29. Hurt

CHAPTER 29

HURT

JOHNNY CASH

After leaving the party, I tried to do what I could to keep James's mind off of his sister and what she said. We made out during a movie, had sex in the shower, got high, got drunk, and even worked on Sam's project for a while. It seemed like everything I tried only worked for a short time before he'd slip back into staring blankly at nothing or looking lost and helpless. The entire night was like one long roller coaster ride.

When I roll over the next morning, I find a cold pillow and a half-empty bed. Last night comes back to me in steady waves, which I appreciate. My head hurts from the drinking and I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, so I need to ease into the morning. I learned that while typical Jamie fucks like a god, when Jamie gets angry, he fucks like a demon. I'm a little sore and I'm sure I have random bruises all over me, but I regret nothing.

I check the time; it's later than I expected, but I appreciate the extra time to sleep before we're on the road and headed up the coast. He has at least three days planned out, but I'm hoping to convince him we need at least five to see everything. The longer I'm away, the better. The same goes for him.

"Jamie?" It's a half-hearted moan that he might hear if he's in the bathroom. I lay there waiting for him to come back to bed when Chase's words come back to me.

Don't let him leave.

"Jamie?" I yell out drunkenly. He's probably in the kitchen or out working on his computer.

No answer.

I sit up, my head throbbing and mouth dry from the alcohol and weed. When I search around the room, I see no sign of him, so I yell out again, panic seeping into my voice. "James?!"

Don't let him leave.

His suitcase and camera bag are gone, leaving only my bags by the bedroom door. I hobble out to the living room and he's not there, either. His computer isn't on the desk, his phone isn't on the charger, and I can't find any notes that he's left telling me where he's gone. Dread sets it as I run to get my phone.

Eleven missed texts, all from my mother. No new voicemails.

I call him and let it ring through to his voicemail, then hang up and call again. The fourth time I get his voicemail I leave a message, "Uhm, hi, it's me. Where did you go? I, uhm, I thought we were going on our trip today but your stuff is gone and… James…Uhm, can you call me and tell me you're okay? I love you. Please call me."

I hang up and text him. Maybe I'm being a little extreme, but I keep hearing Chase in my head telling me not to let him leave. What the fuck does that even mean?

My phone rings and I answer it without even looking at the caller ID. "James?"

"Hey, no, sorry, it's Sam." My heart sinks, and I let myself fall onto the edge of the bed. I'm relieved that it's Sam and not my mother. "Everything okay? Were you two at that party with Dani last night? Cause man, that's one hell of a hangover she's got. Sounds like maybe you've got it, too."

"Uhm, yeah, yeah I was."

"Damn, how late were you and Jamie up?"

"What do you mean?" Dani's probably already told Sam about us, but this is a pretty forward question from Sam.

"Don't get me wrong, these are stellar. Love the direction you guys are going. But you didn't need to drop the prints off at four in the morning. That's not what I meant when I said work whatever hours you want."

"Four…four in the morning?"

"Well, that's according to the timestamp on the video. Were you not with him? I just assumed you and he dropped them off together. Dani says you two are damn near inseparable since you met. I'm happy for you guys, by the way. Both of you."

"Sam, stop. What are you talking about? What video?"

"The security camera. It shows Jamie swinging by and dropping these off this morning. The Jeep is just off camera, so I figured you were in there." His voice changes from jovial to worried. "Lex, is something going on?

"I…No. I think it's a hangover, like Dani's. I guess James couldn't sleep or something."

"Alright, get some rest and get some coffee or whatever you drink." I'm about to end the call when I hear him speak again, "Oh, and have fun in Frisco. It's really nice this time of year. Tell Jamie to take you to the Cherry Blossom trees. They match your hair."

"Yeah, yeah I will. Bye Sam."

I pace the apartment. I call his number. I pace more. I try to work, but my mind is too worried to think straight. I pace more.

It's three in the afternoon before I decide to call around to the local hospitals. I'm not sure if they can tell me if he's there, since I'm not family. I lie to a few and say I'm his sister, but no one has him or anyone fitting his description that they know of. All this calling around might be bullshit I saw on television shows, but I'm trying it anyhow. The next thing I realize is that I don't have his address or a clue where he lives other than Pasadena. I don't even know how to get a hold of his friends to check on him. Then I remember Dani. How could I forget Dani?

