17. Nikolai

17

NIKOLAI

A baby?

I stared at Amy, rooted in place and so shocked I couldn't breathe right. She'd punched the air right out of me when she didn't deny what Alek said.

She was pregnant .

All the aches and pains of my injuries ceased to matter. I was stunned and numb, completely stuck in this surprise. My heart raced and my chest heaved in shallow, panted inhales, but I couldn't do anything other than stare at her.

A baby!

I lacked the ability to understand how and why Alek could know. He likely went to see her in my room, and maybe she'd told him then. It didn't matter. My brother was the Pakhan and nothing should be a secret from him in this organization.

Even the fact that this woman I couldn't stay away from was pregnant .

"The…" Tears shone in her eyes as she volleyed her gaze from me to Alek. She was right to face him. Without any further explanation, she realized that he was the boss around here. Yet, she constantly glanced at me, picking up on this complete shock I couldn't mask. It was too big of a truth, too heavy of a hit to accept easily.

"The Cartel… uh… one of those thugs raped me a while back, and, um…"

Raped ?

I fisted my hands, needing to pulverize something and vent this unbelievable fury. I wanted to kill the motherfucker who touched her. I wanted to slaughter the man who dared to impregnate her and?—

A low growl left my lips, and she shied back.

"She thinks that might be why the Cartel targeted her when she was walking home," Mila said. "That one of them remembered her and…"

Amy nodded, crying softly next to me.

I yearned to pull her into my arms. To comfort her. To erase the memories of what that asshole did.

But I couldn't. There was no reset on the past, no rewind option to change what was done.

I failed to reach out to her now, too, locked in this cold numbness. The words ping-ponged in my head, not settling as the truth. I didn't want to believe that she'd suffered such a fate.

Alek held my gaze when I made eye contact. He was sober and solemn, too. My brother was a hard man. He had to be to lead, but he nodded at me once. I took the slight gesture as permission to be excused.

Amy's cries grew louder, wrenching at my heart, but I didn't think twice about placing my hand on her upper arm and guiding her out of here. She didn't need an audience for this breakdown. I didn't want her to be on the spot and feeling even worse.

When I touched her, she flinched. Her reaction to my touch pissed me off, but I tried to rein in my temper. I wasn't mad at her. I wasn't furious because of anything she'd done. My rage was focused on the fucker who'd violated and impregnated her, but I wasn't doing a good job of directing my ire.

"Amy." I said her name as calmly as I could, urging her to leave the room with me, but she jerked out of my touch, crying as she filed out of the parlor.

All the way back to my wing, she sobbed and cried, wiping her face. Her steps were sure and steady, not ruined with blurred vision from her tears, but even if she stumbled, if she faltered, I was right there to correct her, to help her if she didn't recoil from contact with me.

Once we were back in my room, I sat and heaved out a deep breath. She didn't sit, standing in the center of the space and avoiding eye contact. Wiping her cheeks, she drew in one deep breath after another, likely trying her hardest to regain her composure.

Amy had backbone. I knew this. It was one of the many things that attracted me to her so deeply and strongly.

She proved it by speaking up freely, without my needing to prompt her to explain or elaborate.

"I'm sorry, Nik."

I tilted my head. Blood was caked on my skin, pulling at my brow as I furrowed it. "For what?"

"For… for all the lies that stand and have stood between us."

I sighed, shaking my head. Lies were a part of who I was. I constantly had to hide behind them as a spy for the Bratva, as a captured man who couldn't betray any information to our enemies .

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you…" She placed her hand on her stomach, and the gesture hit me hard. A baby grew in there, and it wasn't mine. That thought came out of nowhere, but it set in deep in my soul and I hated it.

I wanted my baby to be in her belly. I wanted to father her children. From the first night I met her, she'd lodged in deep and had me wanting her to be mine forever. I couldn't explain it. It was just the way it had happened between us.

"When could you have?" I replied gently, lightening up on my tone. I didn't want to make a single thing worse for her. "I didn't exactly leave you with any means of contacting me after we first met." I frowned. "Were you pregnant then?"

