Chapter Eight

Once they entered her home, Levi helped her remove her coat and hung it on a hook, then removed his and hung it beside hers. He turned to look at her to see her staring at him and he knew he had to tell her. He had to be honest with her, or their relationship was doomed.

After she got them both a cup of coffee, he took her hand and led her to the sofa. He took a deep breath, blew it out, and looked at her.

“Tell me about your ex and why you divorced, first.”

“He hit me,” Kinley answered bluntly.

“Son of a bitch,” Levi growled in anger. “Often?”

Kinley let out a heavy sigh. “It only happened once, but that was more than enough for me. Our relationship used to be good, and I truly believed he was the love of my life. He never laid a hand on me when we dated.”

“Typical,” Levi muttered, but motioned for her to go on.

“We had been married for eight months, and looking back, I should have seen the signs. But as they say, love is blind. He became increasingly angry and would throw things or hit things in fits of rage. One night, during an argument over nothing, he walked away from me, and I suggested he get counseling before he seriously hurt someone in a moment of anger. That set him off even more. He suddenly turned around and backhanded me. I was shocked; I never thought he would actually hit me.”

“I wish I had him in front of me right now.”

“I made it clear to him when we first started dating that if he ever laid a hand on me, no matter how long we were together, I would leave him. After he hit me, he couldn’t apologize enough and promised it would never happen again. But I knew it would. I played along with his apology, because I knew if I told him I was leaving, there was no telling what he would have done to me, so the next morning, while he was at work, I packed my things and left. I stayed with Addison until I could find my own place. She told me I could stay as long as I needed, but I didn’t want to impose on her.”

“What happened to him?”

“He did everything he could to try and get me back, but there was no way I was going to go back to him. When he realized our marriage was over, his true colors came out and the threats started. I thought about filing a restraining order, but I knew a piece of paper wouldn’t stop him from trying to scare me. He terrified me.”

“I can understand that. But I’m glad you were able to get away from him. It wouldn’t have stopped at just once, and each time it would have gotten worse.”

“I know, but it’s a hard decision to make. You try to justify their actions by thinking they didn’t mean to hurt you and they won’t do it again, but they do. I can see why women have a hard time leaving their abusers; it’s scary and you feel trapped.”

“Did you report the abuse at all? ”

“No, I was too scared. I thought it would only make him angrier. But I did threaten to call Sam if he didn’t leave me alone. And the day he was served with divorce papers, he called me and threatened to make my life miserable.”

“Did he?”

“I just told him he had already done that and to leave me alone or else I would go to the sheriff.”

“So, where is he now?” Levi picked up his coffee cup and took a sip.

“Honestly, I have no idea. I heard he left Clifton about a year ago.”

“Do you think he’ll come back?”

Kinley looked at him and shrugged. “I wouldn’t put anything past him, but if he does and bothers me, I will go to Sam.”

“I hate men like him,” Levi muttered, as he clenched his fists.

“You sound like someone who has experienced this firsthand.”

He knew all too well the horrors of a man who used violence against women, and the immense difficulty for the victim to escape such abuse. He felt a sense of relief that Kinley had managed to break free from that despicable person. Some women, he knew, were paralyzed with fear and unable to even attempt to leave their abuser.

Kinley reached out and placed her hand on his, causing him to jerk and take a deep breath.

“I didn’t mean to bring up painful memories,” she said softly.

“It’s alright,” he replied with a huff.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong. ”

“I’m sorry if you’ve experienced something similar in your life.”

He stole a glance at her before looking away. “Me and my mother.”

“Tell me where your father is.”

“Prison.” Levi stared at her.

Kinley gasped. He knew that was the last thing she expected to hear.

“Are you ready to tell me now?” she asked gently.

Levi let out a sigh. “Yeah. My… father, God, I hate calling him that. For as long as I can remember, he was always abusing me and my mother. He would call us names, say we were worthless, telling her she even gave him a son he never wanted and hated.” He shrugged as Kinley gasped in shock. “He was a horrible excuse for a human being. He was a mean drunk.”

“He hit you?”

“Plenty of times, but not as much as he did my mother. One time, he had my mother pinned against the wall with his hands around her throat. I jumped on his back to try and stop him, but then he let her go, tossed me off his back, and backhanded me across the face. I hit the floor. When I tried to get up, he put his foot on my chest and warned me to stay out of it or I’d be next. And I knew he wasn’t kidding, so even though he was hurting my mother, there was nothing I could do. She even told me to run.” Levi shook his head. “I ran to my room and covered my ears to block out the sound of her voice begging him to stop.”

“How old were you?”

“That time, I was twelve. ”

“Oh my God! I can’t believe what you went through.”

