Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“ T hat is a question I wasnae expecting.” Kai considered. It was the very question he had prayed no one would ever ask, and now Ava, of all people, was the one to ask it. Yet her fingers were now trailing against his own so sensually, entwining then playing with his hand, that the mere thought of pulling away seemed impossible. Determined to stay warm, he just played with her hand too. “Ye truly want tae ken?”

“Of course, I dae.” Ava nodded firmly as she sipped her hot milk. “Some days, I feel I ken ye so well. Others nae at all.”

“Ye ken me better than any woman does,” he found himself saying with surprising seriousness, looking down at their joint hands.

“Yet I dinnae ken everything about ye. Sometimes, I feel ye ken me more than I ken ye, because ye can read me. Ye read what I’m feeling.”

“Ask me anything, and I would tell ye,” he said with full sincerity, looking up as she continued to trail her fingers. She was taunting him now with that touch, making him want to raise that hand to his lips, turn it over and kiss her palm. Maybe her lips would part in a perfect little moan. He longed to hear what Ava would sound like when she moaned.

“I have just asked ye a question,” she reminded him. “Would ye answer me? Please?” She asked sweetly. She wasn’t using a commanding or fierce voice but that soft voice she had used that morning in the cave. It made his insides feel like they were molten wax, hot and malleable.

“Because…” He tried to tell her, but his throat choked a little. He focused on their hands to carry on talking. “Because I am nae worthy of one good woman.” The words left him in a rush.

Abruptly, her hand took hold of his much more sharply. She pushed the tankard away, clearly no longer interested in drinking.

“What dae ye mean by that?”

“I mean… some men are worthy of the love of one good woman in this world. Look at Domhnall. He and Katherine, they fit, they work together, and they are a perfect match. Magnus is the same with Ciara. He even agreed tae leave our clan and become the laird of Ciara’s fer her sake. They belong together. Me? Nay. I am nae such a good man. I have flaws.”

“We all have flaws. That doesnae make ye unworthy of marriage, Kai.” Ava shook her head firmly, urging him to look into her eyes.

“The fact ye can say that and believe it is one of the reasons ye matter so much tae me.” He was on the precipice of saying something more, that he loved her, but he held himself back. There was too much between them now. Saying the word love would be like an explosion of fire erupting in the room.

“I believe it and I ken it tae be true. Kai, ye fool, what on earth would make ye believe ye are unworthy?”

He blinked, holding back the words. There were so many reasons he believed it, but there was a wound, one great pain that told him again and again how he was not good enough for another.

The day his mother had died in Enya’s arms, it had been his fault. Unable to save his sisters from pain, unable to save his mother, the grief had overwhelmed the family at his mother’s loss.

He hung his head now. He couldn’t bring up that memory, that trauma. Not at this moment when Ava was so close and clinging to his hand. He loved the feeling of her fingers against his own too much and feared her taking them away.

“I try nae tae think of the past, nae tae dwell on it,” he explained. “I try tae be happy.”

“I’ve seen that, many times,” Ava whispered. “Ye always try tae be happy, tae make others smile, even when the darkness seems overwhelming. How many times have ye done that for me?”

“It’s the way I have learned tae live.” He spoke with determination now. “It’s the way I can carry on.”

“And with all this goodness in ye, with all this wish tae make people smile even when there is darkness, how could ye possibly think yerself unworthy of the love of one woman?” She stared at him wide eyed, her face open and interested.

The emotions in the room were too much for Kai now. He could feel his own nervousness, his grief, and he could feel Ava’s fear for him, as if it was his own emotion. There was something else there too, something in her that he couldn’t quite put a word to. It was a sort of need as she clung onto his hand.

“I can see ye arenae going tae answer me,” she whispered. “But I hope someday ye dae believe yerself worthy, Kai, because ye are. Ye are the best man I ken.” She smiled so broadly that he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Without thinking, he lifted their joint hands and pressed the back of her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. His heartbeat was so fast, drumming in his chest, that one beat ran into another- And then it was over, as she pulled her hand back.

“Someone’s coming,” she whispered.

He hadn’t even heard it. He had been too busy thinking about Ava alone, but now he did hear the footsteps approaching at a distance.

“I’ll go.” She stood quickly, moving around him and taking his shoulder. “As children we could sneak in here, but if we’re caught as adults, people might say something about me being alone at night in the company of ye.”

“That they might.” He forced himself to smile. “Run away from the rogue, Ava, run quickly.” He winked at her.

She gripped his shoulder tight. He could tell it was an act of comfort after the conversation they had just shared, but he longed for it to mean something more. Then she was gone, slipping out of the kitchen and into the darkness.

Kai bent down over his tankard of milk and stared into the pale liquid, his whole body thrumming with emotions he hadn’t revisited in years. He couldn’t remember being so vulnerable with anyone before.

Ava thrust the sword through the air again. Infuriatingly, the hay bale she had been aiming to strike out at moved away and fell on its side, so she missed it and struck the courtyard ground and clumps of snow instead.

“Thora!” Ava said in irritation, jumping back and pushing up the sleeves of her gown.

Thora stood behind the hay bale giggling. Clearly, she had kicked it over at the last second.

“I’m supposed tae be practicing here. Ye removing me targets isnae helping matters.”

