11. Fade Into You

CHAPTER 11

FADE INTO YOU

MAZZY STAR

I'm standing in the parking lot, looking at my Jeep, realizing there's no way I'm capable of driving but can't stay in the club either. Not with Kennedy's total lack of regard for personal space and boundaries. I can't get the flavor of her fucking lip gloss out of my mouth and I hate it. I want it to be Lexi's. I'm such a fucking idiot for messing this up so damn fast. My phone buzzes; I want nothing more than to smash the fucking thing. But it wouldn't do any good. She finds me no matter where I am.

Unknown Number

Come on, Jamie, I'm bored. Play with me.

I promise no one will drug your drink…at least not this time

I just want to fuck up your life a little more unless you're already doing it yourself. Then I just wanna watch.

It's too much. It's all too damn much. My head is throbbing, my heart is breaking, and I've lost all hope. A diner sign across the way flickers against the dark night sky. At least I can hide there while I sober up. I sure as hell don't have any money for a ride share. I take a step toward my new destination when I hear someone nearby sniffle and let out a soft sob.

I search the lot, and it takes me a second to find her, but eventually I spot the bright pink space buns over by the bar's patio. There's another sniffle, and I'm sure she's the one crying. As I approach, I try to shuffle my feet and make a little noise so I don't spook her.

"Lexi, are you all right?" That's a dumb question; of course she isn't.

"James?" Lexi stammers as she stands, wiping her face. "Shit. I'm… I'm sorry…fuck!"

"What's the matter?" She's shivering, and my instincts kick in before I even think it might be me that caused this. I'm the reason she's breaking down in a parking lot. I wrap my coat over her shoulders without hesitation before I lift her face and wipe tears away with the pad of my thumb. "Please tell me this isn't my fault?—"

"No, I just, uhm. It's nothing."

"You're a beautiful woman standing alone in the middle of the arts district in a shitty parking lot, crying outside of a brewery party—it's not nothing."

She sniffles and tries to lower her head, but I won't let her. "Look, I, uhm, I'm sorry I came on so strong, and I…I shouldn't have thrown myself at you like that. I drank too much, and my stupid brain thought that—fuck—it doesn't matter."

"That was all on me; it was my fault. I drank too much, and I don't want to fuck this up." I wonder if she thinks I mean the job, when in reality, I mean any shot I have with her—if I have a shot. I offer her a pathetic smile. "You shouldn't be out here alone."

"I can take care of myself."

"I believe you, I do. But it doesn't mean you have to. Where's Dani?" I glance around, but there's no one. "She was supposed to come find you."

"She's probably still running damage control. I needed some air after…" she huffs and rolls her eyes, tucking her phone away and not bothering to finish the sentence.

"Damage control?"

"You two make sense. Go on, get back in there. I'm sure she's waiting with legs wide open for you. She might have a black eye, but I'm sure you won't notice while you stare at her fucking tits. I'll see you tomorrow for work."

"Are you talking about Dani?"

"You don't have to hide it. Everyone was there. Hundreds of witnesses. But fuck it. I don't care. Why should I? You're just another asshole I have to work with. So, I'll meet you in Long Beach. Don't worry about picking me up."

"Saw—fuck, you mean Kennedy?" She rolls her eyes. "No, come on. Kennedy was?—"

"You fucking kissed her not five minutes after you rejected me. She told me you were taking her home. I guess you thought it was two for one night—" Her head rocks back, and I can see new tears forming in her eyes. When she looks at me again, all I can see is disappointment, and it's directed right at me. "Just don't let her fuck up any of our work. In fact, I can talk to Sam tomorrow and try to get Kennedy to take over the project. I have enough shit to deal with, and I certainly don't need you added to that." She pulls free and shrugs off my jacket, holding it out to me. "I should go back inside. No, I should go home. I wouldn't want to waste any more of your time."

"Is that it?" I stare hard at her, ignoring the jacket she's still holding out to me.

"What?" She pulls back, clearly not expecting the bluntness of my question.

"Is that it? Did you get everything you needed off your chest?" She nods almost imperceptibly, but her face scrunches up as she sniffles. I step closer again. "Good, because I don't want to do anything with Kennedy. I don't ever want to see her again, if that's possible. I wouldn't go out with her for a million dollars and I sure as fuck don't want to work with her, either."

"But? Why were you kissing her?" Now she's confused, and I can't say I blame her.

