Chapter 34

34

It's weird, being in bed in my childhood room, feeling like utter shit, and yet…it's sunny out. The sunshine is so bright and yellow, as happy as the line of sunflowers Nadia always plants by the mailbox, that I honestly feel offended. Dark clouds do come at my most painful thoughts…but then I will them away. And then they actually dissipate right before my eyes.

I've gotten what I thought I had wanted more than anything in this universe—my gift, whole, me , whole—and yet I couldn't care less.

I grab my phone for the umpteenth time in fifteen minutes to see if I have any more responses to my last post. There are a half-dozen texts from Carter—ranging from Good morning, mi esposa to How are you feeling????? to Hey, call me as soon as you see this, okay? I'm a little worried.

Last night I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I was going to spend the night at Nadia's. I feel guilty worrying him, but I'm stuck. My therapist would say this is the freeze state, triggered by a previous trauma. And I'm going to guess exactly what the trauma would be. Mama leaving me, alone, outside this very house, right in the middle of the night.

My deepest fear is that Carter will do the exact same thing to me. I mean…of course he won't steal my soul and take off in a big truck with someone else. But what if, now that he has the money, he's just waiting to have a conversation about ending the marriage? About kicking me out?

I don't know if I could survive that.