Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Maddie

I should be exhausted, but I can’t sleep.

Something in Roman’s story about his father and Maria. He said his father fell in love. That he’d gone crazy for Maria.

And then Roman compared that to himself.

Am I stretching? Trying to find meaning in his words where there is none?

Or did Roman admit that he has feelings for me?

Hope rises like a ridiculous buoy in my chest. I know it’s foolish. I am not the woman that keeps Roman Kincaid.

I’m surprised I’m even the woman that gets to share his bed for a short time.

But I can’t turn the hope off and so finally, I get up.

I pull on his T-shirt that’s been left discarded on the foot of the bed and pad out to the living room.

Thomasina is in the whelping box, I hear her purring. “Lights,” Roman commands. The lights come up and I can see Roman’s arm draped down, softly stroking her head as he lays on his side on the couch. “You and Thomasina made friends.”

He gives a small laugh. “We did. Finally.” And then he pulls his hand out of the box and opens his arms to me. “What are you doing still awake?”

“Someone promised me cuddles after my first time,” I sigh. “It’s lonely in that bed.”

“Come here.”

I go to him without question, slipping into his arms. Our legs twine together, my arms wrapping about his bare torso, as my face snuggles into the crook of his neck.

“Better?” He brushes a kiss over the top of my head.

“Much.” I can’t help feeling like this is where I belong.

He pulls me even closer, his hand pressing to the spot just above my ass. It’s possessive in a way that makes me feel cared for. My eyes close, so ready for sleep. “You know,” he rumbles. “Thomasina’s been quiet enough that I could probably bring the whelping box into the bedroom.”

“Tomorrow,” I murmur, not moving a muscle. Is the couch too small for two people? I know it is. I just don’t care how well I sleep as long as I’m with him. “This is the most comfortable I’ve been all night.”

I feel the laugh vibrate through his torso, his chest hair tickling my nose. I could drown in this man and I’d be happy doing it.

“Your wish is my command.”

My hand slides down his side as I bury my nose even deeper into his neck. I want to ask him how he feels but it’s never a question that’s felt fair.

Like I’m putting some kind of pressure on him to share when maybe he isn’t ready.

Or maybe I’m just afraid of how he’ll answer.

So, I don’t ask.

Instead, I relax into him. Well, even more than I was. But tired and comfortable as I am, the questions won’t let me be. Finally, I ask one of them. “We should talk about when I go home.”

“Why?” If anything, his hand presses my hips tighter to his. “There’s no rush. You can stay here for as long as you need.”

I shake my head against him as I debate what to say. I should leave it until the morning. But part of me has been stewing in that bedroom and I can’t quite hold back the words. “Roman, you have to know that’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?”

I lift my head. I can hear his irritation. His voice laced with some defensiveness. “Because…”

“I know you miss your patients, but we have the kittens now and?—”

I blink back my surprise. “Roman. It’s not about them. It’s about me. I…”

“You what?”

“I’m afraid…” I choke on the next words.

“What are you afraid of, love? Whatever it is, you know I can fix it.”

He is not making this conversation easy. I press deeper into his arms, my hands clinging to his skin. How can he save me from the heartbreak he himself will bring? I feel it as surely as I feel the skin of his back. Roman Kincaid will break me. But I don’t know how to say any of this. “I’m not good at having lovers.”

I feel him relax, his muscles loosening. “Not true. What happened tonight was next level.”

That makes me flush with heat. It’s amazing to know. And it calms some of my reservations. “Let me rephrase. I’ve never had a casual sex thing. I’ve never had any sex at all. I don’t know how. I…” I’m stumbling again, trying to make him understand that my emotions are already involved.

“Fuck. Maddie.” But maybe I said enough. Because his hand finds my chin and then he’s tipping my face up a moment before he captures my lips with his. It’s sweet and sexy all at the same time, especially when he opens my mouth, sweeping his tongue against mine.

My body heats, the kiss growing desperate as I cling to him.