"I didn't kiss her, Lexi; she kissed me. I told Dani to check on you and that I was leaving. When I turned around to go, Kennedy grabbed me. I promise you, it was not reciprocated or enjoyable." I wipe her face again. Despite the nagging compulsion to kiss her, I want to make this right between us.

"Why were you leaving?"

"Because I thought I messed this all up, and apparently, I was right, but for the wrong reasons." I tuck my hands into my pockets. "I'll call Sam in the morning. I'll take myself off the project."

I turn to walk away, but she calls out and grabs my elbow. "James? You really didn't like kissing her?"

"No. In fact, I was looking to syphon some gasoline while I'm out here to get the taste out of my mouth." My face scrunches up like I've bitten into a lemon. A chuckle escapes her before she can stop it, and I brush that same piece of hair behind her ear again. "Put the damn jacket back on. You're shivering."

Reluctantly, she allows me to help her slide it back over her shoulders. I like the way my jacket looks on her, and I realize I'm grinning like an idiot. Especially when she curls her fingers around the edges and pulls it tighter. "You're… fuck. Lexi, I haven't gotten you out of my head since the coffee shop. Kennedy's a dumb kid trying to figure shit out, and that's not what I need in my life. That's not what I want."

"What the fuck happened in the bathroom?"

I bite my lip and lower my head. "I've had some fucked up things happen to me when alcohol was involved. It, uhm, left me with a lot of anger, disgust, and regret. You were drunk, and I didn't want to be the face of your regret tomorrow morning or any morning thereafter."

"Shit," she groans.

"Yeah," I whisper, closing the small gap between us. I take a risk and I press my forehead to hers. "There was only one woman in all of Los Angeles who could get me to follow them onto a dance floor, let alone into a bathroom. She's an angel with the prettiest pink hair and a thing for coffee."

Her mouth moves, but she stays silent. Maybe I broke her.

"If you let me, I'd like to take you out sometime. Somewhere without the crowd, and probably fewer drinks in both of us. Not for work, and not on Sam's dime." My hands drop to her hips, and I can't help but stare at those beautiful, pouty lips. "Hopefully somewhere with nicer bathrooms."

"They have very nice bathrooms here, sir," she smiles up at me. It's soft, with a hint of an apology that I don't need or deserve.

"We could go back in and confuse a lot of people by giving the bathrooms a second chance. Take it a little slower." She bumps my nose with hers and my legs turn to jelly. She's all I can feel, all I can see. Even the smell of her is intoxicating and making my head float more than the weed I smoked earlier. I want to bottle this scent so I have it forever and I don't give two shits about how creepy that sounded in my head.

My pulse quickens because we're about to kiss. I feel her phone buzz in her pocket, and she steps away again like we're teenagers getting caught making out. I miss her body and how it fits so perfectly against mine. I'm hopeless, and I'm going to absolutely let this woman break my heart a thousand times over, if that's what it takes.

"Uhm, I don't know. I should probably just…uhm…I need to go. Dani's friend is taking us home, and I … I'm…"

"What did I say? Please, tell me." I am seconds away from dropping to my knees and begging her for a chance. What the fuck is wrong with me? She deserves better, and I should let her go. But I can't give up. Not yet. "Come on, you were right there with me, and now you're practically running to get away from me."

I need her to blame me, to throw my words back at me and make me feel like a fucking loser. Otherwise, I'll let my brain overthink things, and I'll convince myself there's still a chance. She looks like she's on the verge of a panic attack. I can recognize the symptoms. I've had enough of my own to know, and now I feel like an even bigger ass.

"It's nothing. I should…go."

"Alexis?" I stare into her red-rimmed eyes. The tears are back, and I realize these tears aren't from my dumbass not taking care of things in the bathroom. It's something deeper that she doesn't want me to figure out. This is raw pain; someone hurt her between her leaving the bathroom and now. "What happened in there? When you ran. Did someone hurt you?"

I'll never forgive myself if someone laid a hand on her because I let her go.

"No one touched me. I'm… it doesn't matter.

"Who did this, Lexi? Who hurt you? Was it Kennedy? What else did she say to…" She looks up at me again, recognizing the fire in my eyes behind all the pain. I'm ready to burn the whole fucking building down to find out who did this, and that's when I figure it out.

The text in the bathroom. The phone call she got as she ran down the hallway. She doesn't want me to see her phone either, that's why she tucked it away.

"It's nothing, I don't matter."

