18. Kiera

Chapter 18

Kiera

I killed a man.

And caressed Aiden’s face.

The first seemed as though it should be more significant than the other. But that one, warm, tender touch might prove to be more damning than murder.

What a strange life I led that affection was more dangerous than the knives I carried. But Aiden was the enemy. He just didn’t know it. And in moments like these, he didn’t feel like it.

But the Wolf . . .

Bile rose in my throat. I swallowed against it, but the acid remained. My eyes stung again. My head groaned under the sudden pressure.

I’d killed a Wolf and nearly killed another.

What was Renwell going to do when he found out? He would figure out it was me in that alley. He was the one who’d taught me to aim for an enemy’s throat with my knives. Probably didn’t expect me to use them on his Wolves.

Which meant I hadn’t just broken one of his rules. I’d obliterated it.

Fear crawled like spider legs over my skin, and I shivered.

“I’ll fetch you another blanket,” Aiden said, quickly disappearing into the other room.

I hated that he left, if only for a moment. But I kept quiet.

A dark, brittle part of me yearned to touch him again, to pull him closer, to see how it would feel to be wrapped up in his arms. To feel safe in the chaos I’d leapt into.

But what I wanted was an illusion. Whatever emotion I desired from those green eyes, whatever comfort I sought, would be fleeting, and ultimately, false.

I believed him when he said he didn’t want me to die. But that didn’t mean there weren’t other lies between us. Including my own.

No one could truly protect me except myself.

“Here,” Aiden said, draping his cloak over me. “Maz and Ruru are using the other blankets, so this is the best I can do.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. For everything. “How long will my wounds take to heal?”

He rubbed the dark bristle along his jaw, right where I’d touched him. “A few days, perhaps. Your head will mostly heal on its own with a little ointment. But you must tell me if you get dizzy or start to vomit.”

I grimaced. Gods, I really hoped I wouldn’t vomit in front of him again . “And my chest?”

“The clawberry paste knits skin back together without needle and thread. It’s also less likely to scar and sustain infection.”

My eyebrows shot up. “I’ve never heard of such a thing. That’s... that’s remarkable. Is it also from Twaryn? Why don’t more people have it?”

“It’s a very old remedy created by Viridana herself. The clawberries used to be very plentiful but were gathered nearly to extinction for their usefulness. Under the stringent care of the Twaryn forest dwellers, the berries have regrown in number.”

“Do you know the Twarynites well? I hear they only bow to the gods.”

Aiden nodded. “Especially to Viridana. It’s her forest, after all. I had a peaceful life among them. For a while.”

“Then what happened?”

A shadow darkened his gaze. “That’s a story for another time.”

A story he didn’t want to tell. Strangely, I hadn’t asked because I wanted to collect his secrets and use them. I simply wanted to know more about who he was.

“I should go,” he said quietly, rising.

“Why? Where?” I blurted out.

Gods, I sounded like a child. But the sudden roar of desperation in my chest was a beast I was too weak to tame at the moment.

Gods damn your little weaknesses.

“Do you wish me to stay?” he asked.

He was probably exhausted. I had no idea what part of the day it was. He should rest.

“Please,” I whispered. “Just a little longer.”

He immediately sat down. Keeping his enigmatic green gaze on me, he slipped one of his hands under mine and held it. Much as he had when he’d blindfolded me. My world felt darker now than it had then.

His callused thumb brushed over my scarred knuckles, the ridges in our skin nipping and tugging at each other.

Something about that simple touch unlocked a chasm of emotions inside me.

I stared at the dusty ceiling as tears escaped my eyes and trickled into my hair.

Suddenly, I didn’t care if this warmth between us couldn’t last. I wanted it. I needed it. I embraced this little weakness. Because it didn’t feel like a weakness at all.

Instead, it gave me the courage to admit a secret of my own. “I wanted to give up,” I said, the words rough and raw. “In that last moment, when I thought death was coming for me, I wanted to die so I could see my mother again.”

