CHAPTER 9 - PATRICK

_ AGE FIFTEEN _

_ ALL THE SORROW IN THIS WORLD _

Sleepless nights are my new normal. Some would say I'm just another teen going through the struggles of my past. I've pondered these struggles fer some time now and yet I cannae come up with a way to alleviate the ache that plagues me. If this past year has taught me anything it's how people in our lives come and go. Either ye adapt to the changes or yer swept away in the brutal tide never to be heard from again. I've been struggling with these changes fer some time now, and I wish I ken of a way to recover my sanity. I'm teetering on the edge. Will today be the day I drown in the darkness?

My mate has pushed me away and I dinnae ken her intentions. Why? Why have'ne I forced her to speak to me? I cannae continue like this. I fucking hate it . I need Lili back in my life; she's the last thread holding me together. I fear I'm becoming my father. I'm on the brink of exploding on those who dinnae deserve it. I've tried masking my emotions with music, but even certain songs sometimes strike a chord. There is a rage building inside me, I can feel it , how long until it spills over?

The only thing holding me back from allowing the darkness to consume me is me maw. She's been through enough and doesn't need the additional burden. It never used to be this way; I used to tell her every detail of my day, and now she assumes I'm going through my rebellious teen years. Is that all this is? Is it that simple? If only it be that easy.

Listening to the melodic hum of rain tapping against the windowpane as I woke reminded me of a song and now I cannae get it outta my head. Sure, I should be sat fer breakfast with maw, but I must play it a few times first. If I dinnae play it I'll think about it all damned day, and that's enough to drive me mad.

The steady rhythm of droplets tapping the tin outside my window has me lost in my own world as I strum the strings. My guitar is an extension of me as my hand glides along the fretboard. I hum the lyrics, nodding my head as AC/DC's If You Want Blood takes control of my every being.

[Ayda/Maw] "Patrick! Get a move on! Yer gonna be late!" Maw yells from the end of the corridor lending me five more minutes. That's her warning call. Now if she's at my door, I'm in trouble. She'll be sure to get a wooden spoon and smack me good. Maw would'ne actually do it, but it doesn't mean she won't threaten me with it.

[Patrick] "In a minute, maw!" I call out. Twang! "Ballocks! I lost my rhythm. [sigh] I almost had it, too."

Damn near a week at playing this song and I cannae seem to get it down pat the way I want. Maybe it's time to get a new song my head. The neighbors would be thankful fer that.

"Boy! Dinnae tell me, ‘in a minute!'" Maw stands in the doorway dressed fer work, arms crossed over her floral blouse. "Put that guitar away this second or I'll beat'che with it." Her words have me scrambling to attention, even though I know she'd never lay a hand on me or intentionally break my guitar.

[Patrick] "Sorry maw, I got carried away." I set my guitar on the bed as she leaves. I slung my school bag over my shoulder, and made my way to the kitchen.

"Yer music always sounds lovely, dear." She remarks then sets a plate at the table with my favourite morning snack, a tatty scone.

I enjoy it being just the two of us; no man to control our lives or beat us when he's blootered after a night at the pub. Never again, maw said. Never will a man put hands on her, or her son. She's proudly worked two jobs since moving to London six years ago, and while life is simple, we have everything we need. She saved fer two years to purchase the guitar I wanted, and it's my most cherished item. Me maw is a saint and I'll do anything I can to make her life easier.

My father is'ne in the picture, and fer a damn good reason. Maw has'te cover her scars with makeup every day due to the vile prick. At least most of my wounds can hide under my clothes, all except the damned cut on my forehead others pick on me fer having. Glass bottles were the bastard's favourite toy. A man with too much drink will lose his mind, create assumptions and scenarios someone sane would never conjure. Alcohol gave him the opportunity to show his true colours, which happened to be damned near every night after his stint at the pub. I endured nine years of hell from this man, how many years did maw havet'a go through it, I wonder. If I were bigger back then, she would'ne have those scars to cover. His last breath would've been by my hand, and frankly, I would've enjoyed watching the life leave his bloodshot eyes.

A good part of my darkness is my father; the thing I contain in a cage inside my mind out of fear I would become someone just like him. I'm frightened by my thoughts sometimes and havet'a wonder if the doctors misdiagnosed my autism. What if I'm truly mental and turn on those I love? This battle is becoming tiresome and I dinnae ken if I want to continue on.

