Chapter Five

I wake up exhausted and know I didn't have a good night. Keylan isn't in bed but I hear him talking to someone in the kitchen. He's all I hear so it must be Nike in there with him.

I turn over and look up at the pretty, decorative, woodwork above me. Keylan has always surprised me with the little details he adds to everything he makes.

He redid his mom's kitchen in high school adding little details and color he had me look up for him. His mom still loves her kitchen and the Brazilian splashes he added. It reminds me that I need to call her. She promised not to tell anyone I was there. I never went home, I went right to Aunt Luana's and she wouldn't let me leave. I told her about my parents then the army. I couldn't get out what happened, but she somehow knew. She's as smart as Keylan so I wasn't surprised, it's one of the reasons I went to her.

After the counselor in Maine, I knew I needed to straighten out my life. I just didn't know how. BACA paid well so I had money and no life to spend it on. My counselor advised me to take one step. I did and engaged in the closest people to me. Then learned about Badass and became a member. I took another step and agreed to help when they needed it. My next step was telling Linda my plan. I expected her to try and stop me but she found Barry in Ohio and I talked to him biweekly for a month. He's not exactly a friend but he's closer to me than even Linda because he knows what I couldn't tell anyone else. He was also brought up Badass.

My mind goes back to how it all started. When we got to Maine, Linda's dad went thermonuclear. I was terrified. It was before my 18th birthday and I was a runaway. His yelling was probably heard by the whole block. Her mom took us to the mall for clothes and I saw the recruitment center. I thought I'd sign up and my parents wouldn't be able to give me to the sicko and his friends, or whoever they were. It was a guaranteed four-year reprieve. Linda sat right with me and surprised the hell out of me signing the papers. She barely made it through high school so she refused any kind of testing. I wanted Marines, thinking I'd find Keylan when I had some time to deal with the mess my life became. I got the testing date but took Army with Linda because her dad went thermonuclear again and her date to report was going to be before mine. I couldn't stay there without her, I think I was still in shock and Linda held my lifeline.

We were separated after boot camp but kept in touch. I'd learned to depend on more than her and made it through without falling over the edge. I never made it close to anyone but I made it through. When she was discharged, she offered to help me get a job in her uncle's restaurant. It kept me from Ohio and I knew I was in no way ready for that, so I went to Maine. I had no plan to work in a restaurant but found a place to live, then the job with BACA.

Linda's dad was happy to include me in their family because his girl had grown up and made them proud. He thought I had something to do with that and wouldn't hear any of what he called ‘lip' from me. I was happy to occasionally show at their family "times" but it wasn't too often. I was still hiding from my parents and the disgusting creep who was from the other side of Maine.

The counselor had me showing to Linda's parents more often. My steps involved confiding in Linda, which wasn't easy. I have scars she'd seen and figure she understood what they were. I took the steps and saw a new world opening up for me and Linda did help. I need to call her too. We've been emoticon messaging but I need to tell her, in words, how many steps I've taken.

Meeting Barry at Denny's off a highway in Ohio, he told me about his mom moving and his Brother being a new President. The Club sounded like it would have a job for me. Emails and a sort of job app later the two-week whirlwind of a new move made me think I was finally living or starting to.

Until I saw Keylan. He stood watching when we rode up and I know he knew it was me. My heart felt like it stopped beating then jumped in my chest and I swear that's when my heart was jumping back into the world with my brain. It was like a reset.

I smile rolling to the edge of the bed. Yesterday should have sent me to a mental ward. For some reason, I'm not surprised, not hurt and definitely not totally bonkers. It's almost as if I have a reason now to erase my parents from my life. How do you steal money from family and lie to your child for life? That's not parents, that's monsters. They dragged me everywhere and while I learned so much, it wasn't because they shaped me. Missionaries and the communities we visited shaped me. My parents rarely showed up. I was told they were setting programs up but knew when I was twelve it was a lie. Going for supplies, we saw them at a hotel drinking right out in the walkway. I hid and watched them. They weren't working and it was then, I realized the missionaries had been babysitters.

My life was messed up long before Father Jim. Now I know it derailed when I was born. How I wished I had a mom like Aunt Luana and the chance of a normal high school experience like Keylan. He worked so hard for his Brothers and mom. He was smart and funny and everyone loved him, but it wasn't what made me fall in love with him. He believed in a better place. He worked for that, he lived and breathed for it. His dreams weren't about him, they were about making life better for the kid down the road that he brought food and fruit to. The neighbor that couldn't push her mower so he got the mouthy teen to mow and the woman took him to see his dad at a jail once a month. He did more for his little place in this world than my parents who globetrotted around the world doing so much less. I loved all he accomplished with seemingly little effort. I saw the difference he made just believing it was possible. I had two whole years at home watching him concoct his simple, elaborate and sometimes funny plans matching people and needs. He was amazing.

His plan for us was set in stone, he'd always say. I'd smile because it's his name. The plan to be a soldier for his Club was long-term and he had the drive to make it there. The only part I hated about his plan was waiting until I was eighteen to start his idea of all in. It meant another mission trip. No matter how hard I tried for more, he wouldn't budge. Respect and honor are hard to fight when you don't understand them completely. He understood. He always understood what those words meant, for him and for me. It was a week later in Peru before I started replaying every word we'd spoken. I realized that respect and honor was for me. If he didn't honor us, there was nothing to base a life on. He'd even said the words but I didn't get it. He was right, I was too young. I wished for a two-week rewind of my life then. I'd tell Keylan about my parents and show him that honor and respect he tried so hard to explain to me. I'd fight harder to get to him before my parents drove us away the day they picked me up from school. I'd beg Aunt Luana to stay with her. I was so young but I would have done anything to stay and see Keylan grow into the man he is now.

I pull my shirt off and walk to the closet. Since it's Church and this is a special day, I get my long-sleeved Badass T out. The new cut will…

"Jesus, no, fuck, baby," Keylan growls out like he's in pain and I know just what he's seeing.

Shit! I freeze. His feet get closer but I can't move. "Uhnnn." Nothing, no words.

"Shhh, my Firefly. Fuck. Beautiful Firefly. I wish for the millionth time I protected you."

The pain…