11. Teysha

11

TEYSHA

Sydney and her friend Korine McKibbens show up at ten on the dot like agreed. Korine knocks gently while Sydney sends a text.

We've come to rescue you :)

I look up from my phone to the bathroom mirror. The reflection that stares back at me is a woman with uncertain eyes and a natural frown. I've put effort into looking presentable—the sundress I've borrowed from Sydney accentuates my figure and I've barrel-curled my hair. I swiped on some lip gloss thinking about how Logan seems to like it; he can never stop staring at my mouth whenever I do.

But outside appearances can be deceiving. The most presentable person can be hiding an ugly truth.

It's been two weeks since I was rescued from the Chosen Saints compound. Yet the thought of going somewhere in public— so out in the open —gives me anxiety. My ribcage cinches tighter as I draw in a breath.

It's going to be fine. I've been to the mall dozens of times.

My lips spread enough to lift into a smile. I practice holding it for a few seconds, then decide I've stalled long enough.

Knowing Sydney, she'll find a way into the apartment if I don't answer soon. She's been worried about me from the moment she found out I was missing. It's part of the reason she suggested we spend time together today. She says I've been holed up too much in Logan's apartment.

Logan agreed with her and gave me money to enjoy myself.

They might be right that I've locked myself away in the apartment for too long.

While it may be true, at least it's a safe haven.

Everything smells like Logan and he's the only one that I have to be with.

A trip to the Pulsboro Mall means being open and exposed in public. I was okay when I went to the clerk's office because I was with Logan .

Today will be my first time in public without him.

"There she is!" Sydney says when I step out the front door.

"Sorry, I was behind on getting ready."

Korine shrugs from my left side. "No big deal. We have plenty of time. Do we want to eat first or do some shopping?"

We vote on lunch first and wind up at a Tex Mex spot on the other side of town. The ceiling fans spin dizzyingly fast, doing overtime to battle the June heat.

We hear the sizzle before we hear our server's voice .

"Loaded fajitas for the beautiful trio of ladies." Our server carefully sets down the huge platter of steak and chicken fajitas in the center of the table. He stands back, clapping his hands together. "Do we need any more napkins? How about a reup on those chips and salsa?"

"We're good, thank you."

Our server winks after he lets us know to call him if we need anything else.

"This was a really good idea," Korine says, sipping from the straw of her Sprite. "I don't even know where to start with these fajitas."

"Divide and conquer." Sydney passes out the smaller plates so we can load our own. "Mace first brought me here after I said I was craving authentic Tex Mex. None of that franchise stuff."

"Mason has always been a foodie," Korine says, smirking. She's carefully transferred a mix of steak and chicken along with peppers onto her plate. "When we were in high school, he was always dragging us to some hole in the wall spot when class let out."

"It's the same now. Except no class." Sydney looks across the table at me. "You want some, Tey?"

"Hmm? Oh, sure."

"Here, take all this."

Sydney serves me a large heap of the sizzling meat. I smile in gratitude, trying to feel more present in the moment.

The truth is, every time the bell above the door rings as it opens and someone new walks in, I'm tensing up. I'm glancing over with a racing heartbeat, questioning who it is that'll enter. If it'll be a customer looking to grab some Tex Mex or if it'll be…

I close my eyes at the imagery of the Leader walking in .

His pale face gleaming in triumph, his icy gaze set on me. One second, he seems so real, then the next, he's gone. He was never here in the first place.

"Tey?"

I blink to find both Sydney and Korine staring. "Hmmm?"

"Syd asked you how things are with Logan," says Korine. Her tone's gentle, her expression neutral.

Neither of them are judging me. Both have taken me out to spend time together and give me a change of scenery, something that's different from Logan's apartment. I just wish I could be more entertaining.

Sticking my fork in a slice of grilled chicken, I give a smile and shrug. "You know how it goes. We're still getting used to each other. It's a lot all at once."

"So, I'm confused. You're legally married? Did you choose each other at the… place?" Sydney asks.

