Chapter One | Liam

Strings of twinkling overhead lights created a warm glow in the chic converted barn. The space had a romantic ambiance now that it was dark outside. Old, restored greying wooden boards surrounded us. Rugged rafters high above our heads. Tables with tall candelabras atop white tablecloths. Alongside the candles, large floral arrangements of fragrant white flowers and lush foliage in various shades of green. The result was perfection—so Noah. Brody knew him well.

They'd foregone music and any kind of dancing to avoid making Brody uncomfortable. This day was for them both. I was seated at the head table with Noah, Brody, and Jamal, Brody's best man. The food and drink were flowing, and the happy couple had never looked so … well—happy.

Noah and Brody's Wedding had brought out the feels in me. The ceremony had been beautiful and the vows meaningful. What Brody had pulled together to be spoken by the officiant was as stunning as we knew it would be. The opening words, asking us to bear witness to the union, some bits of Christian scripture, the indigenous blessings, the pagan significance of the rings, and the words of binding and commitment had dampened the corners of my eyes.

With the utterance of each word, my heart cracked open, the warm innards peering out, fascinated by what it was witnessing and feeling as I took in everything.

I looked down at my vodka and soda. Surprisingly, today had made me feel things I'd never felt before. Didn't know I was capable of feeling. Never something I imagined I'd hold an increasing need to embrace. I was growing more and more stirred as the evening progressed.

My plate of food stared up at me, the second section barely eaten. I'd started with the green salad, no dressing. Next was the chicken breast I had scrapped the cream sauce from. I'd torn apart and eaten some of it. Not sure why I served myself scalloped potatoes. Too many calories. Not an issue because they were in the third section of food. I rarely made it that far when eating.

My obsession with consuming one food on my plate at a time was something I'd done for as long as I could remember. When I was a teenager, I'd started sorting the foods by calorie count, creating a wheel of food I would eat through as far as I felt my body deserved, depending on how much exercise I accomplished that day. How much running and how long I spent at the gym.

I motioned to one of the attendants circulating to bring me another vodka and soda. I was doing my best to numb the sensation of longing brought on by the wedding. That emotion shouldn't be there. I didn't do relationships. My shoulders caved. My best friend and the love of his life had created a family that included children. Noah had explained it as a state of bliss.

I was handed my new drink; the empty glass taken away.

The emotion grew stronger. It's possible I ultimately wanted what Noah and Brody had. For now, the Salish Sea Society were my found family. I didn't anticipate being able to add to that. I loved the guys in our group. Would do anything for them. My loyalty was one of the positive attributes I cherished about myself. Maybe it was possible to feel that way about a one-and-only. Someone who could tear me away from my self-obsession. A massive negative attribute.

One person .

One person needed to come into my life. The one who would rein me in and tell me I was good enough. The one who would gently ease me off the destructive path I was on.

I know. I shouldn't expect someone to do that for me. But having someone by my side encouraging me to peel back and discard the bullshit I told myself every day would be a blessing.

I finished the drink that had been set before me mere moments before. My buzz was humming along nicely. Noah leaned against my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

"How many is that now?"

I shoved my chair back, prepared to stand. "One in a string of many more."

Noah sighed but didn't comment further. He went back to talking with Brody. I made my way from behind the table and headed for the guest seating area. There were five tables of four people each. It was nice that the wedding was small. I headed for my friends—and my date.

With Ethan, Daniel, and Owen sat Charlie. Or Charlotte to be exact. Charlie was decked out in full drag as Charlotte Dubois. He'd insisted, saying every gay wedding needed a drag queen in attendance. I didn't disagree in principle, but I would have appreciated a say in the matter.

Charlie was bull-headed. One of the growing number of things that irked me about him. We'd somehow fallen into something when our hookups had begun to include sleepovers. And the sleepovers had become more regular. Now, he stayed overnight at my place more nights than not.

To be clear though, we weren't boyfriends. If anything, we were fuck buddies with sleepover benefits. Trying anything more would rouse the fear I had in me. Even if Charlie was the guy for me, the commitment and responsibility of a long-term relationship terrified me. There's no way I wouldn't screw it up. I'd turned myself into a sexual creature—not a devoted loving one.

"Are you doing all right?" I stood beside Charlie's chair and crossed my arms.

"Wasn't what I was expecting when you asked me to come with you."

"You knew I was in the wedding party."

"Hadn't planned on being ignored."

"I'm here now, aren't I?" I swear, my eye twitched. "Can I get you another drink?"

