Chapter 17 - Roan

Chapter 17 Roan

The stars shone brightly, glittering in the night sky like diamonds as I laid on the grass watching them. I’d wanted to give Nyssa some privacy to talk with the story spirits and the library, plus, it really was a beautiful night out. Owls hooted hellos to each other while the thrum of insects created a melody in the background.

Stargazing was always so calming. I did it as often as possible, enjoying the familiar sight no matter where I traveled. The constellations might change, but the vibes were the same. Peaceful and quiet, as if this view was just for me and nature.

It was especially helpful when I had some tough thoughts to work out. I’d been all set to leave, to start a new adventure, when Jade showed up and made herself a problem. How could I leave now when I had no idea what she was planning?

The library deserved better than her sniffing around, even if she meant well. She was too focused on being the best that she often missed what was right in front of her. I guess we all missed this one though.

I couldn’t believe the library was alive. How many magical libraries had I visited over the years? How many times had I felt that comforting aura and just assumed it was because the building was full of good books and good people?

After all this time as an adventurer, the world was still full of surprises.

The library’s warm glow spilled out as the door opened and Nyssa walked outside with a fluffy blanket in her arms.

“Thought you might be getting cold out here,” she said, unfurling the blanket on the grass next to me. “Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not,” I said, shifting onto the blanket. It offered a warm barrier against the increasingly damp grass.

Nyssa settled on the blanket beside me, her shoulder brushing against mine. I felt myself drawn to the way her skin glowed softly in the moonlight and the way she studied the sky with a little smile on her face. Suddenly, I had something even more beautiful than the stars to look at and that scared me.

“So about Jade,” I said, “she’s not going to give up easily.”

She sighed. “Yeah, I figured. We need a plan.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that, actually. Adventurers work on jobs that people post at the guild. If we can convince the people who posted those jobs to take them back or mark them as complete, then she won’t have any reason to act against the library anymore.”

Her eyes widened. “Is it really that simple?”

“In theory, yes,” I said with a laugh, “but in practice? Probably not. I’m not sure how we’ll convince anyone the library isn’t haunted, but it’s worth a shot.”

Nyssa nodded. “Once people meet the story spirits, I’m sure they’ll have a change of heart. Thanks for the good idea.” She shifted onto her elbows, looking down at me. “You know, I can handle that part on my own if you still wanted to leave.”

“No, I said I’d stay until the library was safe. It wouldn’t feel right leaving in the middle of all this.”

She frowned. “I know you said that, but you’re not obligated to help us. You said so yourself: adventurers take missions people post at the guild. I didn’t post any missions and that little bet of ours is already done, so you really don’t owe me anything. You can leave and I won’t blame you. I’ve got a plan now and the story spirits will help me.” She smiled warmly. “We’ll be okay.”

My hands clenched as an uncomfortable feeling swept over me.

“But Jade being here is my fault,” I said slowly. “I’ll stay until she’s taken care of.”

“She’s apparently been here before, so she would come again with or without you. It’s not your fault.” Her long hair drifted in the breeze, tickling my arm. “You don’t work for the library, so I can handle it from here.”

Everything she was saying made sense, but my chest ached more and more with each word. She really didn’t need me. I’d always known that, but hearing it spoken so assuredly was painful. I could give my missions to Master Carmine and let Nyssa know which townsfolk to talk to about them. She was surrounded by people who would help her and she’d never give up on her dreams, so I knew she’d succeed.

I could leave tomorrow and she’d be fine.

She frowned again, her gaze falling on the blanket as she fiddled with it. “I’m not saying you have to leave, just that you can if you want to. You seemed pretty set on it earlier.” Her gaze flicked up for a moment, meeting mine. “I thought you were happy here, but then you suddenly wanted to leave, which is fine, I’m just curious about why?”

I gazed at the stars, shining brilliantly above us. If I was going to leave, I might as well tell her the truth. She deserved that much.

“It started with Cerbie,” I said, feeling a little foolish. “I realized I’d gotten into a routine with him and that freaked me out.”

“Routines freak you out?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” I said. “I rarely stay anywhere long enough to build habits. Once you do that, you’re attached to people or places, and it hurts a lot more when you have to leave.”

“That’s...fair,” she said, nodding. “But it also sounds lonely.”

“Better to be alone than to have people disappoint you all the time.”

Her eyes widened as she reached out to touch my arm. “Do you really believe that? It kind of sounds like you’re afraid of getting hurt, but you don’t strike me as the type of guy who gives in to fears like that.”

I stiffened, pulling away from her. That wasn’t a fear, it was a fact. People always disappointed me if I gave them the chance.

My parents. Jade. The guild. Everyone I’d ever gotten close to.

“It’s just how the life of an adventurer is,” I said, “constantly on the move and all. My parents were the same way, always moving around even when I was a kid. Until one day they left me at a guild and told me to adventure on my own from now on. That I was old enough to get by.”

