22. Scarlett

Chapter 22

Scarlett

S carlett wandered along the banks of the Tana River in the gardens behind the palace. The thin dusting of snow they'd gotten that morning had melted in the afternoon sun, and the evening chill settled over her bones. She drew her cloak tighter around herself. It was thin, but the only thing she could find so it would have to do, she supposed. She had left a note for the others that she would not be at dinner this evening. She just needed some time to…

She didn't know what she needed time for. She had awoken that morning feeling tired and empty. It had been nearly two weeks since the courtyard dramatics. It had taken five days before Sorin had finally relented and allowed Eliza to begin training her in the mornings. Scarlett flexed and rolled her wrist on the arm that had been broken under her cloak. While it had healed well enough under Beatrix's care, it was still sore after a day of wielding weapons and practicing combat moves.

Eliza had seemed to sense something amiss this morning during their training session. Scarlett had known she was being sloppy and making careless mistakes, but Eliza hadn't said a word about it. In fact, she had backed off on her own maneuvers .

And had apparently reported such to Sorin because when he came to take her to the Courtyard for their afternoon magic training, he had looked her over carefully before asking too casually how she was doing. She hadn't been able to focus there either. He had ended their time together earlier than normal and asked to walk back to the palace with her rather than portal, but she had declined. When they'd gotten back to their rooms, she had gone straight to the bathing room, shutting the door behind her. She hadn't bathed, though. She had waited until she'd heard him leave to have his usual afternoon briefing with his Inner Court. Then she'd left her note, grabbed a cloak and somehow found herself walking in the cold evening air.

Her thoughts were everywhere today. Cassius. Nuri. The orphans. And memories she worked so hard to keep shoved down seemed to be clawing their way to the surface. Not just Juliette and Mikale, but memories of punishments from the Assassin Lord and images of pain she'd inflicted upon her assignments.

All of it pressed in on her today. Cyrus had said it had taken time to find his way out of the dark. That the stars were always worth fighting for. And she had been trying. Every day she had been fighting through the unending and relentless grief and panic and guilt that crashed upon her. And today she awoke not feeling like she had any fight left in her.

Today she awoke and felt utterly and completely empty.

Scarlett hadn't realized she'd stopped beside the river. Her hands rubbed at her arms as she stared across it to the mountains towering in the distance.

She didn't know how long she'd been standing there when she felt the pulse of heat behind her. How he had found her, she didn't know, but she sighed at the sound of his boots on the earth. She didn't even bother to look over her shoulder at him when she said, "I do not want company, nor do I wish to speak right now, Sorin."

"I did not come to do either of those two things, only to bring you these." She couldn't decipher the emotions in his voice when she turned to face him. A heavy cloak was wrapped around his own shoulders, and his breath was visible as he watched her, his face solemn. He held a bundle of fabric in his arms, and Scarlett arched a brow at him in question.

"It's freezing out, Scarlett," he said quietly, taking a small step towards her. "I know it gets far colder here than it does in Baylorin, and it's not even technically winter yet." He picked up something off the top of the bundle and held them up. A pair of gloves. She didn't say anything, just glanced at the remaining item in his arms. "A fur-lined cloak," he said by way of explanation.

She said nothing as she turned back to face the river once more, and she felt him come up beside her. He handed the gloves over, and she silently slid them on. The insides were fur-lined too, and her frozen fingers burned at the sudden warmth.

"Hold this," he instructed, holding out the other cloak to her. She obeyed, and he quickly unclasped the thin cloak she currently wore and slung it over his shoulder. He reached wordlessly for the thicker one, unfolding it and wrapping it around her shoulders. His eyes came to hers as he quickly did up the buttons, and she couldn't help but think of the short journey here when he'd often done the same.

She'd felt like this at that time, too. Lost. Unrelenting grief. Unyielding pain.

A flood of heat wrapped around her, and she knew it was his magic as he reached over her shoulder and pulled up the hood for her.

"Do you need anything else?" he finally asked softly.

Yes? No? She wanted to feel something, anything, but the emptiness beckoned. She knew she could find a short reprieve at his hands physically, but she'd still be left with…this. These broken pieces of herself.

Pieces he'd contributed to shattering.

The thought had her turning from him and continuing to walk along the river without a word.

She rounded a small bend, and the path was so covered by trees, the sun had not reached these parts. The snow that had been falling the last few days had not melted, but had accumulated. She stopped at the edge, stooping and scooping up a handful of the cold flakes. She wanted to cry, but tears would not come. She didn't have it in her to rage or scream or do anything really. She scooped up another handful of snow, letting it drift back to the ground.

"It's okay, you know." His soft voice floated down to her, but she didn't look up at him. There were several moments of silence. She had stilled, not knowing where he was going with this. The soft crunch of footsteps sounded, and then he was stooping down beside her. "It is okay to have hard days, Scarlett." His tone was impossibly tender. "It is okay if some days the only thing you manage to do is survive. That is okay."

