Chapter Twenty-One

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

A thdara's steps were heavy.

She felt as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Never, since leaving Breda, had she felt such soul-crushing disappointment and grief. She'd had to endure so much in her young life, most particularly in the last two years, but leaving Tay was going to be the most difficult choice she'd ever had to make.

Leaving Breda Castle hadn't been a choice—it had been a necessity. So had leaving Niko with the farmer and his wife. Joining Blackchurch hadn't been a difficult choice—that, too, had been essential. Therefore, leaving Tay behind was indeed her choice, and the most terrible one she'd ever had to face—because she knew that by doing so, she was condemning them both to a lifetime of sorrow.

One without the other would be miserable.

However, she was genuinely afraid of what would happen if Tay came on her mission to regain the Toxandria duchy. He was well established at Blackchurch—he enjoyed prestige and a great reputation. But he would simply be a cog in a wheel in her quest to regain her father's duchy.

It wasn't Tay's legacy at all, but hers.

She didn't want him to wake up in twenty years and wonder how he could have ruined his life so completely by leaving everything he'd worked for behind.

Therefore, Athdara wasn't entirely sure she could look him in the eye tonight and not break down weeping. She'd come in through the rear door to the cottage, taking a shortcut from the field she and Fox had been working in. Fox knew nothing of her plans; she didn't tell him. St. Denis, St. Sebastian, and Ming Tang knew, and that was enough for her. She didn't need to announce it to any more of his friends because, somehow, word would get back to Tay. She needed to have the element of surprise if her plan was going to work.

That meant this would be their last night together.

God, she could hardly face it.

"Athdara?"

Tay called to her the moment she entered the cottage because that particular door had very squeaky hinges. It announced itself all over the house.

"It's me," she called to him, turning to bolt the door before continuing inside. "Where are you?"

He came down the steps from the floor above. "Here," he said. "Waiting for you. I thought we would share supper with the others over in the kitchen hall."

The kitchen hall was where trainers and other Blackchurch personnel gathered. It had once been a gathering chamber for the church, small but with a high ceiling, but it had been turned into a feasting hall years ago. They called it the kitchen hall because the kitchens were attached to it.

Athdara shook her head. "Would it be too much trouble if I declined?" she said. "I do not particularly feel like supping with everyone tonight. I'm rather tired."

He looked at her closely. "Do you feel poorly?"

"I feel well enough, thank you. I'm simply… weary."

His dark gaze lingered on her for a moment longer. "Of course you are," he said. "Forgive me. After the news you received today, certainly you would want time to think and reflect. I should have known that."

She smiled weakly. "There is nothing to forgive," she said. "But you should sup with your friends. I will simply go to bed."

He shook his head. "Nay," he said. "You have been working hard all day. You must eat something."

"Mayhap I will later."

"You will do it now."

"But I do not wish to go to the kitchens, and there is nothing here to eat."

He moved past her, into the kitchen area, and began banging around. Athdara followed him at a distance to see that he had lit an oil lamp and was looking in baskets that were neatly organized on a table against the wall.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He began pulling things out of one basket. "Marina keeps food in here," he said. "She thinks I do not know that she eats in the middle of the night, but I do."

Athdara grinned as she headed over to the table. "You are not supposed to know that," she said. "She gets very hungry in the night."

"I know. I've heard."

"That is her food, Tay."

He ignored her and pulled forth a half loaf of bread and a clay jar of something, which he sniffed.

"Something pickled," he said, handing it to her. "See if this is to your taste."

Athdara peered at it, smelled it, and then pulled something out. "Cucumbers," she said. "They are pickled cucumbers."

She popped a piece of the cucumber in her mouth as Tay rummaged around in another basket. "Here is half of a meat pie," he said, pulling it out and setting it on the table. Then he pulled out another small bowl that was covered, sniffed it, and scowled. "Cabbage. I hate cabbage."

He put it back in the basket. He eventually raided Marina's baskets for bread, pickled cucumbers and onions, beans with garlic and onions in a small bowl, and half the meat pie. When all was said and done, there was a veritable feast before them, and he took it over to the kitchen table.

"We will have to replace what we have pilfered," Athdara said as she dug into a quarter of the meat pie. "Marina will be despondent if she comes here for a midnight snack and realizes we've eaten her booty."

Tay was tearing into the bread. "I will have a kitchen servant bring over more food tomorrow," he said. "She will not starve, I promise."

