Chapter 25 I don’t feel the same

“Harder, Tic,” I pant out. My hands are already slipping against the counter with every thrust, but I need more.

The alpha behind be grunts out a sound that is more a growl that anything else. “More, omega? Really?”

“Really. Please .”

I should have known that our cooking lesson would devolve into sex. Everything I seem to do with the pack these days does. It’s like being free of the weight of my father’s commands has released my inner omega and now all she wants to do is fuck and be knotted and nest.

I may or may not have started to collect their clothing to weave into my blankets. For the first time ever, I’m building a nest. Granted, it’s just on the bed in my bedroom, nothing like the sweet little nesting rooms that most omegas have, but that doesn’t really matter to me, because it’s my first one. Mine. And I love the action of being able to do it, of getting it just right.

I want to ask about getting a proper nest, but we haven’t even discussed what we’re doing going forward. The most we’ve decided is that I’ll stay with them for the meantime. And they’ll keep me away from my father.

I cashed in my cooking lesson with Tic, and he taught me to make overnight cinnamon rolls. We reached the part where the dough was made and we just had to let it rise for an hour to an hour and a half. Before he could even think of cleaning up, I jumped him. Literally. I jumped right on him and ground my pussy against his cock and now here we are.

I moan when Tic leans forward, pressing his bare chest to my back, my breasts pressing into the flour spread over the surface. His hands slide along my arms until his fingers lace through mine. It’s intimate and lovely, and everything I ever wanted from an alpha. “Like this, angel? You want me deeper?” He’s all but grinding into me, his knot hitting my clit with perfect pressure. “You want my knot, omega?”

I mewl out a sound I didn’t know I could make before the Calloway pack. It’s the most I can manage right now, while my mind is full of pleasure and I can’t fucking focus on anything else.

“Words, angel,” he reminds me. All of them like hearing me say how much I want them. Apparently they find consent really fucking sexy because they ask me for it all the time.

“Yes, Tic, please knot me. Please. I need it.”

He presses against me harder, and I feel myself give way for his body, the tight pressure making my eyes cross before he pulls back, not giving me what I need.

“No!” I whine out. “Please. Please knot me, alpha. I need it. Please.”

He gives a low dirty chuckle, one hand releasing me to circle my hips and press against my clit as he picks up his pace, fucking me again. “Love hearing you beg, angel. Fucking love it. Gonna need you to keep doing that. Then I’ll give you what you want.”

“Please. Please. Please.” I repeat the word over and over until it all blends together.

“Tell me what you are, angel.”

I know what he wants, it’s the same thing all of them want. I’ve said the words so many times in the last few weeks it doesn’t even phase me anymore. “I’m your sweet little slut.”

He groans, bending forward to scrape his teeth over my shoulder. “That’s right. My sweet little slut. Look at you taking my cock so good, letting me fuck you right here where anyone could see.”

I mean any of his pack mates, but that’s not uncommon these days, anyway. Still, the idea of it, of being caught in this position, is enough to make me clench around his dick. My release is right there, so fucking close, but still just out of reach. “I’m close. Tic, I’m close.”

“I’m right there with you, baby,” he growls. His arms loop under my body, lifting my torso off the counter and my toes leave the ground. I drag my forearms under me, taking some of my weight, but most of it is on Tic. My legs sway back and forth with every thrust, my nipples brush against the soft flour, as Tic all but uses me as a sex toy, fucking into me hard and fast.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” I moan. “Yes. Yes. Yes.”

“That’s it. Give it to me, angel. Give it to me. So I can give you what you need.”

“Knot. Knot. Knot,” I chant. He chuckles like he loves hearing me beg for it. And then my body is moving, flipping. My shoulders meet the cold stone counter, my legs wrap around his hips, and his hand braces against my chest, pinning me in place. “You want it, omega? You want my knot?”

I make that mewling sound again. “Yes. Please. Please .”

“Say it.”

“I want your knot. I want your cum filling me up. I want you to breed me, Tic, please.”

His whiskey eyes go even more molten than they already were. The tendons in his neck stand out and I swear his teeth grind together.

“Take it, omega,” he growls out, slamming his hips forward and locking his knot in place. “Fucking take it.”

Stars explode behind my eyes as I scream. Tic goes in and out of my vision, his own release hitting him hard. I feel him spill inside me, over and over, hot cum filling me up as my body does what it does best and milks his knot.