"We… uh, we didn't get to…" I try to swallow the slice of chicken, but it winds up a lump in my throat. I reach for my glass of iced tea, hoping to force it down. It takes me a few hard swallows to realize it isn't the chicken. I clear my throat and try again. "Logan has been considerate. Comforting. It could've been a lot worse."

Sydney and Korine exchange looks.

"I'm glad it sounds like you've been able to form a real bond," Korine says. "Sometimes you find them when you least expect it."

"You mean like me and Mace?" Sydney laughs. "We couldn't stand each other when we first met."

"Now look at you two. Engaged ." Korine reaches across the table to hold up Sydney's left hand. "He did pretty good on the ring."

"Please! I know he consulted you. Cash let it slip. "

"Blake would do that."

I'm relieved to be more of a listener as Sydney and Korine laugh about their men. My mind wanders to Logan, wondering if he would ever confide in his brother and friend about an engagement ring. If he would ever get down on one knee and propose to a woman he loves.

We're married, yet I'll never know the answer…

"What about you and Cash?" Sydney asks, raising her brows. "Any proposals in the future?"

A small smile creeps onto Korine's face, her short hair a perfect frame for the demure expression. "I just got divorced. I told Blake we'll get married after Ken's officially sentenced. He's up for ten max. Five minimum."

"Yesss! That's cause for celebration on multiple levels." Sydney snaps her fingers in approval to more of Korine's laughs. "We'll both be seeking marital advice from Tey."

"Oh," I say with a quick shake of my head, "I don't have any advice to give. I don't know anything about marriage."

"You and Logan have decided to work it out, right?" Korine asks.

It's a simple question I shouldn't think twice of.

If Logan and I were really trying to make things work.

The annulment wouldn't be hanging over my head. I wouldn't have an inevitable bus ticket to Boulder with my name on it. Mama and Grandma Renae have made it clear the clock is ticking.

The marriage I've always dreamed of is fading away more by the day…

My eyes drop to the plain silver band on my hand that symbolizes the union Logan and I have. It was slipped onto my finger as tears rolled down my cheeks and I trembled in fear.

I've continued wearing it because it's supposed to mean something.

But the truth is, the ring couldn't be less special; it couldn't be more devoid of real meaning.

All Chosen Saints who were partnered off were forced to wear them.

Only the Leader was allowed to forgo his.

We were his for the taking if he chose to have us. I was the Leader's wife just the same as I was Logan's.

Things are somehow more complicated now. In the real world, we're married but free to do as we please. We don't have to stay together anymore.

Logan wants an annulment.

Heat spreads through my chest and climbs up my throat. It flushes onto my face, rendering the cool air from the ceiling fan useless. But I have to keep my act up; I already decided before I left the house that I would do what Mama and Grandma Renae call ‘keeping up appearances'.

"We're trying to work everything out," I say after a pause. "We've decided it's for the best. We've become one flesh."

Korine offers me a kind smile. Sydney's reaction is a lot more cryptic. Her brows furrow, a studious vibe developing about her. Almost as if she senses something off.

I was never the best liar. Mama used to remind me that the Lord detests lying lips. Liars are never rewarded.

…but what if we really did make it? What if I can change his mind?

It started off forced, but what if we give it new meaning? What if we can erase the bad parts and make everything right again?

We finish the rest of our lunch before driving to the town shopping mall. Sydney and Korine help me pick out a few pieces for my limited wardrobe. Several sundresses, tanks, and denim shorts later, we browse a few other shops. Korine picks out a birthday gift for her mother, Sunny, and Sydney grabs us some frozen yogurt from a stand.

I return to the apartment with bags on my arms and a more genuine smile than I had earlier. Sydney and Korine wave before they drive off, and I head inside.

My spirits are higher. My earlier anxiety is gone.

Hope returns as an excitable beat of my heart.

I'm in such a great mood that I rush into the bedroom and change into one of my new dresses. The sundress Sydney's lent me falls to the floor as I tug the thin-strapped flowery one over my head. I twist and turn in front of the mirror and fix up my hair. Lip gloss is the finishing touch.

After checking the time, I move into the kitchen to start on dinner. If I hurry, I'll be able to have something ready when Logan walks through the door. He's been getting home around six o' clock the past few nights.