"Are you certain? She eats more than anyone I've ever seen."

"Even me?"

Athdara snorted. "Except you."

Tay took a big bite of the bread. "Tell me what kinds of dishes you favor," he said. "What can I expect to eat in Toxandria?"

Her smile faded. "Much the same as there is here," she said, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as the subject of their future together was brought up. "Our cook used to make pies of pork and apples, seasoned with pepper and honey. They are quite delicious."

"Oh?" he said, chewing. "And your wine?"

"Magnificent. We are located near Burgundy, after all."

"Do you import your wine from Burgundy?"

Athdara shook her head. "Nay," she said. "We had many vineyards, though I do not know if they are still there. I have no way of knowing what my uncle has ruined. Our vineyards used to be very productive."

"We shall find out soon enough," he said. He slowed his eating and looked at her. "After the news today, I assume you will want to leave soon."

Athdara couldn't look back at him. "Aye," she said, which was the truth. "Tay… have you thought about this? Really thought about this?"

"Of course," he said. "It is all I have thought of all day."

"And… and you still wish to come?"

"I still wish to come."

She nodded, head lowered, but had stopped eating. He was chewing, watching her and waiting for her to resume her meal, but she toyed with the food in front of her.

"Athdara," he finally said. "Look at me."

She did, lifting her eyes to him.

He swallowed the bite in his mouth. "I know you are concerned that I am resigning my position," he said. "I know you feel as if you have forced me into making this decision, but truly, you haven't. I have never been as happy in my life with anything or anyone as I am with you. I make this choice freely and willingly."

He was only succeeding in making her feel worse for doing what she felt she had to do. For leaving him a missive telling him that she had never loved him and had only used him. That she had a lover waiting for her in Toxandria. Lies, all of it, but she simply couldn't let him sacrifice himself like that. The fear of his eventual resentment was a real thing.

Why couldn't he see it himself? He was just making this harder.

"I… I would like to leave by the week's end," she said, hating that she had to lie to him. "It will give us time to prepare for the journey and time for you to prepare your recruits for whoever will replace you."

"Bowen will replace me, for now," Tay said, resuming his meal. "At some point, they will choose someone more prestigious and worthy, but for now, Bowen is quite capable."

She still couldn't look at him as she spoke. "It will take us at least a week or more to reach London," she said. "I have been thinking… thinking that I should leave Niko where he is. We discussed bringing him here, once, but that is no longer a possibility, not if you and I are gone. However, I do not want to bring him into a war, even if I am fighting it on his behalf. He will be safe with the farmer."

"You do not think he will be safe at the home of Roubaix?"

She shrugged. "It is difficult to say," she said. "I suppose he would be. But he is so young. He has known so much strife and upheaval. I want to keep him as safe and happy as possible until I can take him back to Breda."

"How old is the lad now?"

"Eight years," she said. "He was six when we fled Breda. So very young."

"You must do as you feel best," Tay said. "But it is possible that… Nay, forget I said anything. Leave him where he is if that is where you feel he belongs."

She finally looked at him then. "Please speak," she said. "You do not think I should leave him in London?"

"He is not my brother."

"But if he was—what would you do?"

Tay shrugged, eating the last of the bread. "I would bring him home with me," he said. "I would leave him at Roubaix, where he will be safe, but you should not leave him out of this fight. He may be young, but children have fought wars. They are strong and brave. If you are fighting for his legacy, then let him be part of the fight."

They were wise words. Athdara saw his side to it. It wasn't unreasonable. She was, after all, fighting for Nikolai. Perhaps he should be part of it—but there was a greater part of her that simply wanted to protect him.

"I will think on it," she said. "Thank you for your advice. It means a great deal."

"You are welcome."

"When was the last time you fought a battle?"

He cocked his head thoughtfully. "It has been a while," he said. "Mayhap twelve years ago."

"How long have you been at Blackchurch?"

"Eleven years."

"How old are you?"

He grinned. "How old do you think I am?"

"Old. Very old."

He frowned. "How cruel," he said. "Let's see if you can figure out how old I am. Can you do sums?"

"Of course I can."

"I was born in the Year of Our Lord 1168."

Her brow furrowed in thought as she tried to figure out how old he was. Her eyes widened. "You have seen forty-four years?"

"I have."

"Then you are old!"