I don't matter. It wasn't a slip. Families are such a bitch sometimes, and somehow they always know right where to hit us. They have a special way of cutting too deep, knowing they'll never let you recover from it. That has to be what's gotten to her.

"You do matter. I won't push you for what's going on, but you shouldn't be alone." Her chin trembles, and it's breaking my heart. She lets me pull her close and trusts me enough to hold her. "Let it out, darlin'." Her body fights back sobs as I kiss the side of her head.

Rage like I've never felt before is growing inside me, and I have this urge to protect her from anyone and everyone. Protect her like no one had done for me all those times.

"What can I do, Lexi? How can I help?" I whisper in her ear, and she pulls away just enough to see me. We're both inches away from making more bad decisions as she stares at my lips and starts moving closer.

"You don't even know me, James."

"We can change that. Say it again, please?"

"You barely know me?"

"No, my name. It sounds fucking beautiful when you say it."

"James." It's breathy and sexy and perfect as her lips graze mine.

"Lex Luthor! Are you out here?" Dani's voice pulls us apart again as the night of near misses continues.

"Shit," she says as she slips away, dabbing her eyes on the cuffs of my jacket. She winces when she remembers the jacket is mine and tries to take it off again, but I stop her. She smiles at me, hugging the jacket a little closer. "I should go."

"I should, too," I whisper, not meaning it. I don't want to let her go. "If you need to talk, I'm a good listener."

"Okay, I'll see you in the morning?" She starts backing away slowly. "I uhm… I'd like to do that someday, the going out somewhere thing. I think that would be great."

"Yeah?"

She bites her bottom lip and nods. She's beautiful.

"Ah ha! Found you!" Dani screams as she runs over and looks between us, trying to figure out what's going on. "Oh shit, am I interrupting?"

"No," Lexi smiles back at me as they walk away. "I'm hungry. Let's go home and order a pizza."

They're about halfway across the parking lot when I yell out, "Hey, Angel?" She turns around hesitantly, "What do you take in your coffee?"

"Silky and sweet, just like her!" Dani yells back.

"Extra Cream and sugar," Lexi clarifies. She flashes a bashful smile before turning around and hugging Dani, glancing back one more time before they disappear around the corner.

* * *

It's around one in the morning when I sober up enough to head home. I trudge up the stairs and sit on the floor outside my dad's room, leaning against the door. The aroma of incense, art supplies, and old lumber fills my lungs, replacing the cherry blossoms and strawberries. Closing my eyes, I rock my head back. The dull sensation of a bruise forming on the back of my head makes me laugh at the memory of how it got there.

"Dad, I um…" Stuttering and unable to find the words. "Shit, I guess it's been a while since I did this. I met someone today. She's smart, funny, and a damn knockout, too. You'd like her right off the bat because she's got pink hair. Like really pink, right out of a pack of bubble gum. I know it sounds dumb, but I think I'm falling for her. Hard."

I miss talking to my dad, and he was always on my ass about putting myself out into the world and letting people get to know me. I always fought him on it, saying it was better for everyone if I didn't. I understand now that he only wanted me to be happy again. Chase Cooper is my best friend, but my dad was something more. I'm still mad he's gone. I bet if I told a therapist I talk to him like this, they'd say I'm an idiot. It's probably why I left my last therapist.

"She makes me feel, Dad. I almost went out into the studio tonight instead of coming up here, and I haven't been in there since—" I stop myself and sit in silence as the pain passes. "She just might be my muse, Dad. I miss being around her already.

"Remember that last girl I brought home? It was right after the divorce, and you managed to trick me into going out to the studio to get you something before I took her up to my room." I run my fingers over the scuffed-up wood floors as my mind wanders. "I came back in, and she was long gone. You never told me what you said to her, but I don't think I ever thanked you enough for that. You knew I wasn't ready, and she wasn't right. I don't think you'd chase this one out. I would run after her and bring her back if you did."

I tell him about the coffee shop, job, dinner, and dancing. I tell him how alive she makes me feel and how I'm going to dig out my old sketchpad and bring it with me tomorrow. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to my back hurting like a motherfucker and my phone alarm going off.

I look around, trying to remember why I'm on the floor, and then it hits me. I grab the phone and realize I slept through twenty minutes of alarm noise.

"Shit!" I jump up, shower, and change; no time to shave. I'm out the door in fifteen minutes, headed to Lexi's with the biggest smile I've had on my face in years.