[Maw] " Honestly, it's like pulling teeth with ye lately!" She lectures as she pours me a glass of milk. "Are ya too good to have a blether with yer maw anymore? I barely see ye as it is. I need to make sure me boy is gettin' on okay. Are ye okay, love?" I swallow a bite of the scone and sigh.

[Patrick] "Aye, maw. I had to create a masterpiece this mornin' is all." I try shaking off the darkness.

This fight inside me will last the entire day until I get back home. Maybe I'll stop at the record store, check if they have any different cassettes in stock. I'll see if Lili will go with me this time. She has'ne been herself as of late. Maybe that will cheer her up.

Maw rolls her eyes but cannae suppress a smile as I shove most of the tattie scone in my gob.

[Maw] "Last thing I want is yer masterpiece making ya tardy. And how about running a comb through that mop on yer heid! Ye need a trim."

[Patrick mouth full] "No maw!" I frantically swallow and clear my throat. "I like my hair like this. All the lads hair is this way. Ye would'ne understand." I run a hand over my hair to have it cover my scar.

[Maw Laughter] "I guess I dinnae." She heads fer the door, slides on her shoes, and grabs her bag. "I'm off. Can ye see to gettin' that pile of stench off yer floor and washing it when ye get home later?" I crack a smile fer good measure.

[Patrick] "It's pretty rank is'ne?" We share a laugh. "Aye. I'll be sure to get the dishes set, too."

[Maw] "That is why yer my favourite son."

[Patrick] "I'm yer only son, maw." I finish downing the contents of my glass as she makes her way over and kisses the top of my head.

[Maw] "I would'ne trade ye fer anythin.' Yer a great young man. So proud of ye." She shakes my shoulder then races to the door realizing the time. "Love ya, Patrick. Good luck on that English exam today! Tell me about it tonight. I plan make yer favourite meal, Shepherd's pie!"

[Patrick dull] "Ye're the best, maw. Have a good day at work. Love ya." The door shuts behind her and I'm alone at last. It takes everything I have not go back upstairs and call it a day. The only thing pushing me to leave is to make sure Lili is well.

On my way to school, the familiar drops of rain sprinkling my coat brought a wave of nostalgia to the forefront. Memories of Scotland, the wet squishy grass in between my toes during a summertime storm, catching droplets on my tongue with maw as we stood there soaked looking up at the blustery sky, and the scent of the Highlands in the air, air that is now shrouded by the dank London city. How I want to go back to the place I belong, visit my uncle's farm, and forget life fer a while. Maybe that's all I need.

[Patrick to himself] "Ye can take the lad outta Scotland, but ye can never take Scotland outta the lad." Is'ne that the truth.

Stepping into the corridor, the warmth of the moment faded back into reality. Minutes passed as my mate came into view near the classroom entry. She isn'e getting away from me today. I have to know why she's been avoiding me these many days. Lili notices me, panic in her sickly eyes.

[Patrick] "Yer lookin' a bit peely-wally there, luv. What's going on with ye? Why have ye been slagging me off?" Lili's eyes cast down to her toes as she grips her shoulder and breathes through her pain.

[Lili pained] "It's nothing, Patrick. Just leave it." Lili bites back, agony shown through her glare.

[Patrick, upset whisper] "I bloody well will not! Yer ill! Let me help ye to the nurse. Ye should go home and rest."

[Lili loudly] "I said no!" Her daggers cut into me then immediately she glances at others around us and lowers her voice. [Scared] "I dinnae want to go home."

This isn't Lili, at least not the lass I ken. Her spirit has vanished before my eyes. What do I do? Should I tell a teacher? [Doubt] No. She'd never fergive me.

[Patrick] "Did someone hurt ye? [gritted teeth] Give me the bastards name and I'll fix ‘em right." She shakes her head and groans.

[Lili] "Ya wee bawbag. Leave me be." Lili's eyes betray a pain she could'ne articulate as they well with unshed tears and she runs off leaving others to stare at me. My first clench at my sides and rage boils deep within me.