“Fuck, Haven,” he breathes out, staring down at me, sweat slicked chest heaving. “Fuck. How do you do that to me? It’s like every time with you is better than the last.”

My skin is sticky with sweat and flour. I’m sure I look a mess, but I don’t care as I smile up at him. “It’s the same for me, too. Like you were made for me and I was made for you.”

The words just slip out, and in the back of my mind, part of me is screaming that I shouldn’t say stuff like that to them. They never say it back, but I don’t know how to be anything but honest with them. After years of having to hide my true feelings, of being forced into it, I don’t want to do it anymore.

His blissed out expression fades though, and a wrinkle appears between his brows. Not a full on frown, but something close. He says nothing in response and my heart does the normal sinking thing it does anytime I share how I’m feeling and I’m met with this. With silence or a change of subject.

I keep my smile in place, though. After all, practice makes perfect and I’ve had a lot of practice with this. My fingers brush over the hard ridges of his abs, down to where we’re connected. His eyes drift closed at the contact, then fly open when I let out a breathy moan as my fingers circle my clit.

I love being knotted. It’s my new favorite thing. But being bound to them, stuck on them—literally—when all I want to do is disappear because I said something stupid is now my new least favorite thing.

The only way to get out of it faster is to make whichever alpha I’m pinned to come a lot. And to do that, I need to come a lot. The knot will go down naturally if we let it, but more often than not, we don’t. I don’t. Because I can’t bear to have them look at me like Tic is right now.

Tic groans when I clench around him again, my fingers working furiously against my clit. HIs hands slid onto my hips, thumbs resting in the creases, holding me steady so he can fuck me in short thrusts, more grinding than anything, his knot keeping the movement shallow.

I make a soft sound when I come, nothing like the first time, and Tic’s eyes close as he spills in me.

We do that twice more and his knot still hasn’t deflated, but I’m sure it will soon. “Jesus,” he groans against my chest, sweaty forehead pressing to my collarbone. “I don’t think I have any cum left in me. You’ve milked me dry.” My fingers stroke through his soft hair even as tears prick my eyes.

This happens a lot too. This crash after sex, this feeling that I’m not getting what I need from them. What my omega needs from them.

You’d think I would have learned by now, that I would keep my distance and limit how much sex I have with them, but I can’t keep myself away from them.

By the time Tic lifts his head and looks down at me, with a soft smile on his lips, I’ve gotten myself under control. Enough so that he doesn’t notice that I’d just been on the verge of crying. “You’re covered in flour.”

I hum. “Yes, that’s bound to happen when we fuck on a counter covered with it.”

A soft kiss to my lips and then he lifts me. My legs and arms wrap around his big body. I’m still caught on his knot so we can’t separate yet. He carries me over to the couch in the living room, pausing to swipe up his shirt, before sitting on the couch with me straddling him.

Tic guides my hands into the armholes of his button up, pulling the two sides tighter around me, but he doesn’t button them up. Instead, he presses me into his chest, letting his body heat keep me warm.

I melt into him, boneless after coming so many times. Until his knot goes down all the way, I can’t leave, anyway. My head rests on his shoulder, my face nestled against his neck. A feeling of safety, of rightness drifts over me. Like this is where I’m supposed to be.

If only they believed it, too.

If only they felt it like I do.

Or maybe they do, but they’re holding back for some reason. Maybe they think I do actually share my father’s beliefs on pack life, though I would think I’d proved that theory wrong over the last couple of weeks.

“Are we ever going to talk about it?” I ask and instantly snap my mouth shut. Shit.

Tic tilts his head toward me, rubs his cheek along mine, leaving a trail of his scent on my skin. “About what, angel?” he asks against my temple.

I’m regretting my burst of bravery now, now that I have to actually say it out loud. Damn, I was hoping Tic was just a mind reader. That he’d know what I meant without my having to say it.

“Bonding,” I whisper, my stomach already tied in knots. The way he goes still at that single word only tangles them further. “I just… It feels right to me, you know? And I already told Hale I was falling in love with him-”

Tic jerks back, looking down at me with his brows arched. “You did? When?”

I lick my lips. “I don’t know why that matters, but it was before I went home.”

“Did you mean it when you said it?”

“Yes.”

He hums, his expression going distant in the way I recognize as him adding new information to his world view seeing what it changes. “Do you still feel the same?”

