35. Meggie

35

Meggie

I t feels like my world is being torn in pieces. Everything I've wanted, dreamed, guarded, the things I've barely dared to let myself hope for, are all being ripped away from me. But I also feel a strange sense of relief. Like rising to the surface after being underwater too long. I don't have to pretend anymore, and I don't have to carry the burden on my own anymore. They know.

I wait for Harrison to go on, to tell us what we're going to do. But he doesn't say anything. The clock on the wall ticks. A fly zips past me towards the sandwich meat left on the counter. And we all stay rooted to our seats. The air, thick with alpha pheromones. Their anger tints the summery fragrance with something dark and bitter.

I offered to leave, and I'll do it if that's what they want, but I really hope that's not what Harrison's about to say. I want to cry, to whimper, to fall on my knees and beg them to forgive me and let me stay with them. But I have just enough pride left to hold it together. I've lasted this long as a beta, ignoring my omega dependencies. I won't give into them now. Even if it would ruin me to walk away from these men.

"I really don't know what to do," Harrison repeats, shaking his head. The men around the table seem as shocked by his admittance as I am. Harrison is the strongest alpha I've ever met, the leader of this pack. He always has an opinion, always knows what to do.

We all look at each other, lost. I sniff and wipe away the tears I haven't been able to fend off completely. I need to be strong for whatever comes. Harrison's eyes meet mine, and I realize I don't just need to be strong for me. I need to be strong for him. For my alpha. My pack alpha. I've never seen him like this before. So conflicted.

I reach past Ellis and set my hand on top of Harrison's. "I'm sorry."

"You broke our trust, Meggie."

I swallow thickly. "I know."

He sighs, turns his hand over and laces our fingers together. "I understand why you did it. I know what it is to go after a dream at the cost of everything else."

Hope flutters behind my rib cage, and for a moment, it's just the two of us, so much unsaid, so much felt.

"What do you want me to do?" I ask quietly.

Nils stops rubbing my back, and I can tell Ellis is holding his breath. I don't dare look at the rest of the pack as I wait for Harrison to pass judgment.

"I don't want you to leave." His grip on my hand tightens. "You're… you're my scent match, Meggie. You're pack." He brings my hand up like he's going to kiss it, but stops a breath away from his lips. "If you'll have us. And if the rest of the pack agrees."

Even after barking at us, I know Harrison means it. He won't dictate a decision.

"What about the Olympics?" My heart pounds so fast it makes my ears feel like they're full of cotton.

Harrison opens his mouth and then closes it again without replying. Our joined hands fall back to the table.

"I want to play." The words are too soft, so I clear my throat and try again. "I've wanted to go to the Olympics since I was six years old. But I… I know what I'm asking of you. If you want me off the team, I'll quit."

"But you won't leave, right? You'll still join our pack?" Ellis's eyes are as eager as a puppy.

"We haven't all said we want her in the pack," McQuinn grumbles.

His words stab deep, but now isn't the time to focus on that. "I think…" I take a breath. "We can talk about that later. First, Paris."

I look to Harrison, who nods. "We'll take a vote."

"No. It can't be a vote." I look at each of the familiar faces around the table. Harrison, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Ellis, hopeful. Dante, wearing a serious expression, a deep crease between his brows.

Oz is looking at me like he wants to either spank me for lying or fuck me right here on this table. I can't tell which. McQuinn is glaring, his arms folded over his chest, his face slightly red, his expression harder than I've ever seen it.

And then there's Nils. Calm and confident. I lean into his shoulder, drawing from his strength as I look back at Harrison. "I won't go unless everyone agrees. Now that you know, now that you're all complicit, I don't want to drag anyone into something they're not comfortable with."

"So you'll back out of the Olympics?" McQuinn asks.

"I don't want to, but… yes. If one of you doesn't want me to go, I'll back out."

"Alright, I vote no," McQuinn says, sitting back down.

"Wait." Dante speaks up. "We can't make this decision today."