At those words, she finally turned to him. Eyes of gold, full of concern and understanding and an emotion she wasn't ready to acknowledge, met her own. "I feel like all I've been doing is surviving, Sorin," she whispered. "I don't want to just survive any more. I want to live . I want to feel something other than…this."

Scarlett tipped her hand, dumping the snow and watching it fall back to the mound. Sorin was quiet beside her for another long moment. "The things you have experienced in your short life," he paused, as if trying to find the words. "Those are things that will get easier to live with over time, but they are memories that you will still carry with you forever. They are memories that will still sneak up on you at the oddest times, when you are not expecting it."

"I don't know what is wrong with me today," she whispered.

"There is nothing wrong with you, Scarlett. You just had a hard day. That is okay."

The silence stretched on between them once more. She finally stood, and he rose beside her, a steady presence. She looked out over the river once more, saying quietly, "Briar told me you only drown if you stay in the river." She swallowed as the last of the sun dipped behind the mountains, and the night enveloped them. How long had they been out here?

She turned to face him, pulling her cloak tighter around herself. "I don't want to be in the river any more, Sorin." Her voice cracked on the last words.

His arms were around her in the next breath, pulling her to him, like he'd been waiting for this moment. As if he'd known it was coming. "I am not going to let you drown, Scarlett."

She let him hold her in the dark, breathing him in and soaking in his warmth. As he sent another flood of heat through her, she grumbled, "I hate the cold."

Sorin huffed a laugh, pulling back to look into her eyes. "Are you ready to go back to where it is warm?"

She only nodded, and a fire portal appeared before them. He took her hand in his and led her through into the warmth of his sitting room. Reaching up, she pushed back the hood of her cloak and took off her gloves. Sorin was taking them from her a heartbeat later, and he sent a fire message of some sort as she reached up and unbuttoned her cloak. He took that from her, too, striding to the hooks near the main door and hanging them upon it.

"I asked Camilla to send up some food," he told her as he came to her once more. "I am assuming you did not eat."

"I didn't. Thank you," she answered, walking over to the fire and holding her hands out to it, watching the flames flicker and dance among each other. After several minutes, she turned to ask Sorin a question and found him sitting on the brick red sofa, his head propped on a hand on the arm of it, watching her, a soft smile playing on his lips.

That look she wasn't willing to acknowledge was again glimmering in his eyes, and the question she had been about to ask flew from her mind as she met his eyes. "What?"

The smile turned into a slight frown. "You look tired."

"My soul is tired," she sighed.

"Yes, but you look physically tired as well. You need to rest more. The more magic you do, the more energy your body will use up. It is what feeds your magic. You need to make sure you are eating enough and getting enough sleep," he replied.

Scarlett rolled her eyes. "I really thought we were past this whole mother hen thing." His small smile made another appearance. "How was dinner?" she asked, turning back to the fire once more.

"It was fine, I suppose. As fine as it can be without you there."

"Don't say things like that. "

"Say things like what?"

"Like it makes any difference if I am here or not. I am not a part of this Court. It wouldn't matter if I returned to Baylorin tomorrow."

Sorin was silent for so long that she finally turned back again to see if he had left the room. He was still seated in the same spot, his head propped, but his eyes were narrowed slightly. "Come here."

Scarlett wrinkled her nose. "No."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

He huffed a laugh. "Please come here," he patted the spot on the sofa beside him.

She sighed and crossed the small space. She sat down, tucking her feet up underneath her, propped her elbow on the back and angled to face him. He stretched an arm towards her, resting it just behind her elbow, and turned to face her as well.

"While I do not particularly enjoy you going off to be by yourself, I understand the need to do so from time to time. I understand hard days, Scarlett, I do, but do not for one second think that your missing presence is unnoticed or unfelt. Do not for one second think you do not make a difference. Do not—" Sorin broke off as she broke eye contact with him, her eyes dropping to her lap. His fingers brushed against her arm on the back of the sofa. His voice was even lower when he spoke again. "Do not for one second think that you do not matter."

There was a knock on the door, and Camilla called out, "Prince Aditya? I have the food you requested."

"Thank you, Camilla," he answered, not moving an inch. "Please leave it by the door. I will grab it in a moment." There was the soft thunking of a tray and light footsteps leaving down the hall. Still, he did not move to retrieve it.

His fingers were making light strokes on her arm. "Scarlett—"

"Don't, Sorin. Please just…don't," she whispered.

Sorin stood then and crossed to the door, bringing the food in and bringing it back to the sofa. He set it on the end table, and the smell of braised meat and fresh bread floated over to her. He fixed her a small plate and sat down once more, extending it to her. She reached for it, but when she went to pull it towards herself, he held firm, until she brought her eyes back to his. "I will never stop, Scarlett. I will never stop telling you that you matter and that you make a difference. I will never stop telling you that you are a necessity in my life, and I sure as shit will be sure and say it extra on the hard days."

