4 Skyler Might （Possibly） Have Made a Mistake

July 15th

I knew the second I stumbled off the Greyhound bus that my knees would never be the same again. They creaked and cracked as I tried to stretch, like I was forty instead of eighteen, and my stomach immediately took care to remind me that in the last thirty hours I had eaten nothing that resembled A Food—only mediocre peanuts, gummy worms, and some stale Doritos.

This was my own fault.

Some others that had been traveling on this same bus as long as I had—since Seattle—shuffled around me to grab their bags, while a bunch more remained in their cramped seats, continuing their journeys to who-knows-where. The Norsemen campus bus stop where they unceremoniously dumped us wasn't as busy as I'd expected, but then it was almost 7 p.m. and everyone else had probably moved into their dorms by now.

Sure enough, I lugged my rolling suitcase and my overstuffed backpack toward what I was informed was the registration office and saw a steady swarm of parents puttering away from their kids' dorms after what had likely been a nice afternoon of helping them move. There were some tearful goodbyes, and parents asking if their kid wanted to join them for dinner; that could've been my family. Could have been me getting taken out to some local restaurant by my parents. They had been so excited to drive me down to California—even if they would have preferred me to stay local, like I'd initially planned. We were going to have a leisurely drive and make frequent stops and they would have brought the rest of my belongings during that one trip instead of needing to mail them to me now ...

I could've eaten food and showered. I could've hugged them goodbye properly. I could've—

"Hiya! Welcome to campus!" The lanyard-wearing RA with an oversized Norsemen hoodie greeted me in the lobby with more energy than I was prepared for. "You Skyler Evans? I only have a couple students left to check in, so you gotta be one of them."

"Yep."

"Awesome." She held up a binder stuffed to the brim with paperwork. "Anyone helping you move in today?"

I shook my head. It was just me, alone, by choice. I had decided to be independent and impulsive for the first time in my life, and now I was standing on a campus I'd never stepped foot on before, in a state I'd never stepped foot in before, overwhelmed with anxiety.

I deserved it.

The RA talked at me for a bit about dorm regulations and stuff as we toured the hall, but I was distracted by thoughts of my mom. She would've listened eagerly to every rule and explanation, ready to break them down for me. She would've loved that. She and Dad could've walked me to my room and helped me set things up, and I wouldn't have felt so desperately alone.

We arrived at my dorm room, which was a single and the most depressing shade of off-white I'd ever seen.

"I know everything kind of looks like prison," the RA continued, shrugging apologetically. "But it spruces right up once you throw some posters on the wall and, like, string fairy lights or whatever."

"Right," I agreed. "To hide the escape route I carve into the wall with a spoon."

"That's the spirit," she said, stepping back into the hall and leaving me alone. Well, alone-er.

I considered sinking onto the bare mattress, but my legs were still stiff from the bus. So instead I dug out my phone and stared at all the missed texts in the family group chat after I'd let Mom and Dad know I was alive and that I made it to campus.

Mom: Hi sweetie! I'm glad you got there okay! Did you find your dorm? Are the people nice? Have you eaten yet?

Dad: Simone stop bombarding the boy

Dad: but actually are you good? We love you honey

Howard and Simone Prescott were nothing if not endlessly supportive. I responded, assuring them that I was good and was sorry I'd left so abruptly, and no, the ride hadn't been too bad, and yes, I definitely ate food.

The group chat texts from Matt and Delia, however, were a bit more mixed.

Delia: HI SKYLER I miss you! You left in such a hurry, you okay?

Delia: pls stop taking so long to respond, Matt's been moping for the last two days, it's very sad

Matt: NO I HAVENT SHUT UP

Matt: hi skyler im here too, unlike you

Matt: bon voyage and sayonara I guess

And then there were my brother's private texts, sent from earlier today when I'd been deep in crappy wi-fi land. Each one sent an all-too-familiar roll of nausea through me.

Matt: text me when you get there so I know you're alive

Matt: You really didn't need to go out of state if you didn't want to hang out with me for college ok

Matt: just say you hate me, rip it off like a band-aid

My stomach clenched, and I struggled for a reply. Finally, like a coward, I sent a GIF to the group chat to let them know I was alive, but that was it.

The sun had set, and what little of my remaining energy had sunk with it. I decided to pass on a shower and simply lose consciousness. Maybe when I woke up, all my decisions would make sense.