I frantically call the office, but someone else answers and tells me she's gone home for the day with a stomach bug. Dani's hangovers are pretty intense, so that doesn't surprise me. I call her cell and it goes to voicemail, so I text her. And wait.

A few hours later, I stop my pacing and nervous cleaning and take a deep breath. "He's a grown man with his own life, and he doesn't need to check in with you all the time. He's probably with Cooper dealing with a lawyer." I say to the empty room.

I'm lying to myself. If he had left and intended to come back, he would have called me or left a note. I don't know if it's something I said or did last night, but there has to be some reason he left me. I don't understand what the hell is going on, so I break down and cry on the couch.

* * *

I'm up too early the next morning after sleeping with my phone and checking non-stop. I've been lying on the couch trying to will it to ring all night. The problem is, it has rung. A lot. I have almost forty missed calls and texts from my mother and a few from Ronnie. I can't stay here today because they'll come looking for me, so I pack up my stuff and head down to the office to get my mind off things.

Dani isn't at her desk when I get there and I'm feeling like no one is where they're supposed to be anymore in my life. I see Sam in the back by the coffee machine and head for him.

"Hey Sam, have you heard from Jamie since he dropped off those prints?"

"Hey, my star designer!" He beams when he sees me. "No, I haven't. Why? Lose him?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I can't get a hold of him. He isn't returning my calls or texts. I'm worried about him, but I don't have any way to get a hold of him. So I came here to work and try to clear my mind." My eyes burn the longer I'm rambling until Sam pulls me in for a hug and I realize I'm already crying. "I…I think he left me. I don't understand what I did."

"Hey, no. Jamie isn't like that. I'm sure there's an explanation."

"He just left in the middle of the night. I know things were weird after he saw his sister at the party, but I didn't expect this. He took all his things and didn't leave a note. We were supposed to go on that trip, but now he's ghosting me."

"His sister?" Sam's face darkens, and I can tell he's hiding something from me. "Lex, uhm, give me a minute. Stay here, try to find a way to calm down."

"What?" The panic hits my stomach hard and my knees buckle. "Sam?"

"I'm gonna go call him. I'm sure he's fine. He's been through a lot lately, so I'll check in."

He hurries off to his office, taking the stairs three at a time. I'm standing there holding a cup of coffee I hadn't even realized he'd handed me, wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. Something is wrong and no one will tell me what. "No, fuck this."

I run back to Dani's desk, relieved to see her there. "Where have you been? I texted you!"

"Chill! I dropped my phone in the fountain at the party and was way too hungover to go get a new one. Why?"

"I need to do something reckless, and probably stupid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's illegal, or it is on TV."

"Oh, I'm in. Whose house are we burning to the ground?"

"I need an address. I need James' address. He's not answering, and there was an issue at the party. Chase told me to not let him leave my place, but he snuck out."

"The party from two days ago? That's fucked up. Say no more, I'm on it."

In what seemed like seconds, Dani hands me a slip of paper with an address scribbled on it. I recognize the street name, but other than that, I have no clue where this is. I don't exactly go to Pasadena very often.

"Do you have Chase's number?"

"No. I only hang out with him when I'm with Jamie. It's not like the guy wants his number floating around. You're really freaking out, huh?" I nod. "Alright, go! Eat that after you get there, in case someone tries to arrest us for it!"

"I'm not eating paper, also, I have to put it in my GPS. I love you, Dani, but you watch way too many crime dramas."

"I watch them with you, dummy!" I'm halfway out the door when she adds, "Oh, and if he's ghosting you to break up with you, tell him I'm going to beat his ass!"

I bolt out the door, not bothering to wait for Sam as I plug the address into the GPS and speed away the second the directions pull up. The screen says forty-five minutes with traffic and when I finally pull into the driveway, I'm a mess. I've thought of every terrible thing that could have happened to him, not stopping at an alien abduction.

Chase said Elle was powerful.

