Chapter 19

CHAPTER

NINETEEN

Cillian wished he hadn’t spilled his guts and ruined the evening. If he hadn’t done it now, though, it would’ve been much worse in another few weeks or months. Anthony getting angry and walking away he could deal with, that was easy. The concern and care were much harder. He wanted to jump up and yell that he wasn’t made of glass, that he was fine.

Because he was.

Because at the time he’d been fine. He’d been flattered, and having fun, and… And even when he won the competition, he’d been on a high… It had been perhaps a year later that he’d started to question things.

Not out loud. Just sometimes when he played a particular piece of music. But even then, he’d been able to brush aside his concerns. They’d broken up at the time of the competition. They’d both moved on. It had been in a fling and nothing more, and they’d both gotten something out of it.

No, the first time the doubts had taken hold had been with Hayden’s insinuations.

“I should walk you home,” Anthony said, worry etched in the corners of his eyes. Like, somehow, Cillian’s past was more troubling than the ten years he’d spent in prison.

Fuck, what a pair they made.

“Please don’t look at me like that. My uncle is a dickhead, but I had more fun sharing a house with other uni students than I would’ve living with him or my aunt.”

Anthony was still watching him as he slowly finished his ice cream. Cillian was tempted to make a quip about better uses for his tongue, but he couldn’t quite find the words. This awkwardness was exactly the reason he didn’t like talking about that side of his family.

“I have no doubt you did. No one can choose their family.” Anthony sighed. “I wasn’t suggesting I come home with you.”

Cillian forced a laugh. “Why not?” But he knew the answer. Because now Anthony was wondering how damaged he was.

His mentor had taken advantage, but at the time it hadn’t felt that way. Sure, he’d been worried his mentor would move on if he refused, and he’d lose access to him. And he’d known keeping the affair secret was a problem—he wasn’t that young and na?ve—but it had been exciting back then.

In one hand, he held the disquiet and uncertainty, and in the other, the excitement and opportunities.

“I’m the same person I was half an hour ago.” The only difference was now Anthony knew two of his deepest secrets. Although Judge Fraser’s downfall wasn’t exactly a secret, most people didn’t connect it to him. He pressed his lips together and stared at the man he was trying not to fall for. “The only reason I felt any shame and embarrassment about the mentor situation is because of Hayden.”

Anthony frowned, his eyebrows pulling together.

“Yes, the affair was ill advised, and there was a power imbalance and all that stuff, and yes, I should’ve said no, but I didn’t want to lose the benefits that came with knowing him. I slept with him for the wrong reasons… Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure your past is not clean in that regard.” He was sure everyone had slept with the wrong person, and for the wrong reasons, at some point. Some people realized at the time and others figured it out afterwards.

He’d known at the time it wasn’t right so he’d told himself it was a fair trade, and that he wanted it, and all that. Most of the time, he convinced himself it had been fine and worthwhile. He’d also learned a few things that didn’t involve the piano. He never felt less than treasured… Until it was his turn to be discarded.

“Yes, but it’s a little bit different because?—”

“Because Hayden is painting it as though I slept with a man who was often invited to judge competitions. That I slept my way to the top. Which isn’t true, but to defend myself, if that’s even possible, I’d have to talk about everything, and I don’t want to. I can’t. Because even telling you meant I had to say it out loud.” He swallowed and took a breath. “That it was all kinds of fucked up.”

“Not only that, you’ll be seen as throwing your mentor under the bus when he’s not able to defend himself.”

Cillian crunched through the end of his ice cream cone. “It’s a lose-lose situation for me, and Hayden knows that.”

“He can then paint himself as a victim, claiming you used him and his parties to improve your social standing and make new connections. Fuck, he can paint you as a right piece of work.”

“Yes, and here I am using you, proving his point.” Cillian opened his hands. “Ta-da. Or should that be case closed? I’m guilty in the eyes of public opinion.”

Anthony sucked in a breath and frowned. “Margot said much the same before I went out tonight. Hayden doesn’t like how much time I’m spending with you.”

“Is he scared? He’s got more money and more connections than anyone else I know.”

“More money, yes, but more connections?”

“I thought no one from your past was talking to you?”

“I didn’t spend ten years in prison without making friends.”

Cillian lowered his voice. “Oh… you mean criminal connections?”

“It’s even more important to have friends on the inside, because if you don’t have friends, you have enemies. While I can’t legally work with money when guys had financial problems on the inside, or their misses were struggling, I helped with budgets. I talked about investments, managed funds versus putting everything on the horse or the dog race. Sure, managed funds aren’t as sexy as winning big, but saving five dollars a week adds up, eventually. A lot of the guys couldn’t think past the week. Planning a month ahead was a big deal. No one had ever taught them how to be financially literate. So I did.”

“You made friends by telling people not to spend money?”

Anthony smiled. “Most of them made a few wrong decisions and things snowballed. Sure, some were hardened criminals who were on their second or third stint for drugs or violent crimes. I learned fast not to judge the person by the crime because, for some, their parents inflicted the first scars.”

That caused Cillian to think about how his parents loved him and wanted all their children to succeed, even if they didn’t understand him and his sister. Nan had refused to let their growth be stifled, no doubt because her own opportunities had been smothered. “So you don’t think I’m using you?”

“You admitted you spoke to me because you wanted help, but everything that came after… I don’t think that’s fake.” He shook his head. “Maybe that’s my own wishful thinking, in which case I’m choosing to believe it. The same way you did. You can’t go through life expecting the worst out of every situation. Unless it involves my brother.”

Cillian grinned. “So, do you want to walk me home and come in for a bit?”

Anthony leaned in and cupped Cillian’s cheek. His lips brushed over Cillian’s mouth. “Of course I do. As long as you don’t think I’m using you for sex.”

Cillian was fairly sure that in his early twenties, half of his boyfriends had only been dating him for sex, and vice versa. They were roommates with benefits: sex, alcohol, party invitations, and connections. It was lust, not love. Only two had ground his heart to dust, and with one of them, it was his own damn fault for dating someone who wasn’t out. The other one Cillian had walked away from after he’d taken some music and passed it on to a friend in a band who’d used it in one of their songs.

That betrayal hurt the most.

It wasn’t even particularly good music, which was why Cillian had never done anything with it. But it was the principle of the thing. All his boyfriend needed to do was ask, and Cillian would’ve given it freely for a credit on the track. These days, his agent wouldn’t let him do something like that.

“We’re both having fun, so it’s not a problem,” he murmured against Anthony’s lips. And Cillian was having fun for the first time in far too long, which was a dangerous place to play in because somebody at some time was going to end up getting hurt.