It's been over a week since Logan went grocery shopping, so pickings are slim.

I work with what we've got. Thankfully, Mama taught me how to cook from an early age.

I whip up some chicken alfredo using the cutlets we have leftover paired with a hunk of parmesan cheese, heavy cream, and a garlic clove for the sauce.

Pasta is one of Logan's favorites. I've noticed how he always keeps some kind of pasta on hand as one of his go-to meals.

As his wife, I'll learn all of them. I'll happily make them for him.

Six o'clock comes and goes .

The pasta waits on the stove. I've taken out the cutlery and plates.

These days, the sun's staying out later into the evening. It's minutes before eight when it's finally setting.

The living room begins to darken. I slip closed the blinds and twist on the lights.

If he were to come home in the next few minutes, we could still have dinner at a reasonable hour. There's still hope that he'll make it.

After another hour, I resort to texting Logan:

Dinner's waiting :)

And when that goes unanswered:

I hope you'll be home soon. I've missed you. 3

And when that, too, goes unanswered:

Please answer. Will you be home soon??

I set down my phone as I look at the clock on the microwave and my insides knot up at the late hour. The nightly news ends on the local channel and some rerun of an old '90s sitcom comes on. My lip gloss has long ago faded.

Though I'm seated calmly on the sofa, my hands folded in my lap, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I'm hanging on by a thread, counting every breath I take. I'm clinging to the thought that Logan will be home any moment and I won't be alone anymore.

Please… hurry…

The night drags on. At some point, I lay down on the sofa and distract myself with the late-night informercials. I fall asleep gripping the remote and throw blanket like they're lifelines.

Logan's key clicking in the lock wakes me up. The door drifts open to make way for Logan to slip inside. He staggers over to the kitchen counter, tossing his wallet and keys. He moves on to the fridge for a can of beer.

I quickly blink away any drowsiness, then leap to my feet. "Where have you been?"

He pops the tab on the beer can and downs a quarter of it. "Why are you still up?"

"I've been waiting for you! Did you see my texts?"

"I haven't checked my phone. There were more important things going on."

He leaves the kitchen for the hall. I follow a couple steps behind, my temper a thin veil for hurt feelings clenched in my chest. How could he dismiss me like he is?

"Were you out drinking? Out partying at the club? Were there other women there?" I ask, firing off questions. "Why won't you ever tell me what you're doing? Why won't you ever take me with you?"

"Teysha, lower your damn voice."

"I've… I've been waiting for you!" I repeat, my throat ac hing. I rush to block his path by getting ahead of him. "Why won't you just try?"

Logan's eyes darken when they meet mine. He bares his teeth, leaning closer to growl at me. "I don't have time for this shit! Move out of my way."

I'm moved against my will. Logan grabs me by the upper arm and jerks me to the side. Enough space for him to pass by. I stumble from the forceful tug, almost stepping into the wall. He's already walking through the bedroom doorway.

"You owe me an explanation!"

"I don't owe you shit."

"I'm your wife!"

He barks out a loud, callous laugh. "You ain't my wife, and I ain't your husband. Let's get that straight right now."

Try as I might to hold it together on the outside, on the inside it's like I'm breaking apart. My lungs shatter drawing my next breath. Cracks that form before I can stop them. A wounded cry slips out that sounds pitiful even to my ears.

But it's only a reflection of how I feel. The ache of being unwanted and unloved.

Longing for what we'd had before. Times that were dark but still offered fleeting moments of comfort.

I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hands, rattled to my core. I'm breaking apart before Logan, coming to the realization I've been foolish. I've thought he'd care. I've wondered if he could change his mind and love me…

Irritation and anger greet me instead. His scowl clenches onto his face, no light to be found in his gaze.

I'm wiping away more tears, watching Logan move into the bathroom. He flicks on the bright light and tugs his t-shirt over his head.

It's the first time I'm afforded a clear view of him, bathed in light.

I gasp at the blood and bruises I discover.

Logan's got a bloodied lip. His right cheek's more swollen than usual. A couple bruises color his torso.

He's been in a fight.