Thora shrugged with mischief and smiled. Ava swung the sword around, intending to take aim at another hay bale which had been set up for sword practice, yet as she moved, her boot slipped on the ice. She nearly went flying and had to grab a low-lying wall in the courtyard to prevent herself falling flat on her face. Her gloved hand gripped the ice and stone wall hard as she heard Thora giggling behind her. “Thora!”

Thora brushed off some of the snow from the wall and moved to sit on it. “Now, are ye going tae tell me why ye have been working yer anger off all morning with a sword? What are ye angry about?”

“Nothing,” Ava lied as she stood straight and marched toward another hay bale. This time, she wasn’t impaired by the ice or Thora kicking the bale away. She performed a perfect lunge and ran the hay bale straight through.

“Ye’re lying,” Thora called.

“I’m nae,” Ava shouted back as she swung around again.

She knew she was lying. She had been angry ever since she had left Kai in the kitchen the night before, though she couldn’t put her finger on why. Was it because he seemed to think himself unworthy of love? Was it anger that she’d had to leave him so soon out of fear of being caught together? Or was it a fury all because of something else?

Her dreams in the night hadn’t helped. She’d gone to sleep and woken up heated, her body on fire, for she had dreamt she had climbed into Kai’s lap in that kitchen and begged him to help her with that feeling between her legs. Dream Kai had happily obliged, placed her back onto that table and reached under her skirt with his fingers. But then she woke up, probably because she had no idea what would actually happen if a man did touch her down there.

“Thora?” Kai’s voice made her whip around in surprise. She nearly slipped on the ice again, though this time, Thora was beside her to catch her arm and make sure she didn’t fall.

“Aye?” Thora called up to him.

“Katherine has asked fer yer help with the bairn,” Kai called as he strode out into the courtyard. Ava’s eyes ran over him. He was wearing a tight shirt today and loose cloak over the top. It reminded her of that flash of skin she had glimpsed the night before. “Erik is proving a handful this morning.”

“Och I’ll happily go help with me screaming nephew. He’s a confident little lad fer a bairn. Something tells me he’ll be as bold as his father someday,” Thora laughed as she strode past Kai and into the castle.

Ava just stared at Kai for a minute. He was looking back at her, the silence oddly elongating between them.

“A little tip.” Kai took a step forward. “I dinnae ken how Laird Grant thinks, but ye might want tae put yer weapons away when ye meet him.”

Angered at the idea, Ava thrust her sword down into a particularly large clump of ice.

“What is wrong with being a warrior?”

“Och, nothing.” Kai chuckled and shook his head. “But just because I find it attractive, it doesnae mean every man will, Ava. Remember that.” He turned and moved to walk back into the castle.

“Wait… what did ye say?” Ava felt excitement leap in her chest. “Kai?” She moved to follow him, catching up with him in the doorway.

“And about our next lesson.” He leaned back toward her, whispering conspiratorially. “I have tae help me braither today but meet me in me chamber tonight.”

“Yer chamber?” Ava’s mouth had turned dry.

“Aye. See ye then.” Kai turned and walked away, leaving Ava practically dithering with excitement and nerves.

I’ve never been in Kai’s bedchamber before.

The light tap on the door made Kai turn.

Ye are a fool fer doing this. Domhnall is right, dae I really want tae torment meself intae misery?

The idea of teaching a seduction lesson to Ava in his own bedchamber seemed logical at first. They were less likely to be disturbed there. Now when he thought of being so close to Ava, intimately talking together, perhaps touching, mere steps away from his bed, was enough to make him hard in his trews.

He looked down, praying he would stay soft for now, then hurried toward the door and opened it.

“Quick, let me inside,” Ava pleaded, waving at him. “Before anyone sees me.”

Smiling and loving how eager she was to be in his chamber, he opened it wide so she could step in, then closed the door behind her.

“Right, umm… what’s tonight’s lesson?” Her nerves waved off her.

Kai quickly crossed to a table and poured out two tankards of mead, passing one to her. She halted as their fingers brushed on the tankard, staring at him.

Pray, dinnae think too much of that touch, love.

“First, drink this,” he urged. “Ye’re so nervous with me these days.”

“Stop reading me emotions,” she said, looking to the heavens as if pleading for patience.

“I cannae help it.” He shrugged. “Drink that and relax a little. I’m here tae help, remember?”

“Aye, aye, I remember.” She took rather quick sips of the mead.

Kai was beginning to think this was a very bad idea indeed. He was staring at Ava openly, very aware that her gown today was a little lower cut than normal. It revealed more of her chest to him. It felt as if a prowling animal had awoken in his, and it was purring loudly, wanting to see more of Ava.

“Aye, now I have had a drink,” she put the tankard down on the table, “come, tell me tonight’s lesson.”

“Body language,” he said simply, watching as her cheeks pinkened and her brows shot up.

“Body language? As in…” She gestured to the bed.

“Nay!” he barked quickly. “God, Ava, I have told ye, anything ye want tae ken about what happens in a bedchamber, I will tell ye. Tell ye,” he emphasized, showing he would not be one of those men who ever tried to force her into a bed. “I’m talking about confidence in the way ye move, the way ye hold a man’s attention. I can teach ye how tae walk in a way that will make Blair Grant stare at ye.”

“Is that possible?”

“I’ve had many women stare at me as I walk.”

“That’s called boasting, Kai.” She narrowed her eyes at him, prompting him to laugh.

“Let me teach ye, love.” He offered his hand out to her.