CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO Cole

At first, I wasn't sure what was happening when I came out of the tall grass and could see Chad on the lower deck. I'd taken Marla's advice and decided to speak with him directly rather than create issues in my head, something I was quite good at.

I made my way further along the trail to investigate and started up the steps, making it halfway. He was facing me, but whoever had him in their arms was unknown to me. I knew this, though. Whoever it was, was a giant of a man. His back was massive, and he made Chad seem like a mere child in his arms. I was instantly devastated over what I was witnessing, jealous of whoever it was with Chad in their arms.

The stranger had his face nuzzled into Chad's neck and the vision appeared sexual to me, especially considering how Chad had his arms around the man's neck in return. As soon as Chad's eyes opened, he spotted me. I knew guilt when I saw it and I felt like I'd interrupted something trial worthy.

"Cole," he cried. He pushed the man away and then the stranger turned to me as well. I was a big guy. Fit and muscular, but this guy was a whole different breed of man entirely. His muscles had muscles, those muscles had muscles. His entire body was several generations of muscle.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," I mumbled, turning to leave.

"You haven't," Chad defended. I was back down the steps quickly. "Wait up," he yelled. I hurried and started making my way down the trail before he grabbed my arm after running me down. "Stop, will you?"

"No," I stated, brushing his hand away. "I saw enough."

"You saw nothing, Cole," he said. "You saw me hug a friend is what you saw."

"A friend with his lips on your neck," I argued. "He was… he… you two…" I lost my train of thought.

"I was doing nothing," he insisted. "You saw nothing of the sort."

"Who is…" I began, before realizing exactly who that was. "Is that Clint?" I asked. "He's still here?"

"He is, but he was just leaving. We just finished a talk about us," he said.

"A talk about us? Me and you? Or you and him?"

"Not me and him," he defended. "And no, not us, like you and me, but like Clint and me not being, you know, me not going back to him."

His confusing answer did nothing to assuage my fears. "So, he does want you back?" I asked, immediately forgetting that I owed Chad a chance to speak, but I was, as usual, overcome with insecurities. Alan had left me, so naturally, Chad would, too.

"Yes," he answered. "He does, but I'm not going. I've told him that already. What you saw was me saying goodbye."

"Clint was basically manhandling you, Chad."

Chad crossed his arms after my accusation. "He was not manhandling me," he stated emphatically. "I do not get manhandled by men without wanting to be manhandled."

"Then why the attitude?" I asked. "You looked suspicious."

"Suspicious?" he questioned. "You think I deserve to be referred to as suspicious?"

"Hey? What's going on here?" the stranger asked, appearing suddenly out of the tall grass and stepping between Chad and me. "You need to back the fuck up, mister fancy pants."

Chad yanked who I assumed was Clint back and placed his hand on his chest to calm him. My eyes locked onto that movement immediately. I'd witnessed enough.

"I'll do better than back off," I hissed, turning and leaving.

"That's right, buddy," Clint yelled after me. "I'll kick your ass."

I came out of the grass and off the trail, meeting the softer sand above the shoreline. I wanted to keep walking straight ahead and into the Atlantic so I could drown myself. Nothing went my way, and I was tired of things being that way.

"I'll kick your ass," he'd hollered after me.

"Classy," I muttered. "Real fucking classy."

I made my way home, trudging up the trail and muttering about how my life sucked. After taking Chad to his parents after his outburst, and thinking he wasn't over Clint, and then listening to Marla as she convinced me to step up for once and determine what Chad had decided, I was beaten down again.

Why couldn't I be brave? I could not convince myself that what Chad and I had shared was of any importance to him. I'd let the one time we ran into an issue, turn belief in an ‘us,' to believing there was no us. I'd thought I'd made progress concerning grieving over Alan and his betrayal but refused to believe that Chad cared for me. Why did I do that to myself?

And, of course, Clint stood up for Chad on the trail. I looked like a weak fool who had jumped to conclusions. Clint was big and powerful, a real man's man, while I acted accusatory and pathetic.

I threw myself onto a chaise lounge and glared at the horizon, hating my life. "Fuuucccckkkk!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Jesus! Why?" I asked, closing my eyes tightly to block out the sun.

Ten or more minutes passed as I ran a thousand images of my life through my mind. Every single thought was, ‘why couldn't I believe in myself?' How much more time would I need to heal and move forward?

I needed to trust something, someone, but couldn't see past what had happened the last time I'd committed. That was three years ago and still, I struggled to find safety in trusting my heart to anyone. I wanted to. I needed to.

"Feel better now?"a voice I recognized asked.

"Do I look like I feel better, Jack? And where the fuck have you been?" I muttered, not caring to check my surroundings anymore for a voice I knew was in my head.

I wasn't surprised I was talking to myself lately. Why not? Everything else felt like I was steps from the looney bin. I swore I could see Jack as if he were standing right there on the patio, even if my eyes were closed tightly.

"He is not Alan,"Jack thought, or said, or whatever the fuck he did to meddle. "Stop lumping everyone into the Alan category."

"I'm not," I whispered. "I'm not. And who are you, really?"

"Who do you think I am?"

"I think you're a pain in my ass, is who I think you are."

Was I speaking out loud? Had I finally lost my mind? Maybe my pretend conversations with Jack were really me talking myself through things and using Jack's entity as my sounding board. Either way, didn't seem helpful or of sound mind.

"Good. Then you know who I am."

"Go bug Chad and leave me alone."