He laughed low in his throat. "You cheeky wench," he muttered. "I am not old. I am experienced."

She grinned because he was. "What did you do in the years before you came to Blackchurch?"

"I told you, I went to the Levant with King Richard."

"But that was only for a few years," she pointed out. "When did you return?"

"A year after it ended," he said. "About nineteen years ago."

"That is a long time ago."

"It is."

"If you have been at Blackchurch eleven years, what did you do in the other eight years that you were not at Blackchurch?"

He reached across the table and grasped her hand, fondling her fingers. "That will give us something to talk about whilst we travel," he said. "I cannot tell you everything about my life all in one night."

"Why not?" she said. "I can tell you everything about my life in one night. I present you with the following—I have seen twenty-three years, my father believed I was destined to be an old maid because I'd not married by the time I was fifteen years like my mother had, and my birthday is in January. What more do you need to know?"

He started laughing. "I am not sure, but I will think of something," he said, lifting her fingers to kiss them. "The joy is in the discovery."

Athdara tried not to let the reality of the situation dampen her smile. He would be sure to pick up on it. There would be no discovery, at least beyond this. Tonight was the last night for any such discovery. It was the last night to laugh. It was the last night to love.

And she very much wanted to love him.

She could hardly stand the thought of what was to come.

Standing up, she moved around the table and straddled him on the chair. For a moment, they simply gazed into each other's eyes as she ran her fingers through his hair and he cupped her buttocks.

She suddenly looked closely at his dark strands. "I see silver in your hair," she teased softly.

He slapped her lightly on the buttocks, and she yelped. "You do not, you liar," he said.

Athdara grinned, raking his hair back as he closed his eyes, relishing her touch. Her smile faded. She knew that she was taking her last look at him. The last moment for them to be together, for her to touch him and for him to touch her. She wanted it to be something special, something memorable, to hold against her heart for all time. It was now or never.

She wanted all of him.

Leaning forward, she captured his lips with hers and suddenly snaked her hands into his leather breeches. Immediately, she came into contact with his semi-aroused manhood, and he jumped when she touched him, grabbing her hands to stop her.

"What are you doing?" he whispered raggedly. "I thought we agreed not to—"

She cut him off by kissing him feverishly, trying to pull free from his grip so she could touch him. "Please," she murmured. "We shall be married, eventually. You said so yourself. Please… do not deny me, Tay. I want to know the man I love with all my heart."

He was quickly weakening. "Love, I think—"

She cut him off again, plunging her tongue into his mouth and throwing both arms around his neck, holding him tightly. She thrust her pelvis forward, rubbing against what was quickly becoming a full-blown erection.

" Please ," she whispered against his mouth. "Please don't make me beg. Take me to your chamber and let me know you. All of you. Please, my darling."

She was hot and squirming in his arms, and his resistance shattered. He could hardly hold out against her onslaught, because when it came to Athdara his resistance was weak anyway. To hell with his reasons for refusing her—with a growl, he picked her up and carried her, wrapped around him, up the stairs and into his chamber. He kicked the door to close it, hearing it slam against the frame. His messy bed was in front of them, and he fell forward, trapping her against the mattress.

Trapping her to him.

The voyage of discovery had begun.

By the light of the moon coming in through the windows, Tay kissed Athdara as passionately as he had ever kissed a woman in his life. She was soft and sweet, pliable to his whims, and he rolled onto his side, facing her. It took him a moment to realize that she was pulling at her tunic. She had to let go of him in order to pull it off and another undertunic beneath it. Then she was bare-chested in the weak light, and he found himself looking at her beautiful, full breasts. Quickly, he sat up to remove what he was wearing from the waist up, and that pause gave Athdara time to shimmy off her breeches and unlace her shoes.

Everything ended up on the floor.

Tay took a moment to admire her magnificent body. She was long and strong, with a narrow waist and round hips. Athdara pulled him down to her, her arms around his neck as encircled her in his big arms, sucking the breath from her. His hands began to roam, feeling her slender torso before moving to the flesh of her hips. As he moved his mouth to her jaw, her neck, he moved his hands up to her full, delicious breasts.

The beast in him came out.

Her nipples were hard, and he toyed with them, causing her entire body to tremble. As a virgin, Athdara should be intimidated by his intimate touch, but she truly wasn't. Tay's touch made her feel warm and giddy, and she loved it. When he latched on to a nipple, sucking tenderly, Athdara groaned.