Her Gran went on holiday and left her alone with a mother who would rather spend her time at work than be with her daughter. This pain though, it's more than missing her Gran. It's physical. I have'ta get to the bottom of this. I can take Lili being mad at me. I will inform someone after first class.

Fifteen minutes into class, I cannae focus on the teacher's lecture as I instead train my eyes on Lili two seats in front of me. My concerns grow with every sound my mate makes. She's constantly shifting her feet and bouncing her leg. The lass is on edge and about to shatter. I wish she'd get checked over by the nurse.

Lili abruptly leaves the room, her face pale and contorted in agony. The quiet classroom turned to shocked whispers, one in particular from a classmate saying how I got her pregnant. That is further from the truth and they damn well ken it. I don't hide being gay, everyone here kens Lili and I are mates, but that doesn't stop the rumors from spreading. Their whispers stir the darkness around my vision.

I have'ta get out of here before I explode. I need to find Lili.

Silently excusing myself, I locate her just down the corridor curled into a ball on the floor, her moans of misery strengthening with every breath she takes. She needs a hospital. I need to find help. I'm at her side in seconds.

[Patrick] "Lili! Fer fucks sake!" I sit and cradle her in my arms, the movement causing her to let out a wail and gaining attention from two nearby teachers who rush to our side, one calling out to find the nurse. That is when I see under her lifted skirt the new and old markings along her exposed thigh. Not cuts from a knife. Burns. So many of them. My darkness turns red as my gut instinct rings alarm bells. Mark my words, the person who did this to her will not live long. This is a promise to my mate. [Rage] "He did this, didn'e? That fucker will pay!"

[Lili broken cries] " I'm sorry Patrick, don't leave me. P-please. D-don't leave!"

[Patrick angry] "Tell me who did this to ye!"

Before I could comprehend her words, Lili went limp. Panic seizes me as I shake her.

[Patrick] "Lili! Wake up!" My vision darkens as the nightmare of me holding my mother's limp body flashes through my eyes. "Ye cannae leave me, Lili! Open yer eyes. Please! Please!" A familiar shock slams into me as she's taken from my arms then I fight the strong hold around me as she's placed on a gurney. "No! Get yer fuckin' hands off me!" I'm in hysterics as I watch my mate, my lifeline be whisked away by the paramedics, and I'm unable to go with her. There is an open wound inside my chest as I choke from my darkness.

It all makes sense now. Lili stopped having me over after school some time ago. She quit coming to school early to practice in the music room with me. Her grades have slipped. All the big jumpers and long trousers. Her sickly pale skin and constant frown now etched as a permanent fashion. Why dinnae I see it sooner?

No one can get me under control; I'm frantic, no way to be subdued. I've reached my breaking point – hell, I've past it. The one thing on my mind is Lili. I need to see her. She needs to be okay. The headteacher calls me maw and suspends me fer my outburst and my verbal threats I made to the teacher who had his arms around me. Maw told them to piss off after she discovered the reason of my outburst.

At the hospital, confusion and worry engulfs me. Maw tells me Lili is in surgery, and we have no updates. Gran swiftly made it back to London from France and met us in the waiting room. Lili's maw only stayed long enough to sign paperwork fer her surgery. I have never liked Guinevere, and this solidifies my hatred towards her.

[Strong Scottish Gran] "Lili is a mighty lass. She will pull through, Patrick. Keep yer faith." Lili's Gran tries reassuring me with her hand on my shoulder as we sat there. Her tight grip offers a sliver of peace in the sea of questions and rage inside my head. "She will need ye now more than ever." I gather my courage to speak, my voice tense and scared as I glance at Gran, tears in my eyes.

[Patrick] "We had a spat before class. What if – what if I cannae make amends? [choked up] I'd never forgive meself. Why dinnae she ask fer help? Why dinnae I see her struggling? How did I let this happen?"

[Gran shushes] "Shhh, Shhh." Her hands cup my cheeks as she stares deep into my soul. "Dinnae blame yerself." There's sadness and guilt in her eyes of her own she's tries to conceal. "Yer her favourite person, Patrick, like a sweet, delightful melody." Gran's wisdom is just one of the many reasons why I adore her. "I've never witnessed a love between mates as strong as the two of ye have. Dinnae think fer a second it will ever cease playing." She waits for my silent acceptance then pats my cheek and backs away. "Now. Up we go. Tis time fer a sweet treat. A Wispa will lift yer spirits."

