13. I’m Not Okay

CHAPTER 13

I'M NOT OKAY

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

"I'm gonna make you work for it, though." I giggle, taking a peanut butter cup out of the baggie and hold it between my teeth.

"Work for it?" His smirk should be illegal.

"Yep. Especially since traffic isn't going anywhere. I figure you owe me this much after last night." Shifting in my seat, I leaning as far over as the seatbelt will allow. I can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows hard, leaning over to meet me. Without looking away from my eyes, his hand finds my knee and slides up my thigh.

I can feel his breath on my face when my phone chimes the toll of doom and I jump away to grab it with a loud groan."Sorry, I should have… anyhow, here," I stumble over the words and hand him the candy as I read the onslaught of texts. I don't even look to see if he eats it.

Satan

Why aren't you answering your door?

Your car is here, Alexis. Come out here and answer your door.

I look like an idiot standing in the hall.

Lexi

I'm working, Mom. I'm not home.

I'm going to a conference, and we carpooled

Satan

Don't lie to me. Were you drinking again last night? Are you hungover?

Lexi

No, mother. I'm not home. I swear.

Satan

Where are you? I'll come get you. You should know better, Alexis.

The phone rings before I even reply, and I cringe. "Sorry, I should take this or she won't stop calling."

"No problem," he smiles, slipping the peanut butter cup back into the baggie before his hand is back on my leg, squeezing. If I wasn't already slipping into my deal with mom mode, I would probably jump this man.

I haven't even said hello, and she barrages me with questions.

" Alexis, what do you mean, a conference ? Don't lie to me; you're home, I'm sure of it. Just answer the door. I can't believe you were out boozing and debauching again last night. What is the matter with you, Alexis? "

"Mom—"

" Please tell me you at least didn't black out and wake up in a stranger's bed. Where are you? It sounds like you're in a car. Whose car are you in? I'm going to send your father to get you right away. We've talked about this kind of behavior, young lady. Send me the address. My lord, this is embarrassing. Do you understand how embarrassing this is for us? " She doesn't stop to breathe.

"Mom, calm down. Everything is fine. We just, we're going to Long Beach and?—"

"Long Beach? Are you high, Alexis? You can't go to Long Beach! It's full of drugs and homeless people, and you're just gallivanting around there with some strange man? This is Danielle's fault, isn't it? I told you she was no good and a terrible person. All those rainbows and flags, shoving it down our throats. She's turned you to the devil's side, just like I knew she would."

She's not expecting answers to any of these questions—she never does—but I try, anyway.

"Her name is Daniella, Mother, that's not?—"

"Why can't they just have normal names?" She mumbles, and it's difficult not to hang up on her. Some of her worst traits are racism, sexism, and homophobia. If I try to correct the behavior, she attacks me more and I can only handle so much. "Why do you do this to me, Alexis? Why do you insist on being just like your sister and bringing shame down on your father and me? Why do you have to run around this den of sin, whoring yourself out to anyone willing?"

"Mom, I—" I'm shutting down. It's hard to breathe even though I'm in an open Jeep with plenty of air.

"I'm calling your father and sending him to come get you. This is absolutely ridiculous. He's a busy man, Alexis. He can't be babysitting you while you live out these ridiculous fantasies of yours."

Traffic, the Jeep, James, none of those things exist anymore. The world has swallowed me whole as I slip inside my mind to find a dark corner to hide myself. My mother sets off all the warning bells in me, turning me into the person I try desperately to hide away. My extroverted slash introverted Jekyll and Hyde act is cute, but the third me is why I've been in and out of therapy since I was fourteen.

"Please, mom—" My voice sounds pitiful and I barely get the words out.

"Should I have him bring one of our sheriff's office parishioners with him? Did that boy touch you, Alexis? I swear to the baby Jesus himself, if he got you pregnant I'll ? —"

"STOP IT!" I scream, holding the side of my head and pulling my legs up to my chest. The line is silent and the seconds squeeze my lungs tighter.

"Excuse me?"

I want to scream, but I beg in a childish whimper, "Please don't." the breath I take sounds like I'm some kind of asthmatic. I shouldn't have yelled. It's exactly what she wanted. "I'm sorry, Mother. I'll be home later, and we can discuss this when I'm home. Please don't send Ronnie."

The silence that follows is a deep, dark sludge and I'm trapped waist deep. Silence around her is more terrifying as my entire body stiffens as I wait for what's coming. I'm shaking, and I can't stop. Then there's a warmth as his hand wraps around mine and he squeezes. I can't even look at him. I don't want him to see this version of me.

"I want you to call me when you get home to let me know you're alright." She flips on a dime, and abruptly, the poison in her voice turns to honey. "You know I'm just worried about you. There's no need to yell at me like that when all I want is for you to be safe."

"I'm sorry."

"Did you get to work on that project for your father?" Each word is calm and calculated. I email her updates on the project daily; she knows how far along I am. She's taken me to the edge and pushed me over like she planned. "That's your priority and your penance. Your service to God to amend for these sins you insist on committing."

"Stepfather."

"Alexis, don't start with me." She's back again, coiled like a snake, ready to strike. "You're an adult; act like one."

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck this," James says under his breath.

"Who was that?"

James's hand lets go of mine and grabs the back of my seat as he turns to check traffic, then zips into the lane for the off-ramp. The noise from the wind now that we're moving again is deafening, and I barely hear my mother freaking out and screaming at me.

"Alexis Strauss, what is all that noise? Oh my god, are you on a motorcycle?"

"I gotta go. It's really hard to hear. I'll call you tonight. I love you, Mom."

I end the call and close my eyes. I'm ready to break down and crawl back into bed. I want to hide. I'm sure I'm about to throw up when his hand returns, this time on my knee. He wants me to know I'm not alone, but I am. I hide my face, turning toward the window.