She shook her head but seemed stiff to complete the gesture.

After I'd had her. I curled my fingers into a fist. Goddammit. If I'd told her who I was, if I gave her any way to get ahold of me and see each other again, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely.

She jerked her face up, blinking quickly. "Are you… are you mocking me?"

I glowered at her. "What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't understand. What could you be sorry about?"

I licked my lips, nursing the slip there. She'd been so impatient to tend to my wounds when I'd returned, and I loved being under her care. Amy was a compassionate, giving woman, and I longed for her tenderness again. It seemed unlikely now.

"I'm sorry that this happened to you."

She blinked, pensive and speechless for a long moment. Her surprise at my words of kindness pissed me off. Like she wouldn't ever think that I could say something kind. That I was only a bad guy, an evil person capable of lying and killing.

We didn't fit in each other's worlds, but I would give her mine.

It didn't matter what happened. I refused to give her up. Amy was caught in my life now, and I wouldn't let her go.

She couldn't be free. Not with this new development. Diego wanted her, stuck on a weird obsession to have "his blonde" that he paid so much for.

We already knew this couldn't be an easy solution. We'd gotten the women out to hurt the Cartel, and we had, but we had to wait and figure out how to release them.

Now, with Diego's claim and this pregnancy, she could never return to her old life in the "normal" civilian world.

"Amy, I will keep you with me."

She sniffled and hung her head. Her chin touched her chest, and tears dripped down to wet the carpet.

"I will make sure you're safe."

"By paying for me. So I will be indebted to you and be your, your possession to lock up? Your slave instead of his?"

I gritted my teeth. "You will be no one's slave. I'm paying him to get him to back off."

Standing, I glared at her. Hurt and annoyed that she would balk at being with me, I paced away.

"Even with a baby you couldn't tell me about."

She sucked in a deep breath and lifted her teary face to me. "No. Nik, it's not. I probably won't have the baby. I doubt I'll carry him or her to full term."

I paused, studying her. "Why? "

"I have a condition. PCOS. A miscarriage is highly likely. I'm just not sure that I am even able to keep a baby full term."

Fuck. Every word was coated in a determined tone that she'd survive this all. But I hated the idea of her facing such a hardship alone.

"Amy." Her name was torn from my mouth, and I hurried to hold her. She was stiff, breathing evenly to likely stop crying, but she rested her head against me as I offered her the simple comfort of a hug.

"It…" I heaved out a deep breath, preparing to lie again. "It'll be okay."

I couldn't promise her that, but I would do everything in my power to see to her comfort and security. Nothing was guaranteed in life, but I wouldn't fail her. Diego wouldn't have her. That rapist would never see her again.

I detested that she was forced into my life like this. That she hadn't chosen a life with me.

But she is here, now.

Leaning down and cupping her sweet face, I kissed her. Just once, a tame brush of my lips against hers. She sighed, keeping her eyes closed, and I did it again, letting her know that I wasn't mad at her, that I didn't hold any of this against her.

Most of all, that she was no slave I'd buy for any amount of money. She would be her own woman here at the mansion. Kissing her tore at my heart, making me want more and more of her, but I couldn't let her in any deeper in my heart. She'd already snuck in far enough to make me dream of a future together, and it would never happen if she was only here because she had to be.

"Mila…"

"Yeah?" I asked, rubbing her back as we stood together.

"Mila spoke with me. She guessed that I might be pregnant because I was sick and the housekeeper noticed when she brought food. I wanted… I would've rather told you, before anyone else."

Sick? I didn't like the sound of that. "I'll make sure we get you all the medical care you need."

She nodded, sighing again. "I appreciate that. Mila mentioned calling her doctor."

"We have ample sources within the family. Our Bratva has a wide reach. We will get you a doctor."

Despite her hesitation and obvious reluctance to sharing a life with me, she was a Bratva woman now.

My secret, repressed love for her already motivated me to see to her health and comfort, but now, my duty to the Bratva Family demanded that I keep her safe as well.

She was one of us.

Whether she wished it or not.