Gran has always said chocolate is the best cure fer when yer feeling down. She's never once been wrong.

An hour later maw left me with Gran to find a bit of scran. I hadn't eaten since the morning, however I'm too uneasy to even think about food. It's maw's way of saying she needed a break from the hospital – and I cannae blame her; these walls bring the past bubbling to the surface and leave her hollow fer days after. I have'ta be strong fer her; we only have each other.

As we sat there waiting for news, I tap the beat of Switchfoot's Stars , a song Lili had me listen to on one of our lasts trips together to the record store. It's our song, she told me as much. She helps me see the stars through the darkness, she makes me a better person – I feel almost normal in the otherwise world of chaos.

If she dinnae make it through this, I will never see the stars again. Our castle will crumble into dust with me in it. At least then I will find peace.

I release a yawn just as two London police officers enter our space making me sit straighter.

[Officer] "Young man. Are you Patrick Shaw?" The bigger of the two men ask.

[Patrick] "Aye." I stand, Gran following suit, tension growing in the cramped space.

[Gran] "What is that about?" Gran's flare holds a hidden fire beneath her question. She is protective and I dinnae question her reason behind it. The men's faces are expressionless, giving nothing away.

[Officer] "I am officer Vale and this is officer Brown. We need to ask a few questions in regards of an ongoing investigation, and it be best to do it at the station."

[Gran] "He will nae be leaving with ye!" Gran bit out as my heart pounds in my chest. What do they want with me? "Patrick is my granddaughter's mate; he played no part in this!"

[Guinevere snooty] "Let the men to do their job, mum." Lili's maw came out of nowhere to interrupt the conversation, her fake as hell English accent is but an act she puts on, and her pink office suit and scowl reminds me of professor Umbridge. A bloody wanker, she is . I'm not wrong in the slightest when I say she's evil. "Patrick, I advise you, it's in your best interest to go with these officers."

[Gran] "Now, ye ken this is'ne right, Guinevere! Patrick is innocent in this, innocent, I say!" Gran's temper stirs as she tries keeping it together. I'm frozen to the floor, unable to move or think. Her tone calms as her hand squeezes mine; there is little reassurance this time. "I will see to it yer maw knows about this. Yer not leaving here without her." Her tone softens and she cups my face to check me over. "Do as they ask, but remember, ye dinnae have to answer any questions ye feel uneasy about. I will have an update on Lili's condition as soon as I can. We will get this sorted, Patrick. I promise."

I harbor a totality of respect fer Gran and all she has done fer me since moving to London. Our bond has grown, and she sees me as one of her own grandchildren. It's best to do as she says and go with the officers, knowing in my heart I am innocent. Deep down though, my insecurities are trying to fool me into thinking otherwise.

I dinnae do enough to protect Lili from what she's been through. It's all my fault.

At the station they enclose me and maw in a small room fer questioning and I feel trapped in a cage, the darkness knocking violently at the door. I block it out and turn everything off inside my mind as this process continues. The only thing I can't control is the tapping of my thumb and middle finger under the table. It's easier to hide, unlike the humming or rocking I often do in stressful situations.

[Officer Vale] "Patrick, you're close to Liliana Hayes, is that right?" The shorter officer with a balding hairline asks and I nod. "In your time together, do you recall anything different with Lili? Changes in her mood or behavior?"

I'm hesitant to answer him, knowing how easily words can turn on someone.

[Patrick] "She's been distant, but I thought she needed her space, so I gave it to her. Why? What is this to do with me?" Officer Vale eyes his partner before answering.

[Officer Vale] "It is our job to check into any information given to us about this case, and your name is mentioned as a person of interest."

[Maw] "That's absurd." Maw is right there to defend me. I stay quiet. If I speak they may discern my words as a lie. "Who would accuse my son of acting this cruel?"

[Officer Vale] "We cannot disclose that information." Officer Vale states. Officer Brown slaps a small evidence bag on the table and folds his fingers together next to it. His hard stare and posture has my nerves on overdrive.

[Officer Brown] "Upon inspecting your school bag we discovered a fag packet and a lighter inside. Care to tell us how they ended up there?" The officer asks. Maw inhales a sharp breath.

