Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

Sawyer

Sunlight found its way through the tiny gap in my curtains, shining across my face. I woke reluctantly, a pleasant dream tickling the edges of my mind. I shifted and my hard-on brushed against the sheets.

I reached down and clasped myself to relieve the pressure, sighing. It had been too damn long since I'd hooked up with anyone.

An image rose suddenly in my mind.

Ash's mouth clinging to mine, his heat swamping me.

My cock gave a throb, and I jerked my hand away with a gasp.

Oh, fuck. Ash. The kiss.

I'd forgotten, but now the details returned to me in vivid fucking detail. My cock ached, still hard, but no way in hell was I stroking off with Ash in my head. With a huff of annoyance, I threw off the blankets and got up to take a cold shower.

When I got out, I was shivering but soft, so mission accomplished. If only banishing the memory of that kiss was as easy. Thoughts continued to bubble up the whole time I dried and dressed.

I picked up hair product to tame my messy curls, but what the fuck was I doing? I was headed to work, not a date.

I hadn't had one of those in months. Apparently I had emotional availability issues. The few women I'd dated since high school didn't stick for long. I wasn't the kind of guy who jumped into relationships easily, so I usually went months between girlfriends. Which was fine.

I'd gotten pretty used to flying solo—in bed or out of it.

Which was why I was annoyed thoughts of Ash had intruded this morning. My hand was about all the action I got, and he'd ruined it.

I intentionally messed up my curls, then slapped a cap on overtop. There. Now I looked like me. I didn't need to impress anyone. Especially not fucking Ash. Maybe he went out of his way to dress nice, to fucking style that golden hair of his and douse himself in cologne, but I didn't have anything to prove.

Unlike Ash. He'd only kissed me to prove a point, right?

My friends hadn't seemed so sure, but they didn't know him like I did. They hadn't seen the way he'd loved to rile me up these past few years.

The idea of Ash kissing me because he wanted me? No. It was impossible. Why would he? Even if he was into guys and I didn't know it…we weren't…

Ugh, I was so tired of thinking about it.

My cell phone rang, and I grabbed it, happy for a distraction. My brother's name came up on the display.

"Hey, Mason," I answered. "What's up?"

"Just calling to check in with my favorite little brother."

"I'm your only little brother, and I'm not so little anymore."

"Eh, you'll always be a little pest to me."

I propped the phone between my shoulder and neck so I could grab an energy drink from the fridge and take a gulp. I liked coffee okay, but I didn't want to mess with brewing a pot.

"Thanks, man. I'm touched."

He chuckled. "So, how are things? Is Mom liking the new job?"

"Yeah, she's in her element bossing everyone around that kitchen.

He laughed. "It must be like old times, huh?"

I sucked in a breath. Was it like old times? Yeah. I hadn't seen Mom this happy since the grand opening of The Sage Kitchen, our family restaurant. But it also wasn't like old times. How could it be, when Dad had taken off and never looked back? When Mason wasn't there to reassure me when things got tough, but was now busy living his own life up in some bizarre Christmas town?

"Yeah." My voice came out flat. "Something like that."

He sighed. "Damn, sorry. I didn't mean like?—"

"I know." I cut him off because I didn't want to go down that road. "Listen, I've got to get to work soon."

"I guess it's that time of year again," he said. "Is that boating job boring you to tears yet?"

"I'm not bored."

"Really? That wasn't the vibe I got the last time I visited."

I didn't know what to say to that. I liked the job fine. It paid the bills. It helped me pay for my lake toys. Hudson was a good boss, and my friends were close by. That was enough, wasn't it?

I set the phone on my side table and hit the Speaker button so I could finish dressing for work. I had one more interview scheduled today before I went on an afternoon tour. No booze cruises, thank fuck.

"The job is fine," I insisted.

"Fine," he said. "Is fine all you want out of life?"

Annoyance flared. "Not everyone finds their passion in a job, Mase. I know your career has become your whole life, but that doesn't mean I have to live that way."

"I didn't say you did," he said. "Also, thanks a lot for saying I have no life outside of work."

"Sorry."

"It's a little too true," he said, tone rueful. "But you're still important to me. You and Mom. You're my family."

"I know. I didn't mean it that way."

Mason got into nonprofit work, and he really did love it. I envied that a little. I certainly didn't blame him for building his own life. Did it suck that it took him farther and farther away as he worked in Branson, then St. Louis, and then Christmas Falls? Sure. But he came back for the winter holidays, as well as a weekend in the fall to catch my birthday.

He was a good brother.

"And look, I know not everyone is driven by a career," he said. "You don't have to be passionate about your job, but you should be passionate about something. Otherwise, what's the point of living, right?"

It was on the tip of my tongue to say I was passionate about my life on the lake. About the water sports I'd always loved. The wakesurfing and boarding I used to compete in through school sports and clubs. But…it had been a long time since I'd gone out and really enjoyed myself.

Months.

And not just because it had been the off-season.

Somewhere along the way, my love for those things had taken a backseat to adulting. So, in that way, maybe Mason had a point. I'd taken the boating tour job for a reliable income to pay for the things I wanted, but somewhere along the way I'd forgotten to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

"I guess I've gotten stuck in a rut," I admitted. "But I can't just quit my job, so…"

"Well, I know," he said. "I just want you to find something you love. If that's work, great. If it's something else, maybe a girlfriend…"

"No," I said quickly as the image of Ash and that stupid kiss surfaced once more. "I'm not interested in anyone."