Jamie is terrified of her, even though he doesn't want to admit it.

If she hurt him, I will hunt her fucking ass down and shove those stupid, pointy fingernails into her damn eyes.

I spot his Jeep parked in front of a large, two-story home. It's a simple house, set back off the road but in decent shape for how old it probably is. Next to his Jeep is a silver SUV that looks brand new. As I walk past, I see two car seats in the back.

James told me he didn't have kids. He said Elle was lying about all of that. The back of my brain taunts me with what ifs. What if he lied? What if he has kids? What if he has other girlfriends? My heart is in my throat as I head up the stairs to the porch and knock. When there's no answer, I knock once more and I check my phone. I hear hurried footsteps and the door flies open, revealing an absolutely stunning woman I've never seen before. She has long, blonde hair pulled up in a messy bun that looks slept in, so does the shirt she's wearing. I recognize it as Jamie's. I had it on just a few days ago.

Fuck. I think I'm going to throw up.

"Shit sorry, I thought you were Chase," she says to me as if we've met before. "Wait…Chase doesn't knock. Fuck."

"I uhm. I'm…sorry," I stutter, then turn around, ready to bolt for my car. When I hear my name. I stop, teetering dangerously between rage and confusion over a man I met a week ago who isn't returning my calls but is telling his other girlfriend my name.

"You're her, right? You have to be. I mean, Jamie showed me the pictu—Oh Jesus fuck, I just realized how this looks. We didn't!"

"What?" It comes out a distant squeak as I turn back to stare at her. I was aiming for ‘ strong woman who doesn't need a man in her life if he's going to cheat on her '. Nailed it.

"I'm Natalie, but you can call me Nat. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten around to me yet; he did say it was a kind of whirlwind relationship between you two." She's talking so fast and waving her hands. I'm not sure what to make of the situation. She stops to take a breath, but then more of an information dump follows. "I'm his ex-wife who's happily remarried with two children that are absolutely not his. Jamie's. I mean, they're my husbands. The kids. We're not sleeping together. Not the kids, Jamie and I. I'm just a friend!"

"I…don't think I understand."

"I don't blame you. I'm not explaining any of this well." She takes my arm and pulls me back toward the door. "J is upstairs. Coop and I finally convinced him to take the good drugs last night, so I think he's coming out of it. Do you want to come in for coffee? Coop will be back soon. He's taking Pongo and Lulu home."

"Uhm, I… okay?"

"I promise, I don't bite; I just talk too much."

Stepping inside transports me right into Jamie's mind. Art decorates the walls, with books stacked on shelves, the floor, and any flat surface available. The art ranges from portrait sketches to beautiful landscapes, most of them leaning in stacks against tables and chairs. I want to flip through them and see the rest. It's not messy in the traditional sense, it's like everything has a place, but it has the trademark takes of an artist's troubled mind. Chaos in organized form.

"He really likes you." I'd almost forgotten Natalie was there. I remember the name now, and what Elle said about her. She's right, we haven't gotten around to talking about her at all. Until last night, I assumed when Jamie talked about ‘ the divorce ', he was referencing his parents' divorce. "He said it hasn't been long for you two, but I know him better than most people. The other night I was here dropping some stuff off and he was a tornado tearing through this place and getting packed up. He was so excited about the trip you two were taking. I've only ever seen that twinkle in his eyes twice before. The day we met, and the day we said I do."

She sets a cup of coffee on the table by the milk and sugar. I wonder how many cups she's had already. The scent of bacon hits me, making my stomach growl as it reminds me I haven't been eating.

"How do you like your eggs?"

"Uhm, I'm not really hungry. I think I'm still a bit confused." It's strangely easy to open up to her. I explain about the missed calls and what Chase told me while I glance around the room. Stacks of papers litter the table along with bills and financial documents. Under those, I discover sketches in various forms of completion. I shift the first one, an apple, to the side and find one of a cat, enormous eyes staring up at me with only half the face finished. Below that is an attempt at a shop interior that looks a bit like the boba shop next to work. He must not have liked it though, because this and the next few sketches below it have scratched lines through them.