“That’s horrible,” Nyssa said softly. “I’m sorry that happened to you. If it were me, I’d want a home even more after something like that.”

Home. That was a word I didn’t really understand, but something I was craving more and more. Being here had shown me a glimpse of what a home could be like, what it should feel like, and it was beautiful.

“I’ll settle down eventually,” I said, forcing a smile on my face. “Just not right now. I haven’t found anywhere I’d feel comfortable calling home yet anyway.”

My gaze drifted to the library, to the warm glow of the lights shining in the windows and the sound of the story spirits having a good time. Cerbie woofed in the background, making me wish he was out here with us.

“How can you find a place you feel comfortable if you keep running away?” Nyssa asked, her eyes kinder than her words sounded. “It doesn’t have to be here, of course, but you should find somewhere that makes you happy and try staying there for a while. See what you feel after that.”

“Not worth the risk.”

“If that’s not worth the risk, then what is?” she asked, her eyebrows pinched together. “You travel all over, fighting and doing missions, but none of that really matters if you aren’t happy. If you don’t let people see how amazing you really are, then you’re taking all those risks for nothing. What are you really getting out of it? Gold? Reputation? Is that what makes you happy?” She shook her head. “I somehow doubt that, because I’ve seen how happy being here has made you. That’s what you should be risking everything on. Find people that make you happy and don’t let them go. Don’t abandon them before giving them a real chance.”

Her words were like a shock of cold water being splashed in my face. Abandon them? Was that really what I’d been doing up until now? No, I was happy with how my life was and I certainly wasn’t the one doing the abandoning.

I didn’t need friends or family. I was fine on my own.

Or at least, I thought I was. Before I spent time here. Maybe I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to leave me again, so I actually did prefer abandoning them first. What kind of person did that make me?

Nyssa laid back down on the blanket, staring up at the stars while my thoughts raced. Eventually, she nudged me.

“See how those stars look like a nest with a really bright one in the center?” She pointed up at the sky. “That’s the Phoenix Nest constellation and just like the phoenix can start over whenever it needs to, so can you. Just because you’ve always done something one way, doesn’t mean you always have to. And just because you might see a new way now doesn’t mean the old way was wrong. It’s just different.”

“The Phoenix Nest, huh?” I followed where she was pointing. “I was always told that was the Dragon’s Lair and that bright star in the middle was the treasure.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course an adventurer would be taught about treasure instead of rebirth.”

I laughed and the tension in the air eased a bit. A breeze drifted over us and Nyssa shivered. I scooted closer, until our sides were touching and her muscles, tense from shivering, relaxed. She smiled as the back of her hand brushed against mine, fingers reaching out as if she wanted to hold my hand.

We continued pointing out other constellations like the Book of Creation and the Forge of the Gods. I made a few up on the fly too, just to see how she’d react. She smiled and pushed me, getting a bit closer with each movement. Soon she’d be in my lap if this kept up. Oh how I wanted this to keep up.

I finally shifted my hand, lacing my fingers through hers. Her breath hitched as she turned to look at me, her gaze falling on our interlocked hands.

“Maybe we should head inside and warm up,” she said abruptly, extracting her fingers from mine. “I didn’t mean to keep you out here so long. You’re probably leaving in the morning, right?”

My whole body felt cold, already missing her warmth as she sat up. Did I do something wrong? Maybe she was taking a page from my book and not wanting to get close to somebody who was going to leave.

“Honestly? I don’t know anymore.”

“Oh?” She shifted, putting her hand on the ground on the other side of my waist so she was leaning over me. “You know you can stay here, right? If you want to. It doesn’t have to be forever, but you can try the whole getting close to people thing if you want. Make some friends, play fetch with Cerbie a few more times. Whatever makes you happy.”

That almost sounded too good to be true. Maybe I should try it, just for a bit.

Behind her, the sky lit up as shooting stars fell to the earth. It was beautiful, backdropping Nyssa in an otherworldly glow like she was a goddess. My goddess.

“Turn around,” I said, pointing up at the sky.

Her mouth dropped open as her eyes lit up in wonder. This was my idea of a perfect night, just watching the stars with a beautiful woman on a serene mountaintop that even the gods had shown favor on. These shooting stars blessed us.

She grinned down at me. “Make a wish.”

“What?”

“You’re supposed to wish on a shooting star,” she said, shaking her head like she couldn’t believe I didn’t know that. “Maybe it’ll come true.”

She was so full of hope and dreams, always seeing the best in every situation. Her passion was infectious, making me want to try new things too. But most of all...I wanted her.

And for once, I wasn’t going to run away from that. No, I’d stay here, protect the library, and give myself time to figure out all these feelings between us. I closed my eyes, wishing for the one thing I was most afraid of wishing for: to be wanted.

To be loved.