[Patrick] "Those are not mine!" I plead with them, wondering how they ended up in my bag. Someone had to've put them there – but who would do such a thing?

When I was seven I accidently stepped on my father's unopened fag packet. He gave me quite the beating with his belt then made me smoke most of them and eat the broken ones until I retched all over the floor. I passed out from the searing headache which only infuriated him further. I woke to him slapping me, telling me to wake up and clean my mess before he stormed out of the house.

Now, anytime I smell fags they give me the boak.

[Maw] "Patrick is'ne a smoker. He is sensitive to them." Maw confirms; however officer Brown sees it differently.

[Officer Brown] "Teens are rebellious." He chides. "They like going behind their parents' backs. It makes them feel powerful." He glances at the table and the sheet of paper with my school's logo on the top of it then he meets my stare. "Given Patrick's recent behavior at school, the multiple verbal and physical altercations he has stacked against him, you should be concerned, Mrs. Shaw. Patrick seems to be traveling down a dark path."

[Maw] "Are ye criticizing how I raise my child?" Maw is on the defensive, having dealt with men like this before.

[Officer Vale] "There is no need to turn defensive, Mrs. Shaw." Officer Vale tries deescalating things between them. "We only want to understand your son better."

These policemen, they're manipulative; playing on the fact I came close to assaulting a teacher today, and how my temper has been a problem in the past. They think me be just the same as my father; abusive and destructive, someone who will do whatever he wants to a woman and expect to get away with it.

Me maw raised me right, told me to nae hit a woman. Me and my maw took countless strikes and assaults from my wicked father and as a wee boy, I was defenseless to help her. I made a solid promise to me maw to always respect women – and I have.

The next hour they repeat their questions in different ways, seeing if my story will falter. In their next steps to see if I will confess, they open a folder and set out ten images, and the sight of each one makes me sick. I cannae hide my reaction, my hand cups my mouth, and a sob chokes me. Maw begins to cry.

Picture after picture of my mates broken body is scattered across the table. No wonder she wore long garments and hid from me, her skin is purple in so many places, there are burn marks, new and old covering most of her torso and along her thigh. So many wounds . This was'ne done to her in a matter of months, this has to be years of pain she's endured. And I didn't see it. I am the worst mate someone can have. Lili pushed me away and I should've done something sooner. Why would Gran allow this to happen? Did she not know? Gran would'ne have taken holidays if she knew. Why would Lili hide this from the two of us? There has'te be a valid reason fer it.

[Officer Vale] "Patrick." Officer Vale waves a hand at my face. "I know this is a lot to take in. You need to answer a few more questions for us." Officer Brown is'ne waiting, he's beginning to crack with the consistency of my answers.

[Officer Brown] "As long as you've been friends with Lili, did you ever put your hands on her? force yourself on her?"

[Patrick] "Hell no!" I clench my fists under the table, angry I have to out myself to these men to make them understand. "My relationship with Lili is platonic. I don't hide being gay." That only seems to frustrate him further.

[Officer Brown] "I was your age at one time; all those hormones going crazy making you think sex is more than your studies." Officer Brown leans in, his tone coercive. "I think you came onto Lili, you enjoyed giving her these bruises and marks, then you had your way with her –"

[Maw shriek] " How dare ye say that to my son ." Maw roars a protest at officer Brown who is smirking, pleased he's getting the reaction he hoped for. Maw is tense, a sense she's ready to turn him into his superior. I'm shaking, the walls are closing in, I cannae breathe.

[Patrick] " It was'ne me! " I scream at them, tired of having to continue like this. Officer Brown disregards my defense and stands, his hands poised on the table, his body looming above me to add to his scare factor.

[Officer Brown] "You can't lie to me, Patrick! You've had your dick in her, and as soon as the DNA is back proving you molested and raped her – impregnated her – then I will find satisfaction in making your life a living hell."

[Maw] "That's enough!" Maw stands and cuts a hand through the air. "No more questions. Ye will be hearing from our lawyer."

Maw is clearly over stimulated and done with this. The officers tell her she needs to monitor my whereabouts in case any further details come to light. They can't hold me here as they lack proof of my involvement. Like hell I'm coming back here . I am innocent. [Doubt] But why do I feel that isn't the complete truth?

