as she stared. “What does that even mean?”

Lisa didn’t like telling people she was ace. She felt like a misfit enough, without people knowing she was failing at the most fundamental biological imperatives. “It means I don’t like sex.”

“What? Like, not at all?”

Lisa shrugged. “I don’t mind once in a while. If I was in a relationship, I’d be okay doing it sometimes for them, but yeah, I don’t really get much out of it.”

“Okay, so what does that have to do with having a Dom? You know sex doesn’t have to be part of that, don’t you?”

It was a struggle not to roll her eyes, but she knew Maya was honestly trying to help. “People say it doesn’t, but every Dom I connected with was looking for sex. If someone wants sex the first time you meet, then you have to assume it’s going to be right near the top in their lists of desires in a sub.”

“Well, sure some people do need sex to be part of things, but that’s not all—”

“Three Doms, Maya. I met three. We talked online about how discipline and structure were priorities for me. How I was looking to explore and learn, but those were my basic needs. All three tried to fuck me at the first meeting.”

Maya’s eyes widened and she blinked slowly. “Lisa… those don’t sound like real Doms at all. You’re supposed to talk about everything before you get to anything physical. Where did you even meet those guys?”

“Online. Kinky dating sites. BDSM websites. And it wasn’t just the three I actually met. Do you know how many Doms have dick pics right in their profile? How many list the sex acts they want their subs to be good at? Everywhere I looked sex was the priority.”

“Well, you were looking in the wrong places. Maybe it’s because I’m a Middle and places for us tend to be less overtly sexual. Lots of Littles don’t even like sex when they are in a younger headspace. So, I see lots of Doms and Daddies who don’t put sex first.”

Of course, and that made sense, but it didn’t help her much. “Yeah, but I’m not a Little. I’m a submissive and it’s different.”

Maya shook her head. “It’s really not. Just because I identify as a Middle, doesn’t mean I’m not also a submissive. I submit to my Daddy’s authority. I obey or I accept the consequences. And when I’ve got my adult headspace on, I enjoy being dominated in scenes.”

Why didn’t she get that it wasn’t the same. “I get that, Maya. But even if some Doms don’t make sex a priority, they still expect to have it on a regular basis and they want a partner who… you know, enjoys it with them.”

“Did you think only subs could be asexual? It didn’t occur to you that there were Doms out there who didn’t like sex either?” Maya snorted. “Sexual desire and dominance are two different scales.”

She actually hadn’t considered that, but now it was something to think about. Maybe she could advertise for an ace Dom. “I guess that’s true.”

“Lisa, babe, there are so many dynamics out there. You don’t even know. You’ve got married Doms with vanilla partners, who agree to let them have discipline only relationships to fill their kink needs. You’ve got Doms with multiple subs, where they have a different dynamic with each sub. There’s a whole world out there that you haven’t even looked at.”

It was weird to have Maya being the one to lecture her. Usually she was the one talking Maya down from doing something that was going to get her in trouble. But she had to admit that her friend had a lot more experience than she did. “You don’t see much about those kind of relationships,” she said finally.

“Oh, I know. There is definitely a focus, probably thanks to the media, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other things out there. You—” She poked Lisa in the chest. “—gave up too soon.”

Maybe she was right. Rick had implied something similar. But after doing her best to lock all of those desires away, she wasn’t in a rush to dig them up and try again. Not now. Not when her life was a dumpster fire.

“I’ll think about it. Maybe when I get back on my feet I can try.” Truthfully, even thinking about opening herself up again made her insides turn cold.

“Thinking about it is good. I’m not trying to nag you. It’s just…” Maya sighed and tucked her hair back behind her ears. “I hate to see you so sad. I hate that you think you can’t have those needs filled just because of one little thing.”

One little thing. Lisa was torn between laughing and crying. Being asexual had never been a little thing. It had been a major stumbling block that got in the way of everything she wanted. It isolated her. It made her feel broken.

It was the opposite of little.

Maya seemed to sense she’d said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean it wasn’t important. I just—"

Lisa cut her off. “Yeah, I get it. I know what you mean.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a long moment as she tried to push a sudden flare of anger back. “Okay, I should go get on my laptop and get some more job applications in. Unless you need any more help cleaning up?”

Maya looked around. All signs of breakfast were gone, and everything had been put away while they talked. “Nope, all good here.” She sounded hesitant. The usual energy was gone from her voice.

It felt like Lisa should say something to make her feel better, but she just didn’t have it in her. The stress was overwhelming her and even though she owed Maya a lot, she needed to be by herself to try to pick through it all.

She locked herself in the guest bedroom for the rest of the morning. The half-expected visit from Maya didn’t happen, and the house was silent. The space should have made her feel better, but she got more agitated as the day went on.

Being homeless and jobless was enough to handle without the sudden resurgence of her emotional needs. There was an unexplained anger growing, and she didn’t understand why. She was mad at Maya—actually that was too mild a word. Part of her was furious at Maya.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. Especially when Maya was currently saving her from living in her car.

She didn’t want to take time to unravel the whys of it, when she had more important things to deal with, but she knew if she didn’t, she was going to lose her temper. It was always like that. Stuffing down the emotions day after day, until finally they just refused to be pushed away anymore and then they’d explode out of her.

But she couldn’t blow up at Maya when she was depending on her friend for a place to live. And aside from that… Maya hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Okay, maybe she’d misspoken and underestimated Lisa’s struggles not to feel broken, but logically Lisa knew she’d just been trying to help.

And if they were keeping score, it still felt like she was in the negatives anyway.

It took very little time for her to narrow down where the anger was coming from. It had nothing to do with Maya saying the wrong thing, and everything to do with Maya casually assuming that anyone could have the perfect life she had.

Lisa had spent so much time locking those needs up and convincing herself that they would never be filled. And there went Maya skipping by, insisting she reexamine all of her decision. Pushing her to try again. Asking her to open herself up for more heartache.

She doesn’t get it, because she has everything.And there it was… that old envy. It was quickly followed by a tsunami of guilt. She felt like she was drowning, and she hated it.

It wasn’t who she wanted to be, and she refused to let those negative emotions get the best of her. Maya was her best friend, almost a sister, and she was never going to let herself forget that.