Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Zack

As I walk in the front door of our house, I realize I don’t even remember the drive home from Nikki’s. That happens a lot lately. Minutes, hours and days disappear. I’m alive, but I’m not really living. It’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve to feel. Not when Emily can’t anymore.

But being near Nikki makes me feel. It’s not just in my head either. It’s physical too. A draw, a pull, an energy that zaps me back from the land of numb. Even the slightest touch, a simple handshake, brings me back to life. Sure I remember the excitement of being around Emily. The ache in my groin just from a glimpse of her in a bikini. But I don’t remember this. When Nikki tripped out of the car tonight, my legs went so weak at the touch of her body that I almost fell myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I toss and turn all night trying to stop feeling, but the emotions are just too powerful. I shower for school the next morning, reasoning with myself that all I need to do is stay away from her. If I don’t touch, the feeling won’t come back. It should be simple.

***

It saddens me that nothing seems to have changed, yet everything is different. The numbness I wanted so desperately last night found me the moment I walked into school. Maybe it was the sight of a gaggle of girls in the courtyard who reminded me of Emily. Beautiful bodies dressed to perfection, outlined with golden hair. Poised for viewing. The courtyard was Emily’s favorite place to show off her runway outfits.

Walking into school doesn’t get easier with each day that passes. Dad said it would and so did the leader of the support group Mom and Dad made me go to every week all summer. But they’re wrong. They’re all wrong.

It happens again as I walk into Mr. Davis’s class. I realize the walk between the courtyard and class is lost. But when I walk into English, I’m pulled back by the sight of Nikki. The only open desk in the room is directly behind her. She looks down into her notebook, seemingly so unaffected by everyone around her…guys showing off, girls carrying on about their ridiculously overpriced shoes.

I inhale a deep breath and walk to the desk. I almost make it past her when she looks up and spots me. I recognize the expression on her face. She doesn’t know how to react to my presence. It’s an expression I’m way too familiar with the last few months.

Allie either doesn’t notice or ignores my brooding. “Hey Zack. Thanks for driving Keller and Nikki home last night. My car is out of commission for now.”

“No problem,” I mumble as I take the seat behind Nikki and next to Allie.

Keller slams his body into the seat on the other side of me. “Coach said you better show up at football practice today if you want to play at homecoming.” He tries to sound like he’s just delivering a message, but it’s also his own curiosity wanting to know if I’m coming back to the team.

“I’ve only missed a few days,” I snap back at him.

“A few days and the entire summer,” he quickly reminds me. “If it was anyone else he wouldn’t even let them play. But I think he’s serious. You better come to practice today.”

Nikki looks up from her notes with a strain of her eyes to pay attention. Our eyes meet and she looks away quickly. There’s no smile on her face. I need to see it, be the one to put it there.

Trying to make light and ease the tension in the air, I respond to Keller but look at Nikki, “I might just have to come back to the team. Poor Nikki shouldn’t have to watch you try and play quarterback at homecoming. It wouldn’t be fair to our new classmate.”

Nikki turns toward me, a smile lighting her face. And there it is again— that feeling of being alive.

The next forty minutes of English fly by while I examine Nikki from behind. Not the kind of from behind most guys want to examine. Instead I watch her hair sway across her shoulders as she moves back and forth in her seat. She seems almost restless, barely able to sit still.

I think about saying something to her directly as we exit class, but Keller intercepts the opportunity, his large frame blocking my way. Still waiting for a real answer from me, he won’t relent.

“I’ll take it easy on you at practice. Don’t want to hurt you, being that you’re so out of shape and all,” Keller baits me.

“Take it easy on me? You’re the one who’s out of shape, buddy.” As we walk down the hallway, I knock him gently into the lockers alongside him.

Keller recovers and returns the shove, grinning. “That pretty boy face is going to wind up bruised if you try that again.” It’s a threat, but there’s nothing but pleasure in this voice.

A few other members of the team catch up to the two of us. All week, the halls have been brimming with talk of homecoming and the big game, and today is no different. Football player egos crowd the halls just as I veer off toward my next class.

“See you at practice,” Keller yells after me with conviction, as I disappear into chemistry.

He just might.