Chapter One

The casket is lowered into the ground, and that's that.

People I barely recognize through my blurry vision toss single red roses into the rectangular hole as they pass by to leave. To go home to live their lives with their loved ones. The ones that are still alive and breathing.

The flowers echo a soft whispering sound as they drop onto the shiny box that will hold my mother's remains for however long they keep caskets in the ground. It can't possibly be forever, right? I mean, the earth would surely run out of space.

Though the services are over, the crowd of people thinning by the second, I can't make my feet move. I can't pull my gaze from the hole in the ground.

The hole my mother is in.

The hole my mother will be in for—well, I just went over that, didn't I?

"Lex?"

I look up, and through my tear-filled eyes, I make out Bradyn's face. There's a frown upon it. One that seems to be there often nowadays. His mother is standing beside him, her eyes red, mascara smudged beneath her lids. She and Bradyn look so much alike. I've never noticed it before, but he's the perfect masculine version of her. Same shade of brown hair. Same shade of brown eyes. Same nose and chin… Slap a wig on him and you couldn't tell them apart.

I look away, bringing my attention back to the hole.

A hole in the ground… how barbaric? We just bury people in the ground? In the dirt? With the worms and the bugs and the cold? Stuff their lifeless, stiff, bagged-organs, drained-of-blood body into a box that costs thousands of dollars just for it to sit there… inthe dirt?

"Sweetie, if there is anything you need, please call." The voice has me looking up. Blinking.

Bradyn and his mother are standing a few feet from me. How long have they been there?

"I'm going to stay with her," Bradyn whispers to his mother. She nods, eying me carefully as if she thinks I'll attack her precious son.

I wonder if she knows what he did. Does she know her son cheated on me and ruined the perfect future we had planned out? What does she think of that? Probably doesn't care, since parents are like… hard-wired to love their kids and have blind eyes to every wrong thing they do. I'm sure she whispers about how it was my fault that he cheated, coming up with some kind of lame excuse about how I'm not pretty enough or popular enough.

I never liked her anyway, Bradyn.

You can do so much better than her.

That new girl is so much prettier.

His mom seems the type.

She was never rude to me, but never welcoming either. Just indifferent, I suppose.

Bradyn stands beside me, a blank look on his face as he stares ahead at the empty cemetery.

He looked the same way at our graduation last week. Wow… was that only a week ago? Feels like forever since then. Since my mom was murdered. Since I last saw Vesperon… It feels like forever, but it's hardly been any time at all.

I blink again, and there's Bradyn beside me. Why does he look so sad? I'm the one who was cheated on, the one who was betrayed. I should be the one who is sad. My mother is dead. I should be sad.

Then I remember Jordan…

Jordan is dead.

Dead like my mom.

Is he buried in the ground too?

Scott is still hanging on, but last I heard, it isn't looking good. He hasn't woken up and the doctors don't think he will. His parents have a decision to make: keep him alive by machines or take him off and see what happens.

There's a reason I avoid thinking about Scott or Jordan, and it has nothing to do with being sad.

Well, I guess it does. A little.

It has more to do with being numb.

That's all I've felt since he left.

Ves.

My Ves.

It's not that he left, actually. He didn't. He's still there, and that makes it worse. I go to the park every night, calling out to him. I know he's there, standing, watching, because I feel him. But he won't come out, and when I go into the woods to look for him, I never find him.

I'm sure he's there. He's always there.

Why is he doing this? Why is he pretending he doesn't know who I am?

The worst part is not having an answer.

That was the worst part about finding Bradyn with Cassie too.

Not knowing why.

And I realize now he never actually told me why, but I stopped caring anyway. Because I no longer care about Bradyn. Not the way I did, at least. I suppose he's still a friend. He's here. No one else is here. So, that should mean something, right?

Would knowing why Ves is acting like he doesn't know me help with this pain? Maybe I'll stop caring about him the way I stopped caring about Bradyn, this way it'll go away.

But that thought hurts too much, so it can't be true.

My pain for Ves is a different pain than I felt for Bradyn.

I want Ves back. I miss him. I don't want to get over him. I certainly don't want to forget him or stop caring about him.

Getting over Bradyn was natural. I never wanted him back. It was easy.

I miss the way Ves looked at me, the way he'd run his hand along my skin… or try to. It was feather light, barely a touch. It was never enough. That can't be all we get.

There has to be more.

That can't be it.

He is my mate, and I am his.

Ves said so himself. He loves me. I am his heart.

