Chapter 23 - Clara

It's a constant drain on my energy and my heart to be thinking about him nonstop like this.

I wish there was a switch I could just turn off.

I don't want to be so in love with him anymore. I don't want him to be in my thoughts every moment of every day.

I throw the book I have been trying to read for the past hour.

Then I feel a wave of guilt and rush to pick it up, carefully checking the pages to see if I have damaged any of them.

I sigh in relief to see the book is totally fine. Then I mentally apologize to it, stroke my hand across the cover and place it on my nightstand.

What is wrong with me?

I love books.

I don't throw stuff.

I don't lose my temper like that.

I was staring at that one paragraph for an hour, reading it over and over again and not taking a single word of it in.

I was frustrated. That's all.

This whole thing—I have never felt this way before and I don't understand it. I don't know how to handle it.

And to make matters worse, I feel really alone in this whole situation. Who the hell can I talk to about it? I can't let my uncle find out anything. He's going ballistic, wanting to find the person who kidnapped me and quite literally tear them apart.

My phone buzzes and in a delusional moment of excitement I think it's Alexei.

How ridiculous am I?

I open the messenger app.

Tia: Hey girl. Are you busy today? I wanted to book us a girls' day out, spend some time with you—if you feel like it. I know you've been through a lot lately.

Oh my word. I would love to get out of the house and try to clear my mind. Tia is also married to Alexei's brother, so maybe she knows something about what Alexei has been up to. I'm dying to know. The smallest bit of information about him might just settle my thoughts.

Me: I'd love to get out for a bit. What time and where do you want to go?

Tia: I'll come fetch you in thirty minutes. Wear something really comfy. We are going for a spa day.

Me: That sounds like the perfect day. I'll be ready.

While I ' m waiting for Tia, I'm arguing with myself.

Don't ask about Alexei. It'll be weird. Don't ask about him. You have a right to ask. Don't ask about him, she might tell him you were asking. So what if he knows I asked about him. He's the asshole who ditched me. I'm not the asshole.

The doorbell rings and I jump up with relief. My stupid head won ' t be quiet, and I need a distraction.

Tia is the sweetest person.

I used to go to college with her. And then of course I went to her wedding when she married into the Dubrov family.

She married Yefim. He seems like a pretty cool guy, I know he spent a lot of time helping my uncle search for me. But, ultimately, there is only one Dubrov I am interested in.

As I climb into her car, she leans over the seat and gives me a massive hug.

"I'm so glad you said yes to coming out today," she grins at me.

"I really needed this—more than you can understand," I chuckle.

Everyone thinks I went through massive trauma when I was kidnapped and I feel bad leaving them all to think that, but I can't correct that assumption without putting Alexei at risk.

I know that for their own safety, the Dubrov brothers have even decided not to tell their wives that Alexei was the one who took me. They don't want to put them in any kind of danger from my uncle.

The spa is in the city, on the top floor of a high rise. The views are amazing, but they have nothing on the beautiful views of the forest around the house—

I shake my head. I need to stop thinking about that. That isn't my life anymore. It was never going to last.

Tia and I sit with our feet soaking in salts and aromatherapy oils, looking out over the city.

"How is Yefim doing—and his brothers?" I really want to ask about Alexei. No matter how many times I tell myself it's a bad idea, I know I'm going to do it anyway.

"Yefim is so incredible. I can't believe how lucky I was to find someone like him. And his brothers are all good. They are trying to find a girlfriend for Oleg. They tease him a lot about being too focused on work and too serious." She laughs.

"But Alexei also doesn't have a girlfriend if I remember correctly? Do they tease him off as well?"

"No, he doesn't have a girlfriend that I know of, but I guess he's so wild and out there they don't bother trying to set him up with anyone."

"What do you mean wild and out there?"

She laughs a little and shakes her head, swooshing her feet around in the ceramic basin of warm water.

"Everyone knows Alexei is the spontaneous adventurous one. Even now. No one can get him to sit still."

"What is he doing?"

"He's clubbing all the time. Last night Yefim and Leon were talking and complaining about it. He's been out drinking and partying almost every night for the past week and a half. I don't think that man could settle down if he tried."

"Oh."

My heart is suddenly filled with so much pain that I can barely speak.

"Anyways, so Oleg came over for dinner the other night and we were trying to convince him to meet a friend of mine, but he's dead set against it…"

Tia carries on chatting away, blissfully unaware that my entire world is crumbling down on me.

Alexei has been out partying. Drinking. Having fun. He's probably hooking up with beautiful girls and celebrating not having to deal with me anymore.

I swallow hard and quickly brush away a tear that manages to escape down my cheek.

"Oh, honey, what's wrong? Did you have a flashback from when you were taken?"

"Um…"

"It's ok to feel overwhelmed. Even though you got out okay, it doesn't make what you went through any less scary. You don't have to hold back when you're around me. It's better to let it out, sweetie."

She has moved off her chair and is standing next to me with her arms around me. Her wet feet are making a very nice smelling puddle on the floor.

Her gentle nature hinders my ability to hold back my tears. They are now streaming down my cheeks. The idea of Alexei being with someone else is crushing me.

But that's what people do when they go clubbing and drinking.

That's the norm, isn't it?

"Come on, sweetie. Let's get some champagne and then head over for a neck and back massage," Tia says. "We have to help you let all this stress go and maybe try and forget all the bad things that happened."