"I'm done with Chad. He's more than able to make his own decisions nowadays. You, however, are a different issue entirely."

"What do you know?" I asked, my eyes closed while my mind continued a full-blown conversation with my dead best friend.

"I know you need to forget your one experience with love. Why lay your hurt at Chad's feet?"

"Who are you talking to?" a different voice asked.

I startled, and my eyes popped open. Chad stood at my feet. I scrambled to sit upright, embarrassed beyond belief.

"No one," I stated.

Chad's eyes narrowed. "You were talking to Jack," he whispered. I said nothing, avoiding eye contact. "You gave me grief when I first met you and now you're talking to him?"

"I'm listening, not talking," I fibbed. "I don't talk to dead people."

"Well, he isn't talking to me lately," he said sadly. "Trust me, I've tried listening for him," he added. He sat on the end of the chaise.

"That's how you do it?" I inquired. "You listen for his voice?"

"Sometimes," he admitted. "And then sometimes I just speak to him directly." Chad stood back up and walked to the edge of the patio before turning around. "He's not responding to me for some reason."

"Was that why you drove to The Hamptons?" I asked, standing. "To try to get closer to him?"

"Why are you so… so… sudd…" he began, me interrupting by raising a hand toward him.

"Suddenly interested?" I asked. "Not freaking the fuck out like I did a few months back?"

"Yeah, that. Why aren't you?"

"Who knows?" I admitted. "Who the fuck even knows anymore?"

We stood side by side but didn't speak. He faced the ocean, and I faced my house, leaning back against the patio railing with my arms crossed, closed off to feelings.

"Was he there? In The Hamptons?" I asked.

"How'd you even know I went there?" he asked. "That was a long time ago," he added.

"Full disclosure?" I asked. He nodded. "I went looking for you at the hotel you worked at after missing you and wanting to get to know you better after we first met. A person there let it slip you'd gone there."

"You liked me that way back then? Even after firing me on day one?" he asked. "You liked me enough to stalk me?"

"Yeah, enough to stalk you," I confessed.

He moved closer to my side, nudging me affectionately. "I went to Perry's old house to ask Jack about you," he revealed. "For some odd reason, I'd hoped Jack might be hanging around there."

"What'd he say?" I asked.

"Fuck all is what he said."

I turned to him, my eyes doubled in size. "I've never heard you curse."

"Yeah? Well, blame Jack the next time you hear from him. I felt I needed Jack to tell me you were the one, but he hasn't."

"So you're angry with Jack?" I asked, looking into his stunning eyes. "Jack hasn't abandoned you, Chad."

"How do you know that?" he asked, tearing up.

"I just do," I replied. "I don't know how I know, or why I know, but I do."

"So now you believe I used to hear Jack's voice, feel his presence?"

I felt tears flooding my eyes, and I began nodding my head slowly. "I do," I admitted. "And I believe he sent me here. I think he wanted me in Virginia Beach. This very town. Even this house."

"Why?" he asked hoarsely. "He sure isn't giving me confirmation." He cleared his throat. "Why do you think he wanted you here?"

"He wanted me to meet you. He wanted me to meet someone that is exactly like he was."

"And how am I like Jack?"

I reached for his hand. "You are breathtaking for starters," I began. "You are direct, yet innocent. You're weird, but in a good way. You see the world with wonder, just like Jack did. You expect good things to happen. Not want, but expect, and there's a huge difference in that approach."

"Anything else?"

"And… well… I needed Jack. Jack was everything that I'm not. Jack was better at everything. He was brave, and he was adventurous. He was funny and smart. Jack knew about love. He gave love. To everyone, endlessly, and all the time. He understood I was none of those things, but he still loved me," I explained. "I could never figure out why he did."

I paused and thought about how much of an influence Jack had been on my life. He'd counseled me and made me feel safe enough to trust loving Alan. I couldn't have made the commitment without his direction and guidance. "I needed Jack."

"You said that already, Mister Hicks."

"I truly feel that he knew I needed you, Chad. He knew I could never function in a world without a Jack, so he sent me to find my very own Jack."

"And you truly believe that?" he asked, tears escaping his beautiful eyes.

"I do," I stated. "And I don't think he's telling you what to do any longer because he thinks you can make up your own mind now. You don't need Jack's permission," I offered. "I'm certain that is exactly what he is doing. You see, Chad, I knew Jack in person, but I didn't truly know how special Jack was until I met someone like him. Until I met you."

"Have you told him that yet?" Chad asked.

"I just did," I said. "And I will only ask you this one time, I promise."

"Okay."

"Are you over Clint?"

Chad took his time answering. I was sure that he wanted to be sure he answered my question carefully and with his usual purpose.

"Yes, but I will always be his friend," he clarified. "He'll remain an important person to me, but never more important than the man I am in love with."

"Is that man me?"

"It is you, Mr. Hicks."

I reached for his hand, holding it gently. "Can you help me believe again?" I asked. "I'm not good at these things. I am riddled with self-doubt and fear of love—all the things that I am certain are the killers of love and happiness. I always compare myself and my abilities to others, knowing damn well that comparison is the thief of joy."

Chad came to stand in front of me and held my chin, making sure I could read his face and his intention. "When I love, I love deeply, and I commit to that love. I want to be with you, Cole."

I swept his bangs from his eyes as a slight breeze tousled his hair. The sun caught his brilliant blue eyes, and they flashed pure love into my heart.

That was the thing about Chad. He was a vessel for pure love. No wonder Jack found him.