I am his fucking heart.

And you don't just leave your heart behind. You don't pretend like you don't recognize your heart because you need that fucking organ to live.

So why…

Why, Ves? Just… why?

"When's the last time you ate something?" Bradyn asks softly. Almost like he's afraid I'll attack him too. Maybe I should.

Hm… when is the last time I ate?

What day is it?

I look around, noting it's only Bradyn and I left. Everyone else is gone.

It's so empty and quiet. Even the air is clear. Free.

"Lex?"

I blink a few times, then meet Bradyn's concerned face. His bushy eyebrows knit together. There's that frown again.

"Yeah?"

"Food. When is the last time you had food?" he urges.

I shrug, then bring my attention back to the hole in the ground. "I dunno."

He moves in front of me, ducking to get eye level and placing his hands on my shoulders.

"I'm bringing you to get something to eat."

"There's no point," I answer.

He scoffs. "You're not doing this, Lex."

Bradyn pulls me to him, wrapping me in a hug. My arms are squished between us so I can't push him away, but I don't think I would anyway. Not because I enjoy being held by Bradyn, but because I don't have the strength or the will to do so.

"I know you're sad, Lex. You're hurt and feel like things will never get better, but you can't do this to yourself. She wouldn't like it."

She… as in my mother?

I turn my head.

There's that hole again.

I poke at the grilled potatoes with my fork, pushing them around my plate. I have no interest in eating, but Bradyn brought me here despite my argument. The diner is a popular one in town, but thanks to it being between the breakfast rush and lunch rush, it isn't too crowded.

I said I wasn't hungry. Bradyn said he didn't care and ordered me food. He's only doing this to make up for what he did to me. He needs my forgiveness so he can clear his own conscience.

"Eat your food, Lex. Please." He sighs and makes an annoyed sound.

I look up from my plate of scrambled eggs, potatoes, and bacon that must be cold by now.

"I'm not hungry." I push the plate away and drop the fork to the table with a clatter.

Bradyn groans, letting his head fall back. He mutters something incoherent. I stare at him as he continues to mumble under his breath. He pauses abruptly, then looks at me with darkened eyes. He leans close, hands flat on the table, lowering his voice.

"You will not do this to yourself, Lexia. You will eat this food, and then I'm going to take you home and make sure you get a bath and wash up. I mean, did you even brush your hair?" he hisses.

I run a hand over my head self consciously. It does feel a little greasy, and… wow, okay, that's a pretty big knot.

"Exactly," he says through gritted teeth. "Now eat." He jabs his finger toward the food.

We stare at each other for a long moment, and eventually, I relent and pick up the fork. I eat only a few bites, but it appeases him. When the waitress comes by, he asks for a box and puts the rest of my food in it. I don't bother telling him I'm only going to throw it away. He pays the bill and we leave.

When we get back to my house, he lets us in with a set of keys that look like mine. He drops them to the kitchen table, and I realize they are mine. When did he get those? He locks up the house, then goes to my room. I stand in the kitchen, not sure what to do. The house is so damn quiet. Empty. Even the air is different. Void of all the love that used to linger when my mother was around. The scent of her perfume or whatever food she cooked.

Bradyn walks out of my room and goes into the bathroom across from it. The shower starts up. Then he's walking toward me with confident steps. He stops in front of me and points down the hall.

"You can get in that shower on your own, or I can get you in there. Make your choice."

I step back, and he raises a brow in challenge. He isn't joking.

I sigh, then move past him and go into the bathroom. I close the door, but he shouts, "Leave it open!" I startle, pulling it open halfway and sighing.

I feel like a child in trouble.

I'm not worried about him coming in here, considering I did what he said, and Bradyn isn't a creep, so I get undressed and get into the shower.

Once I'm in, I don't want to get out. It all feels so good—the hot water, the soap, the scrubbing.

"You okay?" Bradyn asks, his tone softer than before. He sounds like he's right outside the shower curtain.

"Fine," I respond, running my fingers through my hair as the water rains over my face.

When he says nothing back, I assume he's gone.

I spend another few minutes under the hot spray before turning it off. Once I'm out with a fluffy towel wrapped around me, I brush my teeth and lotion my skin. Brushing my hair takes way too long, and I consider cutting it off because it would be easier than getting these tangles out.

When's the last time I brushed my hair?

When I'm done, I run my hand along the foggy mirror and take a look at myself. I barely recognize who I see. But on the inside, the numbness I feel is a familiar enemy.