Aiden’s thumb paused for a moment before continuing to stroke my skin. “I’ve wished for the same thing. A time or two, it was almost a relief that death was going to win over me.”

My heart stilled at the thought of him dying.

“Isn’t that what we all want when we reach the dark Abyss?” he continued, his voice sounding far away. “Someone we love reaching for us on the other side.”

A weak hope kindled in my chest. “Do you truly believe that’s what will happen?”

“Some people close to death have claimed to hear their dead loved ones speaking to them from across the Abyss. Whether that was a wishful memory or a happy truth is a mystery. One we won’t understand until it’s our time to cross.” He squeezed my hand. “But not yet.”

“Not yet,” I whispered.

Especially not when that moment of thinking about my mother was followed by agonizing fear. Fear of losing the life I had. Of being separated from Everett and Delysia. Of being thrown into a furnace and turned to ash.

No, I didn’t just fear death.

I feared disappearing.

So, I fought the darkness, even as it continued to hover around me.

At some point, I drifted off to sleep, and when I woke, it was Ruru’s deep brown eyes that looked down at me.

“Kiera,” he breathed, shoving his dark hair out of his eyes. “Aiden said you woke last night, but I almost didn’t believe it. How do you feel? Do you need water? Sophie sent some broth. You didn’t vomit, did you? Aiden told me?—”

“Hush, Ruru,” I croaked. “Water first.”

He leapt to his feet and retrieved a full cup. I drank it in moments, the cool water like liquid silk over my tongue and throat.

“Where is Aiden?” I asked. “How long was I asleep?”

Ruru jerked a thumb toward the other room. “He’s sleeping. It’s about noon. He woke me a few hours ago and told me and Maz that there must always be someone awake by your side should you need anything. Maz said he’ll be back soon with some of those biscuits you like.” Ruru grinned. “He promises he has a boatload of stories to entertain you with, since Aiden said you can’t move until the paste is done.”

I smiled, my stomach rumbling at the thought of food. My heart warmed at their kindness, even as it whispered a warning against getting too attached.

Not being able to move for two days was daunting. Someone would need to tell Melaena why I was missing rehearsal. I also needed to leave my mark for Renwell as soon as I could slip away. Time was running out. And after two more dead Wolves, I didn’t want him to come searching for me.

Over the next two days, Maz and Ruru kept me company, as they promised. Maz regaled me with stories of growing up in Dagriel—about his sisters, his parents, and his clan. Ruru fed me sweet treats from the market and gossip from his messenger duties.

I rarely saw Aiden.

He came in briefly to check my head and my chest, and I caught him sitting with me once when I was sleeping. I wondered if he’d chosen that time on purpose to avoid speaking to me.

When I woke up on the third day, a leather brace lay next to me. It looked just like the one I’d left behind in the palace. This one was also full of knives. Not the knives I’d won, but real, spearheaded throwing knives made of sharpened steel. The hilts molded to my fingers. The weight was perfect.

No one said a word about where they’d come from. But I knew.

Aiden had left my other knives under my cot, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at them anymore. Somehow, he must’ve known.

I strapped the new ones to my waist after he’d announced the clawberry paste had done its job and left.

Someone knocked on the door as I finished tugging on my boots.

“Come in!” I called out.

Ruru burst inside. “Aiden just told me the news! You can move again!”

I laughed as he bounced forward and gave me a ginger hug. “Yes, very exciting.”

“Want to go get breakfast with Sophie? She made apple oatmeal!”

I shook my head. “Aiden brought me some earlier. I have one goal right now, Ruru, and that’s to take a gods-damned bath.”

I’d been taking baths at Melaena’s after rehearsals, but after lying in my stinky, sweaty clothes for two days, I wanted nothing more than to wash off all the paste, ointment, and grime.

Ruru’s face fell. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, I could go with you...”

I leveled my fiercest stare at him, my hands wrapped around my new knives. “I’m going alone, and you’re not going to stop me.”

He blinked, then bobbed his head once.

I hated to push him like this, leaning on the guilt I knew he harbored for leaving me behind in that alley. I’d told him he owed me nothing because I’d wanted him to leave. But the debt still lingered in his eyes.