My rage, once a simmering pot is now bubbling hot and ready to spill over. If anyone should be questioned it's the man who resides in Lili's home. Why are they not interrogating him? He's the bastard who did these things they accuse me of, I'm sure of it. Oh, but he's an officer of the law, of this very police station. The people he works with would'ne see him committing something this atrocious. Yet, Isaac Anderson is the only person in that home with Lili, her mother, and Gran. The officers need to open their fucking eyes and arrest the right person.

It's all coming together now that I've had time to think about it. The constant excuse to not have me over, or she visit my place. All the lies about the bruises I caught her with before she covered them up. Her dark hollow eyes, her dead stare, the agony of having to keep this secret from everyone. How long has this been happening? How long have I been blind to it?

Hours have passed in the barren interrogation room, I am exhausted, and all I want to know is if Lili made it out of surgery. Please, tell me she made it, please tell me she is going to be okay.

[Dark] If Lili doesn't make it – I clench my fists as we depart the room, the only sign of my fury showing itself – if she doesn't make it I will see to it Isaac Anderson suffers a slow and agonizing death.

A sure promise to my mate. I will get her revenge one way or another.

I am weary from the day's events, but I cannae go home. I need to see Lili. Please be okay.

We rush to the car as the droplets of rain speckle our clothes and dampen our hair. Once inside I slam the car door and try to calm my heavy breathing. Maw slides in and turns the ignition over.

I cannae think straight, my head is pounding. This rage I have is front and center, it's choking me. I can't breathe. I need to let this out. But where ?

[Patrick] "Is Lili okay? Did Gran call with an update?" I rush my words, needing answers to the questions that have plagued me for too long.

Maw's tone is weary, she knows more than she's willing to tell me, that much is clear.

Fuck, did she not make it? No, no, no. No, please!

[Maw] "Lili is in recovery. We may be able to visit tomorrow." She glances at my white knuckled fists, her nerves on high alert as she visibly shakes. [Tense] "How are ye, Patrick?"

[Patrick Frantic] " I don't know! I dinnae hurt her, Maw! I dinnae do it! I swear on my life!"

[Maw] "I believe ye, Patrick. I believe ye." She agrees, pulling me into her embrace. [Maw shushing] "We'll get to the bottom of this tomorrow, I promise. Calm yersel' . Ye need rest. Things will be better in the morn." She cries through her trying to comfort me then lets me go and we begin the trek home.

God, I hate hearing how scared she is – and I'm the reason fer it.

I'm past the point of calm. I drop my mask and begin rocking back and forth in the seat. My hands tremble, my head hurts, my heart aches, and my stomach twinges with both hunger and nausea. Nothing will help this feeling go away – I'm meant to live with it now fer the rest of my days.

After a short drive home, maw pulls the car into the drive and shuts it off. We sat there watching the rain flood the windshield, the sky weeping fer me as the truth about Lili hung thick in the air – an insidious secret of abuse, pain, and a desperate cry fer help no one heard. Not even me – her best mate.

God , the constant smell of fags on her clothing, the burns I witnessed on her skin, the dark circles under her eyes day after day, and her jumper sleeves covered in wet tears. I allowed this to happen to her!

I cannae take this anymore – the darkness is breaking through the cage – I cannae control it. Before I knew it, the car door is wrenched open and take off down the pavement.

[Maw] "Patrick! Come back!" Maw's cries are swallowed by the blackness of the night and all that is ever present in my mind.

Anguish and anger fuel my steps as I run, trying to escape this agony about to swallow me. I ran through the darkened streets with nowhere to go, no way to release this hurt I feel. When my lungs feel like they've caught fire and I can no longer continue, my knees knock hard on the pavement, and I feel like I'm about to pass out. Rain continues to dance around me and mix with my tears.

[Hellish thoughts] There were signs, so many signs I brushed away, blind to everything as I wallowed in my own misery, uncaring that my mate suffered far worse than I. Her last words to me whisper within the rain.

[Lili's plea in the corridor] "Patrick, don't leave me!" –

[Breaking down] But I did. I ignored her when she was scared and alone, begging fer help; I naively sentenced her to be with a man who forcibly molested her – raped her – sodomized –

[Patrick] "FUUUUCK!" [Agonized cries] "Fuuuuck!" [Delirium] I could've protected her. I should've trusted what my heart told me, I should've listened, but I was'ne there. She nearly died today – My mate almost died – and I let it happen! I should've known. [Angry grits teeth] "I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!" [Insistent sobbing] [Defeat] "I should've known."