"One of us has to be able to drive home." He stared up at me. "And as usual, it won't be you."

"It's a wedding. I'm allowed to drink."

Ethan saved me from what was about to turn into an all-out brawl. "We're discussing marriage. Owen obviously wants to find a husband, but Daniel and I aren't into the whole heteronormative feel of the thing. We don't need the public vows and legal documents. Where do you stand, Liam?"

"You know where I stand. I like to fuck around."

"You would never consider marriage?" Owen urged.

The answer to that question had become more complicated in the past few hours. I wasn't sure anymore. Maybe there was a man out there who could put up with me long-term.

"I didn't say that." That was my answer. Truth was, I had very little data to formulate any kind of impression of marriage. I'd grown up bounced around in care in dysfunctional foster homes.

Ethan's eyebrows rose as he looked at me. "Huh … curious." Then his gaze fell on Charlie—Charlotte. Whoever the hell he or she was today. Some days, I couldn't keep track.

"No prospects at the moment," I said and immediately felt guilty .

Charlie shoved his seat away, lines creasing his forehead, and stood. "You're an asshole." He shoved me aside and took off in the direction of the open barn doors.

Fuck.

I took a few steps to follow him. "I'm sorry. Charlie …." He waved me off. He was right. Saying what I had about him was a dick move. It seemed to be our auto-setting with each other.

"What the hell was that?" Owen asked as I sat in Charlie's vacated seat.

"He swears he's not developing feelings for me." I hitched my thumb over my shoulder. "And then he says and does something like that. I don't know why we keep this thing of ours going."

"I'm going to guess the sex is good," Daniel said.

I exhaled and rolled my eyes. "It's the angriest sex I've ever had. I think we might actually hate each other. But it works for both of us. The sex is beyond good." I took a sip of Charlie's abandoned wine and then finished the glass. "I'm off to the washroom."

I wove through the tables and found my way to the ornate mirror above a row of sinks. I released the knot on my tie, letting the lengths of material dangle onto my pecs, and popped open a few buttons on my shirt to expose my bare chest. I'd had a spray-tan session yesterday. The effect of my golden skin against my white shirt was stunning. I tugged my shirt open wider.

My hair was in a bun which I released, helping along the cascade of blond strands around my face to my shoulders with my fingers. Overall, I looked like one of those gallant men on the covers of steamy hetero-romance novels. I bit my lips a few times to puff and redden them .

I lifted my phone, my constant companion, and snapped a few pictures. Scanned through them, reset my pose, and took more. Out of at least thirty, I found one that was acceptable.

I posted it to my social media account with the caption— Will I get lucky tonight?

#bestman #wedding #toosexytofail

I took a minute to read through the comments on my last post. I'd been in the gym, working out. My followers liked my sweaty gym pictures where I showed off my rock-hard abs.

Most of the comments were positive.

cameoslut156: So hot!

diggerdog24: You're making me sweat!

sausagemonster67 : I want to lick those abs clean!

Then there were the ones that weren't. The ones that got under my skin.

porcelindick89: Cover up old man.

juggerwatcher11: You should be ashamed. Seen so much better.

darkhorse189: Why aren't you dead yet?

I wrinkled my nose. It was comments like that last one that got to me the most. I'd never considered suicide, but it sent me into a dark spiral knowing others wished me dead.

I decided to return to the gathering as is. It was getting late. I liked it when I was messy and sultry, and the drinks I'd consumed were doing their job of making me feel good about myself.

After swinging by the bar, I made a beeline to the head table. Noah and Brody were circulating through their guests, leaving Jamal sitting on his own at the far end of the table from my seat.

That wouldn't do.

I plopped myself down in the seat next to him.

"They abandon you?" I teased and swept my hair away from my face .

Jamal smiled at me. "Duties of the grooms, I suppose." He blinked at me, and I was immediately enthralled. Might have been the alcohol. Not sure. But his dark eyebrows and thick lashes capped eyes the deepest shade of brown I'd ever seen without the irises being fully black.

His breath quickened.

I was staring.

I cleared my throat. "Did you enjoy the ceremony?"

"It was beautiful, don't you think?"

"I did." Not quite as beautiful as Jamal, though. Beneath those alluring eyes, a strong nose—classical in its presentation. And pink lips on the plumper side of thin.

"Gave my heart a few flutters," he said.

I smiled. "Yeah … even got to me." Jamal was aware of the way I conducted my life. He followed me on social media and often liked my photos. Never commented on them. He knew I wasn't a relationship guy. That most days of my life consisted of getting by and getting laid.

