Chapter 41

CHAPTER 41

I t had been a couple of days since the fight and Magnus had been keeping his distance from Ciara. His soul longed to be near her, but he understood that she needed space. Part of him was afraid she was going to leave Dunvegan and that he would never see her again, but he knew she had been spending a lot of time with Enya and Katherine. Though Enya wouldn’t reveal the substance of their conversations, she told Magnus enough for him to know that Ciara wasn’t going to run off anytime soon.

Seeing her in the corridors of the castle from a distance and not being able to touch or talk to her was wearing a deep groove in his heart. He searched his memory and could not recall a time in his life when he’d felt as bereft as he did then. Magnus wanted, more than he’d wanted anything in his life, to hold Ciara in his arms and look deeply into her sparkling emerald eyes, and to tell her he was sorry for keeping the secret he’d kept from her.

But Enya had counseled him to keep his distance. She’d told him Ciara would come around eventually. Every day that passed though, was taking a toll on his spirit. On his heart. He was climbing the walls of Dunvegan and was on the verge of begging Domhnall to send him away to scout for Fairfax and his men. He felt the need to do something because haunting the halls of the castle like a ghost without direction was killing him.

On his way to the practice yard to blow off some steam, Magnus rounded the corner and ran into Ciara. He jumped back as if startled and stared down at her. She had the same look of uncertainty on her face Magnus felt upon his and they both stood still and silent for several long moments as if each of them was trying to figure out what to do.

It was the strained silence between them that cut Magnus so deeply. He would have given anything in that moment to hear her laughter again. He swallowed the lump in his throat and ran a hand through his hair.

“Are ye all right?” he asked, finally breaking the silence.

“Aye. I’m fine,” she replied softly. “And ye?”

He shrugged. “As well as I can be, I suppose.”

Another tense silence descended over them, pressing down on Magnus so hard, he thought his knees might buckle. If things between them were ever going to be fixed, he knew it wouldn’t be by waiting and saying nothing and just hoping she would get over it. He knew they needed to talk, that he had to do something to shake the malaise that gripped them both.

“Ciara, I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I didnae tell ye. I’m sorry it seemed as if I was makin’ a mummery of me feelin’s. I wasnae?—”

“Are ye certain of that?” she shot back. “Are ye certain that doin’ yer duty isnae more important than usin’ me feelin’s against me?”

“’Tis nae what I intended.”

“And yet, ‘tis what happened all the same, isnae it?”

Magnus lowered his gaze, doing his best to rein in his emotions. On the one hand, he understood why she was upset. On the other hand, he was frustrated that she didn’t seem to be trying to see things from his point of view. It felt like she was invalidating everything that had happened between them. That she was letting her anger cloud her thoughts.

“Ciara, if ye were in me boots and it had been yer family under threat from Fairfax, ye would have used every tool at yer disposal tae protect yer clan,” he said. “And ye cannae tell me that’s nae true. Ye’ve told me as much.”

“But I wasnae the threat.”

“I ken that,” he snapped. “But there may have been things ye kent or had overheard without realizin’ they were important that we needed tae ken. Ye’ve been in a room with Fairfax and yer faither?—”

She gritted her teeth. “Nae when they were plannin’ on makin’ war. I wasnae included in those conversations.”

“I ken that. Now that I’ve seen intae yer thoughts, I ken that. At the time though, I didnae and I was ordered tae find out.”

“And ye always follow orders, eh?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Nae all of us have the luxury of runnin’ away.”

She recoiled like he’d slapped her and glared at him. “’Tis nae fair.”

“Maybe nae. But it’s true all the same.”

Ciara lashed out once again, catching him across the face with a sharp slap. Magnus didn’t flinch. His emotions were churning so wildly inside of him, he barely even felt it. He stepped forward though, forcing her to take a step back. Ciara squeaked when she bumped up against the wall and was trapped between him and the stone. His cold, blue eyes were fixed on hers and he leaned forward, the tip of his nose mere inches from hers. Ciara drew in a sharp breath and tried to slow her suddenly racing heart.

“What are ye tryin’ tae dae? Kiss me and read me mind again?” she asked.

“Dae ye think this is easy fer me? Dae ye think any of this is easy fer me?” he growled. “Dae ye think I’d really put me family—me entire clan—at risk, just tae get intae yer head?”

“What are ye talkin’ about?”

“I’ve been tryin’ tae protect ye. From Fairfax and from me,” he said. “Dae ye think I’d put all me people at risk just tae hear yer thoughts?”

“I dinnae ken what ye’re bleedin’ talkin’ about.”

Magnus swallowed hard, his head spinning, and the voice in the back of his mind telling him to shut up and walk away. But his heart told him something different. His heart sparked a courage inside of him Magnus never knew he possessed.

“I’ve been tryin’ tae keep ye safe because I’m fallin’ fer ye, Ciara,” he admitted slowly and softly. “I’ve been tryin’ tae protect ye because… because… I love ye.”

Her eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open as she stared back at him looking equal parts shocked and terrified. She seemed to be struggling to find the words to form a response. Magnus wasn’t exactly looking for one in the moment though. It was enough for him to have gotten it out. She knew how he felt and what she chose to do with that was now up to her.

Magnus eyes drifted to her full lips, slightly parted, and had to fight the urge to lean forward and press his mouth to hers. The desire was so strong, he felt himself being pulled toward her. He had to physically stop himself and with a final look into her emerald-green gaze, Magnus turned and walked away.