"Well, I've got no room to judge. It's been a while since I broke up with Dean."

"But?" I prompted.

"I just worry about you, Saw. Ever since the family restaurant went south and everything that happened afterward, you've played it safe."

"I don't play it safe," I argued. "I go out wakeboarding on the lake. That's a total adrenaline rush."

"Sure, but that's not the kind of safe I mean."

I sank back against my pillow with a groan. I already knew where this was going. We'd been here before. Many times.

"Sorry," he said. "I'll shut up. You've got to get to work."

"I do," I said. "But I'm glad you called, even if…"

"Even if I annoyed you?" he asked, sounding amused, when I trailed off.

"I guess that's your job as the annoying older brother."

"Hey!" He laughed. "I'm the cool older brother."

"Sorry, man. That ship sailed a long time ago."

We disconnected after a few more friendly taunts about who was cooler, and I really was happy he'd called. I just wished he didn't worry about me so much. I was doing just fine. I didn't need to chase some passion across the country. I'd never liked school, so college had never been on my radar.

I didn't want a career.

But I'd seen the way fucking Ash looked at that food boat with stars in his eyes. I'd seen the huge smile blooming across his face, not the sarcastic one he shot me yesterday, but something real and deep.

And that? Well, maybe I could see why that would appeal to some people, even if I still thought Ash was taking a foolish risk.

The difference was, he could afford to do it. And I never could.

I got out the last of Mom's brisket and made a sandwich. Like clockwork, there was a knock on the door.

"Come on in!" I called, already knowing it was Shua. Like a hungry hound, they always managed to sniff out when I'd made up food. I grabbed a knife to cut the sandwich in half.

"Hey, Saw!" They stepped through the door. "I thought maybe if you weren't working today?—"

I cut them off, my eyes on the green wiggling creature in their hands. "What are you doing with that poor turtle?"

Shua's eyes lit up. "Isn't he cool? I found him down by the lake. I saved him from drowning."

My lips twitched. "You don't say."

I was pretty sure Shua actually saved him from drinking, so I filled a shallow dish with water and put it on the floor. Shua dropped to a knee and set the turtle down. He drew under his shell, clearly afraid.

Shua frowned and nudged him.

"Just leave him be," I said, grabbing the plate with their half sandwich and thrusting it toward them. "Let's eat, and then when he sees we're not going to bother him, he'll drink."

Shua took the plate and tore into the sandwich, even though it was the same food they'd eaten just last night. "How did you know I was hungry?"

I smiled. "Just a guess."

"You're a good guesser," Shua said, gaze flicking back toward the turtle. "Oh! He's moving."

He was slowly peeking around and edging toward the water.

"Turtles aren't really meant to be pets. They're not tame like cats or dogs. You should return him to the lakeside when I go to work."

Shua's expression fell. "Aw, I was hoping we could go out in the boat."

"Sorry, I've got to get to work soon."

"You never wanna hang out," Shua said with a pout. "It's so boring around here. You get to go places and do stuff, but I don't have a boat or a car. I'm just stuck while my mom?—"

They stopped short, biting their bottom lip hard and looking as if they were trying not to cry. The first time I'd met Shua, I hadn't been sure if they were a girl or boy. The second time, I'd realized that was the point. Shua was nonbinary, and that was a tough identity to live in the Ozarks.

That was why I tried to make time to look out for them.

And why my alarms went off now.

"What about your mom? Is she treating you badly?"

Shua blinked hard, eyes trained on the turtle. Finally, they said, "She's with her new boyfriend. Being gross. I don't want to hang around home and hear that."

"Ah. Yeah. That doesn't sound fun."

Shua nodded. "It's not like I care she's got a boyfriend. Whatever. But she works nights, and I barely see her, and now…"

I got it. The kid was lonely.

They popped up over here not because they needed my food—though undoubtedly they were in that black hole phase of being a teen—but because they needed attention. They loved going out on the lake, and once in a while I'd take them for a ride, but up till now I'd refused to take them wakesurfing because while it was pretty safe, nothing was without risk.

Shua was just a kid. But a kid who needed someone.

And I remembered all too well what that was like in my first days in Swallow Cove after my family had imploded, my friends were miles away, and I was trying to become a new person who fit into this side of the lake.

"I can't do anything about today," I said. "But I've got some time later this week. We could hang out a while. Maybe go out on the water."

Shua perked up. "Really? Are you going to wakesurf too?"

I nearly said no. But then I remembered my conversation with my brother. About not making time for any passion in my life.

Maybe there was a way to kill two birds with one stone.

"Tell you what, Shua. We have to get your mom's okay, but if she says you can go, then you can do the surfing."

Shua let out an unholy howl and jumped up to fist pump the air. "Yes, yes, yes! I'm going to be such a badass!"

Damn. That kid really wanted to wakesurf.

I grinned as I watched their enthusiasm, reminded of how excited Ash and I used to get when my dad offered to take us out.

It was a bittersweet memory, given how everything had turned out. But one I wouldn't trade for anything.

If I could give Shua something like that, then I'd happily make the time—and prove my brother wrong at the same time.

I had passion, damn it. Plenty of it.