This new numbness brings on a warmth inside me, the darkness clawing and seeping its way through its enclosure. Maybe I am more like my father than I thought.

A large body knelt in front of me as I shake from anger and the cool temperature. My head throbs and I cannae make out the man's words. The ringing in my head is too much. Tattooed hands gently capture my wrists then pull me to my feet. I'm on the verge of collapse. There is a blinding glow of headlights in front of me that only adds to the disorientation.

I have no clue where I am, nor do I care. I don't have a mind to care anymore. Maybe this is my breaking point; time to be locked away, thrown in a padded cell away from everyone. I'm not good enough to be here.

The faint sound of a bell chimes as we enter a dim room playing an unrhythmic mechanical humming intermixed with Sorrow by Bad Religion. Or is it all in my head?

[English male 1/Marcus] "He's soaked to the bone. Stop fucking tattooing, ya tosser – grab some towels."

[English male 2] "What the fuck is he doing in the street at this hour? Is her hurt?"

[Patrick dazed] Am I hurt? Yeah, I am, but they cannae see the beasts slowly killing me; it's all internal. My heart is shattered beyond repair. I can no longer continue fighting this battle in my mind. The white flag is in my hand. I'm ready to surrender. Maybe it's better this way, best to succumb to being a no-good weak bastard who dinnae shield his mate or his maw. [Internal breakdown] Two people I love came close to dying, and I dinnae protect them – I let so many cruel and vile things happen when I should'a been a man.

A chill ran down my spine as memories of my father bubbled their way to the surface.

[Father's voice in his head] Yer a bastard child. No son of mine. Ye may look like me, but I dinnae make weak, broken children. That's what ye are, Patrick. Broken. Ye will never amount to nothin'. No son of mine will be a worthless piece of shite like ye. Ohh, are we cryin' now? Only wee bairns cry. Ye ken what happens when ye cry. Undress and turn around – yer gonna take this beating and become a man.

[Slowly contemplating] My father was right. I am broken. Weak. Worthless. I only learned how to mask the pain. A true man would've fought back. I just took it – lashing after lashing, sometimes he'd turn the belt around so the metal buckle would stick into my back and make me bleed. And still I would'ne be a man. A weak man will forever be trampled and mocked. I guess that's all I'll ever be. Powerless.

The man who brought me into the shop wrapped a towel around my shoulders then sat me in a chair. His fingers snapped near my face, but I dinnae flinch.

[Marcus, *snapping*] "Hey, chap. Can you hear me?"

[English male 2] "Should we call for an ambulance?"

[Patrick panic] " No. Please, no !" I began to hyperventilate – I ran from my maw and now the police will put me in a cell because I dinnae follow orders. I'm royally fucked. This cannae happen. I cannae go to prison . "Don't call! Please, don't call!" I start mumbling to myself.

[English male 2] "Is he having an episode or something? I can't understand what he's saying. This kid's a total nutter!"

[Marcus] "No, ya tosser, it's a panic attack. Get the fuck outta here, will ya? You're not helping the boy." The man comes back into focus, eye-level with me. "Work through it, mate. Deep breaths. I assure you… no one is calling. Can you tell me your name?"

[Patrick upset and rushed] "I need to tell Lili I'm sorry. She's hurt because of me. I let it happen. She could've died . I dinnae save her."

There is nothing I can do or say to make things better for her. I will forever blame myself for what she's been through – and I shall take it with me to my grave.

[Marcus soothing] "We will find her, mate. Just calm down. Breathe slowly. Can you do that for me?"

[Patrick delirious] "It's all my fault – all my fault – all my fucking fault. [cry] She will never forgive me."

It's then the proverbial knife jabs itself deeper and I'm unable to draw breath. I'm choking. Lili's pained expression is all consuming as the claws of darkness wrap me in its jagged blanket.

Fer the first time ever, the warmth and pain of its embrace feels welcoming. My vision wavers as the grip on reality slips away and I submit to the black void.

Forgive me Lili.