Harrison dips his chin in agreement and gives my hand a little squeeze. "One week. Think about what you want. In the meantime, we'll keep practicing. And we'll call Jackie in for some practices, too, as a backup. In a week, we'll decide."

I remember Jackie as one of the better betas at the tryouts. I guess she was their second choice. The thought of someone else playing with my team, my alphas , makes a little whine eek out of my throat.

Ellis touches my leg sympathetically, but none of us argue. It's best for them to be prepared. I doubt McQuinn is going to change his mind, and I have no idea where Dante and Oz stand, let alone Harrison. At the moment, Nils and Ellis are the only two I know want me on the team, as well as in the pack.

"But we shouldn't have Jackie come to the house," Nils says. "We can practice with her at the rec center."

"Why?" Oz leans his forearms on the table.

"Meggie should go off her blockers."

"What? I can't!"

Nils turns my chair so I'm angled towards him. "They aren't working as well lately, right?"

"Um… well, it's just…"

"Your proximity to us has made them less effective." He's using his doctor voice I've only heard once before when I got my nose punched at tryouts. "It's understandable. Especially as you've gotten closer to some of us." He tucks my hair behind my ear. "I think if you go off of them for a little while, it might make them more effective when you take them again."

"I was going to suggest it anyway," Harrison says. "Indifferent to what happens with the Olympics, I think I can speak for most of my pack when I say we'd like to court you as our omega."

"Court?" Oz laughs. Harrison glares at him, and he shuts up.

"It'll be best," Harrison continues, "if we can… explore compatibility." He lets go of my hand and shifts in his seat, almost like he's uncomfortable. It's endearing to see this side of him. He's always so commanding, but it's clear that sexuality is a topic that makes him uneasy, maybe even embarrassed. From what I know about him, it's not a jump to think he probably hasn't had a lot of experience. We're similar in that regard.

"What do you say, Meggie?" Nils asks.

I chew my bottom lip. "Um, I've never been off blockers before. Not since I first perfumed."

Which I guess wasn't that long ago, though two years feels like a long time.

"All the more reason to try it." Nils smiles his beautiful smile at me and a little zing of excitement zips through me. I can sense a subtle shift in the room, his eagerness to smell me again.

He clears his throat and that doctor's tone comes back into his voice. "If you come to Paris, we need to be certain you won't be found out. We can't have your blockers failing because your body's immune to them. You need to take a break."

"Okay, but I'm not going off suppressants. The last thing we need is me going into heat."

Someone chuckles, someone else growls, and a soft purr comes from Ellis. He seems startled by it. His eyes meet mine. "I've never purred before, but I think my alpha side likes the idea of you in heat."

His comment breaks the tension in the room, and I can't help laughing.

"Not gonna happen." But even as I say it, something in me sparks to life at the thought of being in heat with these six men. I picture us in the nest upstairs together, naked, sweaty, desperate for one another.

A subtle hint of apple breaks past my blockers, and nostrils flare around the table. The hungry look they give me makes every nerve in my body light up.

Their scents deepen until I feel like I've been transported somewhere far from this kitchen, far from this moment. My eyes roll closed, and I savor the fragrant notes coming off each of my alphas, soaking them in like I'm afraid I'll never smell them again.

I'm somewhere else, somewhere sensual, with ocean waves and summer breezes, sunshine and mojitos. Clouds roll in and a light rain forces us under an awning where warm lips touch damp skin. When the rain stops, we dry off by a campfire, shedding clothes for bare skin, touching under homemade quilts. And afterwards, thick slices of apple pie.

A growl. A moan. A purr.

My eyes fly open. Dante stands up sharply. "Double practices this week. Get some rest."

He circles the table, and before I can really make sense of what's happening, my hand is in his, and he's pulling me to my feet so fast I almost trip over Ellis, who's still squatting on the floor next to my chair.

Ellis stands up with a smirk on his lips and a ravenous look in his eyes. He scoops me right into his arms, and carries me straight up to the nest.