CHAPTER FORTY-TWO Cole

The days that followed us saying we liked one another were spent with Chad leaving early for his new project, and me, newly motivated, expanding my ideas regarding the patents I held in software. A hopeful attitude and a mind that spent less time being miserable added measurable differences to my motivation.

I already had more money than a person could conceivably spend in a lifetime, but I hadn't been focused on the professional side of my life since Alan left me. I went through the motions of keeping my software updated for new operating devices, or a company's need to update the way they did business, but hadn't created any new enhancements or ideas in a decade. I was fortunate my software was universally easy to adapt to different users and continued to sell well.

I liked to rise with Chad each morning when we'd snuggle, or have sex, and then share a cup or three of coffee while he made breakfast for us. He often flitted around the kitchen while cooking in only briefs, his raw sexuality lighting my testosterone on fire. He was so damn cute and positive every morning. I'd never met or witnessed a human that started their day with the attitude that he did. To put it simply, he was a joy to be around.

I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, my fingers caressing his taught stomach. "You are a virtual ray of sunshine, handsome."

He wiggled free and spun around, his face beaming. Here again, that ray of sunshine bursting forth from possibly the most handsome face ever. "And you give me a reason to feel that way," he said, standing on his toes and kissing my nose. "I'm happy here, Mr. Hicks," he added.

He went back to making our omelets, dropping fresh, diced veggies into his egg mixture. I slid closer and leaned into the back of his ear. "You're happy here or with me?" I asked, needing something to build on as I struggled to understand how he felt about me.

"Both," he stated, not turning around. "I love your house, and I love being in it with you."

I smelled his hair and watched as he waited to flip the omelet. I had a million questions but had decided weeks ago to let our relationship unfold naturally. Despite the fact that my broken heart felt it could never beat again without guarantees, I fought the urge to ruin this wonderful thing I'd discovered.

I was naturally on edge and constantly had to remind myself to simply enjoy the moment, the day, the week, and to accept what we had developed so far. We hadn't labeled anything. No parameters, no guidelines, no pressures applied to the other. Chad was a loving, free-spirited being, who beat to a different drummer, so why ruin things? I knew I wanted to replicate what he gave me, and if I could focus on that, then perhaps I'd feel safer with each day that passed.

"I'm going to miss you today," I admitted, nuzzling the back of his head.

He turned the stove off and slid the frying pan off the burner before turning around. He laid his hand on my bare chest and over my heart. "I'll be right here," he said. "And you'll be right here," he added, bringing our hands to his.

I wanted to burst into tears. I knew I loved him already. Hell, I think I loved him the moment I saw him when I was still in my SUV the day I drove onto my property. Of course, the idea of such nonsense was absurd, but it felt like that to me.

"Can I admit something to you, Chad?" I asked.

"I want to hear whatever you want to share, Cole. I hope you know that."

"Not to sound like a high schooler here, but I am crushing on you big time," I confessed.

"Aww," he began, laying his face against my chest. "I don't care if you do sound like a high schooler. I like it when you say what you feel. And I like those words, Mr. Hicks."

"Are they enough to convey how I feel?" I inquired, not sure what I needed or wanted to hear in response.

Chad lifted his head from my chest and gazed into my eyes curiously. "The better question is, are your words enough for you to convey how you feel? You chose them."

"‘I'm crushing on you' sounds weak, right?"

"I can live with those words," he admitted.

I let go of him and turned away, facing the island. My hands nervously gripped the marble edge as I wondered if I was truly this immature.

"I'm not being forthcoming," I confessed after a moment, still facing away.

The room was quiet as I faced the ocean outside, wishing I could duck under its protective waves as cover for my humiliation at being unable to speak what my heart truly felt. I sensed Chad move closer behind me, carefully sliding his hand across my back before they circled in front and pulled me backward.

"Tell me how you're feeling, Cole. Tell me without the pressure of the outside world, without the fear of judgment, or the limiting nature of so many feared obstacles to being free with your heart," he whispered against my skin.

"I'm more than ‘crushing' on you."

"Okay. But, what? You're afraid? Unsure of the words to describe your feelings?" he asked.

"I have the words," I whispered, leaning over the island, my head hanging. "It's just… well, fear, I guess."

"What scares you the most?" he asked, gently rubbing my back as he leaned against me. "Admitting your emotions, or that maybe you'll be all alone on your own island if my feelings don't match yours?" He kissed the middle of my back. "Your feelings are yours. Nothing about them is wrong, or average, or immature."

Who was this young man? He spoke like the master of a domain where nothing you said was wrong. His questioning offered forgiveness before you even asked for it. He'd claimed that Jack spoke to him from beyond. No fucking wonder Jack did. The two of them were from their own extraordinary place, so of course they were connected.