“Like many women in abusive relationships, she initially downplayed the violence and claimed it was just a heated argument. She made sure to wear shirts that would hide any evidence of physical harm. But when I was fifteen, I walked into the kitchen and saw him pushing her against the wall with his fist raised. I couldn’t let him hurt her again. I had grown taller and stronger than him, so I grabbed his arm and spun him around. I punched him hard enough to knock him to the floor, then straddled him and continued to hit him while yelling, ‘now you know how it feels!’” Levi paused, clearing his throat. “But my mother begged me to stop and tried to pull me off him, out of fear of what he would do to me. But I didn’t care. I told her I hated him and begged her to leave, but she wouldn’t. So, I stayed, but I became just like him.” Kinley gasped in shock. “Not by physically abusing others, but by turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism. It numbed the pain for a while. I dropped out of school and turned to stealing or paying people for alcohol. The last time he beat her, I wasn’t there. By the time I got home, police cars were everywhere.”

“What happened?”

“The bastard killed her.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he beat her so bad that she ended up in a coma. He just kept hitting her over and over again until she lost consciousness. The neighbors called nine-one-one, asking for an ambulance and the police. Two days later, she died.”

“I’m so sorry, Levi.”

“It was a long time ago, but at least she got away from him.”

“But you will never forget it. What happened after that?”

“When the authorities arrived, he had already fled. They asked me what happened, and I told them everything he did to us. They managed to find him later that day. For years after, I couldn’t sleep without hearing her crying in my nightmares. She didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. No one does, but she was an incredible mother. He had her so scared that she felt trapped and couldn’t leave him. Child protective services took me away and I never saw him again. I promised myself that if I ever did, I would kill him. At his trial, he was convicted to spend twenty-five years to life in prison, with the possibility of parole. Twenty-five fucking years for taking someone’s life. He has been behind bars for almost thirty years now, and I hope he never gets out.”

“Levi, I’m so sorry.”

“She should have left him a long time ago, but she stayed because of me. She needed his money to survive because he wouldn’t allow her to work.” He sighed heavily. “Wouldn’t allow her to work.” His jaw tightened with anger at the memory.

“You can’t blame yourself for everything that went wrong. It was his fault, not yours.”

He shrugged. “I was placed in foster care but ran away after only six months. I lived on the streets for a year, constantly hiding to avoid being found. I never finished high school, instead getting my GED. Dropping out is not something I’m proud of, but I had to keep running. There was no way I was going back to foster care. When I turned sixteen, I ended up in Clifton and found a job at a ranch and never looked back. My boss, Mr. Brown, is still one of the best men I know.”

“He had to have known you were underage.”

“He did, but he told me he could see in my eyes that I needed some good in my life, so he hired me.”

“Is he still alive?”

“Yes, but after his wife passed away from cancer, he couldn’t continue without her. He sold the ranch and moved to Idaho to be close to his daughter, he seems content. I didn’t care for the new owner, that’s how I ended up with Cody. Mr. Brown and I still stay in touch through email.”

“He showed you what a real family should be.” Tears flowed down her face. “Didn’t you have any other family you could have stayed with?”

“No, neither of my parents had siblings. My maternal grandmother died when I was ten, followed by my grandfather a year later. My paternal grandparents didn’t want me. To be honest, I was relieved because they were just as cruel as my father.”

“I can’t even imagine going through something like that. It’s heartbreaking.”

“No man who raises his hand against a woman, child, or animal is a real man.”

“I wholeheartedly agree. In high school, I had a friend whose father used to beat her and her mother. She would come to school with bruises all over her body that she tried to hide, but one day in gym class it was impossible to hide them. A teacher finally called the police, and CPS took her away from her parents; her grandparents raised her after that. Sadly, I never saw her again after that incident, but one of our teachers told us what happened, and I still remember her telling us girls to never let a man raise his hand to us. That stuck with me when my ex hit me.”

“I’m glad that teacher was able to make an impact on you. It’s heartbreaking to see women stay in abusive relationships because they’re afraid to leave. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

“That’s why you were so emotional about getting the cabin.”

“Yes. I haven’t met many good people before coming here.” He took her hand in his and kissed her palm. “There are a lot of good people in Clifton and that’s why I decided to stay here.”

She touched his cheek. “I’m so glad you did.”

“Kinley, I want to spend my life with you…”

“But?”

He sighed. “I’d get married but, I will not have kids.”

“Ever?”