I frown. “Why are you asking questions like I’m a problem to solve?”

Tic blinks back at me, his eye losing that unfocused glaze. “Sorry, angel. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just-”

“Calculating. Yeah, I got that. To answer your question, no. I don’t feel the same.” His expression drops and he looks downright devastated, so I hurry to explain. “I don’t think I’m falling, I know I am, and I’m like ninety-nine percent sure I’m already there with all of you. Hence the question about bonding.”

Tic’s mouth falls open, but no words come out. He just sits there staring at me, like my statement doesn’t make sense. Then his expression shutters entirely, blocking me out. “I think it’s too early to talk about bonding.” His knot deflates and a gush of slick and cum spills between us. I ignore it and so does he.

“What? We live together already, don’t we? I’ve been here for months, Tic. Most packs bond their omega within a couple of weeks of being in our situation. How is this too early?” But then it hits me. I shake my head and I back away from him, out of his arms, scramble off his lap. He watches me go, a furrow in his brow.

My fingers tremble as I do up the buttons on his shirt. “God, I’m stupid.”

“What? No, you aren’t.”

“Yeah,” I run a hand down my face. “I am. Too blinded to not see the signs.”

“What signs, Haven?”

“I’m always the one spilling my guts on how I feel. I’m the one saying things like I’m falling in love with you and let’s talk about bonding and all of you always respond like this.”

“I think you might need to spell it out for me, angel. Cause I don’t know where you’re going with this.”

Of course he wants me to say it. He wants to be sure I understand. If I don’t, he’ll explain it to me, I’m sure. “You don’t want to keep me.”

“What? No! No, that is not true,” Tic rushes to reassure me, pushing to his feet, stalking closer to me. “That is not true, Haven. We want you, we’re just… worried that eventually you might not want us. We don’t want to lock you into a bond and have you regret it later, when you find out-”

He cuts off the words and gives me a pained look but doesn’t finish the thought. “When I find out what?”

He shakes his head. “We aren’t good men, Haven. We aren’t. And when you realize the extent of the bad we’ve done…”

I frown at him, at his assessment of their character. “You aren’t bad men.”

He lets out a humorless laugh and squeezes the back of his neck. “You don’t know us, Haven.”

Oh, ouch.

Tic sees the pain on my face and he gives me this helpless look. “You don’t, angel. I know you think you do, but we’re not always the men we present to you.”

“Are you saying you’ve lied to me?”

Tic stares hard at me. Calculating again, I realize, trying to figure out what to tell me. I wonder if he’s trying to figure out how to make this line of questioning go away or trying to figure out how to give me a truthful answer. I don’t find out, because just as he opens his mouth, Hale strides in, looking hot in a pair of low-slung jeans and nothing else. He pauses when he sees us; me draped in Tic’s shirt, Tic bare naked and obviously upset.

I’m upset too, but I’ve slipped on that mask that feels like a second skin. The one I wear when in public, when I have to convince the public that I believe my father’s lies. Of course, controlling my expression doesn’t help when my scent gives away what I’m feeling. It’s rare I miss the suppressants, but at times like these I do.

“I really hope that’s not the case, Tic,” I say, ignoring the way Hale is looking between us with a furrow in his brow. I wonder what Tic is broadcasting to him through the bond. A warning?

“Everyone lies,” Tic mutters. An answer, but not a real one.

My stomach drops and I’m sure my mask drops with it.

Hale rushes forward, coming to stand in front of me.

His big hands cup my face, making me look at him, meet his eyes. “What’s going on? Why are you upset?”

I try to shake my head, to throw him off, but he doesn’t let me go. “Tell me.”

Red flushes my cheeks. Embarrassment. I’m always embarrassed around these alphas, always feeling like I’m doing something wrong by being honest with them. Telling them how I feel. That feeling only grows the longer we go without them reciprocating.

“Little mouse,” he says, the words a low growl. “Use that voice I gave back to you and tell me.”

“It’s nothing,” I say at the same time Tic says, “she asked about bonding.”

My eyes slip closed. That’s not the part I’m upset about. But I suppose it’s the root of the hurt, so sure, why not just go with it?

“Why is that upsetting to you, mouse?”