That sound in his ear made him suckle her harder.

Tay could hardly believe how responsive she was. The more he suckled her, the more she bucked and groaned. Her legs parted for him instinctively, and her right leg went over his left hip. His left hand, one that had only really known warfare and brutality, was now the gentlest of appendages as he moved it down her belly to the dark curls between her legs. Since she had a leg over his hip, he had free access to her woman's center. He suckled her breasts steadily, holding her against him with one hand while the other went to work between her legs.

Athdara was already wet and hot, and he put his fingers into her. She gasped at the tender intrusion but didn't pull away. After taking a few moments to get used to the sensation, she began to move her hips against him, drawing at his fingers, and Tay genuinely thought he would lose his mind. He'd never experienced anything like it in his entire life.

He had to have more.

In fact, he had to have it all.

Very carefully, he held her left leg behind the knee as he angled himself against her, gently thrusting his manhood into her quivering body. She was so very tight that this time, he groaned. He groaned and grunted as he worked his way into her with small thrusts, gently paving the way for his complete entry. He nursed her breasts to distract her as he drew back and thrust again, listening to her sigh as he seated himself deep. She didn't cry out or try to push him away, but rather accepted everything he was doing.

When he was finally deeply embedded in her, he rolled her onto her back and began to thrust, gently at first but with increasing power.

Athdara lay beneath him, her legs spread wide as she welcomed him into her body for the first time. There was no pain, only wonder. Tay was skilled and he was gentle, and he succeeded in building an overpowering heat within her loins that made her want to thrust her hips against him. She learned that bolts of lightning surged through her every time they came together, and she wanted to feel that lightning. It grew brighter with each successive thrust.

Then something happened.

The thunder rolled and the lightning exploded deep within her body. Overwhelmed with it, Athdara began gasping as wave after wave of ecstasy rolled over her.

Feeling her tight walls drawing at him, Tay could no longer control himself, and in one great and powerful thrust, he spilled himself deep.

It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever experienced.

Even when he was spent, he didn't want it to be over. He wanted to remain embedded in her body for the rest of his life. He continued to move in and out of her, feeling the warm wetness of what he had put in her, utterly content for the first time in his life. He'd never experienced this act with someone he so deeply loved, and it bonded him to her like nothing he'd ever known.

It was heaven.

"Are you well?" he whispered into her hair. "Did I hurt you?"

Athdara was all wrapped up around him. She had no idea where she ended and he began because, at the moment, they were one heart, one body, one soul.

"Nay," she murmured. "You did not hurt me. It was… beautiful."

He smiled faintly, blowing her hair from his mouth. "You are beautiful," he muttered. "Beautiful and powerful and naughty. I am the most fortunate man alive." In his embrace, he could feel her giggle.

"I did not mean to be naughty," she said.

"Aye, you did when you coerced me into this bed."

"Very well. I did." She lifted her head, looking up at him as they lay together on their sides. "You did exactly what I wanted you to do. There, I've said it. Satisfied?"

A wicked smile spread across his lips. "Very much so," he said, gathering her tightly. "And I shall be again before the night is out."

She wasn't sure what he meant until he kissed her again, deeply, and his manhood, still embedded in her, began to pulse to life. She could feel it. As she lay there, staring at the wall behind him, he began to thrust into her again, slowly and gently, and she could feel her body rising to his passion. She was so sensitive from their previous lovemaking that she released again in no time. They were on their sides, facing one another, and he was angled between her spread legs, thrusting into her, as lightning raced through her loins again and again. But the truth was that she was new to this, and her woman's center was becoming tender, no matter how much she liked what they were doing. She finally put her hand where their bodies joined in a weak attempt to stop him.

"No… no more," she breathed. "I cannot… Oh, God…"

She climaxed one last time as he thrust into her, hard, his entire manhood buried in her body as he released himself again. His hands were on her breasts, pulling at them, his mouth moving between her breasts and her neck. Athdara wasn't sure she could take any more, but the sensations were good. So very good.

Already, she yearned for it.

Breathing heavily, Tay finally came to a halt and gathered her to him tightly, his chin on the top of her head as he cuddled her against his powerful torso.

"I am sorry," he murmured. "Forgive me, but I could not stop myself. I've never… This has never happened to me."

"What has never happened to you?"