“No. I told you about the alcohol, but I didn’t tell you how bad it got. Every weekend, I’d get so drunk that I’d pass out. It was the only way to keep my mind off the things I’d been through. At first, during the week, my job kept me too busy to think about it, and I’d be so tired by the time I was finished, I’d fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But I had weekends off and I’d drink.” He shook his head. “I haven’t had a drink in twenty-five years. I started drinking at sixteen and drank for a year. I was good at hiding it until Mr. Brown found me passed out in the barn one weekend. Deep down, I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t care. Alcohol made me forget everything, especially the pain of losing my mother to that bastard and how I lost her. Mr. Brown got me through it. He was a recovering alcoholic. He knew the signs and the path I was heading down. I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I knew when I started craving it any time of the day that’s where I was headed. He helped me quit drinking, though it was hard, but because of him, I made it. He was more a father to me than the monster whose name is on my birth certificate.”

“But why won’t you have kids?”

“Because I have that bastard’s blood running through my veins. What if I turn out to be just like him?”

“I don’t believe that would happen.”

Levi shrugged. “I’m not taking that chance. I know I’d never want to raise my hand to you or a child, but I don’t know what I’d do in a fit of rage.” He looked at her. “I have a bad temper. Just like him.”

“You are nothing like him,” she said.

“I will not take that chance.”

“Where do we go from here, Levi?”

“That’s totally up to you. If you want me to leave you alone, I’ll walk out that door and you’ll never see or hear from me again, but I hope you don’t want that. I love you, and I’d love to have you in my life, but kids are out of the question. I don’t drink now, and I don’t want to hurt anyone, but who knows? As much as I hate it, he is my father. His father was abusive and so was his grandfather. As I said, you’ll never convince me otherwise and I won’t chance it. At this point in my life, even after all I’ve been through, I don’t want a drink. It doesn’t appeal to me at all anymore, but anything could change all that. If something tragic happened in my life, who knows how I’d react. It’s not that I’d want a drink, it’s that I would remember how it eased my pain, and I have learned to control my temper, but I can’t sit here and say I’d never hurt anyone when I don’t know what would happen if I did get drunk over something that happened.”

“I don’t believe it’s hereditary.”

“I’ve looked into it and researchers have found thatviolence does often pass from parent to child, creating a cycle of abuse, though they say it isn’t hereditary. So, I can’t- won’t take that chance.”

“I’m sorry,” Kinley said softly.

“For what?”

“For everything you’ve gone through.” She shook her head and looked at him with tears in her eyes and it about brought him to his knees.

“I’m sorry, too.”

“For what?”

“Not being able to give you what you want.”

She wrapped her arms around his waist.

“ You are what I want.”

“Are you saying you’d be alright without having kids?”

She stared into his eyes. “I did want to have kids one day, but I don’t want to lose you.” She shrugged. “If we don’t have kids, I’d still have you. ”

Levi smiled, and hugged her. “What did I do in my life to deserve you?”

“Just lucky I guess,” she said with a smile, making him chuckle.

****

Kinley filled another prescription and smiled as she rung the order up, then handed the bag to the customer.

“Have a wonderful day, Mrs. Walker.”

“You too, honey. Happy New Year.”

“Same to you.” Kinley smiled as the woman walked out, then went back behind the counter. “We’re busy today.”

“A lot of people had doctor appointments after Christmas,” Addison said.

“Yeah, it’s like this every year.”

“You’re coming to the house Friday, right?”

“Yes, we’ll be there.”

“I love how happy you are.”

“Just like you and Cody.” Kinley smiled.

“Has he brought up marriage?”

Kinley shook her head. “Yes, but there’s so much in his past...”

“What?”

Kinley nibbled on her bottom lip. “It’s a long story and not mine to tell. But, we have discussed marriage.”

“I see.”

“I’d have to talk with him first before I can say anything. I can’t betray his trust.”

Addison nodded. “Good for you, but if he says you can tell me, you’d better.”

Kinley laughed. “I will. ”

When the chime sounded again, both her and Addison groaned, then laughed.

“I can’t wait for this day to end, then tomorrow is half a day.”

“Did you hear we’re supposed to have another snowstorm New Year’s Eve?”

Addison gasped. “No!”

“Yep. I think I’ll stay with Levi the night before.”

“Then you could come to the house, and we can celebrate together as planned.”

“Yeah, I’m sure we can make it from his place.”

“I have to get some champagne,” Addison commented.

“Uh, okay, but I won’t be drinking that.”

“Why not?”

Kinley sighed. “Levi doesn’t drink and I don’t want him to feel left out.” She shrugged. “I don’t need champagne.”

“He doesn’t drink at all?”

“No.”

“I see. Well, good for him. We can have fun without it.” Addison smiled.

Kinley smiled. “Thank you.”

“I’m sure Cody would rather have beer anyway.”

Kinley nodded. She hoped Levi told Cody about his past. She knew he wanted to, but as far as she knew, he hadn’t yet.