It goes on and on, sleep completely forgotten, until Roman finally pulls back. I cry out a small protest.

“Baby, you’re too new at this, we have to stop now.”

“I don’t want?—"

“We can’t get too deep tonight, your body needs to recover and you need your sleep.” Then he gives me another soft kiss, meant to soothe, not excite. My mouth clings to his. “But this isn’t casual for me, either.”

I shake my head. It can’t be true. “Nobody stays around to love me, Roman.” I didn’t mean it like that. Not like he has to be in love. “Not that I expect you to love me like that. I mean caring?—"

He hugs me tight to his chest. “I know what you meant and it’s not true. Lucia loves you. Your grandmother did too.”

“I love them both too.”

“So maybe everyone doesn’t choose to be in your life. Maybe it’s just a few. But the people who choose it, Maddie, I think they choose it all the way. No reservations. No hesitation.”

He’s not talking about himself, is he? Again, I don’t ask. I’ve already put enough pressure on him. “You can’t know that.”

“I do know that. Just like I know that you love with your whole heart. Without reserve, you give to every person you love. You inspire loyalty, Maddie, and you give it too.”

My shaking fingers touch his cheek. No one has ever said such beautiful things to me. “Roman…”

“You need your sleep, sweetheart. Let’s finish discussing this in the morning.”

I grimace. Sleep is the last thing I need now. Because as much as he’s said, I find myself wanting to say more. So much more. The words I’ve been holding back fall from my lips. “I think I might be in love with you.”

Shit. I didn’t mean to say that either.

He kisses me again, a chaste kiss that leaves me feeling empty. It’s not even close to enough. “Maddie. You stay here as long as you want. And count me among the people who will give you the shirts off their backs. Understood?”

I nod, laying my head back down, fighting ridiculous tears. This is why I should have waited. Or kept quiet. I’m too tired, too raw, to keep my chin up. On the surface, it all sounds great. But there is so much he didn’t say.

He didn’t tell me he loved me back.

I knew he wouldn’t, but still, I’d hoped…and I’d promised myself I wouldn’t pressure him to give more than he wished.

With a sigh, I turn, facing out so that our bodies are spooned together.

Thomasina gives a small meow and I reach down into the box, giving her a small pet, before I tuck my hands under my face.

I went and fell in love.

And the man I picked just told me about how much loyalty I inspire.

It’s great and all, but…

I should have stayed silent. Should have stayed in the bed.

Losing your virginity can override even the most sensible person and even my gran says I was lacking in that department.

“Maddie,” Roman rumbles behind me. “What’s wrong?”

I won’t make the same mistake again. We’re done talking, especially about my feelings. If we keep going I’ll likely cry, and I don’t know a ton about relationships, but I do know that will not help my cause. “Nothing. Good talk.”

His hand slips from my arm to my belly, and then lower, dipping between my legs. I’m only wearing his T-shirt, which means his fingers slide along my bare pussy.

Even now, hurt feelings, aching body, I shudder in response, my body instantly responding.

His lips come to my ear. “Don’t pull away, sweetheart. Don’t give up on me.”

My pulse explodes in my veins, blood rushing in my ears.

I’d give him every piece of myself if he’d let me.

His hand stills, just cupping my pussy as he continues to nuzzle that spot on my neck. “I’m not giving up on you,” I say. “I never give up on anyone.”

“I’d figured that one out all on my own.”

I smile turning my head so that his nose is against my jaw. “But I also know that I’m too much for so many and I don’t want to overwhelm you.”

“I’m a man, Maddie. I can take anything you give, any burden you need.”

I shake my head. It isn’t true. “I’m trying to know when enough is enough, when I need to give you space, not more of myself.”

His other arm is under me, wrapping tighter about my torso. “I don’t want space. I want you.”

That quiets some of my fears and I close my eyes, sighing into him.

Did he tell me that he loved me? No.

But those words. For tonight…they are enough.