Chapter 17

17

My meeting with the private investigator was exactly forty-two minutes, even though I had paid for the full hour. But to be honest, I wasn't exactly having the best time so I didn't mind getting out of there a little early.

The guy's name is Gerald Samuels, and he's just this older white man who kind of reminds me of Jeremy Renner, with an almost cartoonish droopy face. He smells heavily like laundry detergent and faintly like cigars. I had the impression that he smoked a lot, and when he wasn't smoking, he was spraying Febreze on everything around and on him.

I'm in the parking lot, doing my breath work, when Sage calls.

"So, did you and Carter finally get it on?" she asks without even saying hello first.

I groan. "What do you think?"

"I think I watched that man's eyes gobble you up like you were his favorite candy, then throw you over your shoulder like a caveman and take you to bed."

"Where he gave me water and treated me like a gentleman, even after I flashed him."

At this, Sage laughs and I smile, just a teeny bit. "Where are you?" she asks.

"Outside the private investigator's office."

"Right. I wanted to ask you about that. 'Cause Nadia won't tell me a damn thing about Mama being in town."

"I heard her and Amá saying exactly that. Or, Amá was acting like she'd legit seen her, at least." I groan. "How are they so gossipy and private at the same time?"

"I'm sure they're thinking they're protecting us or something."

"Yeah, well, maybe they should have kept her from us before we even had the chance to know her, then."

Sometimes I imagine how it would have been if Mama had never left. Sage wouldn't have taken her place as our mother, and who knows, maybe I wouldn't have struggled so much with my mental health. Maybe Sky and I never would have taken that walk to Cranberry Falls State Park, or if we had, maybe I wouldn't have been fucked up in the head enough to think that walking on top of a railway next to a cliff would be fun. Sky would never have fallen. She never would have been essentially dead for eight whole years, from sixteen to twenty-four.

I rub my eyes. I guess they're still dry and stinging from my hangover.

"So can I ask you something?" Sage's voice is quiet and cautious.

"Sure. Why not."

"Why are you hiring a PI to find her? I mean…do you really want to see her that bad?" When I don't respond right away, Sage fills the silence fast. "I'm just saying, if she wanted to see us, to have a relationship with us, she could've done it one million times over by now. The fact that she hasn't…" She pauses. "I just don't want you to get hurt, too."

I keep my eyes closed for a long time, and when I open them and focus on the long low orange of the sunlight, draped over the pine and alder trees around me in this almost-empty parking lot, I swear I almost say it. I almost tell someone besides Carter that Mama took something from me. Something essential, something that I need back in order to be whole and lovable again. Something there is little chance of getting back, even with hiring the most reputable PI in town. Because Mama's gift, like, her actual superpower, is hiding. Which of course I can't tell Gerald Samuels about.

Asking even the most successful personal investigator on the planet to find Mama is like asking them to find a needle in a haystack, only the haystack is the size of a small country, and the needle is invisible.

Instead, I sigh out a totally different response. "I know, Sage. I'm not deluding myself. I don't think we're going to have some Hallmark-style mother-daughter reunion. I just want answers."

"Those would be nice," Sage agrees. "Well, let me know if you need any help or if you need to talk about anything."

It's nice to hear those words from her and not have the instinct to rear back and say something nasty. For a long time, I did just that. Every time Sage was nice to me, I would act like a total bitch. I realize now it's 'cause I had a hard time forgiving her for leaving. I can't stand the idea of being alone, really, and that was what happened after I lost both Sky and Sage the same summer. The worst year of my life.

Speaking of the long-lost sister, my phone rings with Sky's name the second I hang up with Sage.

"I have the answer to your problem," she informs me on speakerphone as I drive onto the highway, back to Carter's.

"Which one?" There are so many damn problems she could be referring to.

"You and Carter."

"Again, which problem?"

"The one where there's enough sexual tension between you two, you could stick a spoon in it and eat it with ice cream?"

I smile. It's definitely a sarcastic one. "Yeah?"

"You need to have sex with him."

Now I snort. "Sky, I know you went from sixteen to midtwenties in what was to you the blink of an eye, but you've got to know that's a bit of an obvious solution. One that I haven't exactly not tried." I haven't really tried it, either, but I would call my efforts at sleeping with Carter not- not trying.

"I mean, you need to do it at least once and get it out of your systems!"

I stare at the red light in front of me. "Get it out of our systems?"

"Yes! This trope is in, like, a fourth of Nadia's romance novels. They make a sex agreement. They do it at least once."

Oh, Christ. Not another romance novel trope. "And then they get over each other? Is that how those romances end?"

Sky pauses. "Well."

I shake my head. "I appreciate the offer, but I took my bra off in front of Carter last night and he acted like my chest was covered in feathers."

" Gah! " she screams. "Why can't you see how much he wants you?"

"It's mainly in the way he runs away from me."

"Just think about it. An agreement to get it out of your systems. Clean. Easy."

I decide it's been time to change the subject. "What about you and Adam Noemi?"

There's a long pause. "What about me and Adam?"

"Well, what trope are you going to use to lure him in? That should be your current focus. And you can't just ask him to eat your ass. He might get the wrong idea."

Sky and I are cracking up by the time I pull into Carter's driveway. "Maybe I want him to get the wrong idea," she muses, then sighs. "But he's back in New York City. I can't ask for an ass-eating anytime soon."

"Road trip!" I announce, and we laugh some more after Sky names it the Get Your Ass Eaten NYC Trip, and then I get out of the car and just stare at Carter's sweet blue house.

Get it out of our systems, huh? Why do I get the feeling Carter might be down for that?

"After the Velasquez family lunch," I murmur to myself. One thing at a time.