I nod. I do have to forget.

I can't let myself love someone like that.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

I have no idea how to fall out of love with Alexei, but for my own sanity, my own mental health, and my own heart, I have to do it. I have to figure it out.

Tia and I have two glasses of champagne before heading through to the massage room. Gentle music soothes me as the therapist works her magic on my tense muscles.

I've been stuck at home, trapped inside because my uncle is so worried someone will try take me again, feeling completely and utterly broken—and all the while, Alexei has been out partying and living his best life.

I'm wasting my tears on him.

I'm wasting my heart on him.

***

Over the next few days I spend a lot of time in quiet thought.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. I hardly want to eat because my stomach is a constant mess. One minute, I'm starving and the next, I want to throw up.

My uncle had a therapist call me because he said I needed to stop wallowing in everything and then I wouldn't look so pale and miserable.

The therapist explained to me that after what I went through, the stress of it can do really crazy things to your body. Exhaustion is a stress symptom, apparently, and I need to rest my body and mind.

But it feels like more than that.

And on the third day, I decide it is my broken heart.

My lovesick, broken heart is making me literally sick. It makes complete sense.

So I've been spending a lot of time in bed, sleeping more than normal, eating less, but trying to eat healthy when I do want something.

Nothing is working, though. Maybe I need to do the opposite of resting. Maybe I need to go out there and meet someone new and fall in love all over again, although I know it is impossible—but I can meet the man of my dreams and start a family and…

…a family.

Oh my word.

No.

It can't be.

My breath becomes heavy as panic sets in.

I can't believe I didn't even think about it.

I'm about two weeks late for my period.

I'm pregnant.

That's what's wrong with me.

I'm fucking pregnant.

Okay. Wait. Don't jump to conclusions.

Stress can make your period late, too. And I have been stressed. Not from the kidnapping, but from the heartbreak.

I need to get a pregnancy test.

I can't panic until I actually know for sure.

I tell my uncle that I'm not feeling well and need to get a few things from the pharmacy. He insists on sending someone out on my behalf, but I manage to convince him that I need to speak to the pharmacist about my symptoms and just get a little advice, so he agrees, as long as I take a bodyguard.

The idiot guarding me follows me into the pharmacy, and it is making it so much harder to get the pregnancy test. I walk around for a little while, browsing the vitamins while he tracks me up and down the aisles.

Then I stand by the tampons, and when he comes to stand next to me, I glare at him and say, "Do you mind?" His cheeks flush red and he hurries off into the next aisle, giving me that moment of privacy I so desperately need. I move quickly, grabbing the pregnancy test, two just in case, and then paying as fast as I can before he sees.

He holds the door open for me as I walk out of the pharmacy clutching the brown paper packet in my fingers as though it is gold.

All the way home I am biting my lip and sipping on the bottle of water I purchased.

I can't believe this is happening.

I wish I could just talk to Alexei and at least—I mean, what do I expect from him? Do I expect comforting words? From a man who is out partying and probably hardly remembers my name?

I roll my eyes and sigh loudly as I tilt my head back in the car seat.

"Are you okay, Miss Vitali?" the bodyguard asks.

"Yes. I just don't feel well."

"We're almost home."

I nod quietly.

Almost home.

I go straight to my bedroom and shut the door behind myself.

I can't wait. I have to do the test now. I want to get it over with.

I pull open the brown paper packet and take the test out, opening the box and peeling off the plastic. My heart is beating way too fast.

I unclip the lid of both of the tests in the box. It looks really straightforward, but I glance over the instructions on the side of the box just in case.

Pee on that side. Wait. That's it.

With shaking hands I do as the instructions tell me to, then clip the little caps back on and place both tests on the bathroom counter next to the sink.

I can't take my eyes off them.

I can't look away.

It makes this wait so much worse, because it feels like it's been forever.

I want to throw up from nerves. Or pregnancy. I guess I am about to find out.

Two lines appear on both tests, starting as a faint hint and then growing more and more bold, until they are both solid and unmistakable.

I am pregnant.

I am pregnant.

With Alexei's baby.

I start crying, because I don't have any idea what else to do.

They are heavy sobs of hurt and fear and confusion and feeling so incredibly alone.

Suddenly, the bathroom door bursts open and my uncle rushes in.

"I heard you crying—"

He stares at me, sitting on the edge of the bath holding my face in my hands, then his gaze drifts over to the bathroom counter.

Now, I really am going to throw up.

"Pregnant?" he growls in anger. "You're pregnant? From the kidnapping? Some animal forced…" His words fall short and he swallows hard.

"I will kill them. I will tear them apart. I will make them suffer in the most unimaginable ways."

His face is bright red, his temples throbbing with veins of anger.

I sit dead still, wishing I was invisible.

"You are going to stay in your room now, Clara. I have to keep you safe."

And with that, he turns and leaves the bathroom, leaving that door open but closing my bedroom door. I jump up and run towards it, grabbing the handle and pulling it down. It doesn't budge. It's locked from the outside.

"Uncle Giorgio, you can't do this," I scream through the door. "You can't lock me up in here." But he's long gone, off to tear the world down. Off to seek revenge on my behalf, but not taking a moment to ask me if I am okay.

I sink down to the floor of my bedroom and pull my knees close to my chest and cry for a very, very long time.