He released the plate to her, and she didn't say anything as she brought it to her lap and ate the small dinner in silence. He had conjured a book from somewhere and read beside her while she ate, lost in her thoughts once more. The words he had just said settled deep within her. All of them. And not just this evening. Words from time in Baylorin floated back to her. The little things from tending to her wound after Alaric had hit her to ensuring she ate along the trip here to bringing her gloves tonight. He always seemed to know. He knew when to push her and when to let her be. He knew how to coax her out of foul moods and when she just needed someone to sit with her in the quiet.

"Did you get enough to eat?" he asked, noting her now empty plate.

She nodded mutely, and he took it from her, setting it back onto the tray on the end table. He picked up his book and began reading once more.

"What are you reading?" she asked quietly.

"A story about an arrogant creature of shadows who turns out to be an unknown princess," he answered, not looking at her.

Scarlett groaned.

"Wait, I'm not done," he continued. "She meets a devilishly handsome and splendid prince and—"

"I regret asking," she murmured, leaning back into the sofa.

The book closed, and an arm came around her shoulder. There was a soft brush of lips against her temple that had her leaning into him. He pulled a pillow from beside him and placed it in his lap. "You need to rest, Scarlett."

"You don't need to sit in here with me, Sorin." They usually spent their evenings lounging with the others in the den, playing cards or billiards or simply visiting .

"I am exactly where I need to be, Love," he answered, gently pulling her down to the pillow.

She turned onto her back so she could look up at him. His fingers grazed along her cheek, her jaw, her forehead. "Why do you think she took me from here?" she asked thoughtfully.

Sorin's brow furrowed at her question. "Who?"

"My mother. Why do you think she found it better to raise me in the mortal lands? What was she hiding me from? And why?"

"I don't know," he said softly. "It is something I have often pondered though."

"Today, tonight, while I trailed along the river, I thought of how my life might have been different. If she had made different choices. If I had been raised as a princess instead of a healer's daughter taught to kill and torture…" she trailed off.

"You cannot think that way. There are too many what ifs. Too many variables. You likely would not have met your sisters if that were the case. Or Cassius."

Her heart clenched at the sound of his name. "That's true, I suppose, but I also wouldn't have experienced the losses I have either," she sighed. Sorin was playing with a piece of her long hair now, twirling it around a finger while his head rested against a hand propped on the back of the sofa. "I should really change or bathe or something." She was still wearing her training clothes and had her boots propped on the end of the sofa.

He smiled and flames licked up and down her body. A moment later, she was in soft lounge pants and a top with two small straps. "Now you don't have to get up."

"That is rather convenient," she murmured, although she could still really use a bath. She could feel the day clinging to her. He was still watching her as he wound a lock of hair around his finger, the soft smile back on his lips. That look back in his eyes. "You've been looking at me like that all night," she whispered.

"How have I been looking at you?"

She couldn't bring herself to say it. She couldn't form the words. She didn't want to form the words because what if she was wrong? No. Today, on this hard day, she couldn't face it if she was wrong. So instead she said, "Thank you, Sorin."

His finger halted its twirling. "For what?"

"For pulling me from the river tonight."

"Thank you for trusting me enough to give me the privilege of doing so despite everything," he answered, fingers grazing her cheek once more.

She reached up and allowed her own fingers to brush along his cheek, his jaw. "I told you that day in the Courtyard, Sorin. I do not blame you for my mother's death. You are not responsible for that."

He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes briefly. "Thank you for that, Scarlett."

She brought her hand back down, resting it on her stomach as she turned her head to watch the flickering flames once more. After a few minutes, she heard Sorin pick up his book and begin reading.

Minutes or hours later, she didn't know, she felt familiar strong arms scooping her up as she groggily nestled into his chest. At some point she had fallen asleep in the comfortable silence, Sorin just there if she needed him. The bed dipped as he got in on his side, and she rolled to him. His arm came around her, tucking her into his side, her cheek on his chest and leg draped over his.

She was still in the same position when she woke the next morning, Sorin's arm wrapped tightly around her. She soaked him in. All of him. Her soul feeling lighter, so much lighter than it had yesterday. She lifted her head to find him watching her, that same look on his face from the night before.

"Good morning," he said softly, brushing stray hair back from her face.

"Morning."

His fingers lingered in her hair, and he said, "Today will be a better day."

She felt her cheeks flush slightly, but she held his stare, whispering, "Today I'm going to do more than just survive." The arm wrapped around her squeezed gently. "But on the hard days, promise me that you'll pull me from the river. "

"Always, Love," he answered. "I promise I will always pull you from the river and help you find the stars."

She pushed herself up to him and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, but he turned as she pulled away. His hand coming to her nape and holding her in place, his eyes locked on hers. "You, Scarlett Monrhoe, will never stop being a necessity in my life." His lips met hers in a gentle kiss. Short and sweet. He pulled back just far enough to look into her eyes. "Are you up for training today, or would you like me to tell Eliza you won't be there?"

"No, I want to train today," she said, shaking her head. "I feel…better today."

He brushed one more kiss to her cheek. "Go get ready then. She will be an ass if you are late."