Chapter 45

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

DANIEL

Nothing's the same without her. I go back to sleeping through my classes because it's easier than staring at her empty seat, and I have to remind myself not to walk to her locker in the mornings.

I get in fights because I want to be hit. I want to hurt from something other than Margo, but somehow being punched is still less painful. It doesn't distract me like I hoped.

Some days I don't even go to school. I stay in my bed because it's the closest thing I can do to disappearing.

Her funeral comes, and I should be at the front with everyone else, but I can't handle it. I watch it from a distance where I can't hear a word being said. It's all too real.

It's dark and the house is quiet. I venture out of my room to use the bathroom, but I pause when I overhear Laura and Rob talking.

"There's not enough room," she says .

"There's plenty of room," Rob replies.

"Where are we supposed to put the baby?"

"Olive can share a room," he says.

"I don't want my kids sharing rooms."

Her words stab my heart. She doesn't want me here. I'm the reason that her kids will have to share a room. I'm the reason they don't have enough room.

Anger builds in my chest. Part of me thought Laura was different. I thought she cared about me, but my worst fear is true. I'm nothing but a burden to her.

Late at night when everyone goes to sleep, I stuff my messenger bag full of my things and slip out of my room. I inch closer to the front door, careful not to make a sound.

I turn the doorknob and crack open the door.

"Where are you going?" Olive says from the other end of the hall.

I gulp, not looking back.

I step outside.

Olive comes running up behind me. She chases me down the walkway. "Daniel, wait!" she yells as she grabs my arm.

"Let me go!"

Her hand falls, eyes wide as she looks down at my bag. "Are you leaving?"

I don't answer. I bite my cheek, trying to keep my composure. I start walking again.

She runs in front of me and blocks me. "You can't leave—"

"Everyone leaves!" My voice cracks, and my hands shake at my sides. Tears roll down my face again. "Get used to it now, Olive. Everyone leaves."

She grimaces. "No. That's not true." She puts her hands on me. "You don't have to leave."

She doesn't understand. I shake my head and push her away. I march down the sidewalk and just keep walking. I don't know where I'm going, but I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.

Everything reminds me of Margo, and I need the pain to stop. I can't handle it anymore. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright, but there's no one around.

I walk for miles. I walk until I find myself at her grave. It's too early for a headstone yet, but they've placed a temporary marker with her picture on it. I bend down to touch her cheek, and my shoulders shake.

"I'm all alone, Margo," I say. My tears drench my face. I can taste the salt from them on my lips. I know she wanted me to find where I belong, but I didn't. I'm more lost than ever. I thought I could handle loving Margo, but it's more painful than I expected it to be. How could someone I knew for such a short period of time leave me feeling raw and torn apart?

"I miss you," I sob. My lip quivers, and anger builds in my chest. "Why did you have to love me?" If she had left me alone, I wouldn't know what it's like to have someone care about me. I wouldn't know what I was missing. It would be easier.

"You weren't supposed to die!" She was perfect. She wanted to travel the world, and she deserved to. We should be running through the mountains in Europe or swimming in the ocean together. We should be planning our futures. She shouldn't be gone. She was too young to die.

My arms should be wrapped around her. She was my missing puzzle piece. Now there's a gash where she used to fit, and I won't ever heal. I can't be happy without her.

Drops of rain hit my head, but I don't care. I lie down by her grave marker because it's the closest to her I can be. I close my eyes and picture her smile. I want to drown in her memory. I replay the first moment I saw her, the way she ran behind me in bright orange overalls. The first time I saw her beautiful brown eyes. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't waste time running from her. I'd surrender to her right away. If I could go back in time, I'd kiss her sooner, I'd hug her tighter, I'd love her longer.

Despite the rain I drift to sleep, and I imagine Margo standing in our field of flowers. She wears her denim overalls and watermelon earrings. She waves at me, and I rush toward her. I take her in my arms, trying to hold on to her tight enough that I can take her with me when I wake up.

"Don't leave me," I whisper into her hair.

She pats my back. "You're going to be okay."

I shake my head. "No. I won't be. I need you."

Margo pulls back, and I reach for her, heart speeding up.

"The world is beautiful," she says. "You'll see."

In a blink of an eye, we're standing in front of the school at the bus stop. She bends down next to the weed we argued over months ago, but it's different now. At the top of the plant is a small blue flower.

"It's not a weed," Margo says. "It's a flower. It just took time to bloom. It's growing somewhere it shouldn't." She stands up and puts her hand on my cheek. "Despite the odds it managed to find a crack in the concrete and bloom. That's pretty cool if you ask me."

I cover her hand. There are warm tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. "I'm not a flower."

She smiles softly, looking into my eyes. "Maybe not, but I know you're going to do great things."

"I won't," I cry .

