1. Hope

One year later…

“This is the craziest, stupidest plan I’ve ever heard in all the years of being your sister.”

Grace swirls the straw around her virgin margarita, which is just a glorified orange juice once you take the tequila out of it. “Which is why I’m coming with you.”

She places the glass down on the coffee table, and I eye her very round, very pregnant belly.

“You are not. You can’t get on a plane with my niece in your belly.”

“Can too,” she says defiantly. “Up to 36 weeks without a doctor’s note. And if you think I’m letting my little sister go traipsing to the other side of the country on her own, then you don’t know me at all.”

If Grace, my spontaneous fun-loving sister is telling me my plan is crazy, then maybe I shouldn’t go. Because the last thing I want is to drag her into this.

“I won’t be on my own.”

Justin fusses, and I unlatch him from my right breast. His face screws up and a little milk spills over his lip and onto his chin. I wipe it up with the muslin cloth and sling him over my shoulder with one hand while doing up my maternity top with the other.

“Hate to break it to you sis, but I don’t think the kid’s ready to play protector.”

“I don’t need protecting,” I protest. Or at least I don’t think I do. “All I want to do is find the guy and let him know he’s a father. He’s got a right to know.”

What I don’t mention is that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Dexter since I hooked up with him a year ago.

“Are you sure you want to do this? Wasn’t the guy an axe murderer?”

I told Grace the story about how I met Dexter. How we had this amazing night together, and the next morning I found him in the basement with all sorts of creepy gear and I freaked out, and then he chased me down the road with an axe.

I was scared at the time in my sleep-deprived head, but which Dexter was the real one? The self-depreciating, funny man I spent a night with or the wild bearded buy with the axe?

“I might have jumped to conclusions about Dexter.” I rub Justin’s back while Grace frowns at me.

“Dexter. He’s even named after a serial killer.”

I wish I’d never told Grace the axe story. While I’ve had time to realize that a man who works in demolition probably needs a lot of scary looking tools, she’s not letting go of the axe sharpening incident.

“I’m pretty sure he was born before the show came out.”

I move Justin to the other shoulder and rub his back while Grace takes a sip of her drink. She’s still not happy about the situation, but my mind’s made up.

“At least let Cal run a search on him.”

It’s a great resource having a brother-in-law who’s a sheriff. And over the last year I’ve thought about asking him to run a search on Dexter, but I could never bring myself to. I didn’t want Cal and Grace to know how much I was thinking about him.

“I don’t even know his last name. He works in demolition, but I don’t know what that means really. I don’t know if he works for a company or freelance. Do you have freelance demolition men?”

Grace shrugs. “No idea.” She takes a long sip of margarita. “This would be better if I could drink.”

I pat her thigh consolingly, “I know, hon. You and me both.”

Satisfied that Justin is properly burped, I take him off my shoulder and hold the little man up in front of me. He gurgles at me, and I smile widely. He’s only just started to smile and laugh, and it’s the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life.

“But it’s worth it, I promise.”

Grace holds out her arms to her nephew.

“Cuddle time with Aunty.”

I hand him over and she holds him in front of her, making funny faces and blowing raspberries on his tummy. He laughs at her; everyone laughs when Grace is around.

“Look, I know you’re worried for me, but I have to do this. I’m not going to go to his house. I’ll meet him in public. It’ll be safe.”

Grace pulls a funny face, and Justin bursts into giggles.

“It’ll be safe because Cal and I will be there.”

“Cal’s coming too?”

“Do you really think he’d let either of us go on this crazy-ass mission on our own? Of course he’ll come. And you’ll need someone to look after this one.” She tickles Justin, and he giggles. “You can’t just turn up with a baby on your scouting missions.”

She’s right. It will be easier if Grace and Cal are there to help with Justin and for moral support.

“Are you sure he won’t mind?”

Grace gives me an oh please look. “There is no way my husband will let either of us go without him.”

I pull on my lower lip. When I decided to go and try to find Justin’s father, I didn’t mean for the whole family to get involved. But it will be nice to have them there.

Grace frowns at me.

“Are you sure it’s what you want to do? The guy sounds volatile. He could walk away and not want anything to do with Justin.”

She’s right, and throughout the pregnancy I was determined to forget about Dexter and focus on my son. But as soon as Justin was born, and I saw him with my dad, how happy he was to be a grandfather, I knew he had a right to know.

“I can’t imagine growing up without a dad. Can you?”

Grace shakes her head. Our mother was killed in a car accident when I was eight, and Dad brought us up on our own. We didn’t have a choice in losing a parent, but I can make that choice for Justin.

“Dexter has a right to know he has a son. What he wants to do when he finds out is up to him.”

I don’t mention that Dexter is all I’ve been thinking about since our hook up. That I spent hours online trying to find him, that part of me going is not just for Justin, but because I want to see him again. I want to see which part of him is the real Dexter.

“Okay then.” Grace hands Justin back and uses both hands to pull herself out of the armchair. “I guess we’re all going to the ass end of Oregon.”