I turned to face him, my eyes searching for an anchor as I was about to jump off the ship of anxiety and into a deep abyss. "I'm falling in love with you."

He studied my face as my nervous system caught up to my beating heart. His eyes, the most brilliant color of robin's egg blue, the eyes that one could be lost in forever, locked onto mine. Instinctually, I ran my finger over my opposing wrist and pressed, searching for a pulse, testing my ability to withstand his gaze. The next words he spoke could destroy me from within, but I was desperate for the verdict, no matter the results.

"You say falling, but have you landed there yet?"

I nodded. "I think so," I admitted.

"What makes you think you love me?" he inquired. "I'm not passing judgment. I'm just curious."

I dragged the back of my hand across my mouth and let out a held breath. "Wow!" I exclaimed. "That's a powerful question, Chad."

I leaned back against the island and Chad lifted himself up and onto the opposite counter, sitting there and gazing at me. "Try to share your thoughts if you're willing."

I looked away to gather my thoughts, raking a hand through my hair as I asked myself the same damn question. Why did I think that?

"I moved here," I began, clearing my throat and trying hard to control my emotions. "Well… honestly, I wasn't hopeful that a change of scenery would make a bit of difference, you know, beforehand. And I'd been hiding under a blanket of denial for a couple of years when I showed up here. Truthfully, I was desperate enough to spend eight million dollars so I could stare at different walls, knowing deep inside that I was just relocating my misery."

"Has the move helped?" Chad asked. "I mean, being away from the city?"

I shook my head. "No. Not really. The move itself made no difference to my mood. That was you, Chad." I said. "You are the reason I feel differently. You opened my eyes to the fact that I had shut down all of my emotions. I couldn't see a world where I could ever be happy again until I showed up here and met you."

Chad's eyes released tears as he listened to me. He made no effort to stop them as they slid down his face. "That's a lot, Cole. You know, to hear."

"But it's true," I replied. "I was so convinced that I'd lost my one and only chance to feel like this again that I'd given in to the doubts in my head."

"The ones that say love is impossible?" he asked. "Or, that love is too hard?"

I smiled. "Those are the ones," I said. "Do you know what I did this morning while you were still asleep?" I asked. "What I did when I came down to turn the coffee maker on?"

"No. Tell me."

"I watched a sunrise," I said. "No, wait a second. That's not quite correct. I saw a sunrise," I amended. "I actually saw a sunrise with my eyes and I appreciated the majestic beauty of it."

"Like recognized your place here in our world?" he asked.

I pointed at him. "Exactly!" I answered. "Exactly that. Just like you just said, and in the only way you could say it, Chad. I saw it like you would have seen it."

"It'd been a while?" he asked.

"Oh yes," I admitted. "A long… long while I'm sorry to admit."

"That is an incredible thing to admit, Cole. And you actually thought of me?" he asked. I nodded as my eyes filled.

The pain I'd just released with such a simple admission was overwhelming. The reality that he could be responsible for me opening my eyes to the world around me and helping me take a break from beating myself up was nothing short of a miracle.

"You," I whispered. "You did that," I choked. "I was lost in my hurt and somehow you managed to wake me up, Chad. Just being around you makes me want to feel something finally."

"So that's why you think you're falling in love with me?"

"Yeah," I stated. "I want to feel like that every day. You offered me a miracle."

"That's how I feel about love, too," he said. "All love is a miracle. Even when it hurts."

"I would've doubted you about that two months ago," I admitted. "The part about even when it hurts."

He jumped from the counter and stood before me. "How about now?"

"You're right. Even the hurt of my past love is a miracle."

"Why?"

"Because I got to feel it, I guess. Even the hurt," I admitted. "Even the hurt," I repeated.

Chad slipped a finger in the waistband of my briefs and stepped closer. "Can I ask you a favor?" he whispered. I nodded, my heartbeat pausing along with my breathing. "Will you wait for me just a little bit longer until I can be sure about my feelings?"

Not the words I wanted to hear, but I had a promise to myself to keep. "I can do that," I agreed, disappointed that he didn't feel exactly the same way as I had just professed.

"I appreciate that because I do feel love for you," he stated. "I know I do, but I'm also unsure about whether I can be good for you, Cole. My track record has not been the best and I'm worried about the mistakes I've made."

"I understand," I said. "I'm not going anywhere, so take all the time you need."

We embraced and held each other silently for a minute or so. The moment I felt my heart break a tiny bit, I remembered the sunrise.

"One day at a time, Cole. He's worth it, you'll see."

"I miss you, Jack. I could use a friend right now."

"I'm here."