She presses her forehead against mine. "You will. I promise." Then she starts to fade.

"Don't go." I reach for her, but it doesn't do any good.

"Daniel, wake up," she says.

"No." I'd rather stay in my dreams with her.

"Wake up," she says so clearly I almost think it's real.

My eyes open, and Laura is kneeling next to me in the graveyard. She's wearing a raincoat, and her hair is tucked into her hood. She touches my cheek. "You're so cold."

I jerk away. "What are you doing here?"

"You're going to make yourself sick out here." Laura unzips her coat and starts to take it off.

I sit up and grab her arm to stop her from giving me her coat. I'm not about to take a coat from a pregnant woman in the middle of a rainstorm. "I don't want it."

Laura sighs. "Okay, you don't have to wear it. Just come with me to the car. It's warm."

"No. I'm not coming."

"Daniel, you need to come home—"

"That's not my home."

Laura's brow furrows. "Yes it is."

I push up off the ground and distance myself from her. "No it isn't. I heard you talking! I know you don't want me there!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't have enough room for the baby with me there."

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "That's not what I meant."

"Yes it is! I heard you."

Laura shakes her head. "Get in the car."

"No. "

"I'm not leaving without you. Now, get in the car." She steps closer. "I have something to show you."

I know I'm not going to be able to get away from her. She'll chase me, maybe call the police. She's my guardian. No matter how much I want to run away, I won't be able to until I turn eighteen.

Reluctantly, I follow her to the car, my hands in fists at my sides. I sit in the passenger seat with my arms crossed, staring out the window. I don't say anything as we drive.

Laura doesn't either. She turns on the heat at full blast, and drives silently down the road. The only sound comes from the motion of the wipers on the windshield. They move at their fastest speed to keep up with the pouring rain.

We drive for about twenty minutes on roads I don't recognize. This isn't the usual way we drive to her house. It's backroads that twist and turn outside of the city. There are lots of trees and bushes. When she finally stops the car, we're in the driveway of a house I've never seen before. It's a white two-story home with construction supplies all around it. Half of the house is missing its siding and there are ladders leaning against it.

"Where are we?" I ask.

"Follow me," Laura says, opening her door.

She walks up to the house and pulls out keys from her pocket. She sticks one of them into the lock and turns it. Then she opens the front door and walks in.

The inside of the house is even more of a mess. One wall is missing the drywall and has wooden beams exposed. Some of the walls have old wallpaper and others are in the process of being painted.

Laura turns on a light and starts walking up the staircase. The stairs creak with every step. When we reach the top, she turns left and stops in front of a closed door.

"This," she says, opening the door, "is your room."

The room is empty with light blue walls and white trim. It's far more finished than the rest of the house. It looks like it's ready to be moved into.

Laura steps inside and turns on the light. "I'm thinking your bed can go here by the window." She pauses, rubbing her chin. "Or maybe over there," she says, pointing.

I gulp. This is my room?

"We can buy you a bookshelf and maybe your own desk." She smiles, gesturing around her. "You can decorate it however you want."

My eyes start to water and I catch my breath. "I don't understand."

She walks over to me and takes my hand. "We bought this house last month, and we've been renovating it."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"We wanted to surprise you and Olive. We wanted to finish everything before we showed you."

My lip quivers as I glance around taking it in. This is my room?

Laura looks me straight in the eyes. "You always have a home with us. Do you hear me?"

I can't keep eye contact.

"Look at me," she says.

I take in a ragged breath, trying not to cry in front of her. Slowly, I meet her gaze.

She holds my hand tighter. "We're your family." Then she pulls me into a hug, wrapping her arms around me the way I've longed for. "We love you."

The dam breaks and my tears flood. I shake as I cry against her; my chest heaves. I didn't know how badly I needed to hear her say those words. I've waited my whole life to belong, and here Laura is, giving me an open invitation. I thought she didn't want me, but she was creating a permanent space for me in her family all along.

She pats my back as I sob. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere."

That only makes me cry harder.

"You're going to be okay," she whispers.

For the first time in months, I think that might be true. Maybe I'll find my place in this world after all.

Olive and Rob are waiting in the living room when we get back. I hang my head low as I walk in, ashamed of how I spoke to Olive. I cower next to the door in the dim light, too afraid to look her in the eyes.

She jumps off the couch and I expect her to run to her room, but instead, she walks up to me.

I gulp, prepared to hear the disappointment in her voice. My hand trembles at my side and my breaths shake as I wait for her to speak.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and says, "I'm glad you're back."

Tears pool in my eyes. "I'm sorry I left," I whisper. I should've never yelled at her, and I'd understand if she didn't accept my apology.

She wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly. "You came back. That's all that matters."

My breath hitches. I'm ready to cry again because I don't deserve Olive, but I'm so glad she's here.