"This all seems bonkers, I'm sure. Trust me, though, you don't have to worry about James Barton cheating on you. He's as loyal as they make them. He's just—there's a lot of baggage and he's still learning how to deal with it all."

"We've been comparing patterns," I say flatly.

"What?"

"Not important. I should probably go. I kind of got his address from a mutual friend and I feel like I'm invading his space and?—"

"Alexis!" Chase comes in from the back, runs over, and gives me a bear hug, lifting me off the chair. "Fuck, I've been trying to find your number, but his stupid ass has you programmed as something other than your damn name." The lightbulb goes off in his head. "Shit! Your hair. You're Cherry Blossom! I thought it was the flower place! God, I hate him sometimes."

"Oh. I uhm, I got his address from Dani."

"Son of a… I've been calling her since I dropped her off after the party to try to get a hold of you." He sighs and drops onto the stool next to me with a soft smile. "You must be losing your damn mind."

"That's…an understatement." My head is spinning and I understand absolutely nothing that's going on. I can't breathe and it's too hot in here. I'm starving, and to top all that off, no one has told me a damn thing yet.

"Hey, do you want to bring him breakfast?" Natalie asks me, holding up a small plate and a travel mug.

"What?!" I snap. I didn't mean to.I'm so confused, and they're acting like this is normal. If this is James's normal, I'm going to need some time to adjust to the chaos. What the hell have I done?

"Hey," Chase says, taking my shoulders in his big, firm hands. "Breathe. He had a slip, emotionally. Elle does that to him and sometimes it takes a few days to get him out of it. If that's not going to work for you, we understand and I'll break it to him later. If you're everything he's described you as being, then bring him breakfast. It's a lot to take in right now, we're just… I dunno… used to it, I guess. It's easy for us to forget you haven't even known Jimbo for that long."

Unsure of my answer, I stand and stare at the plate.

"Don't tell him I called him Jimbo. He hates it. I do it to annoy him." He shuffles through the stack of sketches and pulls one out, handing it to me. "When James lost his dad, it was like a giant piece of him died right along with him. He started letting go of everything else he cared about. He's scared and a little lost. But I think I know what he's looking for."

I'm staring at my eyes, my face, and my mouth on paper. I almost don't recognize it's me. Not because it's bad, no, it's the opposite. This isn't who I see in the mirror every day, it's how he sees me. The smiles instead of the stress, the relaxed look in the corner of my eyes instead of the worry. This is how I feel when I'm around him.

I grab the plate and coffee and stare at Chase. "Upstairs. First door on your left. Don't knock, just barge in. Don't let him give you any bullshit, either. He's a mess, but he's our mess."

Standing in front of the door, I soak in the house, smells, and people. I'm second guessing everything, thinking I shouldn't be here. As I consider leaving, I hear a muffled sob on the other side.

His room is dim, making it difficult for my eyes to adjust. However, I can still make out a lump of blankets on the bed. I set the coffee and plate on a desk, careful not to put it on anything that might be important, and climb in next to the lump. He groans, clearly annoyed. After almost two days, I finally relax. He's home, and he's okay. But are we?

"Chase, I don't fucking—strawberries?" He pulls the covers down and I can just make out his red-rimmed eyes and his messy bed head. "Angel?"

"Hi," I whisper back, brushing the hair from his eyes.

"Why…how did you…?"

"I was worried. You just…you left." He stares at me for a long time before he pushes the blanket back and I crawl under them and cuddle next to him. "Natalie asked me to bring you breakfast."

"Alexis…I—I'm sor?—"

"No, don't worry about that. Let's get you better before you start worrying about explaining or apologizing. I'm not mad, I was just…worried."

He stares at me until his fingers find my face, tracing tender shapes along my skin like he's seeing me for the first time—even though he can barely see me in the low light. I can make out the dark circles under his eyes and what was stubble is now a full beard. I don't think he's slept since he left my apartment.

"It's okay. We're okay, if you still want us?—"

"I do. I do want us. But, it's not okay. I'm not okay." He pulls me closer and I tuck my head under his chin. "I don't know how, but you found me."

