CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE Chad

Sitting on the deck and staring at the sea found me meditative and serene. The ocean and the sounds associated with it were the perfect salve for my melancholy feelings. My state of mind was questioning and unsure, two emotions that concerned me as I attempted to look within myself. What was it about the new neighbor that kept knocking on my brain? What was the message?

Call it a feeling, premonition, or my usual instinct, but I felt like Cole had been watching me as I surfed near our homes. The distance from the shore to his house was at least half a football field length away, yet I'd noticed a shadowy figure in his upstairs bedroom. Was it intuition or my simple desire to be noticed by him?

Two weeks passed, and I'd yet to stop by and say hello. I hadn't promised I'd visit but had mentioned I might. Many walks on the beach and surfing runs had gotten me close to calling on him, but I couldn't quite get my head wrapped around my motivation to do so. Would a visit be to form a friendship, or was it so I could investigate the feelings I had been trying to tamp down? Having received no messages, or omens, had me questioning our connection.

Dinner was a nice experience with Cole. My folks liked him immediately and even though he was Dad's client, Dad and Cole had seemed to hit it off as buddies as well. The dinner visit reminded me of when I'd brought Perry home for a surprise visit two and half years ago. My folks had taken an instant shine to him as well and continue their relationship with Perry to this day.

The difference then was that Mom and Dad didn't act like they thought Perry and I were possibly attracted to one another the way Mom especially came across with Cole. I had been attracted to Perry, but instinctively knew that he was not my destiny. I couldn't say that about Cole, and that was the confusing part.

At dinner, it became obvious to me that Cole was a quality person and that I may have prejudged him based on his negative reaction to my connection to his friend Jack. But like Mom and Dad always said, "You surprise people with your ways sometimes, Chad."

Cole was pleasant to be around and had a sophisticated yet understated persona. He was one of those folks that you knew had class, but didn't exhibit the trait by seeming stuffy or privileged. Like most people with assets, he presented himself well, but you didn't feel compelled to hate him on sight.

I certainly won't deny that I found him attractive. He'd been present in my mind ever since the goodbye hug. He'd wrapped me in his arms like a familiar scent. He felt like home and safety, a deadly combination of emotions that tended to melt my heart when confronted with them. Like I was with Perry, I was drawn to the connection. Unlike Perry, I wasn't certain Cole was for someone else. That was where my dilemma was.

"So?" Mom asked when I returned to the house after seeing Cole off. "What do you think of our Mr. Hicks?"

"I like him," I admitted. "Happy to have had a second opportunity to spend time with the man," I added, sliding onto a barstool while Mom and Dad cleaned up. "Can I help?" I asked, feeling guilty about not assisting. Mom waved me off.

"I, for one, think he's amazing," Dad offered, turning from the sink and checking my reaction.

"Of course you do, Pops. He spent the entire evening complimenting your taste and ideas about investing," I stated. "I'm barely recovering from the induced coma because of the boredom."

Mom turned around, joining my father with her back against the counter, and dried her hands with a dish towel. She elbowed my father before grinning at me. "Your father likes Mr. Hicks, son. He wants you to give him another chance and return to work for him," she said.

"And you?" I asked. "What does my matchmaker of a mother want me to do?"

"Well," she began, wiggling her eyes toward me. "I think Mr. Hicks is smitten with a certain young man."

"You picked that up from a dinner?" Dad interjected. She elbowed him again, and he flinched. "Oops, was I supposed to jump onboard your fast-moving love train, dear?"

Mom elbowed him for a third time, rolling her eyes toward me. "It's so obvious, Alex. God! Men! You're all so unromantic," she declared.

"Calm down, Mom," I said. "And give Dad a break while you're at it."

"I'll have you know that I am very romantic," Dad corrected. "I just think that Cole is wrong for our son."

His surprise opinion had Mom and me gawking at one another. Dad rarely had an opinion about my love life, so to hear him share one was stunning.

"And why is that?" Mom insisted, warming up another elbow.

"Yeah, Pops. Why is that?" I parroted.

"Because he's like your old man and you can't stand people that go on about money all the time."

"He didn't go on about money the whole time," I defended. "In fact, he didn't mention finances one single time. That was you, Dad. Mr. Hicks was just being nice, and I liked him quite a bit."

"Hmmm?" Dad sniffed, turning to Mom. "I guess you were right, honey."

Where did my trepidation come from regarding Cole Hicks? He was mature. He was established. He was a hunk. Three of my fave things in a man. He was experienced with a long-term relationship even if he kept the information about his breakup to a minimum. Neither Mom nor I pried as he mentioned he was recovering from the demise of a long-term coupling. I respected his reluctance to commiserate about the loss in front of people he didn't know.

But I'd noticed the loss of the person he'd loved was still present in his eyes. I could almost detect the memories of love still there, painful and difficult to distance from. I wondered what had happened.

"Discover why,"an inner voice urged.

I didn't jump after hearing the voice. I'd come to expect and accept messages like this one. "I'm afraid to," I whispered, sensing a strong and persuasive voice invading my mind.

"What if he needs you?"

"What if he hurts me?" I argued, staring into the distance as two seagulls jostled in the air over a tidbit of food one had that the other desired.

I believe in love. I think the world is full of love even when current events offer you a reason not to think so. However, I was afraid my reluctance lately was based on a growing fear inside that true love wasn't my destiny.

David's death and misjudging Clint's capacity to love me all seemed like signs, and I was only twenty-two years old. What was love's plan for me?

"What are you doing, honey?" Mom asked, bringing me back to my surroundings and tugging on my shaggy hair from behind.

"Just thinking, Mom."

"Out loud?" she asked. "May I ask what about?"

"Love," I answered.

"So, the small stuff, huh?" she teased, coming to stand in front of me. "You all right, honey?"

"Honestly," I began, tearing up. "I'm not sure."

She nudged my knee with hers. "Can I help?"

"I'm stuck," I said. "That's the only way I can describe my feelings. I'm disappointed in the recent past and afraid of my future. Unsure of what's next."

Mom kneeled in front of my chair and reached for my hand. "I can tell you're out of sorts, son. Every young person finishes school and reaches this point," she explained. "All the usual questions. How long do you live with your parents? What kind of career do I want? Who am I now? We all go through this uncertainty."

Her explanation and concern were valued, but that wasn't completely my worry. "I want true love," I whispered. "I want someone to see me. To really see me, Mom," I emphasized. She nodded and smiled. "Do you think I'm weird?" I asked.

She gripped my hand tighter. "Of course not, sweetheart. You are different," she stated. "You feel things differently than some. You love differently. You are forgiving and kind, and you have an amazing capacity to care. I sure hope that isn't considered weird."

"I feel empty though," I replied, tugging at the bottom of my T-shirt, wanting to hide from my vulnerability.

"That's because you're reeling from disappointment, but you are a man who has unique abilities," she said. "You see things in others that most of us ignore. And not just see, you appreciate those things. You value others and that is why people value you, Chad," she added, lifting my chin with her finger. "Do not change because of a couple of setbacks."

"I'm thinking about him, Mom. Like really thinking about him," I confessed.

"I know you are, honey. I'm not blind. And Mr. Hicks is thinking about you too."

"You knew who I meant?"

She grinned. "A mother knows these things."

"But I can't go there," I stated, looking past her and toward my safe place, the water. "Not this time."