****

Thursday morning, Levi sat at his desk in his office, reviewing the payroll for the week. As he studied the numbers on his computer screen, the door swung open, and Cody walked in.

“Hey, Cody,” Levi greeted him.

“Levi. Are you busy?” Cody asked.

“Just finishing up with payroll. Did you need something?” Levi replied.

“You are coming to the house for New Year’s Eve, right?”

“Yeah, Kinley and I will be there.”

“Addison wants to have a small gathering. Just us, you and Kinley.”

“That sounds good to me. At least I won’t have to deal with crazy drivers on the roads.”

Cody pulled up a chair and sat across from Levi at his desk. “You said you wanted to talk to me. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I actually wanted to thank you for the cabin and land—” Levi began.

“I already told you it’s no problem,” Cody interrupted with a smile.

“I know, but there’s something about my past that I haven’t shared with you yet, and I feel like I need to.” Levi felt uneasy at the thought of telling his boss.

“Levi, whatever it is, it doesn’t change anything between us,” Cody reassured him.

“Thank you. But please let me explain,” Levi pleaded.

“Of course,” Cody nodded.

Levi took a deep breath and told Cody everything he had told to Kinley.

“I started drinking because...” Levi trailed off, struggling to swallow the lump in his throat. “My father beat my mother to death. He’s in jail now, serving a sentence of twenty-five years to life. And it kills me that he could get out anytime now. I drank on weekends and quit when I was eighteen because my boss found me passed out and helped me through it. I was close to becoming an alcoholic. Mr. Brown was a recovering alcoholic and knew the signs. He told me I was in what some called a pre-alcoholic stage, there is little evidence of someone being a problem drinker. It’s when alcohol tolerance develops as the person begins drinking more regularly as a coping mechanism for anxiety, stress, or other emotions. I know I should have told you all this when you hired me, but it’s not something I’m proud of. But I haven’t touched alcohol for twenty-five years. I thought it was important for you to know.”

“Wait. I remember you saying you were getting a beer at the engagement party.” Cody stared at him.

“Yeah, I lied about that, and I hated doing it, but I didn’t want to bring up my past with you yet. I planned to tell you, but it seemed like I never got the chance. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“That’s why you were so shocked about us giving you the cabin,” Cody said quietly.

“Yes,” Levi replied with guilt in his voice. “I didn’t feel like I deserved it after all that had happened to me. For close to a year, I lived on the streets.”

“You do deserve it, Levi,” Cody reassured him firmly. “You’re one of the best men I know. Your early years were rough, but you turned your life around.”

“I did, but I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I had another tragic episode in my life, Cody. ”

“I don’t think you would go back to alcohol. You know what it did to you,” Cody interrupted with conviction. “You’re strong and you know what you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry about your mother. I hope that bastard rots in hell once he dies.”

“I appreciate you and Addison giving me the cabin and land, but if you don’t feel comfortable taking that chance on me…”

“No need to worry about that, Levi. We wouldn’t have given it to you if we didn’t have faith in your ability to take care of it. I can see why you turned down a beer now.”

“I know I don’t want it now, but as I said, if something were to happen to make me go back to it…”

“Well, if something would happen to make you feel like you might think you need a drink, just call me. I’ll be here for you.”

Levi swallowed hard. “Thank you for that. Besides you and Kinley, no one else knows. I love her, but I’ve told her that I don’t want kids. I’m too afraid I’m like my old man. As for me and Kinley, we’re figuring things out right now.”

“Is she alright with that?”

“She said all she wants is to be with me.” Levi grinned.

“So, what are you going to do?” Cody shrugged.

“We’re talking about it.” Levi shrugged.

“I hope it works out since Kinley is Addison’s best friend and you’re one of my closest friends too. What are we supposed to do if it doesn’t work out? Not invite one of you over for the holidays?”

Levi shook his head. “I don’t know. We’ll deal with it if it comes to that.”

“I don’t see you becoming abusive to anyone. But, honestly I’ve heard how it can show up in children of abusers.”

“Yes, that’s true and it scares me so much that I won’t chance it.”

Cody stood up. “I’m glad you told me all this. No one will hear it from me.”

“You can tell Addison if you want.”

“Okay.” Cody reached out his hand toward Levi. “Your past doesn’t change how much we value you here.”

Levi stood and shook his hand. “Thank you.”

“We won’t have any alcohol then.”

“You can have alcohol; I’ll just stick to soda.”

“We’ll see.” Cody walked toward the door, then turned back toward Levi. “I mean it, Levi. You’re a good man. See you later.” He left and closed the door behind him.

Levi sighed as he watched the door close. He wished he could believe that. But more than that, he wished he could give Kinley what she wanted. Because he’d never loved anyone as much as he loved her and losing her would devastate him.