"I had Dani get me your address. I'm sorry if that's too much. I didn't want you to be alone."

"No, I mean…I don't mean that you came here, I mean that you found me. There's finally something that isn't darkness trying to swallow me whole." His voice is gravelly and low and I wonder when the last time he spoke was. "You were sleeping like an angel…my angel. I'm sorry I left. I should have told you, but I didn't want to scare you."

"Are you going to be okay, Jamie?"

"I don't know. I really don't know, but… I think I'll at least be better now. I should have called, but I didn't think I could handle the disappointment in your voice." He kisses my head softly and I can feel the wet tears in my hair. There's heartbreaking pain and sadness in his voice.

"I'm not disappointed, not at all."

"I don't know how to protect you. I want to, Alexis. More than anything, I want to protect you, but I don't know how. Between your parents and my sister, I just don't know how."

"I don't want you to protect me, Jamie. I want us to be there for each other."

He loosens his grip on me and rubs his eyes. "There's more you should know. A lot more."

He shifts and sits on the edge of the bed, then looks at me over his shoulder. Leading me into the bathroom, he flicks on a light. The room fills with a yellow glow as James opens the medicine cabinet full of tiny bottles. I'm not sure exactly what he's showing me at first, but then I notice they're all his. Every one of them—and there are at least fifteen—are his prescriptions. I'm unfamiliar with some of them, but there are a few I recognize from my own medicine cabinet.

I reach into the cabinet and pull down a bottle, holding it out to him. "Teach me," I say, lacing the fingers of my free hand into his. "What should I know? What one helps with what thing and how can I help?"

He stares at me again, blinking like I'm speaking German.

"If we're going to do this, I need to know how to help you, Jamie."

"Alexis, I'm a fucking wreck!" he yells, but he doesn't mean to. His voice drops to a shaky whisper, "Even on the days I remember to take this shit, I can't…I can't function. I can't hold down a job. I can't do my art. I can't fix the house. I can't even get out of fucking bed."

"You're out of bed now."

"What?" He falls back onto the edge of the counter, dropping my hand and covering his face. "You can't want this, Lexi. You can't. You deserve someone who can?—"

"Make me happy? Because you do, Jamie, and I do want this, and you, and us."

I cup his face, stroking his beard with my thumbs. He wants to argue with me again, but I cut him off.

"You can function, but some days are harder than others. You can hold down a job, because Sam still hires. You can fix the house, because I was able to walk up every one of those stairs to get to you. You can get out of bed, and on the days you can't, there's nothing wrong with that. You're a man, Jamie, not a superhero." I take both his hands in mine and kiss his knuckles. He doesn't fight me when I take the hem of his shirt and lift it over his head.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping you take a shower."

"Why?" Pain and confusion lace the question.

"Well, for one, you're still wearing the clothes you had on at my place two days ago. Also, because I wasn't lying when I said I love you. This is what love is, Jamie. Good days are magical, but shitty days are going to happen. They'll happen to me, too. If we're lucky, they won't happen on the same day, but if they do, that's what food delivery and streaming is for." The crease between his eyebrows deepens, and I take hold of the sides of his head and pull him down enough to kiss it.

"You've done more in the last week than any of these bottles have done in months."

"Doesn't mean they can't help you. You need to take them or they won't work." He turns me around and stares at me through the reflection in the mirror. "Oh, and you can make art. I saw that sketch of me downstairs."

"I drew that when I came home. The house was cold and empty, and I needed your warmth. I hoped that drawing you would help, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't even draw you right."

"The sketch is beautiful, Jamie. I don't think I've ever seen myself like that, through the eyes of someone who cares about me."

"I do care about you, Lexi. I care so damn much. But I'm going to fail again. I'm going to fuck this up. I always do."

"You've hardly given us a chance, pretty boy. Now come on, we'll go one step at a time. You got out of bed. Now let's shower and see where we can go from there. It may just be back in bed to eat your cold breakfast. I'm here, James, and I'm not leaving."

His chin quivers and his eyes well with tears once more. He hugs his arms around me and holds me with his head buried against my neck as he cries tears he's held in for too long.

"I love you, Alexis."