"My parents' marriage was arranged," he said.

Really?

I leaned on the table. "How did that work out?"

"They fell in love. They're still going strong."

"Someone knew them well enough to set them up together." I took a long sip of my drink, enjoying the instant comforting effect. Jamal let his gaze roam over the sliver of my bare chest.

"I think most people can find common ground," he said.

I snorted. "I'll take your word for it." Jamal obviously hadn't been in the same room as me and Charlie when frustrations were running high. Our only common ground was sex.

"You have an argument against that?"

"Not one I want to get into. "

Jamal held still as my gaze wandered over his face, taking in all the little details. His skin, colour, and texture reminded me of a strong and smooth mocha cappuccino.

It was the perfect shade of darkness, and it was flawless.

Beautiful.

The only time I'd been in the same room as Jamal was at the fundraiser Noah had hosted at his pub to replace the stolen computers at the LGBTQ+ Rainbow Youth Centre. We hadn't spoken at that because I'd been busy running the bar. I held his gaze. I liked the sound of his voice.

"How are the computers working out at the centre?" I asked.

"They're great. Such a necessity, plus we have a couple of teachers who donate their time and help the youth with their homework. The computers are great for completing assignments."

"That'll make a big difference. Are they seeing improvements in their grades?"

"Across the board. Our kids will have a real fighting chance out in the world."

"I admire what you do. You actually care."

Jamal's eyelashes closed over his eyes as he dipped his head forward, a slight uptick in his cheek. "Thank you. It's a labour of love." He set his gaze back on me. Intense. I could see myself happily drowning in the depths of those eyes. "You should come by the centre sometime."

Something came over me. "Should we exchange numbers?"

Jamal blinked and his eyebrows raised. "Our cell numbers?"

I laughed. "I don't have any other kind of numbers."

"Right." Jamal nodded. "Right." He swallowed, unlocked his phone, and handed it to me. "Did you know the first cell phone was made on April 3, 1973? "

I grinned as I passed my phone to him. "No, I did not know that."

"The first SMS text message ever said Merry Christmas ."

I entered my number into his cell. "I hope it was Christmas time."

Jamal frowned as we passed our phones back. "I don't know the answer to that."

"Something to look up."

Jamal held up his phone. "So … do you want me to text you about stopping by the centre?"

Yeah, that had to be confusing, why I'd asked for his number. Not sure I know why I did other than I felt a desperate need to figure out a way to see and spend time with Jamal. "I thought we could hang out sometime. We have Noah in common. Might be fun."

A smile lit up Jamal's face, sending waves of addictive ripples through my skin.

His was an expression of pure joy.

"He wouldn't be there to defend himself," he said, straightening his back.

"We could be ruthless."

"That does sound like fun."

"He's easy to pick on," I said.

Jamal's shoulders relaxed. "You've known him for a long time."

"Since the start of junior high school."

"You love him."

I chuffed out a laugh. "Guilty. Noah is the best friend a guy could ever have."

"I like that the four of you are so close. It speaks well of you all."

"Are you talking about us?" Noah sat beside me. I was in Brody's chair. He stood behind me and waited silently. I wrapped my arm around Noah's shoulders and kissed the side of his head.

"All good stuff," Jamal replied and wheeled himself backward and away from the table. For the past few minutes, I'd forgotten he was in a wheelchair. "Nice talking to you, Liam."

"You too, Jamal."

Noah smiled at me. "He's been wanting to do that for a while."

"What?"

"Talk to you. He's been hearing about you for years from me."

"Not much to talk about when it comes to me."

Noel laughed. "He's developed an appreciation."

What was I supposed to say to that? Me too? I went with, "Seems like a nice guy."

I watched Jamal's broad shoulders as he rolled past the tables and out through the doors. Maybe he'd find Charlie out there … if he hadn't left without me. Wouldn't be the first time Charlie had abandoned me to find my own way home of late.

He was just right to do it. With my increase in alcohol consumption, I didn't recognize who I'd become. Certainly not someone who would make a good partner.

Turns out, he waited for me until the reception wound down and I finished my last drink. He even helped me undress before I fell into bed. I don't remember him coming to bed after stripping away his drag persona. Small graces. I wasn't in the mood to have sex.

Spending time with Jamal had amplified the feelings Noah and Brody's wedding had churned up in me. For once, my attraction toward someone wasn't all about sex.

Maybe I did want more in my life.

But was I capable of it? Maybe I simply wasn't built that way .

Men loved me for my body—only.

Perhaps I needed to continue to make peace with that.