“I’ll be fine, Ruru,” I said more gently. “It’s daylight. No Wolves. I have my knives and my impressively bad smell to ward off any danger.”

His grin broke out easily. “That’s true. Well, once you’ve washed up, maybe we could get some sticky bread from the market.”

“I’d love that. I’ll be back soon.”

I stepped outside and inhaled deeply. I’d listened to a few rain showers while I lay on my cot, and now the air was crisp and fresh. Clouds danced over the sun, giving warmth and coolness in turns.

I doubted I would ever wander this city after nightfall again.

But at least I’d earned the ability to walk around by myself.

Keeping my head low, I hurried to the tavern Renwell had told me about. The Crescent Moon. I ducked into a grooved alley and tread across the thin stream of water and piss to the west wall. After clearing away a pile of broken crates, I carved two diagonal slashes in the worn stone near the ground.

Now all I had to do was check back.

Was Renwell already waiting for my mark? How often had he checked this wall? Or did he have someone else watching it?

I glanced up and down the alley but saw nothing.

Apprehension roiled in my gut like a black-cloud warning as I made my way to the nearest bathhouse. Ruru had shown me three scattered around the Old and Market Quarters.

I passed one of my last copper coins to the attendant at the front. His nostrils flared as he took in my bedraggled appearance, but he handed me a clean towel and a sliver of honey-scented soap without comment.

The bathhouse felt like a cave of sorts—a large, cavernous stone building. Dim and quiet. A few lit braziers gave the room a soft, sleepy glow. The pool was half the size of the one in the palace, but steam still rose in tantalizing curls above the water. A furnace—not unlike the one the pyrist used—heated the fresh river water from a room below as it was funneled in through an aqueduct.

And I had it all to myself.

I nearly whimpered with relief.

Men and women were allowed to bathe together, Ruru had told me, but not allowed to touch. I’d dreaded climbing into a crowded pool with leering men. Unless the snooty attendant came to check on me, I’d be free from prying eyes.

I chose one of the curtained nooks in the farthest corner and stripped naked. I untied my hair and tried to shake it out. If only I’d thought of bringing a comb...

I bundled my knives into my clothes. Hopefully, no one would be foolish enough to paw through my belongings.

With the towel wrapped around me and armed with my soap, I padded over to the water’s edge. I dipped a toe in.

Oh, gods , it was so warm.

I dropped the towel and slipped into the pool.

The water hugged my sore body, promising relief. With my eyes half-closed in bliss, I dragged the soap over my skin until naught but a pebble was left. Not quite enough for my hair, but I didn’t care.

I gently scraped off the dried clawberry paste with my nails. Bits of green floated away from me before dissolving.

It was hard to see in the steamy, low light, but I couldn’t make out much of a scar. My fingers, however, could track its thin line across my chest. If I stretched it too much, the skin tugged uncomfortably. Melaena wouldn’t be pleased with my stiff movements later.

The thought made me smile. She had sent me a basket of fruit and crackers that hadn’t lasted a day between the four of us. She’d also included some oils she said her dancers used to soothe aching muscles. I had yet to try them, wanting to wait until my skin was clean.

I missed Melaena, despite her apparent role in Garyth’s and Aiden’s schemes. I even missed our rehearsals. I’d started getting better, and the other girls had been a bit friendlier.

I hated to think that progress had been cut short by a Wolf’s blade.

Would Renwell also cut my mission short?

After everything that had happened, everything I’d done, would he pull me out? If he did, I would probably never see Aiden, Maz, Ruru, or Melaena again. Or if I did, it would be under unpleasant circumstances.

A lump formed in my throat.

I slid lower in the water until it closed over my head. Silence and darkness pressed around me like a warm pillow.

My mind conjured the image of a sunstone knife plunging toward my chest.

I jerked upright, gasping for air. My eyes blinked water away as they darted around the shadowy room.

There was no one here. No Wolves. No knives seeking my death.

But then a shadow by the door moved. My heart seized.

“Kiera.”