Unable to meet his gaze, I close my eyes and lick my lips before answering. “It’s just more of the same, isn’t it? None of you can give me a straight answer about anything. I asked about bonding, because…. Well, I want that. I do, with my whole heart, but it doesn’t seem like any of you are interested. And when I call you on it… its vague references to how I might regret it in the future, how you don’t think I’m sure enough . I don’t know what I can do to convince you, I am sure, and I won’t regret it.”

“So now you think we don’t actually want you,” Hale says. Not a question, but a statement like he knows that to be the truth.

“You want me, but you don’t want to keep me.”

“Bullshit.”

My eyes fly open to find Hale glaring at me. “Utter bullshit, little mouse.”

“It’s not.”

“Yes, it is, angel.”

“We can want to keep you and want to make sure that you don’t regret it, Haven. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive. You don’t know what a bond is like, but we can feel each other’s emotions, can feel hurt or anger or…”

“I understand that,” I snap, curling my hands around Hale’s wrists to dislodge them from my cheeks. “I get that you would feel if I was angry with you or hurt, but you’d also feel how much I fucking love you! Wouldn’t that be worth it?”

I pause, eyes wide, cheeks flaring red as I realize what I just shouted at them. This isn’t a mid sex confession that can be chalked up to hormones and pleasure. This is a genuine confession. The absolute truth.

I love them. All of them. I love them with my whole heart. And Tic and Hale are just staring at me in silence. Again . Just like when I told Hale before. There is no response, just a flicker of shock and unease on their faces before they shutter their expressions.

“Don’t say shit like that, mouse,” Hale grits out. “Not now.”

“Then when?” I shout back, fist clenched at my side. “When would be the right time to tell you how I feel? You keep saying I should use my voice, but when I do you act like-” I wave a hand at them, at their still stony expressions. “You know what? It’s fine,” I mutter, even though it’s not. It’s not fine.

I shuffle away from Hale, putting distance between us, but he doesn’t let me go far, following me as I back up. I run into Tic, who apparently moved behind me when I wasn’t paying attention, and Hale keeps coming forward until I’m sandwiched between them.

I drop my gaze and hold my body tense, not wanting to give in, not wanting to melt.

I’m so tired of this, so tired of telling them exactly how I feel and what I want and to have them stonewall me.

Tic wraps an arm around my waist, fingers sliding between the buttons of his shirt to stroke the skin of my stomach.

Hale’s fingers caress my cheek, slide into my hair to fist the strands, tilting my head up to him, keeping my eyes on his face so I can see his expression, read the emotion there. “We do want to keep you, little mouse,” he says softly. “You just need to be patient with us, okay? We’re working some things out before we can claim you like we want to. But we will do it.”

It sounds like a promise and my little omega heart drinks it down, like a cool glass of water on a hot day. But the part of me that is not my omega, the part that has spent years listening to men talk, to reading between the lines of commands? She notes he didn’t say anything about love, that my confession once again goes unacknowledged.

Hale frowns when I don’t immediately give in, and Tic’s fingers flex on my belly. “It’s not enough, is it? You trust us, but not in this.”

I sigh and close my eyes, wishing like hell I could take back my question about bonding. It was better before I knew. Better to just keep living in hope. Hale says they just need time. But I’m not sure I can give it.

“How much time? When will I have proved to you I want this, that I want you? Why is me telling you not enough? Why do I have to keep living in this uncertainty? What could you possibly do that would make me regret you?” My eyes open. “I love you, Hale. I love you, Tic. I love Creed and Jude. I would think that by now you’d know if I love someone I don’t just give up on them. Even if you’ve done things I don’t agree with or I’m not proud of, I will not regret you.”

Hale swallows thickly while Tic tightens his grip on me, rubbing his cheek on my head. “But you might, mouse. You might and that would kill us. It’s going to kill us.”

I frown at his phrasing. Like it’s already a done deal, like it’s inevitable.

“You saved me, Hale. Freed me. That overrides everything else.”

The back of my head presses into Tic’s chest as Hale slides his hand to the base of my throat, collaring me gently as he rolls his forehead over mine. He takes a deep breath. Thumb stoking over my pulse point.

“That’s the thing though, Haven. We haven’t saved you. Not yet.” He doesn’t need to explain. My father is still out there and it wouldn’t take much for him to get me back under control. If not with his alpha bark, then with other means. Not the least of which would be threats against Ren and her family or the Calloway Pack.

He kisses the corner of my mouth gently. “We haven’t saved you, mouse. But we will.”