"I've met someone who was made just for me."

Athdara took a long, slow breath, closing her eyes as a lone tear trickled down her temple. She could hear his heart beating steadily in her left ear and could feel his big body, warm and powerful, all around her. She'd never felt safer, nor more cherished, than she did at this very moment.

I've met someone who was made just for me.

She had, too.

"I love you," she whispered. "Until the mountains crumble and the oceans run dry will I love you. And longer still."

He kissed the top of her head. "I was thinking the same thing," he said into her hair.

Athdara couldn't even speak. To think she'd be leaving him in a short time was more than she could bear. She wanted to soak up her last hours with him, greedily, because they were hours that would have to sustain her for a lifetime.

Wrapping her arms around him as if to never let him go, she slept.

*

It was the snoring that woke her.

That wall-rattling, earthshaking snoring that was coming from Tay's nose. His mouth wasn't even open—it was all coming out of his nose.

Carefully, Athdara lifted her head.

They weren't wrapped up in each other as they had been when she fell asleep, mostly because neither one of them were used to sleeping with someone else. She'd managed to move away from him, and he remained on his side, a big arm lying across her belly. When she first rolled onto her back somewhere in the previous hours, that arm had been just below her chest. His left hand was on her right breast. and every so often, he'd pinch her nipple. She finally had to put her hand up there to stop him because every time he did it, she wanted him to bed her again, and this wasn't something that could go on all night. At some point, it would have to stop.

Everything had to stop.

And now, that moment had arrived.

He was snoring so heavily that he didn't even stir when she gingerly climbed out of bed. He didn't move as she silently collected the clothing she'd ripped from her body in the heat of passion. After picking up everything, she snuck out of the chamber and back into her own, where she quietly shut the door to re-dress.

Swiftly, she grabbed a leather satchel, one he'd bought her when he purchased all of those things for her in Tiverton, and began shoving things into it. She only wanted to pack the things she'd come with, but that old pair of breeches and the tunic were so ruined that it would be difficult to wear them again. They were mostly falling apart. Therefore, she only packed a couple of pairs of new breeches, four tunics, a comb, soap, and a few other things she would need on her travels. The only cloak she had was a fine one with fur lining, so she took that and put some money on the table to pay for it. She didn't have much, but she wanted to at least make the gesture.

Given that she was going to break the man's heart, she thought she should.

St. Denis had the missive she'd written him, and he was supposed to give it to Tay on the morrow when he went looking for her. He might think that the missive was forged, which was why she'd cut off a lock of her hair and sealed it into the envelope. That way, he'd know she'd written it.

He'd know she was serious.

Tears threatened, but she wouldn't give in to them, not now. Even through the closed door, she could still hear him snoring. She dressed in breeches and a long, heavy, and well-made tunic that went to her ankles, allowing her to ride and move freely. Her old boots went back on her feet, as she wouldn't take the new ones that Tay had purchased for her, and she braided her hair tightly to keep it out of her way. After donning the cloak, she grabbed the satchel and slipped from the chamber.

At this hour, she was wary of Marina being in the kitchen, but her friend was nowhere to be found. Athdara headed for the kitchen door, but when she remembered how badly the hinges creaked, she went to the front door.

Even as she passed through it, she could still hear Tay snoring overhead. She heard him as she went out into the street. When the snoring faded away the farther she went, the tears finally came.

Time, for her, was of the essence now, so she ran all the way to the stables.

The stable area of Blackchurch was rather large. The guild had, at any given time, thirty or more horses. Some were used for training, but others were personal possessions of the trainers and the de Bottreaux family. Athdara entered one of the smaller stable structures, then, seeing that it was dark and that there was no horse waiting for her, moved to one of the larger ones.

Inside, she found a saddled mount, a long-legged warmblood, that was ready to ride. There were saddlebags and a rain cloak attached to it. On a post near the horse, an oil lamp burned low, giving off enough light for her to tie her satchel to the saddle. A servant, one who would stay with the animals at night in case there was an emergency, was sleeping off in the darkness. She could barely see him in the shadows. The only thing she didn't see was a blanket for the horse, so she went over to an old stool against the wall to collect one that was tossed on top of it—and then she heard a voice from behind.

" La fille du duc. On se revoit, demoiselle ."

Startled, Athdara turned to see a man emerging from the darkness toward her.

And he was carrying a very big dagger.