52 Skyler Leaves the Window Open

August 15th

"Would it be okay if you what?" Robin squeaked.

"Well," I began, nervousness itching at my skin, "if my feelings changed once with Delia, that means it can happen again, right?" Maybe this was when things would click, when I would finally know what I was. "It couldn't hurt to try."

"No." He gulped, eyes wide. "No, it could not."

I inched forward until our foreheads were barely touching. His warm breath brushed against my cheek, which was strange but not totally off-putting. Maybe I was worrying for nothing. I closed my eyes—

"Wait!" A hand pressed against my mouth.

My eyes shot back open to see Robin leaning back, palm firmly between us. His face was scrunched up, like he'd just been punched in the stomach.

"I'm sorry," he groaned. "I'm so sorry. This is wrong."

I blinked back the whiplash of how this conversation had gone. "It ... is?"

"Yes." Robin dropped his hand, moving it to twist in the hem of his shirt. "You shouldn't have to force yourself to have feelings for me if you don't. I don't want that." His face pulled into a watery smile. "I would love to be your friend. A-and you're not Peter Pan, okay? Don't think I didn't catch that. You're not a kid, or stunted, or whatever, ugh, and I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. I mean," he sputtered, seeming to struggle for a moment, "look, I-I saw your face, when you thought I was going to kiss you, and—" he swallowed. "You didn't ... you don't want to do this. Not really. And that's fine. If your feelings change one day, cool. I would like to, um, be there when— if that happens, but if it doesn't happen,then that doesn't make you a little boy. Or"—he grimaced—"you know, broken. And I shouldn't have made you feel that way. I'm sorry. I'm just ... so sorry."

My throat had gone tight, and I was frozen on the bench. Something like a hysterical laugh bubbled out of my chest before I could stop it, and I pressed my hands to my forehead. "Okay?"

Robin pulled my hands down and held them tight between us. "I would be so incredibly honored to be your friend. Like, obviously you shouldn't want to be mine because I'm literally the worst person in the world—"

"You're not."

"I am, though! It's sad. And I'm sad. And everything is sad and it's all my fault."

Robin had never been able to hide anything on his expressive face—it was twisted with regret now, like he was so sure I would pay him back by running away from him this time, or yelling, or telling him to his face that he was awful.

All I felt was relief, the cloud of expectation lifting from my shoulders. He didn't think I was broken or lying. He still wanted to be my friend.

"It's not your fault," I reassured him—the memory of the despair on his face last night briefly resurfacing before I shoved it back down. "I guess you can't help your feelings any more than I can."

"But I'm so sorry I made you uncomfortable," Robin said softly, biting his lip. "I'm so sorry." He took a deep breath. "Um. Actually. C-can I hug you?"

My shoulders relaxed, a smile tugging at my lips. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that a lot."

Robin pulled me in, his arms curling around my shoulders. I gripped his waist, and this was so much nicer than cradling him after a traumatic event. His hair brushed my cheek, and it smelled clean, and like strawberries. I let myself nuzzle into the embrace.

My phone buzzed.

"Oh, sorry—" I disengaged from Robin to see that Matt was calling. "I could—"

"Don't worry about it!" Robin said quickly, all but leaping from the bench. "I'll go grab us one of those popcorn balls shaped like the Death Star."

I grinned. "Please do. Ask for extra salt."

Robin flashed me finger-guns with both hands and scurried back toward the convention center. I hit Answer.

"Hey, Matt."

"So for the sake of transparency, I'm still thinking about what we were talking about last night, so I wanted to check in and see if we're good. Plus, Delia hasn't heard from you in a minute and wanted to make sure you weren't dead."

I eased back down onto the bench, nudging my shoe against the metal frame. With all that had been going on, I'd been neglecting the group chat. "I'll text her," I promised guiltily. "And everything's good; it's just ... we talked about what happened last night. Me and Robin."

"Aaand ..."

"And I asked if maybe I should kiss him. Like. To make sure."

"You did what now."

"I didn't, though," I said before Matt could do something dumb like freak out. "He said he didn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do and apologized for making me uncomfortable."

There was a loud silence before Matt huffed in my ear. "Well, that was the bare minimum, so good on him for that, I guess. But Skyler, what the fuck, dude? I told you not to try and act the way other people want you to."

"But then wouldn't I just be acting the way you want me to?"

"You know, you're being real funny, but you said you offered to kiss him. So if he hadn't stopped it, you would've done it, right?"

I paused, really thinking about it. About how close it had been to happening. About how I'd been able to feel Robin trembling beside me and how I'd been nervous, but not in a tummy fluttering way—I'd been nervous that it wouldn't work. That I wouldn't be able to give Robin what he wanted. "I guess."

"You guess." Matt was quiet again, which wasn't a good sign. "Okay, so, thought," he finally said. "Don't freak out, okay, but I think you should really come back home for a bit."

"But I've only been here a month," I protested. "I'm set up in a dorm, I have a job here, classes—"

"Skyler Lancelot Evans," Matt barked, even though that was not, and never had been, my middle name, "if you don't come home this instant for this intervention that I've just decided to stage for you, I'm going to take this up with a higher power."

I blinked at the phone. "God?"

"Worse. Mom."

"You wouldn't."

"I would and I will and so help me I will bro-nap you straight out of California and the whole family will back me up."

He was still convinced he was right. That at some point I should be content with the fact that I was always going to be different—more different—than everyone around me. That I was doomed to disappoint anyone who dared to like me. But I still hoped that I could change sometime down the line.

"Fine." I sighed. My classes were Pass/Fail anyway. I'd be able to get away with it. "I'll book a ticket." Another thirty-hour bus ride wouldn't kill me.

I swiped over to my private chat with Delia, wanting to make good on my promise before I could change my mind.

Skyler: sorry I've been quiet but I wanted to beat matt to the news: I'm coming home to visit for a few days

Her reply came in almost instantly.

Delia: OH HELL YEAH it's gonna be so good to see you, we're gonna eat so much ice cream and barf 3

I smiled down at my phone for a long minute, and I sent her a GIF of a sparkle-puking cartoon cat before my eyes could fixate on the heart.

Robin was returning, hands full of what looked like gigantic salty, caramel-y Death Star-y abomination goodness, hair bouncing and a bright smile lighting up his face. We'd only just decided to be friends and I'd have to tell him that I was leaving.

Was I running away again?

"I told them to throw all the salt they owned on here," Robin chirped, shoving one of the giant popcorn balls at me before plopping back down on the bench, "so RIP your blood pressure."

"Thanks." I chewed on my lip for a moment. "Um. So, I think I'm going to pop back home for a little bit to visit. Only for a few days."

Robin froze, Death Star halfway to his mouth. "Oh. Yeah, okay. Everything okay?"

Define okay."I think so, it's just ... I have some things to work out with Matt." And Delia would be there. I needed to be able to face her. To get closure. "Like, I'm not looking forward to the bus ride, but it'll be nice to see him again since we've made up."

Robin was nodding a bit jerkily. "Right, right. Um, so buses suck; what if I drove you there? Unless that's weird. Is that weird? I don't want to overstep. I totally get it if you want to do this alone—"

"That would be great, actually," I said, a wave of fondness rolling through me at the delighted surprise on Robin's face. "Thank you."

It hadn't even occurred to me that Robin would offer to drive me all the way back to Seattle. But spending some more time with him sounded nice, and I'd have both him and my family in the same place; everyone who cared about me along for the ride while I tried to figure out who and what I was—

Maybe I didn't have to do it alone this time.